How has caregiving changed your approach to aging?

Also, I no longer fear flying in planes after what I have seen my mom go through, and so many other relatives.

Absolutley!!! First thing is to clarify your wishes through advance directives/loving will. I am very clear that I do not want dialysis or feeding tubes or a life filled with frequent hsopitalizations. After being on the other side of rhe bedrails, I exercise, swim 1/2 mile do yoga and find health care providers (NP, MD) who are very competent, caring and current and mostly 30 years younger than me.
I do all recommended preventive test and immiunizations. I cultivate friendships and family relationships that are adult and reciprocal. I am active in church, community and professional groups. I have been an active YMCA member. I am deeply spiritual and connected to nature and the belief that all is temporary and constantly changing. I trust in myself and ability to handle life with a can-do, nonworrying nature. I feel a lot of agency about my own life, the result of sheer will and belief that I totally accept responsibility for my life. I am very grateful for all around me and enjoy every moment. The biggest lesson? People regret more of what they don t do than what they do. Tomorrow is not promised, I am in the living room, not waiting room of life. Last few years I have made special effiort to try new things: helicopter ride, paddleboarding, talked 6 friends into zip lining, travel. I am trying to understnad others and listen more. I actively engage others of all ages as we need community to make it. Learning to graciously and gratefully acceot help is also a skill.
Saying THANK YOU, I love you, I am sorry, are among life's most underused words. I try to be kind and appeciate that we re all aging( if we are fortunate, as many do not have the opportunity.
My parents also taught me to not allow others to do things that I should be doing for myself in life.
I have a tremendous curiosity about the world and love to learn new things. There is joy and beauty in every day.
I also live simply and well below my means, and have the resources to travel.
If you do not pay attention to YOUR health, you will be spending all your money and time with the broken medical system.
I have devoted my GNP/ANP career to making health care better for older persons, after over 40 years in nursing, there is a far way to go.
Ageism is rampant; do not accept substandard care or condescending attitude. I have used the Zoc doc app to find excellent providers.
I treasure older persons and love their stories and courage. My Mom lived to 99 and was able to be in her own home until the last 7 months.
Read Victor Frankel's book, Man s Search for Meaning. One of his observations in the concentration camps was that those who helped others survived longer...
Kathleen D., Brooklyn, NY

I have taken care of my now 95-year old Mom for 2 years. She really started to decline a year ago. She now has a few days to live, from the best we/hospice can tell. She had aphasia. She took two meds — for his blood pressure and Plavix. She refused to take anything else.

I am in agreement it’s you. This has been a grueling process. I have said many times, I would much rather die of a heart attack....

I get myself to the doctor sooner than later. But I've always been proactive about my health.

For me, the following

No DNR
NO DNI
NO FEEDING tube
No dialysis

When I cannot toilet myself
When I have lost my faculties

As you can see, it has seriously affected me.

I view aging differently insomuch as I don’t plan to do it.

Like some of the other writers, I try to take care of myself first by exercising the body to stay physically healthy and the brain to delay possible dementia. Doing both things is good for the brain, research is showing.
At 76, I am power of attorney for a 92 year old friend of mine and he keeps telling me the only thing I need to do is live as long as he does. He's in a memory care apartment, but physically healthy. I am in charge of his health and finances as he has no children or close relatives.
We never know what role we may be called upon as we age. Helping others is a priority in my life and has always been. My wife and I made our home so we could "age in place" as one option.
It is not only important to serve others, it is important to be served when the time comes where you might need it. We have no idea what that might look like. We have two distant, young grand-children who may have a role or opportunity should our needs require outside care. While we are here, we can love them--which helps nurture their souls--and perhaps they will be able to return that love later if we need loving care.
Seeing to my friend's care is not a burden to me. It is an opportunity to serve. Since he is healthy, there is little I need to do except visit every week and pay the bills and check on how he is doing. The place I found for him gives excellent care and, if needed in the future, I would gladly live there, too.
I pay attention to what my doctors tell me and they have saved my life 3 times now. I feel like they are part of "my team" to keep me going so I can help others.
I do pray for guidance to do the best job in caring for my friend and I am so thankful for the love and guidance I have been given in my life by so many others: parents, grand parents, neighbors, teachers, friends and strangers. That makes it easier to reach out to others in need and pass it on.
And should I need such care myself, I hope I can be thankful and gracious in receiving it. That makes the giver's experience a more positive one, too.

Yes it has. I thought I would ask for help now before I end up really hurting myself. because I'm fast becoming unable to cook and clean. Have appealed for help but am denied assistance. They act like if you can still do your shopping, you can't possibly need help with cleaning or cooking - not to mention the heavier chores I can no longer do outside. What do you do when you have no one to help and no one listens, including the doctor?

It is not about us but G-d (of Israel) our Creator. He is the giver of life, not us. Of course we all ask questions as you brought up, but it is perspective. You were blessed your mother was of sound mind, BUT even if she wasn't G-d is at work, probably more then, than any other time in her life. He is preparing her and us for what is to come. That is eternal life with Him.....I took care of mom 7 years. She passed away then brought back with first responders, fell often, had 100 percent blockage in the end. I fought for her and I am being blessed now as she is with our Creator. You did right! Be blessed!

I never considered it until I had to begin watching my dad deal with dementia. Now my plan is to not grow old. I am actively looking for something to shorten my life and am putting my eggs in the basket of assisted suicide. Real suicide is also an option if it gets to that point. I will not go through this.

I wasn't caregiver for my mother - my sister was -- and at the time of Mama's respiratory distress in the throes of her initial hepatic coma, she and I were the only ones at the hospital. When the nurse appeared and insisted that a breathing tube be installed, I looked at my sister (who had medical POA) and reminded her that Mama had stated many times that she wanted nothing to do with extraordinary lifesaving measures -- yet under pressure from the nurse, my sister caved. Mama emerged from her coma after experiencing a near-death vision, and chastised my siblings for not letting her go. And she lived 7 more years wheelchair-bound and depending on someone else for her every need. To boot, the medication keeping her liver enzymes in check caused constant diarrhea. Needless to say, her life quality was poor, and it was very sad to witness.

These days I am caregiver to my 82-year-old husband, 8 years my senior, who suffers from dementia is losing mobility due to almost complete inactivity, and is becoming more and more reclusive daily. I have made certain that he and I both have in place living wills, medical powers of attorney, and a printed state form that reinforces our no-extraordinary-measures wishes. While I remain completely active and capable, I know there are no guarantees, and this whole process is indeed taking its mental toll on me. While I don't feel either of us should resort to suicide, I do very strongly believe that Mother Nature is far more reliable than medical practitioners who strive to prolong life at any cost.

I look at aging as a way of getting better. I stay active as a way to keep from being dependent on anybody. If you can prevent yourself from getting really, really sick, please do so. Otherwise you may not have anyone to care for you when you're older. That's how I view aging.

Remember this moment: Maine Governor Janet Mills has just signed the Maine Death with Dignity Act into law!
With the Governor’s signature, Maine became the 9th jurisdiction to allow people with a terminal illness to die the way they want: without suffering, in peace, and with dignity. Nearly 70 million Americans now live in a state with an assisted dying option.

The Biographer, I also joke around with my son. I would never up and do something without his knowledge. I do not believe my demise would do him any more harm than watching me become someone he never knew. My mother has become mean, sarcastic, tells me she hates me and that I'm stupid, says other even more horrible things to me, believes I am trying to kill her and on and on. This is how I'm going to remember my mother. Not doing that to my kid.

Foxxmolder, sorry you experienced the pain of a loved one's suicide. That is not this. And there is no grand lesson in taking care of someone like I'm doing, other than don't ever take it on in the first place. Just keeping it real.

This question had my attention so much that I spent close to the full time talking about it with my therapist.
Something he shared with me:
What we say we want when we are younger thinking about being older, is not the same as what we want once we become that age. The human soul, mind, body, brain, etc. has a HUGE desire to stay alive. It is not something you can do about it. An example of this is being a young adult and listening to one's parents lecture about credit rating, what insurance to buy, or maybe how a particular person might not be the best match based on something they notice. At that age you PROMISE, you SWEAR, you YELL and SCREAM to anyone who will listen that you will NEVER say any of these things to your own children. Yet.....fast forward 25 years and you find yourself doing, saying, etc. the EXACT things you promised you would NEVER say or do. We do not have the ability to know circumstances, thoughts and feelings of us decades later. When we are young we have youth, fitness, great memory, etc. When we are at the end of our lives we have wisdom of 80 or 90 years of life on earth. The cycle of life is different for everyone. I can only ask everyone on here to communicate, love, share, give hope, and so many other things we have to offer today as we do our best to plan for our futures.

I just pray I can be kind to those that are there to help me.

I'm Debby, age 65. My mother passed away in 2017 at the age of 87. She did live with me for 3 years until I could no longer provide care due to needing knee replacement surgery.

Realizing the type of care often required for an elderly individual, I have a long-term care plan. I intend to remain in my 2 bedroom condo instead of moving into an assisted living. The long-term care plan gives you the option of home care.

I also watched my mother wither away and tried to keep her spirits up. While she was able, I'd take her out for meals and provided a scooter for her to feel as though she had some independence. But eventually she became bedridden and spent the last few years as a patient in a nursing home which greatly distressed her.

I can only hope my remaining time towards the end of life is not a long downward spiral into becoming bedridden.

Being a caregiver, I see death almost every day. Some client's beg to die, others fight to the end. I know that one day, I will die -and I pray I have the dignity to do that gracefully. Being a caregiver, I'm sometimes the only one with them. Watching that is painful, but it's made me realize I'm not here forever, no matter how much time you think you have. At bedtime, my client & I pray, I kiss her cheek, & I tell her; "play with the moonbeams, dance with the stars, safe journey." I've learned that GOD does not give us our loved one's, - he LOANS them to us. But when he calls that loan due, he will gather our treasure that's only on LOAN, and he will take us home. Death is one reality none of us can avoid.

I am a different person that I was 20 years ago I never understood that death can be kind .....to watch someone grasp ahold of every little peice of the sheer will to live ,only to suffer in pain longer ,gasping for air ,
not able to move without assistance, or not lift a cup to their own mouth,forgetting how to swallow ,the loss of dignity. Im a different person today ,I know in my heart that our bodys break down just like an old car,but our spirit lives on so Yes death can be kind..






..

I didn't feel old until maybe last year. Realize I need to combat it with more exercise, but I'm stuck in a rut right now. Also wish I could meet a companion or mate, but I don't feel attractive anymore. My own hangups about aging I guess. For me, loneliness is the worst thing about aging, (& I never knew how irrelevant I would feel as a senior

Well... After going through the Hell of the final two years of my Mom's "Golden Years" - rehab centers, hospitals/surgeries, nursing homes - I am frankly terrified... I will be 70 in a few months... All I can say is that is there is any possible way for me to prevent it - and I mean this seriously, and don't want to hear about "religious convictions" - I will not end up in a nursing home, memory or not, being diapered, toileted/butt wiped, eating horrid food, and at the mercy of CNA's who might - or might not - care or be good at their job. (Don't get me wrong - I could never do their job, and bless them for being able to, but if I can help it I don't plan to be in a position to avail myself of their skills...). I'm not terrified of dying - I'm terrified of being forced to live beyond what really living means to me...

I plan on traveling as much as I can while I can. When I can’t travel anymore I’m going to get a dog to keep me company and give me something to think about. I’m going to try to keep from arguing with and fighting with my kids. I’m going to try to be happy and active for as long as I can. What my dad is doing is not a life worth living.

All POAs are in order, estate is locked up in a trust. DNRs are filled out. Both children have copies of everything. Originals are in safe deposit box along with list of accounts and passwords. Children are also on the safe deposit box with us. They know where to find the key. All vehicle titles and other important documents are also in there. Cremation is prepaid. After moving MIL in with us and cleaning out her house it was a treasure hunt to find all of her important documents, many hidden in strange places, some in her desk, stuck in her drop ceiling, stashed in old purses and coat pockets, did not want to put my kids thru this. Also have a life insurance policy that will help pay for in home caregiving or assisted living. What isn't used is left for the estate. Don't want to put my kids thru the stress of being a caregiver. I think I've aged 20 years in the past 2 I've been taking care of MIL. Don't want that for my children or grandchildren, hence preplanning and decluttering. Keep, pitch, donate. (Take donate and drop off asap so you're not tempted to pick thru it again) surprising how much crap one accumulates over th he years that you really don't need.

I won't leave anything to others for deciding on what I want. I will make my wishes loud, clear and in writing, well before I need it.

Tiger,
I’m sorry about your mother’s passing. May she Rest In Peace.
It is difficult to watch and go through someone dying. I’m glad her suffering (and yours) is over.
Hugs 🤗

Though there are some here who have very specific written instructions, and have planned or prepared well, I'm surprised at how many are just "vowing" not to be a burden to children or not to live past the time that their mental capacity is diminished. Does everyone really not recognize that those with dementia don't know their mental capacity is diminished (and getting worse)?
The LO's we're all caring for now also swore they'd never be a burden, but they don't know they are a burden, probably because family members don't tell them AND because they have dementia and things just don't make sense anymore.
To someone who has been lost to dementia or Alzheimer's everything is frightening, change is frightening, and they've got a white-knuckled grip on life. Letting go isn't really even in the cards when you reach that point.

Lots of mention of assisted (or not assisted) suicide on this thread. Understandably there are those opposed for moral/religious reasons.
Thought this was an interesting take;

https://www.npr.org/sections/health-shots/2014/06/23/323330486/how-a-womans-plan-to-kill-herself-helped-her-family-grieve

(hope it's okay to post a link)

It has made me realize how important my parents are to me and to appreciate what I have in the moment. I understand what is to come, so I am trying to make sure I experience what I have.

I don't approach aging. It approaches me.

My husband & I have pre-planned. He used his in Dec., 2010. My plot is beside him, but I will not be "laid to rest" there. I have changed my plans; I have chosen cremation. A very quiet, subdued, 1 hour visitation, by invitation only, closed casket. I have chosen my daughter & my brother, who is now my caregiver, to push the button to start the cremation process. My obit., which I've written myself, will be posted two weeks after my death. I will be using my pre-planned, but there will be a few thousand left, because of the choices I've made. My brother will be the benefactor of these funds. I've talked with them, & the mortuary, everything is in place; all they need to do is make one phone call. I've tried to make it as easy as possible on both of them. As a caregiver myself,(50 plus years) I've watched families go into "greed" mode - happens more than you'd believe - literally fighting at the service, or graveside over what they perceive to "be theirs." It turns my stomach, but they see nothing wrong in what they do or say over their loved one's body. Sometimes, I wish that dead body would raise up and tell all of them to go straight to hell.!! If it's not given, they will literally steal it, because it's now "their" property. For me, I have already distributed everything I had in the world, including my home. Gave it to my brother, and I now live with him. My daughter suggested this, but she knows she will always have a home there, if needed. I'm looking forward to my new journey, to seeing my husband, & 3 grandchildren in heaven. I can see him waiting, hands reaching for mine. Oh, what a glorious time is waiting for me. Death, to me, is a time to celebrate one's life, to remember the good times, laughter, the joy of knowing your loved one will have no more pain, worries, no heartaches. If tears are shed, make them tears of happy.