If they have the money to pay and they say they don't want to be a burden? My mom wants to live with me. She has the money for assisted living but refuses. She wants to leave the money to her children but won't use any of he money to help pay for her care. Some people have said she doesn't want to go to assisted living because she would lose her independence but she will lose that if she lives with me. She will be dependent on me. That's not independent. She doesn't have any significant health issues. She is still mobile without any canes or walkers. When she comes to stay with me she refuses to do anything for herself. Even bathing herself, combing her hair and taking her meds. She does these things for herself in her home but when she visits me she hands me the comb and says "comb my hair for me". I am going trying to decide whether to take her into our home. My husband does not want to. I feel obligated but I don't think I am ready for this level of care. Any advice would be appreciated. Especially from any seniors out there.
The way your mother acts when she's visiting you is a very bad sign of how she would act if she lived with you. My mother was the same way when she visited us as a guest - she expected to be waited on hand and foot. She combed her own hair and took her own meds - even my Mom is not that much of a princess. But lift a dishtowel? Help with a meal? Chip in for expenses? Forget about it.
The issue isn't really independence. It's control. Yes, she would be dependent on you if she lived with you, but she doesn't see it that way. She would be in complete control of you. In assisted living, they are not going to organize every detail of every day, including activities, outings, meals, etc. according to her whims and preferences, but she will expect that of you if she lives in your home. That's why she wants to be there instead of assisted living.
Her refusal to pay for help when she can afford it is another huge red flag. Saying that's what family is for -yikes! What she's saying is that she views you as a beast of burden, as someone whose rightful place in the world is as an unpaid servant to her every wish and whim. The thought of bringing someone with that attitude into my house - forget about it.
And then there's your husband. Of course he doesn't want her moving in - he wants your primary focus to be on him, not your mother. His needs have to be considered too - it's his home after all. Please don't feel that you have to bring your mother into your home. It will wreck your marriage and your life.
If you're troubled by the fact that she won't even comb her own hair or bathe herself, or take her meds when she's just visiting try to imagine how needy she'll become if she moves in. Her "level of care" now is nothing compared to what it will become in the near future. I would caution you against moving her in and work on convincing her to move into an assisted living facility. Tour a couple of places and then go and have a nice lunch out with your mom to discuss it.
Why does she need to go to Assisted Living? What is it she can't do at home for herself? If she's still in good health, look into Independent Living facilities. These are senior residential places, often with several meals a day provided. No loss of independence.
"Mom, I don't think that us living together is a good idea at all. If you are going to keep your skills, you need to be in a place where you can do things for yourself. I'm afraid if you lived here, we'd end up taking your independence away"
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