How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

I used to think of growing old with my husband. We'd travel around the country and see places we'd never seen. We'd have time to visit old friends and we'd enjoy our grandchildren. My husband had a hemorrhagic stroke 5 years ago. He was already deteriorating mentally, but it was very slowly, so I thought we'd still have time together.

As you can guess, things changed drastically in the past 5 years. I am still taking care of him and he continues to deteriorate slowly. About twice a year he is in the hospital and was diagnosed with COPD (emphysema) last year after 2 bouts of pneumonia and two respiratory arrests. One respiratory arrest occurred in the hospital after I took him there when he had a seizure in the vehicle the other arrest happened in the vehicle while I was taking him to the ER for another seizure.

My husband (74 yr) has urinary incontinence, walks with a walker, and cannot remember our grandchildren and often doesn't know me...we've been married 44 years. He requires assistance remembering what to do for personal care...brushing teeth, changing pads, taking a shower, etc. It is devastating to watch a strong capable man deteriorate and become so dependent. I no longer have dreams of things I'd like to do in retirement; I get up each day and talk myself into going into the bedroom to see if he is still breathing. I hate the thought of losing him and I fear the prospect of him deteriorating further. Fortunately, he is fairly happy when he is awake; I talk to him although he doesn't always know what I'm talking about. So, I am very grateful that he isn't angry or abusive....he did go through a period of those behaviors after the stroke, but is much more docile now.

Taking care of my husband is my life...I have no idea what I will do when he is gone. Furthermore, I'm totally afraid of my own aging. I don't want to become dependent like my husband....I can't imagine my son or his wife taking care of me and I hope they don't have to.

I appreciate reading everyone's comments...I do believe in an eternal life....I just don't like the journey to arrive there.

I no longer fear the tragic "early death", say before age 60 or so. To die of a sudden heart attack, to die quickly in an accident, to collapse suddenly at Trader Joe's after completing your grocery shopping as one of my dad's friends did a few months ago, no longer seems like a tragedy to me. There are worse things.

I'm hoping that I'll be at the beach watching a beautiful sunset, sipping on beverage of choice, tying in to a big vat of fudge when my lights finally go out.

Aging so long as you don't end up with Alzhimers or deminitia you will do fine will living. But if the brain stealing desiese sneeks in, try to remember where you hide your medication or gun so you can do away with yourself faster than slower. I only say this because a friend of mine has plans of taking her own life if any mind stealing desiese sneeks in. I remind her if that happens I know her she will not remember where she put anything to help her leave this world in her own way in her own time. God loves you and is watching out for you.

I read an article that was "Who will cut your toenails?"
Being old and able to still go to the bathroom and fend for myself, I posed this question to my adult children. It started an interesting conversation. Immediately, they all answered, "I'll do it myself." I laughed. The optimism of youth.
If you are housebound, have a difficult time showering and keeping up with daily hygiene how are you going to "cut your toenails?"
There are so many frustrating issues that everyone will face inevitably. The questions about money and wills are the most insulting. The elderly are not the lottery, nor does anyone deserve anything. Spend every cent you have on taking care of you.
Plan for your latter years. Hubby may not be there. It's a travesty we do not have death with dignity laws in all states.
You can go your whole life and never think you and another sibling will be arguing over who Mother's caregiver will be. Money sheds a whole new movie.
Being a caregiver is one of the most difficult jobs in the world. Never let money be a thought. It changes people. Saddest thing I have ever seen a family go through. Meanwhile, a lot of children are at the lawyers office trying to get POA or a will signed. Karma takes care of all of us. We get what we give. If you feel cheated, then you thought about cheating. No easy way. Nursing homes, assisted living or with a relative, the elderly know they have overstayed their welcome as soon as they have a need. Bless you all.

"Who will cut your toenails?" Great question!

I'm going to ask this over dinner tonight.

I suppose if you can't do it yourself - like everything else (shopping, cleaning, home maintence, driver to appointments etc) it's either family, friends or paid people/professionals. (Although would have to be a VERY good friend for toenails!!!)

I will not take flu/pneumonia shots, high blood pressure or cholesterol pills. I also do not do mammograms. Yes, I have insurance. I’ve learned that cancer (although a horrible, painful death) is not the worst way to die.

Sorry to be so grim & negative!!!