Will the siblings step up if I quit?

id shame them by doing twice as good a job as before. theyre holding back to sabatogue you and watch you crash and burn. ive been thru this and this was my solution. they finally acknolewged the futility of their strategy and came scampering to help.

I do not think it will help. Can you afford to hire someone? Would the contribute financially rather than personally? Does mom have any assets that can go towards her care such that it alleviates your responsibilities?

it worked for me. they got the h*** back to relieve me for work at a reduced compensation. im a real hardass ..

whoa, in the blink of an eye AC has a new profanity editing program. thisll take some getting used to. p@%cks !!
k###s m& a## m(&*$%f&&&er#

i hope fla bends 125 degrees in the wind and recoils to siberia. RUBES, RUBES, etc..
bring a winter coat-----

What are their excuses for not helping? Is your mom still miserable in her new home? I read an earlier post where some sisters left in tears after mom was very unhappy with you all. Does she live in a house by herself or in a facility for seniors? I'm a bit confused about where she is living.

You don't have POA so by law you are NOT the one responsible for your Mom... So NO it's not against the law for you to call POA and tell her you are leaving Mom's care to her!!

blannie: she has been deemed unable to go back to her home (where she lived alone); after leaving a senior rehab facility last fall we managed to convince her to stay with our aunt (her sister) for a while; the time is far over what she agreed to and she is very angry; siblings have disappeared from the initial help we were all contributing. Appointments have been missed because no one showed up to take her to the doctor and food shopping not done. Basically, everyone has stopped helping. Promises are made and then nothing-- I'm taking off work in the middle of the day, going to work late, not going at all and running out of money. I'm hoping to find a way to fix this before it gets worse. I feel abandoned. We are new to this degree of care that is needed and I think they are unable to deal with the burden. My aunt needs help also since she can no longer drive or keep up with meds and has no children of her own.

My hope is that you folks with long time experience can give me some advice. I am only 4-5 months into this degree of caregiving and it is much harder than ever expected. One person cannot do it all-- not me anyway-- without falling into depression. I'm now trying to manage three different households-- my own, mom's and my aunt's. This is driving me cuckoo which led me to the thought of running away also and see where the chips fall. The more I type the more I feel shallow and weak. This is not fair to my elderly mom and aunt who have been and are lovely but things are changing rapidly. I cannot get sibs to understand that mental and emotional capabilities change and we can't be hurt, we have to help. They don't care because it is interrupting their fun and stable lives. Good grief do I have to beg and remind and push them to send their share of agreed upon funds?

So many caregivers are really angels. I commend you all because I'm new to this and it is difficult already. God bless.

Aww, sunshine, I feel for you. What about your local social services programs for elders? Depending on where you are and where these older relatives of yours live, there are lots of local programs to help get them to doctors appointments, get them food, etc.

I think, in some situations, NOTHING makes siblings step up if they don't want to. See if you can get help for these folks from your local Dept of Aging resources. Then there will be less work all around? And maybe siblings will stop being afraid that if they start to help they'll end up like you, in your situation? :)

Now that I've said all that, I'll tell you that I declared "I quit" to my sibling (only other one that cares, older bro) recently, and it would seem he's sort of listening. He's taken my dad and has kept him for a few weeks now, giving me a break. So… maybe if you say that you quit, you get respite, at least. :)

Most people are not prepared to take time off from their jobs and kids, to care for another person, even for a 2 hour period. I feel if an elderly person needs around the clock care, they need to be in a skilled nursing facility. Did your mother have any plans (long time insurance, money) on how she was to be cared for, if she was unable to do it herself? Relying on "someone will do it" doesn't seem like it works out.

My advice QUIT and see what happens? I too want to run away but dont have the money to do so yet but if i did i would go and make them "STEP UP". As my doc says if i were to die tomorrow who would look after my mum? You will get ill from doing this on your own i know i did get ill. Still siblings not bothered?
At least if you quit either they help out or not then you will know where you stand with them and if you decide to take this journey on your own at least you are doing the right thing and they are nothing but selfish pigs.
Have you considered AL if you cant cope then a home is the only solution i just cant think of any solutions to my problems now or later than mum goes into a home I cannot do this alone its just not fair. she brought us all up and did her best for us with little money and now noone wants to look after her when she needs us?
I hate them and will find it hard to forgive them when mum dies theyve no idea how hard this is.
Yep if i were you id quit even for awhile and see what happens?
Good Luck and take care of you!

Just quiting is most unfair to your aunt and mother. If you cannot continue it is understandable, the best thing to do is to place mom in NH.
Expecting others to do as much as you do may seem fair, and I once felt that way, but I see the other side of the coin. Let me draw an analogy. Two siblings earn the same income, the first has strong beliefs and donates 50% to charity! the second does not and chooses to invest in luxuries and retirement. Does the first sibling have the right to demand the second contribute more?

Your siblings are unfair, and no doubt you are doing the morally superior thing, however, I do not think it is a battle you can win if you define victory as changing someone else's behavior. Define victory as changing the situation instead.

"Quiting" will only lower you to their standard.

caring for a fading elder , after the fact , is the most enriching of experiences but noone can care for two elders in later stages of decline and in fact it will take two or more to care for just one elder. i dont have much advise on how to get the cooperation tho. my sis and niece wussed out after just a couple or three months and until the very end, i , doc, and hospice managed moms care. sis and niece now live in moms house / property, free and clear, no mortgage, and are as happy as pigs in crap. they didnt " win " anything. the house was dumped on them so i wouldnt have to dump money into it , theylle have it trashed and lying on its side in a year and i hope their sky jeBus slaps the crap out of them some day.
if possible, care for one elder, when she passes do your best with the other one. im living it and feel pretty good about myself.

Dr. Phil says the best predictor of future behavior is past relevant behavior. More than likely what your siblings have done in the past and what they are doing now is what they will continue to do. I personally thought that once my mother could no longer live alone and I took her with me that my siblings would see that we could do this as a family and they would help occasionally (mostly for respite). Well that did not happen. The level of selfishness is unbelievable. I am so deeply disappointed but I failed to look at the situation hard and cold in the face. If you want to help, you will have to find a way to manage through the situation,most likely on your own.

yup ladybtg,
they may play hero for a while but this gig is about endurance. its pretty complicated and ever regressing and most people just dont have it in them. finances and availability are the problem for many but crappy priorities for many more. my sis and niece were PAID for helping and couldnt hang. frankly they didnt have the skill required , in hindsight.
im getting pizzed in remembering them showing up at 11;00 am on monday mornings to relieve me for work. on what planet does one show up for work just whenever they by god get there?

sunshinenjoy, just as you had no idea what you were getting into (like most of the rest of us), your siblings can't really relate to what you are going through. They can see that it is hard on you, though, and don't intend to take it on themselves.

I don't think that you quitting is going to change their behavior.

The one who has POA is responsible for handling the finances, but not required to take care of your mother. Read the POA document before talking to him, so you'll be in a better place to understand what he's agreed to.

I don't think quitting will change you siblings' behavior. But I think you should quit. Not suddenly, with no ongoing plan in place. That would not be fair to your mother and your aunt. They deserve reliable care. You deserve your own life.

Maybe these two elderly sisters could get by with more in-home care. Maybe the best solution would be to move to a care center. There are a lot of decisions to be made, a lot of applications to be filled out, a lot of paperwork and running around to do. This isn't going to happen in the next two weeks!

Explain to your family that you cannot continue doing the hands-on caregiving. You are going to be investigating other options for these ladies. You would like their help with that, and with keeping things going until a new plan can be put in place. Maybe the view that this is now temporary will inspire them to pitch in again. Maybe not. But move forward with or without them.

The POA can/should get involved in the financial end of things. He can collect all the financial history needed to apply for Medicaid, for example.

Once their day-to-day needs are being met in other ways, you can go back to being the loving daughter and niece, without being the hands-on caregiver. Your siblings will all have that option, too.

I feel for you and know how hard it can be. My sister and I honored our father's wish to keep him in his home until his death. For almost three years we gave him excellent care 24/7, together when he needed both of us and taking turns when he only needed one person. We kept his home running while trying to maintain relationships with our spouses, children and grandchildren. It was exhausting work that could have been made easier if the other 5 siblings would have helped. Despite repeated request for help, they wouldn't lift a finger. Picking arguments so they had excuses not to call or visit. (Thought that might be me imagining it but I've read it over and over again from other post on this site that this is a common behavior (tactic). Interesting how certain minds work!) Of course, they were at his home for days after his passing....with their hands out.
I will be forever grateful to my sibling who not only stood by me but also along side our father.

It depends. In some families, that would work. Some families have family meetings and such where people can really discuss this. Or, maybe that only happens on TV, but I know my family doesn't operate in that way. Some families are full of procrastinators, though, and if you leave, they might feel bad, they might mean to get to it, they might mean to take charge, but they won't. So, you can't ask us this question and get any kind of an answer.

Whether it's legal or it? Overall, I don't think any of us are born with a legal responsibility to our parents, but if you have POA or something like that, you might. If you have some legal stuff going on like POA, I'd ask a lawyer before doing anything.

Based on many families, though, when one person does it all, the others don't feel the pressure to take over. They know they could do it "tomorrow" and they just never get around to it, and in some families, they don't even feel they need to do anything, at all -- there is no way to motivate some people.

I deeply appreciate the advice of everyone who took their precious time to answer. I see some light from each response and feel uplifted. It is better to get the question out of my mind and get insight from you.