Follow
Share

My mom is suffering with parkinsons related dementia. She has major hallucinations. Tonight we were watching tv together and she suddenly came towards me very agitated. She thought I was having relations with my dad (he is deceased). I couldn't calm her down so I left the room. She also thinks I'm stealing from her. I have to say it really makes it harder when the person you are caring for full time is not happy with you.

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
AndreaAnn, I feel for you because I am in the same doghouse as you tonight. Most people would probably be horrified if they knew what we went through at times. The accusation that you were having relations with you father are terrible, and I know they hurt and frightened you. Living on the defense is a terrible way to live. I wish I had some good advice for you. Do you have any idea what the best thing for you would be? I don't know if your mother is like this all the time or if it is just occasional. Tonight was very bad for you. I think you did the best thing you could in just getting away from her.
Helpful Answer (9)
Report

I think this is the hardest part of taking care of someone with dementia. Not only do you lose the person you love, but now are caring for someone who is often mean and very hurtful to you. The advice everyone is giving you is good: walk away for a bit if you can and then try to change the subject when you come back, etc. My husband often completely forgets what happened within a short period of time and then acts very affectionate. It is hard for me because, of course, I haven't forgotten. Sometimes I involuntarily flinch when he reaches out to me. I try to suppress this reflexive behavior and act as though I too do not remember what happened just a short time ago but it isn't easy. I spend a lot of time crying but try to distract myself by getting into an interesting novel or a movie so that I can focus on something other than how hurt I feel. This experiencing of caring for my husband of over 30 years is the hardest things I have ever had to do in my life (and I have had to deal with some very difficult things). If possible, try to get away and do things that you enjoy with support friends. If not, even the book or TV break helps a little.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I was told it's the disease and not your mother. My mother has dementia and is in a nursing home but when I visit she treats me differently than the people who care for her there. She is very mean and nasty towards me. I was told to leave too when she gets like this. Also change the subject matter, start doing
something else to distract the behavior. You see your mother but it's not the mother you used to know. Good luck to both of us.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I am sorry you (or any of us) are going through that. It is hurtful and can rip ones heart out. I have been crying here this am for the same reason. Different accusations, but just as hurtful. My mom will sit and whisper to my dad when she thinks we can't hear, telling him horrible things about me and what I have supposedly done.... The worst is he believes her. Consoles her. ???? I have given up 2 1/2 years of my LIFE to live here and care for them 24 hours a day.... and this is the thanks we get??

Hang in there. Know you are not alone and that others can relate to your pain. I know how devastating it can be.

Since they can't say it, we need to say it for each other!! Thank you for all you have done to help her. Thank you for caring. Thank you for your hard work and dedication. Thank you for being a good daughter! Thank you for being you. Thank you for all those unseen and selfless things you do without even thinking about it anymore. Thank you.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I can fully appreciate how totally devastated you must feel. What a horrible, gutting accusation to hurl at you, and it most certainly leaves you feeling powerless and frightened. I have had my horror experiences and know that others have gone through these kind of things, that helps me somehow. The best thing is to distract her and move away from her for a bit. This is a learning experience, we aren't taught how to care for someone we love that has this disease, we learn by trial and error, it is hard to see the person who took care of us become the person we must take care of, role reversal is a psychological trip in of itself. First don't beat up on yourself, throw any guilt in the bin and take care of yourself first and foremost. It hurts a lot till you find a way to deal with it, then it is something you can take in stride when you find what works for you and her. I know I have found many of my mother's demons and had to struggle with them to free us both, this is an ongoing journey.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My mother also went through a terrible period of craziness. She thought so many things I wont list them, but she ended up locking herself in her room thinking different family members were going to kill her & she would refuse to talk to some of us saying we were dead or something else. We got her to hospital & they put her on anti -psychotic drug & it helped for almost 6 years. We had to call an ambulance & force her into hospital though. I had her medical power of attoney & was able to do this with support from family. She remembers some of it. She says she "woke " up after starting the meds. We call it her crazy time. After almost 6 years it started again. Trying new medication & it seems to help. I am praying for you. It is hard.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

AndreaAnna The things that are going on for everyone here, are just simply put horrible. Our parent is losing sometimes in little bits, then other times in leaps and bounds. How the heck are we suppose to know how to handle ourselves in this situation. This is truely a learn as we go. I am so sad you have to go thru all of this. I too face some really hurtful situations. I too remove myself from the room. Then I write in my "Mom" journal. I can vent there, as I do here. I am sad to watch this woman who gave me life is slowly going away. I see a therapist. If your budget will allow I would suggest you go. I found out alot about myself and my birth family. These people are very "toxic" to me, but I made this commitment to care for my mother, but ultimately we family member caregivers need to take care ourselves first. This is not selfish, this is called surviving the demons that belong to our parents. My mother is very angry she got old and she out lived her body and she takes this out on us. I have to walk away from her on her "bad" days. I care about what happens to her, but I am not here for her to verbally beat up on me because she can not control the aging process. I pray I will embrace my aging with a smile and a sense of comic relief when it is my turn. You are in my prayers for peace.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

First let me say, no one can understand what it is like to be in this situation unless you've lived it. My Mom has lived with me for 7 years. She also has dementia and parkinson's. She gets really nasty and says terrible things to me!! Not only with me but my son (24 yrs old) who has Autism. she tells me, "I know you want me DEAD". "You hate me". And worse. She often refuses to take her meds. I have to drag her into the shower each week, with her crying and complaining. She hates everything I do for her....it's just not good enough. I buy her anything and everything she wants...nothing is right and wants me to send it back. She constantly tells me what to do, how to dress and questions everything I do! Where are you going? why? When will you be back? I'm 64 yrs old, for God's sake! By the way, I work full time in a stressful job. Every morning she constantly talks about death and dying. I don't want to live anymore, I want to die, yada, yada, yada. I'm trying to wake up to get ready for work. My son is already suffers from depression. We don't need to hear this every single day. Well, I decided that we needed a break from her. I found an assisted living place that has a memory loss unit. I admitted her there for 2 months. She was really mad at me for doing this. But she is doing really well. They stress social activities, for example all meals must be taken in the dining room. She is very pleasant with everyone there. Of course when I visit her she's not so nice to me. She now takes her meds and has physical therapy! So she is walking much better. I think this was good for all concerned. It's been 2 weeks and I feel like a different person! People I work with noticed a change in me. My son is ALOT happier. We really needed a break. I want to do this again next year for a month or two. I wish I could afford to keep her there. However, when she comes home she will be going there several times a week for adult day care. Bottom line is when you feel stressed you need to get away from the situation. Just know you're not alone in this. Take good care of yourself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

It is better to detach. An alien has taken over your loved one!! Freaky.
Don't take it personally--Draw the Line! Come to grips with the current reality!
It is a strange phenomenon but to survive the craziness, please realize it is about a brain failing, it's not about your relationship. So sad. I'm sorry:( xo
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

My mom says some mean things to me, also. At first I found it hurtful. I don't any longer. I mentally stood back and looked at the episodes. I realized Mom can't help what she is. She doesn't think she's being hurtful. Once she calms down, she forgets having said those things. The brain is a complicated organ.

For me, walking away is the only solution. I found the more I attempted to calm her down, the more agitated she became. People suffering from dementia lose whatever common sense they once had.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

See All Answers
This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.