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I have a 74 year old friend that lost her companion a little over a year ago. She has approximately 20 cats and they have totally destroyed her home. The ammonia is so strong that you smell it when you approach the door to the home. There is no seating in the home, just boxes, tubs, and old pieces of furniture that the cats sit on. The carpet is ragged and almost disintegrated. They run all over the counters because cat food bowls are placed on them. I wouldn't eat anything that comes out of that kitchen. She can only cook in the microwave because the stove is gross. Her bed was stained and I purchased a mattress pad to put on it after I sprayed and vacuumed it. I just can't describe how filthy it is. I have been told that she and her companion had lived like this for quite a while but before him, she didn't live like this.



I have purchased a new vacuum cleaner for her because her old one was gunked up. I purchased sheets as well as a new blanket for her bed. I have fixed her dryer, her washer, and her shower fixtures, and yet it hasn't made a dent in the mess. I take her to her doctor's appointments because her car is out of date on the inspection and she can't afford gas to put in the car. I have purchased cat food and kitty litter for her at times.



She hasn't taken any initiative to help herself. I have spoken with her daughter who lives in another state and she knows that I am trying to do all I can and she appreciates it. She has tried to get her mom to move up to where she lives and move in with her uncle who has an extra room but her mom is unwilling to make the move. After her monthly expenses she has less than $50 to live on and take care of other expenses like repairs, gas, etc.



I have tried to help but my husband tells me that I am only enabling her and putting off the inevitable. My pastor tells me that I need to set boundaries and that's going to be hard.



I care about my friend but I am at my witts end. The cats need to go first but I can't find a place that can handle that many cats.



Any suggestions?

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You have no power in this situation. She is either a hoarder (which is a mental disorder not cured by people enabling them or "cleaning up" for them) or she has the start of dementia, or both.

Please report her to APS as a vulnerable adult and report the cat situation to the ASPCA or Animal Control for her area. She and the cats need more help that you can give her.

You seem to be a "rescuer":

"I have tried to help but my husband tells me that I am only enabling her and putting off the inevitable. My pastor tells me that I need to set boundaries and that's going to be hard."

Please listen to your husband and your Pastor. By trying to fix this woman you *are* delaying the inevitable. You are getting in the way. Step back and let professionials help her.
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You are a kind soul but this woman is beyond help. She is mentally ill and needs psychiatric treatment.

I would report her to APS which will force her to get help. It will also be a way for the cats to be free of living in an unhealthy environment.

Best wishes to you and your friend.
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Here is my mantra

"I am here to help people find a way, not be the way."

You cannot help this woman. Its one thing to just go in and clean up. Do some laundry, etc. Its another to have to do it constantly. Moving in with a relative is not going to change her. If she suffers from depression that is probably why she is like she is. Actually, I would not allow her to live with me because of the way she now lives. She is mentally ill and needs help. No rational person lives like this.
You need to call APS on a vulnerable adult. Sorry to say but those cats have to go. I doubt if your Township allows anyone to own 20 cats. She is hoarding them.

Your husband is correct. Even Christians need boundaries. Jesus did not say we are suppose to be doormats. We all need to realize when enough is enough.

It will take a hazmat team to clean out that house so do not do it on your own. Rugs will probably need to be pulled up and thrown out as will her bed and any other upholstered pcs of furniture. Then it will need to be fumigated. Every service disinfected. This is really up to the daughter to organize.
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If this woman cannot get help from family, and it seems they cannot or choose not to try to help her find support, there is no way that you can take this on. You are delaying the inevitable. This poor dear is reportable to the police, the fire department, the city as her living conditions are very dangerous to herself. She should be reported to Adult Protective Services and they should be told of the dangers. You should step back and provide all entities with the family's phone numbers you may have.
I know this seems cruel but there is nothing you can do here. Not everything can be fixed, and trying to help in these conditions amounts almost to interference. This woman may need placement, to be ward of the state, and her home condemned for the safety of all. It is dreadfully sad that these things happen, but they DO happen. You have a great and good heart. Use it to visit seniors in care who have no family. There are ways to help and not impede the necessary interventions that must be done for safety.
I am so sorry. This is a heartbreaking circumstance and I laud your willingness and your wanting to help.
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Your husband and your pastor are right.

She's mentally ill. There are people (social workers, doctors, her family) who can help. If you really want to do something, write a letter to her doctor. Take pictures and videos of her living conditions. If you can communicate with her doctor through the practice's patient portal, do it that way because it's a way to send the visual proof of what's going on with your friend. Send the pix to her family, to Adult Protective Services, to anyone who would recognize this sad state of affairs and send help.

About the daughter, even if your friend could be moved to her state and into a relative's home, it won't work. YOUR FRIEND IS MENTALLY ILL. Moving her will do no good unless she also gets the treatment she needs.
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Think about what your friend needs. What comes to mind first?

A big list of chores.. Cleaning? Meal delivery? Car maintenance? Help to care for & re-house her many cats. Many many things.

You have been up close in her day to day needs..

Now zoom right out. Think really big picture. What does she REALLY need?
A safer home.
Better hygiene.
Assistance for many ADLs.

To be very simplistic, your friend does not seem able to care for herself. (Whether this is grief related, depression or much more I don't know).

People unable to self-care require support by many services & caregivers or to move into supported accomodation.

Your help so far has been very well intentioned, but some things are just bigger than what a friend can do.

I agree with your husband & Pastor.

You could be enabling her poor living situation to continue. Is that really going to help her?
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Listen to your husband and pastor. You can't help people who won't help themselves. stop wasting money buying things for her.

I'd be more concerned about the well-being of the cats. I'd call animal control and let them handle it.
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How long was her relationship with her companion?

Have you known her long enough to know that things were different before she met him?

The reason for asking is to gauge whether this is a restoration project you're looking at, or a complete makeover of a lifelong personality. But either way, it isn't really one that you can expect to handle.

If you visit her doctor's office regularly, hand in a report of your concerns next time you go, and in any case call your local APS advice line and get her on their radar.
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None of this is going to help her. My father (75) lived in filth, for years, with my very much younger brother. In the past 25 years, I have cleaned up his mess 5 times. It always ended up right back where it was before. The dog hair, cat 💩, dust & junk everywhere. Not to mention,, Dad had 3 dogs sleeping with him, one pooping the bed. We put her down, as she should've been put down a year prior according to the veterinarian. Dad, with my help, evicted his son & his gf. I was able to get her out the same day thankfully. There was physical abuse going on. Anyhow, after much debate, the house is going back to the bank. Whatever you do, do not promise to help her by allowing her to live with you, even temporarily. My father is here, mostly due to my husband's kind heart. I have learned my father is vile. Absolutely awful to live with. We are waiting on a house to rent to be ready & have very strict guidelines for him to follow or else he will have to lose all independence. (He isn't having dementia either, this has been an issue his entire life, being a self absorbed narcissistic person, who feels he should be served by others.) No matter what you think, you aren't helping this woman by cleaning up her mess. You will only be enabling her. I do love my dad. But his behavior is just over the top. He refuses to seek therapy anymore. Your friends daughter is the one responsible for her mother. This woman needs APS called to get her out of that environment ASAP. I am sorry your dealing with this, but you have to draw your line in the sand.
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Angelgirl? No, you are not an angel, not even a girl. Jesus did not say one word about coming to help his followers keep 20 cats alive in squalor. Stop seeing yourself as a ‘Christian savior’. You aren’t.
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Fawnby Mar 2023
Verily I say unto you, there is no word for “cat” in Aramaic. Thusly the transcripts from 2000 year old rock slabs hidden in a cave cannot be correct. Now if we were talking about a donkey and sheep and a star rising in the east……
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I'm not sure that this woman's daughter IS responsible for her mother. If her mother hasn't been declared mentally incompetent, and won't listen to her daughter, then maybe the daughter is just doing what we often advise people to do -- wait for the crisis that will force a change.

OP's actions are only delaying the inevitable.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Exactly! If her daughter has written her off. That’s saying a lot.
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Call APS.
I’ve been going through this with my mother,74, after a 10 year estrangement. My mother has severe depression and a few set delusional thoughts that she focuses on. But her dr says she’s competent.
if the person is still competent, APS won’t “take them “ or find a guardian.
What they did with my other is set up a cleaning of the home, some repairs. Mother had been getting a housekeeper through Medicaid, but had fallen off their radar I think during a long hospital stay.
So now the housekeeper is back. Mother won’t let her organize stuff and papers much, but at least the dishes are done several times per week, bathroom cleaned, floors mopped. We now pay pest control to tackle the horrible roach problem. We also paid to have a gas leak fixed.
But call APS. They will know what agencies to get involved.
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Why is it so hard to set boundaries down?????????

Either continue throwing good money and effort after bad, or go online and look up 'how to set boundaries' and then DO IT.

It's not your job to 'fix' this situation which is likely fueled by dementia. People with rational brains do not live like this, which is why they can't STOP themselves from doing so and refuse to clean up.

Call APS and stay away from the entire situation. Go volunteer at Children's Hospital in the cancer ward where you can actually wind up making a difference in someone's life.
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NeedHelpWithMom Mar 2023
Great suggestion! I have volunteered at our Children’s Hospital. It does make a difference. Help is always appreciated.
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I find with Churches that helping someone is a group effort. Someone comes home from the Hospital, one person does not make dinner every night. A schedule is made up and the ladies and even men sign up for one night to make a meal. Some one who has been ill who gets behind in their chores, its not one man who does all the yard work, its a few. One mows, one trims, one picks up sticks and stones. Maybe a few ladies go in and one cleans the kitchen, another a living room, another the bathroom. Its a team effort. Like they say...it takes a village.

I wonder if she has water. In my Township no water you cannot remain in the house. Its now a health problem. Call APS.
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The best way to help this friend is to put in a call to APS and tell them there's a vunerable adult who is not in their right mind living in dangerous and hoarded filth. Make a call to the local police department and ask them if they will make a wellness check on your friend. They will and when they do it will be reported to the state. They will also call in animal control for all of those cats.
It's kind of you that you care about your friend and want to help. Really, this is the only way to help her. It's not about setting boundaries here. Your friend is not in her right mind and cannot manage on her own. She needs professional help. Not someone to clean up a bit or to buy her things for her house. Please call APS.
I have a family member who is very similar to how you describe your friend. I was the one who brought in APS. No one wants to be the person who reports on a LO, but there has to be someone who will do what needs to be done.
Please call APS and the police.
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You are putting a band aid on a broken leg
The best way to help your friend is to not help your friend.
If the daughter is POA the daughter, if she is aware of the circumstances needs to step up and do more.
When was the last time the daughter actually visited mom? You may have told her how mom is living but has she actually seen with her own 2 eyes what is going on?
I would report to APS or contact the Senior Center in your area and if they have a Social Worker the Social Worker is a Mandated Reporter of Abuse and or Neglect. (this includes self abuse and self neglect)
The authorities will manage the cats when they get involved.
You might also want to call the local (City or County) Health Department, Fire Department for possible code violations.
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Call APS they will take care of the cat problem. You can't make this clean up. The answerbelow about a band aid on a broken leg is accurate.
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GET SOME HELP
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This is the kind of question that makes me think this site is full of cuckoos! Oh, for Christ’s sake, OP…seriously?
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She needs way more help than you can give her. She is mentally ill and needs professional help. Her daughter needs to step in to start the process of getting her that help. Your friend is very lucky to have such a kind caring friend like you in her corner.
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Everyone, this post is from March. Plus, the OP has never responded.
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