Why do the ones we care for turn on us?

You're sincerely welcome, AndreaAnn. And thank YOU, seven13. I'm sure you're both wonderful, yourselves. Have a gr8 day, and God Bless.

My mother turns on me also. She is in a nursing home facility and has been doing some really strange things like yelling/screaming for Amanda. We don't even know an Amanda. My mothers situation has a lot to do with, in my opinion, the antibiotics. I was told by the physicial that once she is off the antibiotics for a certain period of time, they will test her for dementia to see to what degree this has progressed. That confirmed it for me that antibiotics do interfere with the mental thought process. Not sure if this has anything to do with your mom, but just in case... I hope it helps a little. If not, store the info away because it may be pertinent in the future.
I have a co-wrkr whose mother is in the same facility, and when she was put on antibiotics, her dementia worsened considerably. Once she came off them, she resumed a more normal life - as normal goes for her. I think this may be my mother's issue but do not know if she is still on the antibiotics or not. I am waiting for a call back from her nurse.
The only thing you can do is walk away for a while, as hard as it is to do without getting angry yourself. I know my feelings of anger do surface because I just can't understand it when it happens as this is all very new to me.......... VERY NEW!!!
I agree with donnacecilia, the more you attempt to calm them down, the more agitated they become. I watched my brother try to "reason with her" and he would not listen to me, finally he just gave in and figured out I was right! let it go, walk away.

My MILs Dr. Finally told my husband after I've been telling the Dr. That my MIL is very abusive towards my her caregiver and the am caregiver in the am. I have been having such problems with my MIL getting her bathed and dressed its putting a great strain on my health . I'm in constant pain and with my MILs resistance and struggles its put me in pain just trying. So her Dr. Told my husband that from now on HE needs to be changing her and for me not to be doing it anymore unless I have help and to just leave it to my husband. She also told him his mo. Is basically just existing and nothing more we can do only just comfort care (she will be 90 I. June w late stage Dementia), I had been letting the dr. Know in confidence since I've been taking care of her for the past 4 + yrs what's been and has been going on. Dr. Has been very frustrated as well because I've been doing all the work taking care of my MIL I was very Thankful she had a talk with him and let him know I shouldn't have to be taking abuse from his mother and since she's an angel around him and her daughters then he can handle it from now on. My husband seems to think its funny and made a joke in fro t of the dr. I raised my hand with my brace to show the dr it wasn't funny for me the Dr. Didn't find it funny either that's when she told my husband from now on he can change her depends and clothes and baths. I just hope it lasts cause its just to much for me now.

It is better to detach. An alien has taken over your loved one!! Freaky.
Don't take it personally--Draw the Line! Come to grips with the current reality!
It is a strange phenomenon but to survive the craziness, please realize it is about a brain failing, it's not about your relationship. So sad. I'm sorry:( xo

My husband also has no concern about his personal hygiene and would never bathe or change his clothes if I didn't make him do that. It is hard to have any sexual feeling for someone who doesn't keep themselves clean or who has forgotten how to connect sexually with you. My husband is rarely interested in lovemaking any more but there was a period of time when he was when I was really turned off by the whole idea. I feel bad about this but it is hard to feel romantic about someone who is often angry (to the point of being verbally and sometimes physically abusive) and who is not interested in a basic level of hygiene. It is so sad to lose what had been an important part of our relationship for many years but I can't relate to my husband in the same way that I did before he developed dementia. Some may think this is wrong of me, but I can't help the way I feel.

Daddydaycare sounds like a wonderful person. We sure could use some!!

Thanks Daddydaycare

Amen, here too. I am 1500 miles away from my Mother and that is for the best. I am certain that she treats the help at rehab, better than she would treat me or my sister.

I commend people who are caregivers and are tolerant and have patience of people with dementia. My grandpa has dementia and he is often hostile, abusive, belligerent towards me. He doesn't want to be treated like an invalid. He thinks he is independent. For a while, he tells me to go home, why am I NOT working, what am I cooking and not to prepare his meals, etc. If he sees me cooking, I will tell him and he screams at me and tells me to GO HOME, no matter what I say. To other people and family members he is a quiet and nice old man. With me, he takes down his mask and turns from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. He gets irritated and gets mad if I tell him to brush his teeth and use his mouthwash, he says he will do it but most of the time his toothbrush with toothpaste and his mouthwash will still sit there by the sink. If I tell him, motivate him and offer assistance to bathe him, he says he has done it already. We finally got his home nurse to bathe him for the first time. Caregivers, don't be ashamed or hesitate to ask for help. If you have no support from your own family to help, then ask for outside help.

Amen to all of you! My church family has been very gracious and supportive with prayers, listening and understanding. They offer what help they can, and for that I am eternally grateful. There is great comfort in prayer and these "angels on earth" have been a great source of peace for me. Keep the faith! God bless!

Hi Andrea Ann, my story is kind of similar. My Dad 78 w/Alzheimer's is very Paranoid at times. And Mom 75 w/Dementia not so paranoid, but suspicious and makes up excuses for my Dad," He just has a bad temper, he's very calm, and very smart." There's times where," I am the good Son." They really show appreciation for me. And there's times where," I am the enemy, I am the thief, I am the one who is tricking them with these pills, and taking their wallets, and purses". That is really sad, and offensive, after you do all this work, cater to their needs, then they are giving you the evil eye. But we've got to realize the small capacity of their minds, stay in peace, and appreciate the good things they do, while they are still here, on this earth with us. And God will make good things come to us. And reward us for our hard work, and all we have to put up with. I know, because I've seen good, come to me. So hang in there, stay in peace, stick with your support groups, and believe that good will come to those, who do good for others. God Bless, and take care of yourself, and your loved ones. Peace, DaddyDayCare.

If the hallucinations have just recently started....I would take her and have her checked for a UTI!!! My dad has had 2 since October, and he always starts thinking about my mother, who has passed and money and just really crazy stuff!
My heart goes to you and everyone who is going through this. As I read in one comment....this behavior is not your Mother but is the disease process! Blessings

to seven13, I am definitely a believer in God. It is very important in my life and many people in Church have supported me by prayer, meals, helping to do little chores, and big ones. My 5 daughters all live too far away to help and I am sure they are glad about that. That gets them off the hook completely. They come down to visit when it is convenient for them, about twice a year. But I know they would help if they were near by. Yes my church family has been a big help.

It IS sad to hear all these stories from you brave caregivers. You are all doing the best you can, with what you have. You have our support!! Please continue to vent and share and hopefully it will help you in the short term. It is just a crime that all of us in this age group are saddled with these problems and responsibilities at the expense of our own sanity and families!!
They talk about us being the "sandwich" generation - well this is one sandwich that I really never wanted to be part of and I'm sure that none of us expected our lives to go this way!
I hope that most of you believe in God, for He is the only One who has kept me going day by day. Without that faith I don't know where I would be at this point. How many of you, like myself, are doing this without the support of the other parent, your own spouse, or your siblings? And how many of you are being judged and criticized by the self-righteous in your family or community for giving up a major part of your lives to caregiving? I, for one, am so tired of hearing what I should and shouldn't be doing, by people who have no right putting in their two cents' worth when they do not walk in my shoes!!

to scared, Yes I have to get up during the night and steal his clothes to put them in the hamper. Or he would wear them all week. Last week he put on an old pair of corduroys that had no nap on the thighs or knees. I said take those off I'm throwing them away. I did throw them away and he retrieved them out of the trash can! LOL I had to laugh. But it is embarrassing to be seen with him when his clothes are filthy. And he does get mad when I tell him the clothes are dirty. It is so sad. But we go on as we have to. I am glad to hear from one person who is in the same boat as I am.

Oh yeah, wamnane. My husband showers/shaves about once a week. If I "nag" him, he just digs in his heels and won't do it. He is physically capable; just takes him a while. He would rather sit in the recliner and eat carmels. He doesn't clean his teeth either. Our intimate relationship died years ago, but once in a while he gets amorous. I, too, am put off by this person who is no longer the man I married. I don't think that is wrong. It isn't good or bad. It just is what it is. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't tolerate being with a dirty person. He doesn't change his clothes, including undergarments and socks, for days at a time even though I put out clean clothes for him. Much of this has been going on for about a year, but in the last 4 months it has been worse. He puts on such a good act for the doctors and anyone who might happen to call or visit. It's maddening.

Thanks for the support everyone

to balexander9 I can sympathize with you. It is my husband too of 34 years. He rarely shows any emotion because he cant talk much. He has trouble finding words that he wants to say. But every once in a while he wants to make love and then he doesn't remember how. He asks me what to do! No one has talked about this, guess it is too embarrassing. But I just pull away and roll over. He gives up easily these days. I know I'm going to be sorry about this but it turns me off making love to this crazy old man. He is not the man I married, that's for sure. Am I being selfish or just plain stupid for doing this. The other issue is cleanliness. He used to be the cleanest man on the planet, but no more. He doesn't remember how to brush his teeth so I have to walk him through every step of it. I am just feeling badly and yet I love him very much. I am afraid the I am going to be sorry for turning him down. Does anyone have any similar things going on?

to balexander9 I can sympathize with you. It is my husband too of 34 years. He rarely shows any emotion because he cant talk much. He has trouble finding words that he wants to say. But every once in a while he wants to make love and then he doesn't remember how. He asks me what to do! No one has talked about this, guess it is too embarrassing. But I just pull away and roll over. He gives up easily these days. I know I'm going to be sorry about this but it turns me off making love to this crazy old man. He is not the man I married, that's for sure. Am I being selfish or just plain stupid for doing this. The other issue is cleanliness. He used to be the cleanest man on the planet, but no more. He doesn't remember how to brush his teeth so I have to walk him through every step of it. I am just feeling badly and yet I love him very much. I am afraid the I am going to be sorry for turning him down. Does anyone have any similar things going on?

Is your husband a vet? If so, check with your local VA. There is monetary help available from them, too.

If only Medicare paid for these nice "memory care" assisted living facilities. Most of them don't even take Medicaid. While these places are about half the cost of a nursing home because they aren't skilled nursing facilities, they are still to expensive for me to afford on a full-time basis. I found a very nice memory care residence that is very homey with a maximum of 15 residents that is about a 1/2 hour drive from where we live. While he is there my husband sleeps in a private room, participates in planned activities all day long, eats his meals family style with the other residents and joining the others to watch a large screen TV before bed while sitting comfortably on easy chairs and couches. They even bring in some lovely dogs for pet therapy. (My husband loves dogs.) Instead of sending my husband to this residence for 2 months once a year, I have been sending him for long weekends of 4-5 days once a month. This way I always have something to look forward to. I really wish Medicare (or even Medicaid which our lawyer is working on getting for my husband) paid for this place because I would have him live there full time if that were the case. That way I could have short visits but would still being able to have my husband at home for major holidays and family occasions.

Sometimes I wonder why we should have to deal with this at all. We are not trained medical professionals, but no one seems to want to deal with these people whom we love but can't help unless you have a lot of money and can put them in some fancy "facility" and just visit. So much money is spent foolishly on so many things and in foreign countries, but we don't take care of our own. I just don't understand it. My husband is just in the beginning stages of all that is described here. I can barely deal with it now; what's going to happen when he starts to exhibit the behaviors described here and else where on this site? Now do you understand why my screen name is Scared?

I am sorry you (or any of us) are going through that. It is hurtful and can rip ones heart out. I have been crying here this am for the same reason. Different accusations, but just as hurtful. My mom will sit and whisper to my dad when she thinks we can't hear, telling him horrible things about me and what I have supposedly done.... The worst is he believes her. Consoles her. ???? I have given up 2 1/2 years of my LIFE to live here and care for them 24 hours a day.... and this is the thanks we get??

Hang in there. Know you are not alone and that others can relate to your pain. I know how devastating it can be.

Since they can't say it, we need to say it for each other!! Thank you for all you have done to help her. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Thank you for being a good daughter! Thank you for being you. Thank you for all those unseen and selfless things you do without even thinking about it anymore. Thank you.

Marie8888 I just want to say I admire you for taking care of yourself and your son.... Caregiving is NOT easy. I have done it in my family with my grandparents and my Father... Now I am my Mother's primary caregiver. She does not live with us she is in independant senior housing and I do her meds and shopping. I am not sure where you live of course but in Iowa we have some programs to help folks with the cost of Assisted Living... I would also encourage you to think about regular respite care if indeed you bring Mom back home. take care and remember to take care of you too!!!

My dad was such a sweet natured man. Even with dementia he stayed sweet except with my mom. He fought her every step of the way. It puzzled me that when he was well, he told me so many times how much he loved my mother. So when I witnessed his behavior I was horrified. Then I saw how she sometimes treated my father badly. Last year my aunt, his sister, eluded to the fact that dad had confided in her that he wasn't happy with my mom's behavior many times during their marriage. We feel dad acted out on those feelings once he became ill and went back in time. He must've got fed up because one night he threw his wedding ring in the trash. Of course dad wasn't ever going to tell me he had problems in his marriage, it wasn't my business and it wasn't his style to share those type of things.
I think sometimes, but of course not always, dementia brings out old feelings and they are acted upon, which i believe happened to my dad. I never thought my dad's mind was "gone". It just appeared to me that his mind was locked up. He bristled at my mother's touch or words but always smiled and felt content with me. All I know is dementia is one of the cruelest diseases and it breaks my heart to hear the word.

Good morning everyone, I have been going thru the same thing only I'm just the DIL who has been elected to take care of my MIL for the past 4+ yrs, this last year she has beco e so physically abusive to me and my husband thinks its funny because she NEVER does it to him nor her daughters. I've been keeping her Dr. Up to date on what she does. My MIL will be 90 in June with vascular dementia she's a maximum assist, cannot walk and can barely talk but boy is she strong! So I emailed her Dr and told her its just to much for me to bathe and chg my MIL because of her combativeness and can't explain to my husband cause he always makes excuses. Her Dr. Knows how long and how hard I work for my MIL without help from the SILs. So Dr. Told my husband he needs to change my MIL from now on for me not to be doing it anymore. He needs to deal with his mother from now on. Thank god! It had to come from someone professional instead of me in order for him to understand. Dr. Said my MIL is basically just existing and the only thing we could do is just comfort care. So I'm no longer going to struggle with my MIL and start taking are of myself. I've since these years developed major health issues. My husband will soon find out what I have been going thru on a daily basis. We have a caregiver in the a but after she leaves my MIL changing will have to wait until my husband gets home from work (2 1/2 hrs). It was a big relief that her ADR. Backed me up. She knows what I've been thru with this family, none really want to get involved on a regular basis with her care. And my husband won't ask for help so its his problem now. We shall see.
Have a good day all!

Mine doesn't even have dementia -- and you should hear the things she says to me!! Nothing has changed now that she's older - always been this way. I've learned to turn a deaf ear and then she doesn't get the reaction she wants!
But with a dementia patient it is different so the strategy changes, divert them, distract them, change the subject and don't take it personally. I know how hard that is to do, believe me!

My father became beligerant to the my husband who had been like a son to him. We did not realize that it was dementia at the time. As I look back, we should have known as it was so out of character for him. As it progressed and continued until he had to go to assisted living. There he actually did well as he was not presented with series of events that he had at home. He loved me until he passed away at 93

First let me say, no one can understand what it is like to be in this situation unless you've lived it. My Mom has lived with me for 7 years. She also has dementia and parkinson's. She gets really nasty and says terrible things to me!! Not only with me but my son (24 yrs old) who has Autism. she tells me, "I know you want me DEAD". "You hate me". And worse. She often refuses to take her meds. I have to drag her into the shower each week, with her crying and complaining. She hates everything I do for her....it's just not good enough. I buy her anything and everything she wants...nothing is right and wants me to send it back. She constantly tells me what to do, how to dress and questions everything I do! Where are you going? why? When will you be back? I'm 64 yrs old, for God's sake! By the way, I work full time in a stressful job. Every morning she constantly talks about death and dying. I don't want to live anymore, I want to die, yada, yada, yada. I'm trying to wake up to get ready for work. My son is already suffers from depression. We don't need to hear this every single day. Well, I decided that we needed a break from her. I found an assisted living place that has a memory loss unit. I admitted her there for 2 months. She was really mad at me for doing this. But she is doing really well. They stress social activities, for example all meals must be taken in the dining room. She is very pleasant with everyone there. Of course when I visit her she's not so nice to me. She now takes her meds and has physical therapy! So she is walking much better. I think this was good for all concerned. It's been 2 weeks and I feel like a different person! People I work with noticed a change in me. My son is ALOT happier. We really needed a break. I want to do this again next year for a month or two. I wish I could afford to keep her there. However, when she comes home she will be going there several times a week for adult day care. Bottom line is when you feel stressed you need to get away from the situation. Just know you're not alone in this. Take good care of yourself.

My mom says some mean things to me, also. At first I found it hurtful. I don't any longer. I mentally stood back and looked at the episodes. I realized Mom can't help what she is. She doesn't think she's being hurtful. Once she calms down, she forgets having said those things. The brain is a complicated organ.

For me, walking away is the only solution. I found the more I attempted to calm her down, the more agitated she became. People suffering from dementia lose whatever common sense they once had.