After months of discussion my husband and I decided to move in with my dad (89) to care for him. Now my husband wants to move back home.

My husband and I sold our house and moved into my fathers basement 4 years ago
I was scared of your situation before we moved in
I have someone who comes into our home and cares for my father and my husband and I go on a date
I have one sister who will come and care for our dad while my husband and I get away for a few days
Being a caregiver is the most difficult job I’ve ever had but it’s a huge balancing game
You need to make your husband feel like a priority, and you need a break as well, a mental health break
When your dad passes, you are going to need him, your friend, your partner
I wish only health and happiness to you both

At first, it seems like a good idea to help dad, because he needs help. And that's nice of your husband to agree. You have both tried to make this work.
It's difficult for your husband though because he needs to share his wife with someone else. You can't do certain things that you would at home, like go out whenever. Or hubby might be talking to you and then dad calls your name.

I know from experience awhile ago, residing with hubby and dad. Hubby and I want to relax and my dad was screaming in the next room.

Parents shouldn't come between a marriage. We love our parents. But marriage is sacred and should be respected.

The size of your dad’s house or arranging to spend leisure time in separate rooms is not making this easier for your husband. I believe your husband wants to go back to his house, his home - now. Ideally with you. Maybe your siblings can take over care for longer periods of time at the least.

True story. A few years back, a friend had a two car garage and was trying to figure out how to get two cars and a boat in it. He asked us, his friends, for advice on how to do it. We said you simply cannot do it. It is a big two car garage, but the simple arithmetic (measure widths of vehicles) doesnt allow that. This guy was not stupid, but figured creative minds could figure out a solution. He thought if you backed the boat and then drove cars in at a certain angle it might be done.

It reminds me of this post. The OP has a sincere desire of how she can make this work and for that she should be admired. But while in this case the issue is not physical space, it is emotional space, etc and it simply cannot be done, three humans in one space, just like two cars and a boat cannot be garaged in a two car garage.

The friend had to decide which vehicle should not be garaged at his home.

CaringforDad, I’ve now read you previous reply, and yes I guess your question wasn’t written correctly, as you said. Your question says that your husband has ‘progressively gotten angrier’ and is now ‘resentful’ and ‘jealous of my dad’, to the point where ‘he is insisting we put dad in AL and move back home’. That doesn’t sound as though a few ‘trivia nights and karaoke nights and sometimes live music’ will make everything right. Church and prayer may help more than karaoke, depending on the strength of your faith, but it’s a long shot. The Bible’s ‘honor thy father and thy mother’ (through multiple language translations of complex concepts) seems to be about ‘be respectful in public, don’t run them down’, not have them to live with you and build your world around them.

The poster who asked if you were ‘sleeping with your Dad’ wasn’t suggesting that you WERE doing that, just making the point that it’s yet another thing you do with husbands, and that there’s a big difference in the relationships. I'm quite shocked that you seem to take this as a genuine incest allegation.

If you don’t want to change, we can only wish you luck. And also hope that DH finds himself a life that satisfies him more, without transferring his unhappiness to you and your father. It does seem a pity to break up a good marriage over this. He has tried quite hard.

So after talking to your husband about your dad why is he so angry and resentful of your father? What is the reason he doesn't even want to be in the same room with him? Did something happen? Was something said? Just curious how your husband went from getting along with dad to pretty much disliking him so much he can't stand to look at him. From what you say dad is not low maintenance since he needs help with cooking, cleaning, medications and bathing. Do you know what is going on with husband? Have you asked him? Was this supposed to be temporary or permanent?

My grandma lived with my parents for about 20 years and over time little things grandma did (and vice versa with my dad saying or not saying things) or said just built up the resentment and anger over time and both had a lot of animosity. Dad didn't want to kick her out but he also didn't think she would be there for 20 years in his house.

I think you have your answer.

If DH isn’t happy with this after 8 months, he isn’t going to become ‘more comfortable’ if nothing changes with you and F. Have you thought about what changes YOU could make. Perhaps just stop talking about F - particularly just as DH walks in the door? You talked about it for months before you made the move, I'm not surprised that DH is sick and tired of the whole thing. I can imagine F's ghostly presence hanging over your whole house. Talking about F shouldn't be the most important thing in your life.

Set yourself a challenge. Go for 24 hours (or 48 hours or even a week) without mentioning F to DH. If you find it difficult, you have an answer to your question.

Is there a possibility that your husband, at his age, sees how your Dad is rapidly declining and is experiencing some decline in himself? This could bring on fear, anxiety, and a strong need to escape, a realistic need to reevaluate just how his later years are to be spent? 🕺🤵‍♂️👨‍🦳️👴🏃‍♂️🚶‍♂️🤷‍♂️

It is unfair, imo, to be criticizing your husband (what kind of a man is he?) just because he chooses to return home and not be a part of your caregiving plan.

Not to be taking sides here, just exploring the dynamics of the many things
that can go wrong. If it does not fit your situation, just ignore.

👨‍🦳️👩‍🦳️
👴👵

Maybe a visit to your doctors for each of you is called for?

I'm not sure how bullying this women is helping her in anyway!!

Did you all forget what it's like to be burntout!!

It's not fun

I love how people get so angry when they don't get the answers they were looking for. Alva was right when she said the OP is looking for how to make her husband more comfortable with the decision she has made. She doesn't care about her husband's comfort at all. He tried it for 8 months but decided he can't do this anymore. Give him some credit for at least trying. My advice is to let him move back home and give you 6 months to figure out a plan B for your Dad before going back home yourself.

Note:
There is no housing shortage in this family.
The Dad has his home,
the husband and wife have their home.

Dear CaringforDad532,
From your past experience: This is an example of how to NOT PLAN and a FAILURE to plan for your Mother. Becoming a ward of the state while at the same time touting how you by tradition care for your elders at home?

" My mother who had serious health complications did go into a nursing home when her medical conditions got so bad we, me and my siblings, could no longer care for her properly. It took only 3 years for her to run out of money (over $200,000) + SS and we had to release her as a ward of the state where she was moved to lesser home and she died 8 months later."

Is this the PLAN your Dad is on?

Pulling this out from the comments so it doesn’t get lost:

Instead of moving your dad into assisted living, you moved your husband into an assisted living home.

"My siblings are on board and willing to help." Great......move out and enlist your siblings now who are "willing to help."

I doubt you husband is "jealous" of your father, but of the time and attention you're devoting to him which should be devoted to your husband. Your father certainly doesn't sound like he needs 24/7 care or to be doted on, either!

Reexamine your priorities, op. Unless you're in an unhappy marriage and divorce is something you want. Lots of options exist for dad, including hiring in home help, having the siblings help out, or moving him into Assisted Living which is like day camp in a nice hotel for seniors.

Multigenerational living often SOUNDS like a good idea until the reality of it hits like a brick in the face.

Your husband can see what you can’t see about your relationship with your dad vs the one you have with him. It is primal.
He was happy in his own home with his wife. He is not happy now.
You are perhaps so busy “doing” that you just aren’t aware?

He may be saddened that you are ready to end your life with him as a couple.
That his needs aren’t as important to you.
True he didn’t get the shingles etc. but he isn’t interested in playing out your forever together fantasy with your family.
Perhaps he is confused about his feelings as he obviously wants you to have what you wanted but is authentic enough to let you know he is unhappy.

You say you don’t mind all the work and you seem to think since you don’t mind, no one else should. You have basically taken a job and are dragging him along with you.

He was willing to try. You have been consumed with your dads care for months now. Dad had a couple of back to back issues but is currently well I assume?

Time to go home. Refresh.
Let dad get back to normal before you care him right into helplessness.
Find a way to honor your marriage and your partner. If you aren’t happy living in your home with your husband, try therapy. You have been given a wake up call here and your strong reaction is a good indication that you have some work to do for yourself. Remember that you matter too.

”Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—as a signal or a wake-up call that a valued relationship is in danger and that steps need to be taken to regain the affection of a mate or friend. As a result, jealousy is seen as a necessary emotion, because it preserves social bonds and motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain important relationships.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy

Back In the day on Cape cod all the Houses I Lived in Had In Law apartments - an extension of the house for relatives . Then they tried banning them on Cape Cod . A lot of people are Buying tiny Homes for the parents to live in or some older people are choosing tiny home communities where they can Garden , community activities and picnics . The prices vary - I have seen some as cheap as $14,000 and often time people will get Married and sell their tiny home for a Good price . Google Images of tiny Homes and see if a builder is around you or craigslist I have seen them being sold . Discuss with your Husband he may really Love the idea . People get campers too and live in those .

Good old fashioned Daddy issues. Some people just never grow up.

One last thing and then I have to go to the hospital: the ultimate issue here is that you have no exit plan.

Golda’s mother lived to 109 years old.

I’m guessing you and your husband (I wrote dad lol) are in your late 60s or early 70s.

So you expect your husband to give up HIS golden years so that your dad, who clearly didn’t plan for his sunset years, will have everything he ever wanted for caregiving?

You want to be 85 and still caring for your dad? You think your husband should be ok with that? I’m going to give it to you straight because I think you are in some kind of “handle it” fog and someone needs to get it through to you— your plan is NUTS.

You have zero awareness of all the reasons you are in the wrong here— there are many reason why you are wrong, not just one reason.

You want your husband to get happy with his captive situation? With all due respect, what world are you living in? You are 100% wrong.

Your husband is a fully formed adult who knows his limits and when to exit, and his timeline is now. He will most likely leave whether you stay or not and he would be right in that decision.

Reading your responses below I see now that you were not asking questions about any choice.
You already made your choice.
Now you want to MAKE your husband "more comfortable" with that choice.
He is not comfortable with it. And you can't make him be.
I am sorry I didn't know before answering that you were not asking about what you can do about your OWN choices, because you can never make them for others, and I would simply have told you to place your chips and spin the wheel.
Let your husband know that you will be fine if he cannot stay and help with the task you have chosen. Tell him you hope and pray he will be as supportive as he's able, come over with takeout dinner once a week, have a date night with you when the siblings can watch dad. Who knows, perhaps absence will make the heart warm; perhaps he will enjoy alone time.

You made your choice.
That's fine. Choices comes with consequences and I hope yours are all good.
Simply said, don't even think to make choices for others. I hope your husband is supportive of your choice, and you of his.

You said in a response that you worded your question incorrectly and you want to know how to make your husband more comfortable.
The answer to that is that you return to being his spouse and not your father's caregiver, housekeeper, cleaning lady, maid, cook.
Your dad can hire caregivers.
Your dad can hire a cleaning person.
And you can cook meals and freeze them for him.

Not sure if this is an indication as to what is in your mind but I find it odd that your last line you say "I love my dad and my husband"...why did you not phrase it I love my husband and my dad? Maybe I am reading into it more than it is.

My advice is this:
It is time to give your siblings a chance to care for Dad in his home.
Say, for example: 6 mos.

Read this, on the forum, under articles:
Caught in the “Fix-It Trap” While Caregiving? You May Be Headed for Burnout
by
Cindy Laverty

Enter the title in the search icon above.

If you have a Yard buy a tiny House and let your husband Live there . Jamaica cottage shop had some Nice tiny Houses . That way he can Have his man cave .

Id say stick with this forum, but read other peoples stories, what they have gone through, what we have all gone through. From are beginning of this journey to and through the burn out, to the end, read everything you can and you will understand why we are saying what we are saying.

When I joined this, I'll be honest I didn't like some of the things people where saying, but something inside of me new I needed something and I new I wasn't getting what I needed from anyone in my life. Much of what they were saying was true(some where a bit to harsh🤗) but things they said stuck in my head. And I kept coming back, untill I understood what they were saying to me. Also it made me deal with things I Honestly did NOT want to deal with. But for my mental health I had to deal with those things.

So I would advise you to keep an open mind, read peoples post and you will understand why we say what we say

The things you are doing for Dad are more than a full time job, and are not sustainable by one person full time.
You said:
"he needs some basic care with meals, medication, and bathing."
 "I do all the cleaning and cooking for both my husband and my dad and don’t mind it at all".

Maybe you are burned out and have not noticed in yourself any irritability,
extreme tiredness, needing to rely on your spouse for more and more, or don't know what to do for yourself?

It has been a red flag that when a burned out caregiver comes back to criticize
the advice offered by other caregivers:
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
("What I learned is not to ask questions to strangers. The answers I got were abandon ship and some were snarky, cruel...)"

there may be someone so burned out that they cannot see the forest for the trees. Did I say that right?

Half of your job can be done by a housekeeper.

I guess my question was not written correctly. I was asking for advice on how to make my husband more comfortable. What I learned is not to ask questions to strangers. The answers I got were abandon ship and some were snarky, cruel and one even asked if I’m sleeping with my dad, as f the only reason one would care for another is for sex. I grew up in a family where we take care of one another. I had the privilege and gift of knowing 6 of my great grandparents, 4 of which did not pass until I was in my teens. I was an adult before I lost my first grand parent and I was a grandmother myself when I lost the other three, who lived long enough to meet my grand children their great, great grandchildren. None of my great grand parents or grandparents ever were placed in a nursing home. My mother who had serious health complications did go into a nursing home when her medical conditions got so bad we, me and my siblings, could no longer care for her properly. It took only 3 years for her to run out of money (over $200,000) + SS and we had to release her as a ward of the state where she was moved to lesser home and she died 8 months later.
I’m advised by answers here to place my dad and go back home with my husband or I will lose him. But if he were to leave me because I’m taking care of my aging father what kind of man is he. Aren’t we supposed to take care of each other? My husband has stated he will kill himself before he goes into a nursing home. He has no children, so I will be his only caregiver when that time comes. Watching me care for my dad gives him an opportunity to see what kind of a caregiver I will be for him and shows him what type of caregiver I hope he will to be for me. Years ago I invested in a long term policy for both me and my husband so that we too will be able to remain at home for as long as possible when we are older. (The policy we have pays for in home healthcare).
My husband and I know that caring for an aging parent can be difficult and there may come a time where we are not able to care for my dad and might need to place him in a nursing home, which we will do if needed, We moved in with my dad because his home has more space to give my husband and I our own area which we will not have if we move dad to our house.
My question here was to ask the forum ideas that would make my husband more comfortable here. Since my question posted I got much better answers from this small town community we moved to than I did on this website. To help others in my situation, here’s where we are… we found a church we enjoy and a local hangout where they have trivia nights and karaoke nights and sometimes live music. My siblings come sometimes to give us long weekends and they take turns to give us longer breaks. My husband goes home sometimes to take care of the house and get away. We are working on making this work for us.
If anyone here has constructive advice that might help please share, but I don’t need any self centered “ignore the people who need you” advice. I will not walk away from my dad or my husband and pray they will both be with me for many years.

Your husband became the main man the say you got married. He comes first and your marriage comes first. Of course you love your dad, and that’s great. I love mine too. But if it came down to me and my husband moving in with him? He’d never allow it.

Your husband will likely move back home if your insist on staying with Dad. Are you okay with that?

Choose your marriage , move back to your own home .
Place your father .

"I love my dad and my husband and don't know what to do."

I've got a few questions for you to think about:

Why is Dad listed first here and Husband second?
Do you sleep with your Dad?
Did you say marriage vows with your dad???
Do you plan to be a servant for two men the rest of your life?

What is so bad about AL? He gets 24/7 help, meals, snacks, cleaning and laundry done, and access to medical help when needed. He gets a retirement lifestyle, with people his age, activities and no work to do. It's not prison with steel bars in front of his door.

Really, OP, who WOULD want to live with their spouse's parents? I took care of my MIL in our home for her last three weeks, but I'd never want to do this on an ongoing basis. (I was having discussions with nursing homes in case she stabilized and this became a long term thing.)

I think your husband is on the right track. Wouldn't your dad do better in a setting with people to help and other residents to socialize with, rather than a resentful son-in-law?