Why do aging parents fight against assisted living?

My mom wants to live with me. JUST SAY NO ...
.... going trying to decide whether to take her into your home .... Not without a written contract for expenses and long term care etc. You have NO IDEA what would follow.

If you don't feel as if you're able to care for your mom now, when she has no real medical issues, don't invite her into your home to live because she's not getting any younger and her level of care will only increase as days and months go by.

If you're troubled by the fact that she won't even comb her own hair or bathe herself, or take her meds when she's just visiting try to imagine how needy she'll become if she moves in. Her "level of care" now is nothing compared to what it will become in the near future. I would caution you against moving her in and work on convincing her to move into an assisted living facility. Tour a couple of places and then go and have a nice lunch out with your mom to discuss it.

Um, it sounds as though your mom may have a significant mental health problem if she is acting this way. And, much as I'm sure you love her, your marriage and your sanity come first. So, no to mom moving in.

Why does she need to go to Assisted Living? What is it she can't do at home for herself? If she's still in good health, look into Independent Living facilities. These are senior residential places, often with several meals a day provided. No loss of independence.

"Mom, I don't think that us living together is a good idea at all. If you are going to keep your skills, you need to be in a place where you can do things for yourself. I'm afraid if you lived here, we'd end up taking your independence away"

We just had to move mom from AL to a NH. Of course mom didn't want to move to a NH - who would? While my brother and I were looking for the right NH mom was doing her damnedest to get one of us to move her into our home. With me it never would have been an option as we only have two bedrooms on the main floor - one for hubby and me, the other for our seriously disabled son. She said she'd live in the finished basement - lol - with me running up and down multiple times a day waiting on her hand and foot as she could never manage the stairs. Now, brother has a home that logistically would work and he is retired with no kids left at home so he was actually considering it. Then he happened to be visiting her at AL one day - and mom had a poop accident. We had hired a full time care giver in AL as that was the only way they'd let her stay (hence the needed move to a NH) anyhooo - he saw what it took to get her into the bathroom (an ordeal in itself) and what it took to get her clean and changed... That was the end of mom moving in with him. Moral of my story? Really, really stop and consider what it would take to have your mom at home 24/7. Rip this bandaid of quickly - pulling it off slowly will only prolong the pain.

I think the answer is very simple. Your husband does not want to do it. You do not want to do it. So the answer is no. Your mother is probably just nervous about her future in an unknown place around people she doesn't know. Maybe you can find a facility that has people she knows already. If your mother is sociable, she should make friends fast if the right facility is chosen. In a few months she could love her new place. It would probably be a lot more fun for everyone than living with you.

onetoughcookie, I remember handing my parents a beautiful brochure for independent living which looked like a 5-star hotel, a huge vary of different size apartments some 2,000 sqft large... they poured over the brochure and later in the week said the brochure looks nice, maybe in a couple of years.... HELLO, a couple of years? They were 92 and 96 at that time.

My parents never asked me if they could live with me, and if they did I would use the excuse I am too old to be their caregivers. And if they argued that fact, I would ask them how many times have they see a Nurse/Aide at the hospital who was in her late 60's? Very very rarely, and there is a reason why, we just don't have that kind of energy to do all the work that is involved. And at home I couldn't hit any emergency alarm to bring in other nurses/aids/orderlies to help me. And as they got older and they were declining, well, so was I.

I even told my parents they would have MORE control and MORE freedom being in independent living. They still dug in their heels.

Onetoughcookie, I would read the posts on this site about all of the hell that family members who provide around the clock care for seniors or disabled people in their homes go through. It's a thankless job that will overwhelm you in short order. If you don't like to sleep, it might work well. It's also high stress and physically demanding. If you mind combing her hair, then what about toileting, bathing, feeding, etc. That would likely, eventually happen.

I would explain to her that it's not something that would be in her best interest and you want her to have the best care. Perhaps you could explore other options and compare the costs with her. (In home care vs. assisted living.) If she sees around the clock inhome care, she might reconsider assisted living.

I would take note that when seniors make odd decisions and have odd behavior, it could be early dementia signs.

Before we knew my cousin had dementia, she would request that things be done for her for no apparent reason. She wanted to be bathed, when she was able to bathe herself. She wanted to stay in bed and use bathroom in diapers, rather than get up to use toilet. We thought she was lazy, but no. It was dementia. She seemed okay, but her behavior was saying otherwise. I'd keep that in mind.

Thank all of you for your wise advice. I think my mom would love an independent living situation with some assistance. She lives alone now but says she is tired of cleaning and cooking and "being responsible". And I understand that. She "WILL NOT" pay for her care. That's what she has told both me and my sister. She says that is what her family is for. Don't misunderstand me, I wouldn't mind combing her hair if she couldn't do it herself. However it is entirely different when she just wants to be pampered like a princess. I am struggling with this decision. There are times when she is perfectly well behaved and I at those times I think she could fit in well with us. But most times she is uncooperative, unpleasant, and negative.

Absolutely not. The only thing worse than a parent in true distress (which your mother is not) is a parent who takes delight in gaslighting his/her adult children. Undoubtedly, you love mom and mom loves you. Now let's talk about respect, which is the key issue here. Your mother does not respect you. If her disrespect is a reasoning defect caused by mental illness, Asperger's or very early dementia, she cannot change. If her disrespect is a choice, she will not change -- aside from changing for the worse as she ages. You are looking down the barrel at possibly the most important decision you will ever make. Before you sacrfice your home life at The Altar Of Misplaced Guilt, I urge you to do the following: Gather up all your self-respect (which might be in pieces, due to the way mom treats you), and add an equal dose of the respect you have for your husband. From this position, make the choice that honors YOUR dignity and YOUR marriage and YOUR right to say "no" to toxic people.

Assisted living is expensive when you first look at it. The monthly rent sounds very high. I remember being pleasantly surprised when I looked at it for my mother. After crunching the numbers and subtracting her SS and pension, I saw that it would only cost her $500 extra each month from her savings. You might find the same thing when you start looking at the actual numbers. The problem with my mother was she wouldn't go. It will probably take an atomic blast or a severe accident to get her out of this house where she has lived for 66 years. Since your mother is willing to leave her house to live with you, look for a good place for her and get out your calculator. You may find it is more affordable than it looks. The cost for assisted living around here is $3-4K a month. That varies from one part of the country to another. It is high, but less costly than your family doing something you don't want.

And believe me, it gets worse. What sunnygirl wrote is so true. It is best to move her to a place that will work than to move her in with you, then have to move her out later.

I totally understand your sense of obligation and guilt...and panic at being manipulated into something you are not ready to do! My advice it to re-read your posts - here are the "guts" of what you need to focus on:

My husband does not want to. I feel obligated but I don't think I am ready for this level of care.
When she comes to stay with me she refuses to do anything for herself.
But most times she is uncooperative, unpleasant, and negative.

"To thine ownself be true"! Don't feel guilty! You have had some great advice here. If you are not ready....listen to your wise inner self!

If I had it to do over, I would not have taken my mother into my home 4 years ago. She would not do anything for herself except her laundry which she won't let anyone touch. Other than that she expected me to wait on her hand and foot and was pretty abusive and completely disrespectful into the bargain. About 6 months ago she went to assisted living. We were fortunate that she saw it as an opportunity to be waited on AND independent - she could have her own way all day long. We presented it to her as the opportunity to have her own apartment and maid service and a chef. This was a great decision all the way around. I would regret not getting her into one at the beginning but I think things happen for a reason so I am at peace with it. She is much happier and my husband and I can have a life again. Oh - and I can sleep. I don't have to stay awake listening to see if she has fallen in the middle of the night. She would do that and not call out. I feel no guilt. I took the best care of her I could to the detriment of my own health and life. I still take care of her finances and visit her regularly. I've always known that she is toxic but now I realize she really can't help it anymore with the Altzheimer's so I have no expectations of anything else. It is much better with her at assisted living because I don't have to be her mother/servant/emotional punching bag anymore. And it is better for her because the longer she takes care of herself the longer she will be able to. It really is best for her. Best of luck to you.

My mom is only ready to move IF she can live with me (preferably) or my sister. She will not move to independent or assisted living. She will not even talk about it. I have gently tried to begin the conversation. She outright refuses the concept. I have throws of compassion and understanding. She has times of complete reasonableness. But for the most part she is difficult to handle. At 88 she is bound to start having health crisis that I am worried will stress me out. I have been told by my own doctors that I am on the way to a health crisis of my own. If there are any professionals, ie., social workers, geriatric specialists, etc out there, please give me your professional opinion. my husband's mom was just placed in assistive living after a major health issue. He feels resentful about taking my mom when he wouldn't take his own. I was willing to have his mom but he was not. I think if I quit my job I could handle things. But that would mean loss of income and more stress.

Does anyone else have a parent that won't spend money. It has gotten to the point where my mom won't buy medicines and food if they are not cheap enough. She want's all her prescriptions to cost 3.00 or less and buys almost no groceries. But when you confront her she says it's not the money. She makes excuses like I'm not that hungry, I don't eat that much, or I don't really need that medicine. It's a vicious cycle of excuses. When she goes to the dr he says she is just stubborn and jokes with her about it. And she really pulls it together and looks reasonable for him.

onetoughcookie, here are some things to think about if one is trying to decide whether to quit work to care for an aging parent.... on average if a working person quits work he/she will lose over the years between $285,000 and $325,000 which includes not only loss of salary... it also includes the net worth loss of the health insurance coverage.... loss of money being put into social security/Medicare..... loss of other benefits such as matching 401(k).... profit sharing.... workman's comp insurance.... company sponsored life insurance.... vacation pay, sick pay.... tuition assistance, etc. [source: in part Reuters 5/30/12]

Yes, all that is true but I cannot work full time and be my mother's full time caregiver. That would kill me.

onetoughcookie, another thing that is digging in your Mom's heels about going to Assisted Living is the old stereotype of what these are like.... Mom probably thinks gloomy places with unsmiling faces. Has she ever visited one?

Some of the places offer free lunch to visitors and since your Mom pitches money [mine sure do], a free lunch would appeal to her. Don't tell her where you are going, just pop in, who knows maybe there might be someone there she remembers from the past and that might change her mind :)

I have stopped trying to figure out why my parents do and think the way they do. It used to drive me nuts trying to get into their heads. I felt like I was caught in a web with no way out. I also believed that to be a good daughter I should try and give my parents what they wanted even if it meant hurting me in the process.

I no longer try to figure out my parents or try to change their thinking. I also have learned that treating my parents with love and kindness and helping in ways that make sense all around is what makes me a good daughter. It has nothing to do with catering to their desires above my own well being.

Do what makes sense and don't get badgered into anything that doesn't.

One, has your mother been diagnosed with dementia? Has she had a complete neuropsych eval to rule it out? Has she seen a geriatric psychiatrist to determine the state of her mental health?

You need to remember that your mother cannot "make" you do anything. She can fuss, demand, throw tantrums, bad mouth you to the neighbors and relatives. But you are an adult. You make you own choices. You CAN say "no, mom, you can't move in with me. It wouldn't be what's best for you"

"I'm sorry you don't want to spend money on your own care Mom. I'm not sure what you're saving it for. Didn't you save for a rainy day? Well, it's pouring outside, time to figure out the best living situation for you. " No, mom, I can't stay home from work to care for you. Sorry but the world has changed and everyone has to earn a living and save for their own retirement . Did you see this IL brochure that came in the mail today?"

onetoughcookie -

The way your mother acts when she's visiting you is a very bad sign of how she would act if she lived with you. My mother was the same way when she visited us as a guest - she expected to be waited on hand and foot. She combed her own hair and took her own meds - even my Mom is not that much of a princess. But lift a dishtowel? Help with a meal? Chip in for expenses? Forget about it.

The issue isn't really independence. It's control. Yes, she would be dependent on you if she lived with you, but she doesn't see it that way. She would be in complete control of you. In assisted living, they are not going to organize every detail of every day, including activities, outings, meals, etc. according to her whims and preferences, but she will expect that of you if she lives in your home. That's why she wants to be there instead of assisted living.

Her refusal to pay for help when she can afford it is another huge red flag. Saying that's what family is for -yikes! What she's saying is that she views you as a beast of burden, as someone whose rightful place in the world is as an unpaid servant to her every wish and whim. The thought of bringing someone with that attitude into my house - forget about it.

And then there's your husband. Of course he doesn't want her moving in - he wants your primary focus to be on him, not your mother. His needs have to be considered too - it's his home after all. Please don't feel that you have to bring your mother into your home. It will wreck your marriage and your life.

As for mom being tired of cooking, cleaning and "being responsible"...... um, we're all tired of that. So Mom's bottom line is your house or her house? Fine. Mom stays put. She can hire a cleaning service, hire a lawn care/snow removal service, and have a few meals per week delivered. This will ease some of her day-to-day details, and it will cost her just a fraction of what IL or AL would cost. Suggest this to mom, and tell her that you will help her screen and interview the service providers. (While you're at it, offer to put her bills on auto-pay or set up online pay options thru her bank. You will have to be the ongoing monitor and "do-er," but no biggie compared to the way she'd have you immolating yourself for convenience if she had her way.) If mom refuses to spend a modest amount of HER moldy money to make HER life easier, that's her perogative. And that's where your convo with her about all this ends. Permanently.

I want to chime in one more time here; I think your mom saying she doesn't want to cook or clean or be "responsible" is a red flag for " I can't figure anything out any more, I need help!"

She needs compassion but also workup, a diagnosis and a proper placement.

ToughCookie: Comment #18 from TryingMyBest, Comment #19 from Babalou and Comment #20 from CarlaCB are words to live by. Print those 3 entries and keep them with you at all times. Read them every night before you fall asleep. Read them every morning upon waking. Whenever mom drops a "poor me" guilt bomb, excuse yourself and lock yourself in the bathroom and read those 3 comments. Then re-enter mom's presence and stand your ground. Say what you need to say calmly, briefly and respectfully. Do this every time mom gives you her song and dance. I'll say this as delicately as I can......but after your mother leaves this earth, you will still need your husband, your health, your sanity and your career. Make it your sole priority to protect and nuture those 4 essentials. Once you do that, the mama drama will resolve itself. (Maybe not exactly the way mom would like. But honestly, when was the last time that woman had a good idea?? You need to take the lead here.) If you cave in to mom's self-centered histrionics, you will be broke, broken and alone. This is a preventable outcome, and everyone on this forum has given you the tools to prevent it. Stay strong, stay focused and love yourself. We're rooting for you.

I also agree with Bablou's 2-cents about some of mom's odd phrasing and requests. Her "tired of" and "don't want to" statements are likely a smokescreen for declining executive function. This can be tricky to gauge. Especially if your loved one has always been eccentric, self-centered, or a garden-variety pain in the a**. Like B said, a full geriatric workup is your best North Star. But if you live in a rural or economically-deprived area, you might not have access to this level of evaluation. Regardless, continue to be mom's partner at any and all doctor appointments. If you have concerns that you can't discuss in front of mom, put them in writing and mail the letter (certified/return-recepit) to her doctor. The day before her appt, call to make sure your correspondence is in her file. As mom requires increasing care, she is blessed to be able to pay for the services, adaptive devices or residential treatment that her doctor(s) will order. Granted, mom has a bad case of cheap-itis and insists on thumbing her nose at her financial security. Nonetheless, she is financially secure. That is a rare and precious thing in today's economy. And it allows you to move forward with confidence.

I am so glad I posted on this forum! All of your responses are helping more than you know. I love my mom but I need to protect myself and my marriage. I will continue to care for and about her and I will always love her deeply. But that doesn't mean she has to live in my home. So many thanks to everyone and I will keep you informed as things progress. What a great group of people you all are!

cookie, I had a similar situation with my mom. She was able to live alone, cooked etc. She just needed help with cleaning and home chores (yard etc.) Thing is, she didn't like being alone. She rejected getting help to be able to stay at home, and rejected downsizing to a senior apartment where a couple of her friends were. So being duly guilt-programmed daughters, we created Plan C, which was her moving in with us (half year each home). In hindsight, Plan C shouldn't been an option, as she turned over every doggone thing she didn't want to mess with. When we started making decisions she didn't like, such as making needed doctor appointments, or insisting on using walkers and wheelchairs, it hit the fan.

In my experience, it is fine for parents to be able to determine how and where they want to live. But it is not fine for they and their decisions to dictate and control how WE live. Practice saying "it's not possible for me to do that" -

My in-laws now live in independent living and thank goodness my brother gave me his honest opinion about what my husband and I were considering doing. We were thinking about getting a house big enough for us all to share so that we would all have private "wings" and share the common spaces. At the time I was caregiving for them both anyway. My brother said it would ruin my marriage.

Now they're in indy living and they love it. And trust me, it was difficult enough getting them to move because they were in complete denial like your mom.

Your primary responsibility is to your husband, not your mother. Your husband understood that his primary responsibility was to you, not his mother, when she wanted to move in with you. You should read as many posts on this forum as possible before you knowingly and willingly put your marriage in jeopardy.

It sounds like you need to establish boundaries with your mother. Good luck!

Another thing I just remembered, if Mom moves in be ready for the dynamics of the household to change... Mom will once again be the parent and you will be the child.

I have to agree with freqflyer. I think that's a big part of the reason why parents prefer to live with their offspring. They're not the authority figure at assisted living - they're just one of the residents.

it doesn't really matter why she wants to live with you and have you wait on her hand and foot. You and your husband have your own lives, and she has the means to live elsewhere. Since it appears she no longer wants to live alone but is still mobile and fairly capable, Independent Living seems an appropriate option. Set up some appointments to visit two or three and invite her to come along. The sales people are really good at pointing out the amenities and activities. If you need to give her a reason she can't live with you, blame your husband.