Why do the ones we care for turn on us?

AndreaAnn, I feel for you because I am in the same doghouse as you tonight. Most people would probably be horrified if they knew what we went through at times. The accusation that you were having relations with you father are terrible, and I know they hurt and frightened you. Living on the defense is a terrible way to live. I wish I had some good advice for you. Do you have any idea what the best thing for you would be? I don't know if your mother is like this all the time or if it is just occasional. Tonight was very bad for you. I think you did the best thing you could in just getting away from her.

I was told it's the disease and not your mother. My mother has dementia and is in a nursing home but when I visit she treats me differently than the people who care for her there. She is very mean and nasty towards me. I was told to leave too when she gets like this. Also change the subject matter, start doing
something else to distract the behavior. You see your mother but it's not the mother you used to know. Good luck to both of us.

I can fully appreciate how totally devastated you must feel. What a horrible, gutting accusation to hurl at you, and it most certainly leaves you feeling powerless and frightened. I have had my horror experiences and know that others have gone through these kind of things, that helps me somehow. The best thing is to distract her and move away from her for a bit. This is a learning experience, we aren't taught how to care for someone we love that has this disease, we learn by trial and error, it is hard to see the person who took care of us become the person we must take care of, role reversal is a psychological trip in of itself. First don't beat up on yourself, throw any guilt in the bin and take care of yourself first and foremost. It hurts a lot till you find a way to deal with it, then it is something you can take in stride when you find what works for you and her. I know I have found many of my mother's demons and had to struggle with them to free us both, this is an ongoing journey.

I think this is the hardest part of taking care of someone with dementia. Not only do you lose the person you love, but now are caring for someone who is often mean and very hurtful to you. The advice everyone is giving you is good: walk away for a bit if you can and then try to change the subject when you come back, etc. My husband often completely forgets what happened within a short period of time and then acts very affectionate. It is hard for me because, of course, I haven't forgotten. Sometimes I involuntarily flinch when he reaches out to me. I try to suppress this reflexive behavior and act as though I too do not remember what happened just a short time ago but it isn't easy. I spend a lot of time crying but try to distract myself by getting into an interesting novel or a movie so that I can focus on something other than how hurt I feel. This experiencing of caring for my husband of over 30 years is the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life (and I have had to deal with some very difficult things). If possible, try to get away and do things that you enjoy with support friends. If not, even the book or TV break helps a little.

Apologies for all the typos in my message above. Hopefully you can still understand what I wrote.

My mother also went through a terrible period of craziness. She thought so many things I wont list them, but she ended up locking herself in her room thinking different family members were going to kill her & she would refuse to talk to some of us saying we were dead or something else. We got her to hospital & they put her on anti -psychotic drug & it helped for almost 6 years. We had to call an ambulance & force her into hospital though. I had her medical power of attoney & was able to do this with support from family. She remembers some of it. She says she "woke " up after starting the meds. We call it her crazy time. After almost 6 years it started again. Trying new medication & it seems to help. I am praying for you. It is hard.

AndreaAnna The things that are going on for everyone here, are just simply put horrible. Our parent is losing sometimes in little bits, then other times in leaps and bounds. How the heck are we suppose to know how to handle ourselves in this situation. This is truely a learn as we go. I am so sad you have to go thru all of this. I too face some really hurtful situations. I too remove myself from the room. Then I write in my "Mom" journal. I can vent there, as I do here. I am sad to watch this woman who gave me life is slowly going away. I see a therapist. If your budget will allow I would suggest you go. I found out alot about myself and my birth family. These people are very "toxic" to me, but I made this commitment to care for my mother, but ultimately we family member caregivers need to take care ourselves first. This is not selfish, this is called surviving the demons that belong to our parents. My mother is very angry she got old and she out lived her body and she takes this out on us. I have to walk away from her on her "bad" days. I care about what happens to her, but I am not here for her to verbally beat up on me because she can not control the aging process. I pray I will embrace my aging with a smile and a sense of comic relief when it is my turn. You are in my prayers for peace.

So sorry that you are having to endure this hurtful and demeaning behaviour!
This may be obvious, but have you spoken to her doctor? It seems that a lot of these doctors put them on the same regimen of pills for years without any review of them whatsoever - and if your mother sees a doctor on her own she will not be able to run down the list of them nor tell him/her how they are affecting her.
Maybe it's a good time for a review with the doctor and you and your mother to see if any of her medications are causing this frightening and adverse behaviour?

My mom says some mean things to me, also. At first I found it hurtful. I don't any longer. I mentally stood back and looked at the episodes. I realized Mom can't help what she is. She doesn't think she's being hurtful. Once she calms down, she forgets having said those things. The brain is a complicated organ.

For me, walking away is the only solution. I found the more I attempted to calm her down, the more agitated she became. People suffering from dementia lose whatever common sense they once had.

First let me say, no one can understand what it is like to be in this situation unless you've lived it. My Mom has lived with me for 7 years. She also has dementia and parkinson's. She gets really nasty and says terrible things to me!! Not only with me but my son (24 yrs old) who has Autism. she tells me, "I know you want me DEAD". "You hate me". And worse. She often refuses to take her meds. I have to drag her into the shower each week, with her crying and complaining. She hates everything I do for her....it's just not good enough. I buy her anything and everything she wants...nothing is right and wants me to send it back. She constantly tells me what to do, how to dress and questions everything I do! Where are you going? why? When will you be back? I'm 64 yrs old, for God's sake! By the way, I work full time in a stressful job. Every morning she constantly talks about death and dying. I don't want to live anymore, I want to die, yada, yada, yada. I'm trying to wake up to get ready for work. My son is already suffers from depression. We don't need to hear this every single day. Well, I decided that we needed a break from her. I found an assisted living place that has a memory loss unit. I admitted her there for 2 months. She was really mad at me for doing this. But she is doing really well. They stress social activities, for example all meals must be taken in the dining room. She is very pleasant with everyone there. Of course when I visit her she's not so nice to me. She now takes her meds and has physical therapy! So she is walking much better. I think this was good for all concerned. It's been 2 weeks and I feel like a different person! People I work with noticed a change in me. My son is ALOT happier. We really needed a break. I want to do this again next year for a month or two. I wish I could afford to keep her there. However, when she comes home she will be going there several times a week for adult day care. Bottom line is when you feel stressed you need to get away from the situation. Just know you're not alone in this. Take good care of yourself.

My father became beligerant to the my husband who had been like a son to him. We did not realize that it was dementia at the time. As I look back, we should have known as it was so out of character for him. As it progressed and continued until he had to go to assisted living. There he actually did well as he was not presented with series of events that he had at home. He loved me until he passed away at 93

Mine doesn't even have dementia -- and you should hear the things she says to me!! Nothing has changed now that she's older - always been this way. I've learned to turn a deaf ear and then she doesn't get the reaction she wants!
But with a dementia patient it is different so the strategy changes, divert them, distract them, change the subject and don't take it personally. I know how hard that is to do, believe me!

Good morning everyone, I have been going thru the same thing only I'm just the DIL who has been elected to take care of my MIL for the past 4+ yrs, this last year she has beco e so physically abusive to me and my husband thinks its funny because she NEVER does it to him nor her daughters. I've been keeping her Dr. Up to date on what she does. My MIL will be 90 in June with vascular dementia she's a maximum assist, cannot walk and can barely talk but boy is she strong! So I emailed her Dr and told her its just to much for me to bathe and chg my MIL because of her combativeness and can't explain to my husband cause he always makes excuses. Her Dr. Knows how long and how hard I work for my MIL without help from the SILs. So Dr. Told my husband he needs to change my MIL from now on for me not to be doing it anymore. He needs to deal with his mother from now on. Thank god! It had to come from someone professional instead of me in order for him to understand. Dr. Said my MIL is basically just existing and the only thing we could do is just comfort care. So I'm no longer going to struggle with my MIL and start taking are of myself. I've since these years developed major health issues. My husband will soon find out what I have been going thru on a daily basis. We have a caregiver in the a but after she leaves my MIL changing will have to wait until my husband gets home from work (2 1/2 hrs). It was a big relief that her ADR. Backed me up. She knows what I've been thru with this family, none really want to get involved on a regular basis with her care. And my husband won't ask for help so its his problem now. We shall see.
Have a good day all!

My dad was such a sweet natured man. Even with dementia he stayed sweet except with my mom. He fought her every step of the way. It puzzled me that when he was well, he told me so many times how much he loved my mother. So when I witnessed his behavior I was horrified. Then I saw how she sometimes treated my father badly. Last year my aunt, his sister, eluded to the fact that dad had confided in her that he wasn't happy with my mom's behavior many times during their marriage. We feel dad acted out on those feelings once he became ill and went back in time. He must've got fed up because one night he threw his wedding ring in the trash. Of course dad wasn't ever going to tell me he had problems in his marriage, it wasn't my business and it wasn't his style to share those type of things.
I think sometimes, but of course not always, dementia brings out old feelings and they are acted upon, which i believe happened to my dad. I never thought my dad's mind was "gone". It just appeared to me that his mind was locked up. He bristled at my mother's touch or words but always smiled and felt content with me. All I know is dementia is one of the cruelest diseases and it breaks my heart to hear the word.

Marie8888 I just want to say I admire you for taking care of yourself and your son.... Caregiving is NOT easy. I have done it in my family with my grandparents and my Father... Now I am my Mother's primary caregiver. She does not live with us she is in independant senior housing and I do her meds and shopping. I am not sure where you live of course but in Iowa we have some programs to help folks with the cost of Assisted Living... I would also encourage you to think about regular respite care if indeed you bring Mom back home. take care and remember to take care of you too!!!

I am sorry you (or any of us) are going through that. It is hurtful and can rip ones heart out. I have been crying here this am for the same reason. Different accusations, but just as hurtful. My mom will sit and whisper to my dad when she thinks we can't hear, telling him horrible things about me and what I have supposedly done.... The worst is he believes her. Consoles her. ???? I have given up 2 1/2 years of my LIFE to live here and care for them 24 hours a day.... and this is the thanks we get??

Hang in there. Know you are not alone and that others can relate to your pain. I know how devastating it can be.

Since they can't say it, we need to say it for each other!! Thank you for all you have done to help her. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Thank you for being a good daughter! Thank you for being you. Thank you for all those unseen and selfless things you do without even thinking about it anymore. Thank you.

Sometimes I wonder why we should have to deal with this at all. We are not trained medical professionals, but no one seems to want to deal with these people whom we love but can't help unless you have a lot of money and can put them in some fancy "facility" and just visit. So much money is spent foolishly on so many things and in foreign countries, but we don't take care of our own. I just don't understand it. My husband is just in the beginning stages of all that is described here. I can barely deal with it now; what's going to happen when he starts to exhibit the behaviors described here and else where on this site? Now do you understand why my screen name is Scared?

If only Medicare paid for these nice "memory care" assisted living facilities. Most of them don't even take Medicaid. While these places are about half the cost of a nursing home because they aren't skilled nursing facilities, they are still to expensive for me to afford on a full-time basis. I found a very nice memory care residence that is very homey with a maximum of 15 residents that is about a 1/2 hour drive from where we live. While he is there my husband sleeps in a private room, participates in planned activities all day long, eats his meals family style with the other residents and joining the others to watch a large screen TV before bed while sitting comfortably on easy chairs and couches. They even bring in some lovely dogs for pet therapy. (My husband loves dogs.) Instead of sending my husband to this residence for 2 months once a year, I have been sending him for long weekends of 4-5 days once a month. This way I always have something to look forward to. I really wish Medicare (or even Medicaid which our lawyer is working on getting for my husband) paid for this place because I would have him live there full time if that were the case. That way I could have short visits but would still being able to have my husband at home for major holidays and family occasions.

Is your husband a vet? If so, check with your local VA. There is monetary help available from them, too.

to balexander9 I can sympathize with you. It is my husband too of 34 years. He rarely shows any emotion because he cant talk much. He has trouble finding words that he wants to say. But every once in a while he wants to make love and then he doesn't remember how. He asks me what to do! No one has talked about this, guess it is too embarrassing. But I just pull away and roll over. He gives up easily these days. I know I'm going to be sorry about this but it turns me off making love to this crazy old man. He is not the man I married, that's for sure. Am I being selfish or just plain stupid for doing this. The other issue is cleanliness. He used to be the cleanest man on the planet, but no more. He doesn't remember how to brush his teeth so I have to walk him through every step of it. I am just feeling badly and yet I love him very much. I am afraid the I am going to be sorry for turning him down. Does anyone have any similar things going on?

to balexander9 I can sympathize with you. It is my husband too of 34 years. He rarely shows any emotion because he cant talk much. He has trouble finding words that he wants to say. But every once in a while he wants to make love and then he doesn't remember how. He asks me what to do! No one has talked about this, guess it is too embarrassing. But I just pull away and roll over. He gives up easily these days. I know I'm going to be sorry about this but it turns me off making love to this crazy old man. He is not the man I married, that's for sure. Am I being selfish or just plain stupid for doing this. The other issue is cleanliness. He used to be the cleanest man on the planet, but no more. He doesn't remember how to brush his teeth so I have to walk him through every step of it. I am just feeling badly and yet I love him very much. I am afraid the I am going to be sorry for turning him down. Does anyone have any similar things going on?

Thanks for the support everyone

Oh yeah, wamnane. My husband showers/shaves about once a week. If I "nag" him, he just digs in his heels and won't do it. He is physically capable; just takes him a while. He would rather sit in the recliner and eat carmels. He doesn't clean his teeth either. Our intimate relationship died years ago, but once in a while he gets amorous. I, too, am put off by this person who is no longer the man I married. I don't think that is wrong. It isn't good or bad. It just is what it is. Maybe I'm wrong, but I can't tolerate being with a dirty person. He doesn't change his clothes, including undergarments and socks, for days at a time even though I put out clean clothes for him. Much of this has been going on for about a year, but in the last 4 months it has been worse. He puts on such a good act for the doctors and anyone who might happen to call or visit. It's maddening.

to scared, Yes I have to get up during the night and steal his clothes to put them in the hamper. Or he would wear them all week. Last week he put on an old pair of corduroys that had no nap on the thighs or knees. I said take those off I'm throwing them away. I did throw them away and he retrieved them out of the trash can! LOL I had to laugh. But it is embarrassing to be seen with him when his clothes are filthy. And he does get mad when I tell him the clothes are dirty. It is so sad. But we go on as we have to. I am glad to hear from one person who is in the same boat as I am.

It IS sad to hear all these stories from you brave caregivers. You are all doing the best you can, with what you have. You have our support!! Please continue to vent and share and hopefully it will help you in the short term. It is just a crime that all of us in this age group are saddled with these problems and responsibilities at the expense of our own sanity and families!!
They talk about us being the "sandwich" generation - well this is one sandwich that I really never wanted to be part of and I'm sure that none of us expected our lives to go this way!
I hope that most of you believe in God, for He is the only One who has kept me going day by day. Without that faith I don't know where I would be at this point. How many of you, like myself, are doing this without the support of the other parent, your own spouse, or your siblings? And how many of you are being judged and criticized by the self-righteous in your family or community for giving up a major part of your lives to caregiving? I, for one, am so tired of hearing what I should and shouldn't be doing, by people who have no right putting in their two cents' worth when they do not walk in my shoes!!

to seven13, I am definitely a believer in God. It is very important in my life and many people in Church have supported me by prayer, meals, helping to do little chores, and big ones. My 5 daughters all live too far away to help and I am sure they are glad about that. That gets them off the hook completely. They come down to visit when it is convenient for them, about twice a year. But I know they would help if they were near by. Yes my church family has been a big help.

If the hallucinations have just recently started....I would take her and have her checked for a UTI!!! My dad has had 2 since October, and he always starts thinking about my mother, who has passed and money and just really crazy stuff!
My heart goes to you and everyone who is going through this. As I read in one comment....this behavior is not your Mother but is the disease process! Blessings

Hi Andrea Ann, my story is kind of similar. My Dad 78 w/Alzheimer's is very Paranoid at times. And Mom 75 w/Dementia not so paranoid, but suspicious and makes up excuses for my Dad," He just has a bad temper, he's very calm, and very smart." There's times where," I am the good Son." They really show appreciation for me. And there's times where," I am the enemy, I am the thief, I am the one who is tricking them with these pills, and taking their wallets, and purses". That is really sad, and offensive, after you do all this work, cater to their needs, then they are giving you the evil eye. But we've got to realize the small capacity of their minds, stay in peace, and appreciate the good things they do, while they are still here, on this earth with us. And God will make good things come to us. And reward us for our hard work, and all we have to put up with. I know, because I've seen good, come to me. So hang in there, stay in peace, stick with your support groups, and believe that good will come to those, who do good for others. God Bless, and take care of yourself, and your loved ones. Peace, DaddyDayCare.

Amen to all of you! My church family has been very gracious and supportive with prayers, listening and understanding. They offer what help they can, and for that I am eternally grateful. There is great comfort in prayer and these "angels on earth" have been a great source of peace for me. Keep the faith! God bless!

I commend people who are caregivers and are tolerant and have patience of people with dementia. My grandpa has dementia and he is often hostile, abusive, belligerent towards me. He doesn't want to be treated like an invalid. He thinks he is independent. For a while, he tells me to go home, why am I NOT working, what am I cooking and not to prepare his meals, etc. If he sees me cooking, I will tell him and he screams at me and tells me to GO HOME, no matter what I say. To other people and family members he is a quiet and nice old man. With me, he takes down his mask and turns from Dr. Jekyll to Mr. Hyde. He gets irritated and gets mad if I tell him to brush his teeth and use his mouthwash, he says he will do it but most of the time his toothbrush with toothpaste and his mouthwash will still sit there by the sink. If I tell him, motivate him and offer assistance to bathe him, he says he has done it already. We finally got his home nurse to bathe him for the first time. Caregivers, don't be ashamed or hesitate to ask for help. If you have no support from your own family to help, then ask for outside help.