Would Mom be better off in a nursing home with others than living at home alone with no visitors but brief family visits?

How old is your Mom? Can you give us more info? She sounds pretty “with it” being able to prepare meals, eat and manage on her own...is she getting herself up in the morning, getting dressed, staying clean, and managing getting to the bathroom on her own? Is she walking? Does she take meds and is she managing them on her own? Or are your brief visits helping her with all this? If she’s doing all or many of these things independently, she’s not really a candidate for a nursing home. But she may enjoy an independent living apartment where meals are served and entertainment is provided. My Mom lived in one for 6 years and loved the socialization. We eventually had to add a few hours of private caregiving to help with meds etc, before it was time for assisted living, and then finally a nursing home when she couldn’t do any of those tasks on her own. Google Activities of Daily Living (ADLs theyre called) and see how she compares.

Is she living totally on her own?

My mom lost her ability to drive due to macular degeneration and became a total shut in in her late 70's. Although she insisted she wanted to stay in her familiar home and we were available for weekly shopping trips when I look back I realize that the decades of isolation must have been brutal and I regret that we allowed ourselves to accept the status quo. Whether you choose IL, AL, daycare or the seniors centre I think that all people, even introverts, do better when they have the opportunity to connect with others.

I agree socialization is very important; however many elderly want to remain in their home and we need to respect their wishes as long as their safety is not seriously impaired. Your mother may do better in AL if she agrees to the move. I had two elderly great-great-aunts who lived together all their lives. When the older aunt was 90, this very independent lady decided to sell her home (which the sisters shared) and enter a nursing home (there were no senior living or AL at that time), She was happy there. Her younger sibling who didn't really want to go never stopped complaining about being in the home even though they shared a room. They were there a little over 9 years, the younger died first at 93 and the elder a couple of months later at 99.

Is there a senior center near your mom? Many provide transportation to and from home for little or no cost. At this point, Mom might more readily agree to spending a few mornings or days a week at a senior center program. Once she enjoys the socialization opportunities there, she may be more likely to consider AL.

Weve checked AL, but she can't afford $5K a month. That would be ideal. She only takes 3 meds, including a multi vitamin, and I bought an alarm pill box from Altzheimers.org. it works great. I've noticed that she doesn't walk as fast as she used to. Her steps are very short and careful. She hasn't cooked on a stove in years... Just toaster and microwave. She gets up after 12pm but doesn't go to bed until 1 or 2. But her schedule is stable. She remembers to go to the barn to feed the barn cats and water the horses, but she can't remember how long food has been in the refrigerator. She's truly amazing. She's very independent and doesn't want to be a bother. She misses my Dad who died 9 years ago and was the social one of the two. I've offered to drive her to the senior center but she is NOT interested. She doesn't want to go to horseshow anymore to watch grandkids and greats. She has a very short attention span and is very self focused now. She loves us but she's not all that interested in us anymore. She also doesn't remember a lot of people and it embarrasses her, even though I have the same problem as do my friends. I, personally would prefer that she stay in her home until she's comatose, or doesn't know where she is.

Oh, she's 78. She gave up driving a year ago on her own, because she didn't want to be a danger to others. For a while I took her grocery shopping. Now, she won't go with me. She has a list of things to replace. I try to get extras like fresh fruit but she doesn't remember to put them on her list.

Thank you, I will.

Heck, I can't even remember how long food has been in the fridge, I use masking tape and a sharpie to put the use or throw out date.

She sounds like she is just fine at home, if you are worried about her being alone to much, try to find visiting Angel's or volunteer visitors to come see her or enlist all the friends and family to rotate spending time with her.

Old people get tired and less social, do her wanting to stay home is completely normal.

I pray she continues to do well at home and gets to go on her terms.

If every time I lost or couldn’t find something in the fridge, I’d be in nursing home too.

The only thing I would add is to consider having her evaluated for depression. A lot of seniors get depressed as part of the bodily aging process. I’m suggesting that to rule it out as a possible cause for her lack of interest in the things you mention. Once ruled out, if she prefers to stay alone in her home I would support it unless it was a safety issue. I don’t think the isolation is as healthy as socialization but some people prefer to be on their own and there are other ways to provide socialization for her on an as needed or as desired basis.

You're getting good advice and I would only add a few other considerations. First, the only reason to move your Mom would be if she's not safe and healthy where she is. If she has a routine that suits her and she is happy, that's great. Research shows that moving in advanced age can be very stressful so avoid doing so until it's necessary. Second, most seniors prefer to stay at home as long as they can, and in home care or visits may be your first avenue. Discuss it with her doctor and when she needs more care, the doctor can write a script which includes the care she needs so it can be covered. A senior social worker may also provide some valuable input about options, and research what is available in your mother's area and reviews from others. Third, ask your mother is she would like to move where she has meals, activities, and more contact with people, and if she's open to visiting independent or assisted living before the need arises.
It sounds like your mother is doing well and happy where she is, but having a conversation about what she would like in the future may be good for both of you. It may ease your mind knowing you are fulfilling her wishes once she can no longer make those decisions.
I can't have that conversation with my mother, who is 91 and lives alone by choice yet complains about everything: neighbors, her heat, her a/c, the sun coming in her window, you name it, but she won't have a conversation that results in any improvements. As a result, I have communicated my wishes to my sons and daughters-in-law so they can know what I would want even if I can't communicate it should something happen.
I wish you the best, but "don't fix what ain't broke." Gauge the situation by your mother's content, health, safety, and happiness. Good luck!

By the time you're 78 you've pretty much figured out what suits you. What you like to eat, what company - if any - you like to keep, your own idea of fun.

So although we might like to think of our parents eating a fabulous five a day diet, taking gentle exercise and making new friends (or even more: "old people can be so cute!" from the film Clueless springs to mind) and smiling on their supportive team of caregivers as they join in making festive decorations...

If, on sober reflection, such a scenario would make you wonder if your mother had been abducted and cloned by aliens...

Best not interfere. You don't necessarily know better than she does what's good for her.

Having said that: her voluntarily giving up the car shows that she is realistic about the need to adapt, plus there are one or two signs that you want to keep an eye on her own preferred routines to make sure she's coping. Then you can be ready to send in reinforcements or rethink her care plan as needed.

NOT A NURSING HOME. Those are pest holes. I call them legal death camps. She would be better off at assisted living facility. If she is continent bowel and bladder that's the best place.

My mom is in her mid-80’s with no health issues and HATES people, but then talks endlessly to anyone who crosses her path. I wish I had left her alone 4 states away as she seemed to be getting along fine there. Now it’s an endless parade of demands and complaints. Or else reminiscing about her great mold-infested apartment and amazing neighbors. If she’s doing well and happy; don’t rock the boat.

As others have said, if she is content, safe, clean and still does her routines, leave her be. It is natural that as you get older, your world becomes smaller. All your family and friends are dying or dead and your closest caregiver becomes your social life. Most elderly wish to remain in their homes until the end and that's great if that's possible. As they no longer drive and start moving slower, social activities will drop dramatically. Short term memory loss doesn't help either. In addition to those things, my Mom was profoundly hard of hearing (hearing aids didn't really help) so social interaction was frustrating for those who did visit. When visitors had to keep repeating themselves, their visits became less and less. As I said, the caregiver a lot of times is their only social interaction. That's why Meals on Wheels is so important in the community. My Mom had a 2-person cleaning service that came every 2 weeks and one time I came in to find them sitting with my Mom socializing with her and her cat. I was angry at first thinking they weren't getting their job done, however, I came to realize what a blessing it was to have them "visit" with her. These ladies even visited my Mom in the nursing home after she was placed there. I was amazed and grateful to them. Short term memory loss will give way to just living in the moment, so if she is happy (or content) to do her routines, again I say let her be. It's hard to watch this aging process but we all will go through it at some point as life expectancy keeps getting longer with modern medicine. I just hope I can leave this world with dignity.

This sounds so much like the situation with my Mom, except its talk shows & sit-coms! I work full time so I can't be there every day and my only sibling (who is retired & lives 1 hr away) can't be bothered. With the exception of talking on the phone to her neighbor & sister and one couple who take her to dinner once a week. I am her soul entertainment! I take her to her sister's on Sunday so they can go to church, and she complains that its too much for me to do (it involves about an hr of my time) I also visit her once or twice thru out the week to run to the grocery/bank/dinner. Then she complains that all she does is sit at home alone. Plus she lives in a rural area and the idea of me taking her to a Senior Center for day activities would be like pulling teeth. She wouldn't go alone and there is no one that would go with her.

I keep thinking I need to take the step to move her to a Senior Living facility just to be around more people & have something to do, but then I start thinking about the expense and knowing that eventually she will end up in a assisted living or nursing home. Its tough, I know that moving her from her home of 50+ years and giving up many of her things is going to be hard on all of us. I too, am torn on when and what to do.

Well, I guess you could ask her - I myself, prefer no one else around as long
as there are regular visits and things to do, I am very content - as i am sure
she is.

No. Always better in known surroundings. And leave her in her home with hospice workers that come in daily. Most insurance carriers offer hospice. She's had a life full of energy, it's her time to rest and she is content. Sign her up for meals on wheels and she'll have company daily and food.

Would your mom consider a senior activity center a couple times a week? Do you think she would be eligible for an Assisted Living situation? I would not consider a skilled nursing facility for her at this time. In my experience, the people placed in skilled nursing often are not often ones who can offer a social experience to other residents.

Why does everyone start thinking "nursing home" when parents aging? Nursing Home is NOT a good solution unless the person is very ill or has advanced dementia. As long as the parent is able to perform ADLs and lives safely in familiar surroundings, why move? Also may not meet criteria for nursing home care. You can't just place a person because they are old! There has to be medical need for that level of care. Assisted living may sound nice, but can be costly and not as comfortable as their own home!

Again and again on the forum we read of elders stubbornly clinging to their familiar homes despite many varied challenges. I think that people become very comfortable with situations that are not necessarily good for them (sort of like that frog in the pot of boiling water), that doesn't mean that they might not be happier with something different. A lot depends on the individual circumstances - how many family visits, and how brief? Any opportunity to get out with friends or to outside events? What kind of other living options are available in the community? Telephone friends? What kind of social services are available in the home?

Obviously a person capable of living independently would not be happy in a nursing home, nor would they likely qualify. But an independent living apartment, surrounded by their own things with help and social opportunities available just outside the door - that might be a healthier option for many people. And if such a place is attached to a facility that offers a continuum of care all the better.

Why "nursing home" Start with Assisted Living. Or even Independent Living facility that can accommodate her as she goes from Independent to Assisted to Memory Care?
If/when you find a facility that you like when you do the tour ask if she can take a "Stay-cation" there. Tell Mom you noticed some "mold" or something else in the house and she has to move out for a few days so it can be taken care of. The few days should be of minimal cost and might give you a good idea if she would do well or fit in with the activities going on as well as doing well with the people.

What if she’s had two falls in 4 months both ending up in surgery? Hip replacement, She was required by rehab to go to AL. But, when she’s better, send her home?

If it's just a matter of socialization, then I don't think nursing home is the answer at all. Believe me it doesn't always happen there. I agree with other suggestions here that other options would be assisted living first. Even some supplemental care at home. With my mom, I kept her home as long as possible.

I fail to understand how people think that a Nursing Home will solve all or most of their problems. NHs are just different places, different locations, and you take your problems with you, plus there are other problems that will arise in the NH. Nursing Homes are not holiday inns! I personally think that nobody should be in a NH unless they would not know the difference.

Hi Toni,
If your mom is doing well, I would not even consider a nursing home, assisted living or independent living. Those are big changes, and unless it is desired by her, may have a negative effect outcome.

Too often, we children force our own perceptions onto our elderly parents. We think they’re not socializing enough, they’re not getting out enough, etc., I struggled with the same exact feelings when I cared for my parents. But they are stronger and most happy when independent in their own home for as long as possible. Many things- slowing of socializing, lessening activity (getting out & going) are actually very normal parts of living as an elderly person. Sounds like she’s happy and can operate fine within her own home. If there are any issues you have, at this point, maybe you can help her tweak them. Otherwise, I’d leave things as they are. What a blessing you are to be concerned and to be a wonderful daughter!!

My dad decided to move to Independent Living because my mom was just watching TV all day in their retirement community of 30 years. As she was always the social butterfly, he thought being somewhere with activities right in the building would be great. It did not work. Apparently, the dementia affected the part of her brain that regulates motivation. Teepa Snow has a great video on that. My mom just has no interest in anything but TV and reading. The same may be true of your mom.
If you can get her to a senior center for a few days a week, you might find out if she wants the company or not.
Also, as my mom's cognitive skills declined, she was intimidated by new people as she could not manage the interactions. They are now in AL, and she is better interacting there with people of similar ability.

It sounds like she should stay put; I'm not sure she would qualify clinically for a nursing home anyway. I would encourage her to engage in activites however. Some senior centers offer morning activities that culminate in lunch for example. Sometimes, there are programs that allow for seniors to engage with school children....like a chess or cribbage club. One elderly friend of mine, a retired school teacher, used to tutor a couple students who had trouble with reading. Your mom will benefit from interacting with people younger than herself. With my mom, I learned that she had fond memories of going bowling with her mom.....so we took her candlepin bowling. She didn't bowl a whole string, but the outing including granddaughter was marvelous. My mom like yours had some memory issues, so if she secured the council on aging van to go to the hair dresser, I would call her to remind her to get ready. This model worked for about three years...when she did require a nursing home, it was only for one year. I can't imagine living in a nursing home for 4 1/2 years! Last thought, I knew someone who would find a nursing student (they lived in a college town) to board with their mother. Cheap housing for the student and companionship for their mom!

You are describing my mom to a T! I'm currently in the same situation with my mom and her behavior is exact to what you described. I'm interested to see what responses you get. I just feel my mom is to aware to be in a home right now.

Please, no nursing home ,if it can be helped. I have seen nothing but abuse and neglect there. My father was in one and my father in-law was in one. My father was in only temporarily, thank God. My Father in-law was in one for only two months and declined in health rapidly , till his death. Try to avoid if she’s doing as good as you say.

Hello Tony, good for you to reach out for opinions from others.
If your mom is able to be independent and is not complaining about having extra company I would like to suggest her staying home..,....watching sports news is time consuming and she is staying focused. Reading, even for myself, is a most enjoyable past time.
keep in mind at home she knows where her belongings are, I assume she is doing a fair amount of self care shower hair wash getting dressed..
Listening to books on tape is an additional choice...
maybe look into A Companion Care through care.com provides companion care visits with your mom for 2 hours Monday Wednesday Friday.
Some woman like one on one attention either for hair washing and you may some suggestions as to what you feel would benefit mom; walks outside are mostly welcome maybe a volunteer from a church based community may volunteer. If you are not community based I would try anyway. They may lead you to other volunteers...
with best wishes.
If there are no safety issues then I would let her stay home....no place like home....
Emi