Caregiving throws many challenges our way, including care routines for our elders that they once performed for us when we were babies.
1. Taking care of their "bathroom issues"
Incontinence and trouble with toileting are common among the elderly. Many of you are changing a parent's incontinence briefs. While I never had to do that, there is a day from my past related to this type of care that is branded onto my brain. My dad had endured one of his many surgeries, though he was at home recovering. Mom had taken care of his toileting needs since he arrived home from the hospital, however one day when I was sitting with Dad so Mom could go out for awhile, he had to go to the bathroom. I certainly didn't mind helping him, but my heart was heavy with the thought that, since Dad was still cognitively stable, he would feel that his daughter helping him with such personal needs was embarrassing.
As it turned out, I needn't have feared. Dad was pragmatic when it came to the human body, and he welcomed my help without any sign of embarrassment. Since I sat with dad often, I quickly came to the point that the whole process was routine. Still, I've never forgotten the emotion involved that first time.
I've heard from male caregivers who think nothing of changing their mother's diapers. Diaper changing for them is an act of love, just as feeding her would be. Some men, however, feel great embarrassment when they first attempt this physically intimate duty. I don't believe that their response is the result of prudishness. I sense it's the same feeling I experienced with my dad. Something seems abnormal about handling a parent's most personal physical needs. It seems almost disrespectful. Most of us get over this feeling, as we internalize the fact that tending to our loved one's needs, no matter who the person is or how personal the task, is just one more act of loving care.
2. Giving mom or dad a bath
People differ greatly in their acceptance of needed help. My mother-in-law, Alice, needed assistance while bathing. One would think, since we were quite close and of the same gender, that her allowing me to help her bathe wouldn't have been a huge issue. However, Alice grew up with great modesty about the human body, and she never got beyond that shyness. She emphatically did not want any family member helping her bathe. Since she couldn't shower or bathe safely by herself, we found that hiring an in-home agency to send a caregiver for this task worked fairly well. While Alice didn't like them, either, she would allow the caregivers to do what they must. I believe that was because it seemed more "medical," therefore impersonal.
My heart tells me that most of us feel embarrassment because we care about the dignity of our elder or other person we care for. One way to get by that is to remind ourselves that it's certainly more dignified for the person to be clean and smell fresh than be offensive to others. When they fight us, as with the bathing issues I faced, sometimes outside help is the answer. That isn't likely to work when it comes to toileting, so convincing the person who is fighting your help that their dignity is at risk if they don't allow some help may be the best approach to take.