So I've come a long way since last I posted: 1) hired an elder law attorney to handle dad's finances and options for moving out of his apartment to AL, and 2) started the process of looking at Assisted Living Facilities. The law firm recommended 3 that would be in line with dad's finances of SSA/VA benefits. The problem is I've visited 2 of them and find them so darn depressing that I cannot even picture my father living there. They were both clean but both reminded me of an institution. The second one I visitied I noticed all the residents seemed "out of it" or grumpy. I have one more to go but I am already disheartened that my dad will absolutely hate being in one of these places.
And what is with the infantilizing residents with all the childish games/activities? My dad is a total introvert so forget about engaging in any of that stuff - but can't say I would blame him. Also, he is of completely sound mind which really makes me wonder how he would do in an ALF.
Just venting and wondering if anybody thought the same about these places? It just seems to me that these places are god's (or whatever) waiting room. Thanks for the mini-rant.
Keep looking until you find a NICE community for your dad. They DO exist
Check for a place that has independent and assisted living, ideally that can transition into a (separate but located in the same complex ) memory care . Their residents will probably be more independent. And he won’t have to move when his condition worsens ( our newbie mistake was the first was strictly independent living) Talk to the staff and see what their philosophy is. Who comes first the resident or the staff? I don’t know where you live but we managed to find two very nice places for my mother. We visited every single one in the area so you need to do your homework. We chose the places with the most homelike atmosphere and the most caring staff. Check resident to staff ratio. It should be much higher than legal requirements. Some areas grade facilities or have online reviews although one I noticed had 90% of reviews by staff so check for actual family and resident reviews. It was recommended by the hospital for rehab and was one of the worst imo, very poor communication with family even though it was obvious my mother was hallucinating and out of it. Most newer facilities in my area are set up as apartments with your own furniture so you have a lot of say on how pleasant it is.
I had a dear family friend, the sweetest woman. When she was quite elderly, she lived alone in a tiny, barely heated old house. She only had one friend, my mom. She had severe scoliosis and could barely walk. There's no telling how or what she got to eat. It was heartbreaking to see her live that way. Finally, her daughter moved her to a nursing home.
My sister and I went to visit her, with my sister barely managing to hold herself together to see our friend in a nursing home. I admit I hated to see her in the *cue spooky music* nursing home. But then I noticed she'd gained weight, had good color in her face, had good food to eat, had a warm room and a comfortable bed, and people around to support this bright, sweet woman. She's gone now, but at least in the end she didn't die alone.
Yeah, not all AL/nursing homes are quality, but sometimes being in a facility is so much better than the alternative.
In eldercare there’s not much good stuff happening any longer. The menu we have to chose from runs from Not very good, to really awful. I had to do lots of not very good stuff for my folks.
SEVERAL HOSPITAL VISITS LATER HE WAS ADMITTED TO THE "BEST" REHAB IN TOWN.FAIRLY NEW BUILDING, NICE FURNITURE IN THE LOBBY, ART ON THE WALLS.
HE HAD TO BE TRANSPORTED TO THE LOCAL DIALYSIS CLINIC. ONE NIGHT THE TRANSPORTATION WAS DELAYED. BY THE TIME HE CAME BACK TO RE-HAB HE WAS EXHAUSTED AND HAD A SEIZURE. THE NURSE ON DUTY DID
NOT KNOW WHAT WAS WRONG WITH HIM.
CRYSTAL CHANDELIERS AND BEAUTIFUL SOFAS DO NOT MEAN ANYTHING. STAFF IS THE KEY. THEY WORK VERY HARD WITH LITTLE PRAISE.
IF YOU KNOW ANYONE WHO HAS A FAMILY MEMBER IN ANY FACILITY CONVENIENT TO YOU ASK TO VISIT. STICK AROUND, OBSERVE AND WHEN POSSIBLE HAVE A SHORT CHAT. MEET WITH MANAGEMENT. DO THEY LIKE WHAT THEY ARE DOING OR IS IT "JUST A JOB".
THINGS I WOULD LOOK FOR ARE AN OUT DOOR PATIO WITH SOME SMALL GARDEN FLOWERS, A GAME ROOM WITH PUZZLES AND A LIVING ROOM AREA WITH A SMALL PHONEY FIRE IN A FIREPLACE.
THERE ARE ALWAYS GOING TO BE RESIDENTS DOZING IN WHEEL CHAIRS IN THE HALL WAYS AND A PATIENT CRYING FOR HELP. IT IS IMPERATIVE TO MENTALLY AND EMOTIONALLY MOVE IN TO THIS WORLD. IT TAKES COURAGE AND UNDERSTANDING.
My Dad was in Assisted Living and it resembled more of being a hotel with a beautiful lobby, and the dining area was more like a restaurant with a menu and white table cloths. Same when Dad moved over to the Memory Care section of the same complex.
Now, my Mom was in a Nursing Home, and even though the building was brand new, it was depressing. A whole different concept. But then again, my Mom needed more physical care then my Dad.
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