After months of discussion my husband and I decided to move in with my dad (89) to care for him. Now my husband wants to move back home.

To me this is a no brainer. Your husband should and MUST always come before your dad.
That is of course unless you are unhappily married and really would rather be divorced, then that is a different story.
But if you're wanting to stay married to your husband then you must do everything in your power to make sure that you're taking his thoughts/concerns into consideration before your dads.
And if you're not wanting to stay married, then be honest with your husband and tell him it's ok for him to go back home without you and to file for a divorce.
Caregiving only works when it works for ALL parties involved. And apparently this arrangement is not working for your husband, so it's time to put him first, and figure out other plans for your dad.
I wish you well in making the right decision.

Everything thing funky grandma said I agree, with don't ruin your marriage for your dad.

Your husband has gone above and beyond what many husband would do . He wants his life back and he deserves it

I have been taking care of my mom, not working and relying on my husband's income, for a car , gas insurance, ect.... and coming home from moms grumpy to him, for a mother that disowned me for being with him. Husband was great about he but didn't deserve my moods.

Thanks to this forum I was able to see the error of my ways.

Good luck, carringfordad. We are always here!

Easy answer, your husband must be your priority, time to place your father.

8 months?! Your husband is a saint for being willing to give this a try, but please listen to him when he says it's no longer working.

I've seen too many marriages and lives ruined by this type of situation, where someone moves into an elder's home or worse, moves the elder into their own home. A wake of destruction follows, and the caregiver ends up mentally, physically, and often financially, broken. Meanwhile, the person being cared for keeps soldiering on like the Energizer Bunny or a Timex watch. 40% of caregivers die before the person they are caring for. (I'm not saying it never works out, but those stories are few and far between in current times.)

It would be one thing if your dad was on hospice and had only weeks or months left, but he could go on for years like this, and his needs are only going to increase.

Who has Dad's financial and health care Power of Attorney? Anyone? If not, your first step should be to visit a certified elder law attorney (nelf.org) and get these ducks in a row along with an advanced health care directive. You do not have to take on these roles yourself, but you and your siblings need to decide who in the family is going to be "it".

Actually it's Dad who decides who'll be "it", provided he's legally competent, but it's important to understand what all this entails before agreeing to the responsibility...because it's a BIG responsibility.

If you're considering being the lead person for Dad's caregiving, whether it's hands on yourself, hiring aids, or getting him to move to a facility, DON'T do it without having financial and health care power of attorney. Otherwise you're stuck with all the work but no decision-making authority, and that is a NO WIN situation.

Do you want to preserve your marriage?

What's your long-range plan for when your Dad needs more and more help with more and more tasks (think incontinence, falling, etc)? All you'll be doing is orbiting around him and not living your own life with your husband, as you ought to be doing. Of course your siblings like this plan: it's easy and it's free. You're their total solution, not them.

We are only getting your side of the story here... if your husband was posting, what would he say is the real issue? What is he jealous of...? That at the end of the day you're too tired? Are tied down and can't do the things you used to do? He sees this as not ending for a long time and he's correct.

Your husband is your priority, not your Dad. Either the other siblings step in to replace you or transition your Dad to a good facility.

My husband got along with my Dad too but they never would have been able to live together. I hadvalready told my brothers that if Mom went first, I would not care for Dad.

Its a big difference living in someone elses house than your own. You gave a decision to make and it should be in favor of your husband. Tell Dad its not working. That he is going to need to make a decision about his care. What does he need a big house for? Assisted livings are so nice. Everything will be done for him.

Life changes, our needs change. It would be great for Dad to "age in place" but that can't happen. He needs care that you can no longer give him. Your DH is #1.

You and your husband are married.

You are an independent adult child of your father.

Your priority needs to be your husband and your marriage.

8 months is more than enough for your husband to do this and I don’t blame him one second for recognizing it’s time to end this arrangement.

Your siblings need to step up so you can exit this unworkable plan or your dad needs to go into assisted living.

It’s time for you to get back to your regular lifestyle and your home.

Is your house vacant? Who is caring for it? This sounds untenable.

You and husband did this with your already not both being on board. Not if it took "months of discussion".
The agreement should have been to "give this a try, and at the point it isn't working for ONE of us, it is over for ALL of us".
That would have prepared your father better for what now should be the final outcome, his placement in care.

You have a choice" whether to throw yourself on your dad's funeral pyre (which won't help him or anyone else) and lose your husband, or whether to have both you and hubby sit down with Dad and say that you gave it a try and it isn't working. That Dad needs now to go into care. That you will help him with sale of home or whatever he needs to do to fund his care, and to find him a nice place, but that within the next six months you and siblings and Dad need to work together to get him in a safe place.

Then Dad returns to being a loved Dad you all visit.
You return to your home, your husband and your life.

I don't see another option, myself. That would be what I would do. But then I never would have attempted this in first place.
It's up to you. Not everything can be fixed so that everyone finds Nirvana. Most things are patched together the best way we can do it.
I wish you the best of luck. Your Dad may not be happy about this, but age (I am 81) I find, isn't the happiest of times for us on our human journey.

Your dad probably has limited years left. On the other hand, he could live another ten years. Look at what you want for YOUR next ten years - to be a care-slave to an elderly man whose health will continue to decline, or to resume life with your husband the way it was before?

Your husband has been supportive of your decision to become caregiver to dad, but he wants his wife and his life back. You both now realize that moving in with dad was a mistake. Find dad an AL and go home! Visit dad on Sundays at the AL and stay for lunch. Take him cookies.

Really, OP, who WOULD want to live with their spouse's parents? I took care of my MIL in our home for her last three weeks, but I'd never want to do this on an ongoing basis. (I was having discussions with nursing homes in case she stabilized and this became a long term thing.)

I think your husband is on the right track. Wouldn't your dad do better in a setting with people to help and other residents to socialize with, rather than a resentful son-in-law?

"I love my dad and my husband and don't know what to do."

I've got a few questions for you to think about:

Why is Dad listed first here and Husband second?
Do you sleep with your Dad?
Did you say marriage vows with your dad???
Do you plan to be a servant for two men the rest of your life?

What is so bad about AL? He gets 24/7 help, meals, snacks, cleaning and laundry done, and access to medical help when needed. He gets a retirement lifestyle, with people his age, activities and no work to do. It's not prison with steel bars in front of his door.

Choose your marriage , move back to your own home .
Place your father .

Your husband became the main man the say you got married. He comes first and your marriage comes first. Of course you love your dad, and that’s great. I love mine too. But if it came down to me and my husband moving in with him? He’d never allow it.

Your husband will likely move back home if your insist on staying with Dad. Are you okay with that?

I guess my question was not written correctly. I was asking for advice on how to make my husband more comfortable. What I learned is not to ask questions to strangers. The answers I got were abandon ship and some were snarky, cruel and one even asked if I’m sleeping with my dad, as f the only reason one would care for another is for sex. I grew up in a family where we take care of one another. I had the privilege and gift of knowing 6 of my great grandparents, 4 of which did not pass until I was in my teens. I was an adult before I lost my first grand parent and I was a grandmother myself when I lost the other three, who lived long enough to meet my grand children their great, great grandchildren. None of my great grand parents or grandparents ever were placed in a nursing home. My mother who had serious health complications did go into a nursing home when her medical conditions got so bad we, me and my siblings, could no longer care for her properly. It took only 3 years for her to run out of money (over $200,000) + SS and we had to release her as a ward of the state where she was moved to lesser home and she died 8 months later.
I’m advised by answers here to place my dad and go back home with my husband or I will lose him. But if he were to leave me because I’m taking care of my aging father what kind of man is he. Aren’t we supposed to take care of each other? My husband has stated he will kill himself before he goes into a nursing home. He has no children, so I will be his only caregiver when that time comes. Watching me care for my dad gives him an opportunity to see what kind of a caregiver I will be for him and shows him what type of caregiver I hope he will to be for me. Years ago I invested in a long term policy for both me and my husband so that we too will be able to remain at home for as long as possible when we are older. (The policy we have pays for in home healthcare).
My husband and I know that caring for an aging parent can be difficult and there may come a time where we are not able to care for my dad and might need to place him in a nursing home, which we will do if needed, We moved in with my dad because his home has more space to give my husband and I our own area which we will not have if we move dad to our house.
My question here was to ask the forum ideas that would make my husband more comfortable here. Since my question posted I got much better answers from this small town community we moved to than I did on this website. To help others in my situation, here’s where we are… we found a church we enjoy and a local hangout where they have trivia nights and karaoke nights and sometimes live music. My siblings come sometimes to give us long weekends and they take turns to give us longer breaks. My husband goes home sometimes to take care of the house and get away. We are working on making this work for us.
If anyone here has constructive advice that might help please share, but I don’t need any self centered “ignore the people who need you” advice. I will not walk away from my dad or my husband and pray they will both be with me for many years.

The things you are doing for Dad are more than a full time job, and are not sustainable by one person full time.
You said:
"he needs some basic care with meals, medication, and bathing."
 "I do all the cleaning and cooking for both my husband and my dad and don’t mind it at all".

Maybe you are burned out and have not noticed in yourself any irritability,
extreme tiredness, needing to rely on your spouse for more and more, or don't know what to do for yourself?

It has been a red flag that when a burned out caregiver comes back to criticize
the advice offered by other caregivers:
🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩 🚩
("What I learned is not to ask questions to strangers. The answers I got were abandon ship and some were snarky, cruel...)"

there may be someone so burned out that they cannot see the forest for the trees. Did I say that right?

Half of your job can be done by a housekeeper.

Id say stick with this forum, but read other peoples stories, what they have gone through, what we have all gone through. From are beginning of this journey to and through the burn out, to the end, read everything you can and you will understand why we are saying what we are saying.

When I joined this, I'll be honest I didn't like some of the things people where saying, but something inside of me new I needed something and I new I wasn't getting what I needed from anyone in my life. Much of what they were saying was true(some where a bit to harsh🤗) but things they said stuck in my head. And I kept coming back, untill I understood what they were saying to me. Also it made me deal with things I Honestly did NOT want to deal with. But for my mental health I had to deal with those things.

So I would advise you to keep an open mind, read peoples post and you will understand why we say what we say

If you have a Yard buy a tiny House and let your husband Live there . Jamaica cottage shop had some Nice tiny Houses . That way he can Have his man cave .

My advice is this:
It is time to give your siblings a chance to care for Dad in his home.
Say, for example: 6 mos.

Read this, on the forum, under articles:
Caught in the “Fix-It Trap” While Caregiving? You May Be Headed for Burnout
by
Cindy Laverty

Enter the title in the search icon above.

You said in a response that you worded your question incorrectly and you want to know how to make your husband more comfortable.
The answer to that is that you return to being his spouse and not your father's caregiver, housekeeper, cleaning lady, maid, cook.
Your dad can hire caregivers.
Your dad can hire a cleaning person.
And you can cook meals and freeze them for him.

Not sure if this is an indication as to what is in your mind but I find it odd that your last line you say "I love my dad and my husband"...why did you not phrase it I love my husband and my dad? Maybe I am reading into it more than it is.

Reading your responses below I see now that you were not asking questions about any choice.
You already made your choice.
Now you want to MAKE your husband "more comfortable" with that choice.
He is not comfortable with it. And you can't make him be.
I am sorry I didn't know before answering that you were not asking about what you can do about your OWN choices, because you can never make them for others, and I would simply have told you to place your chips and spin the wheel.
Let your husband know that you will be fine if he cannot stay and help with the task you have chosen. Tell him you hope and pray he will be as supportive as he's able, come over with takeout dinner once a week, have a date night with you when the siblings can watch dad. Who knows, perhaps absence will make the heart warm; perhaps he will enjoy alone time.

You made your choice.
That's fine. Choices comes with consequences and I hope yours are all good.
Simply said, don't even think to make choices for others. I hope your husband is supportive of your choice, and you of his.

One last thing and then I have to go to the hospital: the ultimate issue here is that you have no exit plan.

Golda’s mother lived to 109 years old.

I’m guessing you and your husband (I wrote dad lol) are in your late 60s or early 70s.

So you expect your husband to give up HIS golden years so that your dad, who clearly didn’t plan for his sunset years, will have everything he ever wanted for caregiving?

You want to be 85 and still caring for your dad? You think your husband should be ok with that? I’m going to give it to you straight because I think you are in some kind of “handle it” fog and someone needs to get it through to you— your plan is NUTS.

You have zero awareness of all the reasons you are in the wrong here— there are many reason why you are wrong, not just one reason.

You want your husband to get happy with his captive situation? With all due respect, what world are you living in? You are 100% wrong.

Your husband is a fully formed adult who knows his limits and when to exit, and his timeline is now. He will most likely leave whether you stay or not and he would be right in that decision.

Good old fashioned Daddy issues. Some people just never grow up.

Back In the day on Cape cod all the Houses I Lived in Had In Law apartments - an extension of the house for relatives . Then they tried banning them on Cape Cod . A lot of people are Buying tiny Homes for the parents to live in or some older people are choosing tiny home communities where they can Garden , community activities and picnics . The prices vary - I have seen some as cheap as $14,000 and often time people will get Married and sell their tiny home for a Good price . Google Images of tiny Homes and see if a builder is around you or craigslist I have seen them being sold . Discuss with your Husband he may really Love the idea . People get campers too and live in those .

Your husband can see what you can’t see about your relationship with your dad vs the one you have with him. It is primal.
He was happy in his own home with his wife. He is not happy now.
You are perhaps so busy “doing” that you just aren’t aware?

He may be saddened that you are ready to end your life with him as a couple.
That his needs aren’t as important to you.
True he didn’t get the shingles etc. but he isn’t interested in playing out your forever together fantasy with your family.
Perhaps he is confused about his feelings as he obviously wants you to have what you wanted but is authentic enough to let you know he is unhappy.

You say you don’t mind all the work and you seem to think since you don’t mind, no one else should. You have basically taken a job and are dragging him along with you.

He was willing to try. You have been consumed with your dads care for months now. Dad had a couple of back to back issues but is currently well I assume?

Time to go home. Refresh.
Let dad get back to normal before you care him right into helplessness.
Find a way to honor your marriage and your partner. If you aren’t happy living in your home with your husband, try therapy. You have been given a wake up call here and your strong reaction is a good indication that you have some work to do for yourself. Remember that you matter too.

”Although jealousy is a painful emotional experience, evolutionary psychologists regard it not as an emotion to be suppressed but as one to heed—as a signal or a wake-up call that a valued relationship is in danger and that steps need to be taken to regain the affection of a mate or friend. As a result, jealousy is seen as a necessary emotion, because it preserves social bonds and motivates people to engage in behaviors that maintain important relationships.”

https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/basics/jealousy

"My siblings are on board and willing to help." Great......move out and enlist your siblings now who are "willing to help."

I doubt you husband is "jealous" of your father, but of the time and attention you're devoting to him which should be devoted to your husband. Your father certainly doesn't sound like he needs 24/7 care or to be doted on, either!

Reexamine your priorities, op. Unless you're in an unhappy marriage and divorce is something you want. Lots of options exist for dad, including hiring in home help, having the siblings help out, or moving him into Assisted Living which is like day camp in a nice hotel for seniors.

Multigenerational living often SOUNDS like a good idea until the reality of it hits like a brick in the face.

Pulling this out from the comments so it doesn’t get lost:

Instead of moving your dad into assisted living, you moved your husband into an assisted living home.

Dear CaringforDad532,
From your past experience: This is an example of how to NOT PLAN and a FAILURE to plan for your Mother. Becoming a ward of the state while at the same time touting how you by tradition care for your elders at home?

" My mother who had serious health complications did go into a nursing home when her medical conditions got so bad we, me and my siblings, could no longer care for her properly. It took only 3 years for her to run out of money (over $200,000) + SS and we had to release her as a ward of the state where she was moved to lesser home and she died 8 months later."

Is this the PLAN your Dad is on?

Note:
There is no housing shortage in this family.
The Dad has his home,
the husband and wife have their home.