Why did it take me until age 60 to wake up?

Spirit better late than never. Your family sounds a lot like mine. Sometimes it takes us a bit to get it all processed and figured out. I am happy you did. May God continue to bless you and through Jesus, our Saviour.
Best wishes.

Thank you🙏🏻

Spirit
You know you are not 'the bad guy' From their point of view you may appear so but it no longer matters what they think.

You and your family should be first, always. We had to do something similar in the past, best move we ever made.

Hugs for you and yours :)

Thank you for the reassurance. I was at my wits end when I finally came to this conclusion.

Oops!

Your family is being selfish and mad at you for moving because they no longer can tap you for handouts, help or whatever they demand of you. I had to set boundaries a long time ago "no, i won't lend you money until you pay back the loan of 15 years ago that is still due" - somehow i'm the a$$ hole because they mismanage money and i won't give them more.

Don't feel guilt - people that have your best interests at heart will be happy for you when something good happens in your life.

As I say when "Well intentioned friends and family " tell me all the gossip, yep, I'm the bad guy, I'm good with that far easier then being a doormat! My family turned on me like a pack of rabid wolves when I made the choice to move 400 miles away to be with the love of my life, it was so hard because of all I had done for them. I actually thought they would be happy for me, whew, that was an eye opener, 20 years later and I'm still the bad guy. I believe that Jesus had to bring me out of that situation so I could hear Him, praise The Lord. He shows me everyday that the choice was the right one. God bless! You too, did the right thing for you and your family, only The Blood of Jesus makes my family, hello sister.

I'm right behind you. If we have love in our hearts, I think we will overlook bad things and carry the hope we can work out a harmonious resolution. After (figuratively) being hit in the head with same stuff over and over, it just finally sinks in. I could have written your post. When you always feel worse about yourself after being with someone, it is a warning sign. When you are drained by being with someone, it's a warning sign. When you have nothing left for yourself & your family ... it's time to let them go.

Kimber, you are so right, when I last "loaned" my brother money I made it clear that I couldn't do it if he could not pay me back on payday as this was my rent money, he promised, then promptly disappeared, leaving me to find my rent. Years later after his very sick son was born, my dad took me from the airport to hospital, what I did or did not want never mattered, so in walks brother and I'm like, meet you at the car dad, I was still mad that he would be such a jerk and not care if I had a roof over my head or not. Daddy dearest pulls brother aside, gives him the money to pay me back and I'm suppose forget and be so greatful. Yea, maybe if it would have been my brother taking responsibility for his actions but, nope not with daddy paying the bill 3 years later. I had already moved to my love and found my Lord, I just had not learned to forgive yet.

Yay, SpiritDancer! Enjoy your new found knowledge and happiness. Just remember being the “bad guy” in the convoluted, twisted world of narcissists is never bad for you.

God helps them that help themselves. I have loaned money not expecting it back. If I didn't get it back, I wouldn't loan again to the same person. I got my money back with interest. Yes, I took it because...I would loan money to this person again. Here is a site I found explaining how God wants us giving but to watch out for the wolves.

biblereasons.com/taking-advantage-of-someone/

Spirit - I feel for the situation you are in. I too, had to deal with being the 'problem solver' and finally learned that instead of letting myself get dumped on, I posted a note right on my phone so that when I was called for another 'get out of trouble' call, I would listen and then say very nicely - 'That's terrible. WHAT ARE YOU GOING TO DO ABOUT IT?" And then listened for their reply. Amazing how fast the calls for help stopped coming. LOL

So far no calls not even from my mother. So they must still be living on mother’s social security. I still feel helpless in not being able to make my mother realize they are using her up. She is so infatuated to have this once estranged “child” back in her life.

Sorry spirit, praying for you. ( hug)

I know don't you hate that it took you this long. We are not responsible for our siblings once we r adults. I am not rich nor am I poor but I watch where my money goes. I don't believe in these "go fund" accounts. Right now one is going for a neighbor who needs a liver transplant. What! This couple has a house that is paid for and one at the shore. She has SS and a state pension. He has SS and a pension from a large company who called him out of retirement to come back to work. Because he is over 66, he now can make as much as he wants without SS penalty.

I am lucky that no siblings have come after me for money. Just have one SIL who assumes we can afford. I hate that.

Keep sticking by your guns. I bet those crying poor have weird priorities. Like a friend of my daughter's, he bought a new bow and arrow but didn't pay his water bill. Because they can't handle their lives, doesn't mean it your responsibility. It's ur parents fault. Enjoy your life and ignore them.

My husband's sister used to borrow from him, until he married the mean one (me). She'd have her daughter call, "Uncle .... we need money for food." He got to where he'd ask if they still had cable. But, she'd cancel it, call and reinstall it. Now I have a brother who misused his p.o.a. and his executorship and defrauded me out of a LOT of money - I checked, I really can't sue. I could but no lawyer will take the case, they're too busy with cases they know they'll win, basically. But, the second he calls for money...

It's frustrating, I know. Hang in there.

Hi Spirit,
I'm 61. I don't think
you "woke up", I think you knew it was there all along but you were so busy trying to fix it that you couldn't "see the forest for the trees."

I was the same way with my alcoholic father. Years and years were spent as an adult in denial trying to "fix him." It got so bad when I was talking to dad, my (then) husband pulled the phone out of the wall, threw it in the fireplace then said, "You need to go to counseling." Wow-wake up call.

In therapy, I had to hold myself back from punching the therapist that called him "an alcoholic!" Through more months of counseling, I discovered a lot of things and terminated my relationship with my dad because it was so toxic.

Why did it take me 30+ years to deal with it? Because we're IN the situation.

Don't beat yourself up.
Adopt the new catchphrase... "going forward". 
Congratulate yourself that you are at this point. It wouldn't have worked out this way had it been any other time in your life.

Everything for a reason in the right season.


I wonder what revelations we'll have when we're 70? 😮

Smeshque JoAnn Moppsy SueC Nana, I’m so thankful for your kindness in my situation. It’s been literally a nightmare, many sleepless nights and this forum has helped me tremendously. I never imagined taking care of parents could be this difficult and could end in estrangement. My heart is still broken at times but I know that I must go forward. I ran into an old friend today and l told her about my mother turning so mean after my father passed away and how sad it is to lose your dad. But unspeakable when your own mother turns on you. She said, oh my gosh my mother turned so mean soon after breaking her hip. Her parents too were giving their money away to her brother over 200k and still giving, but won’t buy a wheel chair. On a positive side I’m not talking about it over and over again with my husband and children. It’s bad toxic negativity and is being eliminated from my life. Yes, going forward!!! Thank you, thank you ever so much. You’ve helped me more than you can imagine. (((((Hugs)))))

I came back to read and post on this thread because it just hits home to me. Stay strong moving forward with the primary focus on your own life and well-being. Being the bad guy, talked about and getting side-ways looks, feeling responsible to take the crap being dealt just to maintain peace are all things that have taken away my peace of mind. Not to mention that in such conditions I had very little room in my own psyche to enjoy my life with my family. Nobody should have the right to take that away from you.
What's hard is when you have love for your parents and want to prevent them from being taken advantage of by your entitled or selfish siblings. I sometimes have to remind myself parents created this monster and now have to lay in the bed they've made. This is hard, but a life saver for me emotionally.

Thank you GingerMay, so true. I wasted my breathe so many times trying to protect my parents from getting their lifetime savings nickel and dimed away by the entitled ones’ hard luck stories. Sad thing it never helped they just expected more even though they neglected and abandoned their own children and will never know their grandchildren. I’m still working on freeing my mind of this dysfunctional family. This forum helps tremendously in connecting caregivers to share their thoughts and frustrations.

It took me to age 64 to figure out that my parents are good liars and consummate actors. My father, a 100% bonafide narcissistic ‘mind chess’ player, made my home life growing up a distorted, confusing life. I’m a simple person, say what you mean, do what you say, etc. and that’s what my mom’s always taught me and that’s what I am. The abuse my father reigned down on her as she attempted to maintain a normal home and life haunts me.

God bless her, she’s completely forgiven for everything she ever did in my life. Good old Dad, is not forgiven.

Thank you Holiday for sharing your journey. At least we learned and were strong enough to face it in our adult lives. Not easy being from a dysfunctional family. (((Hugs)))

Took me so many years to realize that my mom had a personality disorder.

Mom was not mean, not overly critical and not a “screaming Mimi.” To me, Mom was just Mom. With all her attendant quirks.

Mom presented well to others. Until they got too close. Or didn’t play by Mom’s indecipherable rule book.

If I had a nickel for every time someone told me how “nice” Mom was, I’d be a zillionaire.

I was nearing 40 when I realized that Mom’s extreme limitations on how one could interact with her — and the simple things Mom was or was not willing to do to maintain a relationship — were way outside the norm.

Shucks, I was 50 when it dawned on me how WEIRD it was that I was the only post-h.s. senior/pre-college freshman who attended my college’s Incoming Freshmen And Parents’ Weekend with NO PARENTS. 

Honest to crap, I packed my little duffle bag, hopped on the bus and spent “family orientation weekend” at my chosen college with no family. It didn’t phase me at all. I felt no lack and no defect. In fact, I was kind of surprised that all those other 18-yr-olds were such babies.

Now THAT’S grooming!

And — as another person on AC Forum wrote about her mother: “Everyone had a relationship with her, but not with each other.” I felt a little electric jolt when I read that.

Sometimes I’m amazed at what I did not have the capacity to realize. For years. And did not have the words for.

To be fair, I’m not terribly damaged. Just odd. I always felt loved. For what that’s worth.

It’s like a great social experiment, as I unravel how defective my home life was. My parents raised me to be the most independent little “yes person” in the world. If that makes any sense!

Ah, dysfunction. The gift that keeps on giving.

Awhh BlackHole me too. I even enrolled in a new high school by myself.. crazy.. but yes independent. I felt loved and always provided for especially by my father. When he passed that is when mother’s meaness came out. I continue to stay away from her and all the brothers and sisters. So much fighting amongst them all as they continue to sap the money away. My children just laugh it off and glad that I got away. I can’t laugh it off yet but getting better everyday. Thank you for sharing. Stay strong:)