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If they have the money to pay and they say they don't want to be a burden? My mom wants to live with me. She has the money for assisted living but refuses. She wants to leave the money to her children but won't use any of he money to help pay for her care. Some people have said she doesn't want to go to assisted living because she would lose her independence but she will lose that if she lives with me. She will be dependent on me. That's not independent. She doesn't have any significant health issues. She is still mobile without any canes or walkers. When she comes to stay with me she refuses to do anything for herself. Even bathing herself, combing her hair and taking her meds. She does these things for herself in her home but when she visits me she hands me the comb and says "comb my hair for me". I am going trying to decide whether to take her into our home. My husband does not want to. I feel obligated but I don't think I am ready for this level of care. Any advice would be appreciated. Especially from any seniors out there.

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Absolutely not. The only thing worse than a parent in true distress (which your mother is not) is a parent who takes delight in gaslighting his/her adult children. Undoubtedly, you love mom and mom loves you. Now let's talk about respect, which is the key issue here. Your mother does not respect you. If her disrespect is a reasoning defect caused by mental illness, Asperger's or very early dementia, she cannot change. If her disrespect is a choice, she will not change -- aside from changing for the worse as she ages. You are looking down the barrel at possibly the most important decision you will ever make. Before you sacrfice your home life at The Altar Of Misplaced Guilt, I urge you to do the following: Gather up all your self-respect (which might be in pieces, due to the way mom treats you), and add an equal dose of the respect you have for your husband. From this position, make the choice that honors YOUR dignity and YOUR marriage and YOUR right to say "no" to toxic people.
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As for mom being tired of cooking, cleaning and "being responsible"...... um, we're all tired of that. So Mom's bottom line is your house or her house? Fine. Mom stays put. She can hire a cleaning service, hire a lawn care/snow removal service, and have a few meals per week delivered. This will ease some of her day-to-day details, and it will cost her just a fraction of what IL or AL would cost. Suggest this to mom, and tell her that you will help her screen and interview the service providers. (While you're at it, offer to put her bills on auto-pay or set up online pay options thru her bank. You will have to be the ongoing monitor and "do-er," but no biggie compared to the way she'd have you immolating yourself for convenience if she had her way.) If mom refuses to spend a modest amount of HER moldy money to make HER life easier, that's her perogative. And that's where your convo with her about all this ends. Permanently.
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We just had to move mom from AL to a NH. Of course mom didn't want to move to a NH - who would? While my brother and I were looking for the right NH mom was doing her damnedest to get one of us to move her into our home. With me it never would have been an option as we only have two bedrooms on the main floor - one for hubby and me, the other for our seriously disabled son. She said she'd live in the finished basement - lol - with me running up and down multiple times a day waiting on her hand and foot as she could never manage the stairs. Now, brother has a home that logistically would work and he is retired with no kids left at home so he was actually considering it. Then he happened to be visiting her at AL one day - and mom had a poop accident. We had hired a full time care giver in AL as that was the only way they'd let her stay (hence the needed move to a NH) anyhooo - he saw what it took to get her into the bathroom (an ordeal in itself) and what it took to get her clean and changed... That was the end of mom moving in with him. Moral of my story? Really, really stop and consider what it would take to have your mom at home 24/7. Rip this bandaid of quickly - pulling it off slowly will only prolong the pain.
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I think the answer is very simple. Your husband does not want to do it. You do not want to do it. So the answer is no. Your mother is probably just nervous about her future in an unknown place around people she doesn't know. Maybe you can find a facility that has people she knows already. If your mother is sociable, she should make friends fast if the right facility is chosen. In a few months she could love her new place. It would probably be a lot more fun for everyone than living with you.
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onetoughcookie -

The way your mother acts when she's visiting you is a very bad sign of how she would act if she lived with you. My mother was the same way when she visited us as a guest - she expected to be waited on hand and foot. She combed her own hair and took her own meds - even my Mom is not that much of a princess. But lift a dishtowel? Help with a meal? Chip in for expenses? Forget about it.

The issue isn't really independence. It's control. Yes, she would be dependent on you if she lived with you, but she doesn't see it that way. She would be in complete control of you. In assisted living, they are not going to organize every detail of every day, including activities, outings, meals, etc. according to her whims and preferences, but she will expect that of you if she lives in your home. That's why she wants to be there instead of assisted living.

Her refusal to pay for help when she can afford it is another huge red flag. Saying that's what family is for -yikes! What she's saying is that she views you as a beast of burden, as someone whose rightful place in the world is as an unpaid servant to her every wish and whim. The thought of bringing someone with that attitude into my house - forget about it.

And then there's your husband. Of course he doesn't want her moving in - he wants your primary focus to be on him, not your mother. His needs have to be considered too - it's his home after all. Please don't feel that you have to bring your mother into your home. It will wreck your marriage and your life.
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ToughCookie: Comment #18 from TryingMyBest, Comment #19 from Babalou and Comment #20 from CarlaCB are words to live by. Print those 3 entries and keep them with you at all times. Read them every night before you fall asleep. Read them every morning upon waking. Whenever mom drops a "poor me" guilt bomb, excuse yourself and lock yourself in the bathroom and read those 3 comments. Then re-enter mom's presence and stand your ground. Say what you need to say calmly, briefly and respectfully. Do this every time mom gives you her song and dance. I'll say this as delicately as I can......but after your mother leaves this earth, you will still need your husband, your health, your sanity and your career. Make it your sole priority to protect and nuture those 4 essentials. Once you do that, the mama drama will resolve itself. (Maybe not exactly the way mom would like. But honestly, when was the last time that woman had a good idea?? You need to take the lead here.) If you cave in to mom's self-centered histrionics, you will be broke, broken and alone. This is a preventable outcome, and everyone on this forum has given you the tools to prevent it. Stay strong, stay focused and love yourself. We're rooting for you.
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If you don't feel as if you're able to care for your mom now, when she has no real medical issues, don't invite her into your home to live because she's not getting any younger and her level of care will only increase as days and months go by.

If you're troubled by the fact that she won't even comb her own hair or bathe herself, or take her meds when she's just visiting try to imagine how needy she'll become if she moves in. Her "level of care" now is nothing compared to what it will become in the near future. I would caution you against moving her in and work on convincing her to move into an assisted living facility. Tour a couple of places and then go and have a nice lunch out with your mom to discuss it.
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Um, it sounds as though your mom may have a significant mental health problem if she is acting this way. And, much as I'm sure you love her, your marriage and your sanity come first. So, no to mom moving in.

Why does she need to go to Assisted Living? What is it she can't do at home for herself? If she's still in good health, look into Independent Living facilities. These are senior residential places, often with several meals a day provided. No loss of independence.

"Mom, I don't think that us living together is a good idea at all. If you are going to keep your skills, you need to be in a place where you can do things for yourself. I'm afraid if you lived here, we'd end up taking your independence away"
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I have to agree with freqflyer. I think that's a big part of the reason why parents prefer to live with their offspring. They're not the authority figure at assisted living - they're just one of the residents.
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My mom wants to live with me. JUST SAY NO ...
.... going trying to decide whether to take her into your home .... Not without a written contract for expenses and long term care etc. You have NO IDEA what would follow.
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