Would Mom be better off in a nursing home with others than living at home alone with no visitors but brief family visits?

I have a similar situation as you. Sometimes I can be a nag about wanting my mother to participate in the Silver Sneakers program at the YMCA I joined. I would like her to get her out of the house more with me, even if we just grab a bite to eat. But she does not wake up till 2:30pm. She stays up till 4/5am. watching TV, maybe reading. I work nights, so we are like passing ships. We are close and took many trips together up until she reached her 70's, so it has been difficult to realize I must let her go from our past relationship and form a new one as it relates to what she can do today and what she can remember, or has the energy for. She tells me that she has never been 88 yrs. before and does not know what it's like. I joke and say "I've never been 61 before, looking after someone, so I don't know what it's like either". But my mother is fairly happy, except that she cannot drive anymore. She's worked hard all her life and just wants to do what she can; relax, read, watch TV. She gets around slowly with a cane and still does very light chores, like washing the dishes. I am thankful that she is still able to care for herself. She has short term memory loss, but it hasn't become a danger to her. She rarely sees anyone, except our neighbors from time to time. I can get her out if I arrange a lunch or brunch with a few people she knows, but they rarely call her just to say "hello". Our society really forgets about the elderly. I think most times she is just so much into her little routine that she does not think of calling anyone, besides one sister. She tells me not to worry about her isolation so much; that she is learning to accept where she is at in her life, her ability to just do certain things and she is basically okay with it. So in answer to your question, if your mother is not causing any danger to herself, I would just let her live at home where she is comfortable and where she knows every nook and corner. She can follow her own routine and you may be able to schedule someone to come visit with her through healthcare agents; some are free. I hope this helps. Sometimes I do feel we want to do too much for them because we see ourselves in their shoes and how we would feel or what we imagine our needs would be, but we are thinking this way with much younger minds; we are not there yet.

As several peoplehave mentioned, it is about safety but also about improving quality of life. You might check your state or county senior services dept. I have a daughter with early dementia and before she was approved for Medicaid assistance I hired a person 2 hours a day, 2 days a week just to be with her. They played games, took walks and just talked and watched movies. I thought she was contented before but she was much better after a couple of weeks. I made sure she understood that if she didn't like the "friend" that we would find a new one. Patst

LEAVE HER ALONE. LET HER LIVE OUT HER LIFE AS IS! STOP LOOKING FOR WAYS TO DO THINGS DIFFERENTLY AND KNOW THE BEST WILL LEAD THE WAY!

DR COPPERTINO

If your mom is content and safe at home, than I would let her be.  You could reach out and get some homecare services for her.  Many home cares offer not only assistance with medications and dressing.  But there are also many that offer just companion care (someone to come out visit, do laundry, make meals, drive her around doing errands).  Not sure where you are located but there are some great home care agencies out there, to keep you mom at home and safe. Message me for more info on home care.

"She seems content." Therein lies your answer.
She seems to be doing what she enjoys. Let her be.

If she's managing well and is "a very organized individual," why are you considering changing that dynamic? Or are you just thinking ahead?

Only you can answer that. My Mom was not able to take care of herself. I had her for about 5 years but it became dangerous. I would think of everything envolved mostly her safty. If possible she needs to socialize to keep her mind going. Best of luck!! I know how hard this is and my sympthoy is with you.

My parents were not eating very well and struggling taking meds on time. Our siblings got together and toured assisted living communities and found a great one. They have since moved in and are having a blast eating great meals and have lots of new friends and go to all kids of fun activities. It was the best decision we ever made and my parents are both very happy. Moving out of their home was a change but honestly they did very well with the transition.

My own Mother was happiest in Her own Home where She could have tea when She wished, and She could go to bed when She liked and there was no one to say up or down to Her. If I had put my Mom into a Nursing Care Home She would have lost all of Her Freedom, Independance, and that is some thing none of Us would ever wish to loose. Home was very important to Mom and She was the central Figure the Heartbeat of Our Home. Now it is no longer Home just a drab auld house which has lost its Soul.
Please leave Your Mother be where She is happiest. Why try to anticipate what She might prefer when Your Mother will tell You what She wants. Home is the Sailor Home from the seas, and the Hunter is Home from the hill.

Is she safe? My Mother fell and thankfully only broke a few ribs. It could have been worse. If she is happy and safe then good for her, but don't wait until something terrible happens and forces you to make a quick decision. That's what happened to us. At first she hated the change now she is happy as can be with lots of friends in her assisted living. She is no longer lonely and I can sleep at night knowing she is safe and near by where I can get to her quickly.

You stated your mother is perfectly content at home. LOVE is your solution! A new place could do quite the opposite of what you intend, especially considering your mother doesn't have dementia or a medical need. Loneliness is an issue, but you are visiting her, possibly daily? She doesn't sound like she has the medical needs required by a nursing facility. As for loneliness, nursing homes don't fix this problem! They are often short staffed and the people who must share a room do not always get along. Otherwise, the one room can cost around $10,000 month or more. Perhaps you meant assisted living? Assisted Living look good on the outside, but again, there are issues with short staffing and payment of over $3,000 monthly for a one bedroom and one bath facility. My experience with many is that they have a very short ratio of staff to resident 1:14 or 1:18. There is often high turnover of staff, so no solid relations are developed. They do offer meals served at the same time and sometimes there are activities. Your mother may or may not join in on them. Right now, she is mentally competent and content. I wouldn't disturb that! I'm a bit concerned about her nutrition. Perhaps leaving her refrigerator as it is, but hiring someone to visit her frequently, share nutritional food that she likes (Nuts? Fish? Any veggies or fruit?) would be a solution. You can interview them together with mom and see if there is a good fit. Obviously, let your mom know beforehand. Another item would be to get her going to a senior center where there are activities. You or a trusted, hired friend can take her. Bottom line is, she is content because she has YOU in her life. Nursing homes truly lead to isolation and her level of need does not fit a nursing home! As for assisted living's, please be careful! (Watch Frontline's "Living and Dying in Assisted Living") Any gerontologist can tell you that a big move / change can upset an elderly person and bring on stress, trauma and possible dementia. It could shake her up internally. (The transition is tougher than if you or I essentially lost our homes and were forced to live in an assisted living. We would adjust, but not happily.) LOVE is your solution, not a new place! You can seek community solutions to combat loneliness, or social isolation. (Perhaps an organization like "Home Instead"? Check your local Senior Solutions agency.)

My mother didn't want to be around people period. She was perfectly happy to be home by herself. Ask her what she wants to do.

I am a social person but being around people, even those I love, for extended periods tires me and all I want to do is get away. A lot of you younger people think of it from your point of view, I see you saying, "I wouldn't want...., or I think....".

A lot of the time, especially if you wear hearing aids, a lot of noise is bothersome. When you are in your 80's and 90's you don't have the energy to visit all the time. My husband's nephew, his wife, daughter-in-law and two sweet little boys came to see us yesterday. After about an hour I couldn't wait for them to be gone. This last summer I spent 5 days at the beach with most of my immediate family. The happy noise my children and grandchildren made drove me down to sit under the canopy at the beach with my book for hours. I had to keep explaining to one of my daughters that "NO, I am NOT MAD, I am HAPPY, I just want to sit and look at the water!!!!!!!!" Hubby and I are used to quiet.

I would leave her in her own home - seems like she's doing well. You and she are quite blessed compared to so many others.

I can’t help but think that if she’s content, let her stay st home. It seems to be working for your mother and for you. a nursing home could set her back. We’re facing something similar and waiting until rhe last minute to consider a nursing home. Good luck.

Having been in the field many years (and now also a caregiver) I can tell you that changes in environment are often traumatic and lead to decline...but not always. Your focus is on her energy though I think you are really wondering about her well-being and feel she would be more socially engaged around others. But is that what SHE would want? Is she more a loner that likes her privacy and independence? I would be more concerned with safety issues; is food spoiled in the fridge or does she have it together enough to throw out what is not good? Would she be able to respond appropriately in an emergency? Does she have an emergency alert button and a knox/lock box? Do you have a local senior center with programs including transportation that could pick her up and take her to a lunch or activity program to see if she even liked that sort of thing? What about Meals On Wheels? Might be some things to consider before a move...On the other hand...some will advocate for making a move while she can still function and more easily adjust. Home is home, I'm not in that group.

Toni
Pick up a copy of “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. I think you would find it helpful as you enter this stage of your mom’s life.
Also consider her being evaluated by a Neurologist and a Physical Therapist. Her gait sounds worrisome. She might benefit from a cane for stability. Consider cameras and a Medialert.
Its comforting to check in and see a loved one going about their day.

I have a similar situation. Mom has a housekeeper twice per week and I see her at least once per week (I live 25 minutes away). She is 95 and lives alone in her own home taking care of her self. She does really well with her meds (only 2 in the am and 2 in the pm!) I would love to get help to come in on the other days but she doesn't like anyone I try! But being home is the best! So - I have decided to let it go and see how it goes. I can always get someone if she needs someone. If only it was as easy to do as it is to write…..I worry a lot!

Hello Tony, good for you to reach out for opinions from others.
If your mom is able to be independent and is not complaining about having extra company I would like to suggest her staying home..,....watching sports news is time consuming and she is staying focused. Reading, even for myself, is a most enjoyable past time.
keep in mind at home she knows where her belongings are, I assume she is doing a fair amount of self care shower hair wash getting dressed..
Listening to books on tape is an additional choice...
maybe look into A Companion Care through care.com provides companion care visits with your mom for 2 hours Monday Wednesday Friday.
Some woman like one on one attention either for hair washing and you may some suggestions as to what you feel would benefit mom; walks outside are mostly welcome maybe a volunteer from a church based community may volunteer. If you are not community based I would try anyway. They may lead you to other volunteers...
with best wishes.
If there are no safety issues then I would let her stay home....no place like home....
Emi

Please, no nursing home ,if it can be helped. I have seen nothing but abuse and neglect there. My father was in one and my father in-law was in one. My father was in only temporarily, thank God. My Father in-law was in one for only two months and declined in health rapidly , till his death. Try to avoid if she’s doing as good as you say.

You are describing my mom to a T! I'm currently in the same situation with my mom and her behavior is exact to what you described. I'm interested to see what responses you get. I just feel my mom is to aware to be in a home right now.

It sounds like she should stay put; I'm not sure she would qualify clinically for a nursing home anyway. I would encourage her to engage in activites however. Some senior centers offer morning activities that culminate in lunch for example. Sometimes, there are programs that allow for seniors to engage with school children....like a chess or cribbage club. One elderly friend of mine, a retired school teacher, used to tutor a couple students who had trouble with reading. Your mom will benefit from interacting with people younger than herself. With my mom, I learned that she had fond memories of going bowling with her mom.....so we took her candlepin bowling. She didn't bowl a whole string, but the outing including granddaughter was marvelous. My mom like yours had some memory issues, so if she secured the council on aging van to go to the hair dresser, I would call her to remind her to get ready. This model worked for about three years...when she did require a nursing home, it was only for one year. I can't imagine living in a nursing home for 4 1/2 years! Last thought, I knew someone who would find a nursing student (they lived in a college town) to board with their mother. Cheap housing for the student and companionship for their mom!

My dad decided to move to Independent Living because my mom was just watching TV all day in their retirement community of 30 years. As she was always the social butterfly, he thought being somewhere with activities right in the building would be great. It did not work. Apparently, the dementia affected the part of her brain that regulates motivation. Teepa Snow has a great video on that. My mom just has no interest in anything but TV and reading. The same may be true of your mom.
If you can get her to a senior center for a few days a week, you might find out if she wants the company or not.
Also, as my mom's cognitive skills declined, she was intimidated by new people as she could not manage the interactions. They are now in AL, and she is better interacting there with people of similar ability.

Hi Toni,
If your mom is doing well, I would not even consider a nursing home, assisted living or independent living. Those are big changes, and unless it is desired by her, may have a negative effect outcome.

Too often, we children force our own perceptions onto our elderly parents. We think they’re not socializing enough, they’re not getting out enough, etc., I struggled with the same exact feelings when I cared for my parents. But they are stronger and most happy when independent in their own home for as long as possible. Many things- slowing of socializing, lessening activity (getting out & going) are actually very normal parts of living as an elderly person. Sounds like she’s happy and can operate fine within her own home. If there are any issues you have, at this point, maybe you can help her tweak them. Otherwise, I’d leave things as they are. What a blessing you are to be concerned and to be a wonderful daughter!!

I fail to understand how people think that a Nursing Home will solve all or most of their problems. NHs are just different places, different locations, and you take your problems with you, plus there are other problems that will arise in the NH. Nursing Homes are not holiday inns! I personally think that nobody should be in a NH unless they would not know the difference.

If it's just a matter of socialization, then I don't think nursing home is the answer at all. Believe me it doesn't always happen there. I agree with other suggestions here that other options would be assisted living first. Even some supplemental care at home. With my mom, I kept her home as long as possible.

What if she’s had two falls in 4 months both ending up in surgery? Hip replacement, She was required by rehab to go to AL. But, when she’s better, send her home?

Why "nursing home" Start with Assisted Living. Or even Independent Living facility that can accommodate her as she goes from Independent to Assisted to Memory Care?
If/when you find a facility that you like when you do the tour ask if she can take a "Stay-cation" there. Tell Mom you noticed some "mold" or something else in the house and she has to move out for a few days so it can be taken care of. The few days should be of minimal cost and might give you a good idea if she would do well or fit in with the activities going on as well as doing well with the people.

Again and again on the forum we read of elders stubbornly clinging to their familiar homes despite many varied challenges. I think that people become very comfortable with situations that are not necessarily good for them (sort of like that frog in the pot of boiling water), that doesn't mean that they might not be happier with something different. A lot depends on the individual circumstances - how many family visits, and how brief? Any opportunity to get out with friends or to outside events? What kind of other living options are available in the community? Telephone friends? What kind of social services are available in the home?

Obviously a person capable of living independently would not be happy in a nursing home, nor would they likely qualify. But an independent living apartment, surrounded by their own things with help and social opportunities available just outside the door - that might be a healthier option for many people. And if such a place is attached to a facility that offers a continuum of care all the better.

Why does everyone start thinking "nursing home" when parents aging? Nursing Home is NOT a good solution unless the person is very ill or has advanced dementia. As long as the parent is able to perform ADLs and lives safely in familiar surroundings, why move? Also may not meet criteria for nursing home care. You can't just place a person because they are old! There has to be medical need for that level of care. Assisted living may sound nice, but can be costly and not as comfortable as their own home!

Would your mom consider a senior activity center a couple times a week? Do you think she would be eligible for an Assisted Living situation? I would not consider a skilled nursing facility for her at this time. In my experience, the people placed in skilled nursing often are not often ones who can offer a social experience to other residents.