So I've come a long way since last I posted: 1) hired an elder law attorney to handle dad's finances and options for moving out of his apartment to AL, and 2) started the process of looking at Assisted Living Facilities. The law firm recommended 3 that would be in line with dad's finances of SSA/VA benefits. The problem is I've visited 2 of them and find them so darn depressing that I cannot even picture my father living there. They were both clean but both reminded me of an institution. The second one I visitied I noticed all the residents seemed "out of it" or grumpy. I have one more to go but I am already disheartened that my dad will absolutely hate being in one of these places.
And what is with the infantilizing residents with all the childish games/activities? My dad is a total introvert so forget about engaging in any of that stuff - but can't say I would blame him. Also, he is of completely sound mind which really makes me wonder how he would do in an ALF.
Just venting and wondering if anybody thought the same about these places? It just seems to me that these places are god's (or whatever) waiting room. Thanks for the mini-rant.
What's frustrating is that we know they don't have to be. I personally have come across three facilities, all offering continuing care, that I'd be happy to move into tomorrow except they wouldn't have me. Two, admittedly, were high-ish end (although they also ran charitable funding schemes for less wealthy members of their respective communities); but one of them, rooted in the Methodist movement, was far from expensive and exceptionally well-led.
And again, if you look at dementia village schemes and tv documentaries like "Old People's Home for 4 Year Olds," there is astonishingly good work being done in older people's care, and really progressive research into promoting quality of life throughout older age.
I hear you on the fun and games aspect, but that too is not universal. The very first question the assessor asked my mother at what would have been my facility of choice for her was "would you say you are a people-person?" To which she answered a firm "no, I wouldn't" - possibly the most honest answer she ever gave to any question in this context.
So, there aren't really any excuses for it. We know it can be done and it doesn't have to cost the earth. It takes imagination, leadership and genuine empathy.
Apart from the recommended three, have you looked around yourself at what's available in your area?
Now however he is thinking of moving home, which is only a few long blocks from where he is, of using something like Visiting Angels for shopping and so on and giving this at least a try for whatever amount of time he might be able to do it. There will never again be the ability to drive and he knows that.
The games, yes, are for those who honestly are more impaired than your dad will be, and he will find it difficult to find those he can communicate with in a meaningful way more than likely. There are only a few where my brother is and he at times feel like he is more a caregiver than a resident.
You are correct. There is no ideal. The people in Assisted Living facilities are for the most part not happy. Indeed, why would they be? If you think about it a whole lot? Why. A few have their small dogs; I think it is better perhaps for them.
Wishing you good luck. There is no good answer really to any of this; only the best answer you can come up with given the circumstances.
In eldercare there’s not much good stuff happening any longer. The menu we have to chose from runs from Not very good, to really awful. I had to do lots of not very good stuff for my folks.
Keep looking until you find a NICE community for your dad. They DO exist
I spoke to Residents, one man had lived in in IL for almost 15 years and downsized to AL when his wife passed away. The facility had started out as a retirement home only decades ago.
She was in AL for almost a year and she went to SNF in May of 2016.
She actually thrived in SNF, she got involved in all the activities made friends, went to church services. The hair salon was on her floor and she still got her perms, and the hairdresser even got my mom to fold towels, mom loved doing that. She was never in her room.
At the Remembrance Service in July, my mom passed in June at age 92 , two other women who passed also, lived there for 15 years. Another woman who passed at age 107 moved in there years ago when it was a Retirement Home. I worked in two SNF facilities and they were not depressing.
There is one place I visited that was only memory care and I wasn’t crazy about it.
You know what’s interesting to do. Just to snoop, look at help wanted in that field.
The place that I picked up the funny vibe from was hiring in all fields. They had reviews posted from current and past employees, none were positive. This place was one of the most expensive so don’t always go by price.
All of the others had good reviews. Hardly any nursing homes have good reviews here.
One place I found that was interesting was a ‘group home’ that was owned and run by nurses. They had good reviews. Smaller places that are ‘home like’ because they are individually owned homes. Some said their loved one did better in the smaller ‘less institutional’ type atmosphere. I don’t find the assisted living facilities to be like an institution, more like an apartment or hotel.
And actually 90% of the street the facility is on, is all assisted livings. There’s 3 there, one I believe has a memory care unit but I think the other 2 facilities are just IL and AL.
My Dad was in Assisted Living and it resembled more of being a hotel with a beautiful lobby, and the dining area was more like a restaurant with a menu and white table cloths. Same when Dad moved over to the Memory Care section of the same complex.
Now, my Mom was in a Nursing Home, and even though the building was brand new, it was depressing. A whole different concept. But then again, my Mom needed more physical care then my Dad.
I'd keep in mind that some of the residents are dealing with various losses, like loss of spouse, health, mobility, etc. That can be a sad time for them.
I'd keep in mind that the activities vary and are designed to meet all levels. Not all residents are able to function 100%, so, they need games, activities that can appeal to most all residents. Playing dodge ball sitting in chairs may sound silly, but, it's a lot of fun and seems to entertain all that play. I used to go to regular AL and just sit in the evenings and chat with the residents. My LO was a resident, but, not able to engage in conversation due to her dementia, but, the other residents really would talk about their day, experiences. They let me know the food was awesome! I even ate there a few times. I thought it was high spirited and positive, especially, when the live singers came to perform in the dining room. You can meet with the activities director and get more information about what they offer.
You can also explore other options. There are some home care facilities that are in an actual house, where there are only 3-6 residents. Some people prefer that kind of environment.
My advice is depending on the parent personality and your relationship you might try the co-living if you have room and they can manage some one their own. But don’t make yourself sick over it just do your best to do the right thing💗
SEVERAL HOSPITAL VISITS LATER HE WAS ADMITTED TO THE "BEST" REHAB IN TOWN.FAIRLY NEW BUILDING, NICE FURNITURE IN THE LOBBY, ART ON THE WALLS.
HE HAD TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE LOCAL DIALYSIS CLINIC. ONE NIGHT THE TRANSPORTATION WAS DELAYED. BY THE TIME HE CAME BACK TO RE-HAB HE WAS EXHAUSTED AND HAD A SEIZURE. THE NURSE ON DUTY DID
NOT KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM.
CRYSTAL CHANDELIERS AND BEAUTIFUL SOFAS DO NOT MEAN ANYTHING. STAFF IS THE KEY. THEY WORK VERY HARD WITH LITTLE PRAISE.
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS A FAMILY MEMBER IN ANY FACILITY CONVENIENT TO YOU ASK TO VISIT. STICK AROUND, OBSERVE AND WHEN POSSIBLE HAVE A SHORT CHAT. MEET WITH MANAGEMENT. DO THEY LIKE WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR IS IT "JUST A JOB".
THINGS I WOULD LOOK FOR ARE AN OUT DOOR PATIO WITH SOME SMALL GARDEN FLOWERS, A GAME ROOM WITH PUZZLES AND A LIVING ROOM AREA WITH A SMALL PHONEY FIRE IN A FIREPLACE.
THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE RESIDENTS DOZING IN WHEEL CHAIRS IN THE HALL WAYS AND A PATIENT CRYING FOR HELP. IT IS IMPERATIVE TO MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MOVE IN TO THIS WORLD. IT TAKES COURAGE AND UNDERSTANDING.
as far as AL places keep looking you will find the best place which will make you feel comfortable that he is safe and that he will be taken care. I visited 7 ALs prior to deciding on one. One thing that I felt most important was ratio CNA/patient, nurse/patient and make sure there are multiple activities for example activities for all levels, options like library, fitness center, outings, TV room if the rooms are looked during the day, patio area. Are there any patients on wheelchairs setting at nursing stations? Visit the AL at different times of day so you can get a better feel for the place. If your dad is a fall risk what methods they take to prevent, alert in case of falls?
Best wishes to you and your dad and trust me you are not alone.
That being said, the assisted living facilities near me are not at all depressing. The food is good. The facilities are actually very pretty like a fancy hotel or an upscale apartment complex. I’d live in assisted living.
The people who are in reasonable health have lots to do. It isn’t just bingo. They even do field trips. They have card tables, bridge games, poker games, pool tables, library with books, holiday parties, banquet rooms available to rent to host parties and so forth. Musicians playing, dances, luaus, all kinds of themed events. This is New Orleans. We party here! Only people who are not as healthy don’t participate.
There are religious services, Protestant and Catholic. They have beautiful chapels. They have hair salons. Some have swimming pools, gyms, exercise groups, walking paths through beautiful landscaped areas and so on.
The nursing homes are a different story. They are truly depressing with people screaming, “Help me!” Or, “Don’t leave me! I want to go home!” Horrible.
When my mom was at a nursing home for skilled nursing rehab I detested the place. The OT and PT was good but that is all that was good about it. I had to file a complaint about mom being given a double dose of meds due to an LPN being lazy.
The LPN admitted to saying to my mom that she wanted to save another trip back to mom’s room later so gave her a double dose. My mom asked if a double dose of her Parkinson’s meds would hurt her, of course the lazy LPN told her that it wouldn’t hurt her.
I was so upset when mom told me that I called the pharmacist and she said if she was doing that to mom, she was doing it to others and it was my responsibility to report her, which I did. That’s sad and dangerous to alter meds dosages like that.
My dad unfortunately passed while he was in AL. My mom after that went into the nursing home where my sister works. The nursing home is fantastic. Bright, clean, excellent care and mom actually has a smile on her face when I see her.
The AL facility that I visited when happy hour was going on had a lot of smiling faces!
I have to ask, was that a fun job? I bet it was.
Not a bad gig! Hahaha
Having toured almost every LTC within 50 miles, I can speak with more knowledge. There were a few LTC facilities that I toured that I found depressing due to the age or layout of the building. As one of the posters mentioned, you can’t always tell the quality of care by the surroundings. There were several much more attractive than the one my parents reside in, but my brother chose that one for my mother’s rehab and she then transferred to the LTC section followed by my father.
Of course, it is not exactly cheering to see so many people with such infirmities and disabilities, but I think it is more difficult for the able-bodied visitors than for the people who actually reside there. My parents don’t seem to see the other residents as depressing and pathetic. With mild to moderate dementia, they are mostly oblivious to what I guess what the outside world would call depressing. My father recently was hospitalized and when he returned, he couldn’t get over how many people asked after him, from residents to staff.
The facility itself is clean, and great effort is taken to decorate for the seasons. The activities that have been described about assisted living facilities by other posters are all included in this nursing home. Last year, my father and others were taken to fish off a pier on the beach. Once a month they go out to a restaurant and every Friday, they can order take-out. I know for a fact that the food is excellent and varied. There are daily activities, and weekly volunteer entertainers. Last month, they added an Elvis impersonator who sang old Gospel hymns. The residents loved him! There is a priest who offers daily communion, and several retired preachers who lead the residents in song during the week and preach on Sunday.
We have not always been pleased with the care they receive at the facility, but they are very open to suggestions and willing to make corrections. I am saddened that so many of the posters don’t have access to excellent facilities like the ones that are so numerous where I live. It’s curious, because I live in one of the poorest states in the country. Maybe it’s because it is a high retirement location.
And then the cost, which is a turn-off itself. If these places were affordable, we might force ourselves to turn the other way.
If I reach an age when I must go to a facility, I would end my life. Why prolong the inevitable at that stage?
I do agree with you that it’s very depressing. I am starting to recognize the signs when someone is nearing the end. I would say if you can get get helpers at home that may be a better way to go until you cannot do that anymore.