I have a 74 year old friend that lost her companion a little over a year ago. She has approximately 20 cats and they have totally destroyed her home. The ammonia is so strong that you smell it when you approach the door to the home. There is no seating in the home, just boxes, tubs, and old pieces of furniture that the cats sit on. The carpet is ragged and almost disintegrated. They run all over the counters because cat food bowls are placed on them. I wouldn't eat anything that comes out of that kitchen. She can only cook in the microwave because the stove is gross. Her bed was stained and I purchased a mattress pad to put on it after I sprayed and vacuumed it. I just can't describe how filthy it is. I have been told that she and her companion had lived like this for quite a while but before him, she didn't live like this.
I have purchased a new vacuum cleaner for her because her old one was gunked up. I purchased sheets as well as a new blanket for her bed. I have fixed her dryer, her washer, and her shower fixtures, and yet it hasn't made a dent in the mess. I take her to her doctor's appointments because her car is out of date on the inspection and she can't afford gas to put in the car. I have purchased cat food and kitty litter for her at times.
She hasn't taken any initiative to help herself. I have spoken with her daughter who lives in another state and she knows that I am trying to do all I can and she appreciates it. She has tried to get her mom to move up to where she lives and move in with her uncle who has an extra room but her mom is unwilling to make the move. After her monthly expenses she has less than $50 to live on and take care of other expenses like repairs, gas, etc.
I have tried to help but my husband tells me that I am only enabling her and putting off the inevitable. My pastor tells me that I need to set boundaries and that's going to be hard.
I care about my friend but I am at my witts end. The cats need to go first but I can't find a place that can handle that many cats.
Any suggestions?
The best way to help your friend is to not help your friend.
If the daughter is POA the daughter, if she is aware of the circumstances needs to step up and do more.
When was the last time the daughter actually visited mom? You may have told her how mom is living but has she actually seen with her own 2 eyes what is going on?
I would report to APS or contact the Senior Center in your area and if they have a Social Worker the Social Worker is a Mandated Reporter of Abuse and or Neglect. (this includes self abuse and self neglect)
The authorities will manage the cats when they get involved.
You might also want to call the local (City or County) Health Department, Fire Department for possible code violations.
It's kind of you that you care about your friend and want to help. Really, this is the only way to help her. It's not about setting boundaries here. Your friend is not in her right mind and cannot manage on her own. She needs professional help. Not someone to clean up a bit or to buy her things for her house. Please call APS.
I have a family member who is very similar to how you describe your friend. I was the one who brought in APS. No one wants to be the person who reports on a LO, but there has to be someone who will do what needs to be done.
Please call APS and the police.
I wonder if she has water. In my Township no water you cannot remain in the house. Its now a health problem. Call APS.
Either continue throwing good money and effort after bad, or go online and look up 'how to set boundaries' and then DO IT.
It's not your job to 'fix' this situation which is likely fueled by dementia. People with rational brains do not live like this, which is why they can't STOP themselves from doing so and refuse to clean up.
Call APS and stay away from the entire situation. Go volunteer at Children's Hospital in the cancer ward where you can actually wind up making a difference in someone's life.
I’ve been going through this with my mother,74, after a 10 year estrangement. My mother has severe depression and a few set delusional thoughts that she focuses on. But her dr says she’s competent.
if the person is still competent, APS won’t “take them “ or find a guardian.
What they did with my other is set up a cleaning of the home, some repairs. Mother had been getting a housekeeper through Medicaid, but had fallen off their radar I think during a long hospital stay.
So now the housekeeper is back. Mother won’t let her organize stuff and papers much, but at least the dishes are done several times per week, bathroom cleaned, floors mopped. We now pay pest control to tackle the horrible roach problem. We also paid to have a gas leak fixed.
But call APS. They will know what agencies to get involved.
OP's actions are only delaying the inevitable.
Have you known her long enough to know that things were different before she met him?
The reason for asking is to gauge whether this is a restoration project you're looking at, or a complete makeover of a lifelong personality. But either way, it isn't really one that you can expect to handle.
If you visit her doctor's office regularly, hand in a report of your concerns next time you go, and in any case call your local APS advice line and get her on their radar.
I'd be more concerned about the well-being of the cats. I'd call animal control and let them handle it.
A big list of chores.. Cleaning? Meal delivery? Car maintenance? Help to care for & re-house her many cats. Many many things.
You have been up close in her day to day needs..
Now zoom right out. Think really big picture. What does she REALLY need?
A safer home.
Better hygiene.
Assistance for many ADLs.
To be very simplistic, your friend does not seem able to care for herself. (Whether this is grief related, depression or much more I don't know).
People unable to self-care require support by many services & caregivers or to move into supported accomodation.
Your help so far has been very well intentioned, but some things are just bigger than what a friend can do.
I agree with your husband & Pastor.
You could be enabling her poor living situation to continue. Is that really going to help her?
She's mentally ill. There are people (social workers, doctors, her family) who can help. If you really want to do something, write a letter to her doctor. Take pictures and videos of her living conditions. If you can communicate with her doctor through the practice's patient portal, do it that way because it's a way to send the visual proof of what's going on with your friend. Send the pix to her family, to Adult Protective Services, to anyone who would recognize this sad state of affairs and send help.
About the daughter, even if your friend could be moved to her state and into a relative's home, it won't work. YOUR FRIEND IS MENTALLY ILL. Moving her will do no good unless she also gets the treatment she needs.
I know this seems cruel but there is nothing you can do here. Not everything can be fixed, and trying to help in these conditions amounts almost to interference. This woman may need placement, to be ward of the state, and her home condemned for the safety of all. It is dreadfully sad that these things happen, but they DO happen. You have a great and good heart. Use it to visit seniors in care who have no family. There are ways to help and not impede the necessary interventions that must be done for safety.
I am so sorry. This is a heartbreaking circumstance and I laud your willingness and your wanting to help.
"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way."
You cannot help this woman. Its one thing to just go in and clean up. Do some laundry, etc. Its another to have to do it constantly. Moving in with a relative is not going to change her. If she suffers from depression that is probably why she is like she is. Actually, I would not allow her to live with me because of the way she now lives. She is mentally ill and needs help. No rational person lives like this.
You need to call APS on a vulnerable adult. Sorry to say but those cats have to go. I doubt if your Township allows anyone to own 20 cats. She is hoarding them.
Your husband is correct. Even Christians need boundaries. Jesus did not say we are suppose to be doormats. We all need to realize when enough is enough.
It will take a hazmat team to clean out that house so do not do it on your own. Rugs will probably need to be pulled up and thrown out as will her bed and any other upholstered pcs of furniture. Then it will need to be fumigated. Every service disinfected. This is really up to the daughter to organize.
I would report her to APS which will force her to get help. It will also be a way for the cats to be free of living in an unhealthy environment.
Best wishes to you and your friend.
Please report her to APS as a vulnerable adult and report the cat situation to the ASPCA or Animal Control for her area. She and the cats need more help that you can give her.
You seem to be a "rescuer":
"I have tried to help but my husband tells me that I am only enabling her and putting off the inevitable. My pastor tells me that I need to set boundaries and that's going to be hard."
Please listen to your husband and your Pastor. By trying to fix this woman you *are* delaying the inevitable. You are getting in the way. Step back and let professionials help her.