I waited until I had seen some of her videos, old and new. Also watched his video etc. Your question is What do I think? My full answer is too long to post here, I may blog on it at some point. A longish short version is, from what little is shown on video, knowing it's been edited to show the best of everything, etc. I don't feel one way or another about it. They should and seem to be doing what works best for them all. She seems well taken care of.
She is being monitored by doctors who know the situation. She seems to be fine and well cared for. She's, obviously unaware at this point, of him or his relationships so to her that is a non-issue. His choices regarding his personal life are none of my business. As long as she's well taken care of his choices are irrelevant to me. I'm sure by now the "outraged masses" have pressured social services into checking on her well-being. If anything had been found amiss it would be in the news. If a government agency could find even a tiny legal reason to take control of her fabled "fortunes" I'm sure they would have. Of course that's assuming those fortunes even exist. From what I can see they made a lot of money but also lived lavish lifestyles. From what I know of medical care it's frickin expensive, insurance only covers a minute fraction and the rich don't qualify for medicaid. A fortune can be depleted in no time at all lost down the medical treatment black hole. We burned through an unbelievable amount of money, wiped out both of our life savings and spent nearly every penny of my income on pops diagnosis and treatment before we finally forced workers compensation to pay for his work related injury. If she was the only source of income before her decline they will be broke soon enough if not already.
I've always been in favor of families doing what's best for the family, as a whole and I've never really cared what the rest of societal opinion is on their choices. I'm not naive enough to believe that those choices, if not within the paramenters of the "sainted caregiver" our society demands will be accepted. We live in a time where differing opinions are considered hate, so, yeah, one can expect the haters to hate. It's all they have, it's all they know. I remember in my younger days when those who placed their elderly or declining, loved ones in carehomes rather than "sacrificing their life" to care for them in home, were often treated horribly, viewed as selfish, spoken ill of, criticized, shamed and shunned. As time has gone by those willing to bear the brunt of societal disfavor by doing what was best for them, won those now doing so, the right to place a loved one without being judged a heartless monster. It's now, almost, socially acceptable for people to place their loved ones in care-homes and the pendulum is even swinging so far that some of those who choose not to place a loved one in a home are looked askance at. That only happened because people stood up, spoke out, and gradually normalized the idea that family members cannot always and should not always have to give up everything in order to take care of a declining family member in their home. I see this the same way. They're going outside the box and they are being hit with the societal pressures to conform with what our society see as the only options for care-givers. In the USA martrys are beloved heros, and those selfish enough to demonstrate another option/opinion are the evil villains. It is what it is. That's the "short version" of my opinion, that and $10 will get you a cuppa cuppa
So you can see these vids, his handle on both Twitter and IG are @ThankyouDan. And that right there is interesting choice. He has a second Twitter account Dan Gasby/B Smith. As I said, all of his relevance flows from her.
I am not doxxing the guy. These are public. As is his FB.
And has removed all critical commentary from FB and blocked Twitterati who are critical.
I wish I could post a comment he made on Twitter but as a mod explains. It sets off their spam filters. But wowsa.
With girlfriend he is searching for more relevance and fame, imo. He maintains he is bringing to the forefront the difficulties of being a caregiver. Not buying it. At this point he is using B Smith.
The original washington post article was worth a read. The follow up editorial was too. (By Patti Davis) The commentariat in the first article lambasted him every which way but good.
The newspaper article was quiet interesting. What I got from the article is that the girlfriend is also helping D. Smith with her daily needs. Hey, what better way to save money then to have the husband's girlfriend do the chores of a caregiver.
It will be interesting to see how all of this plays out once later down the road when B needs much more care. Will the girlfriend still be wanting to do all of the caregiving type of work?
Because I have been so horrified by this I have now gone through his entire Twitter TL, which handily links to his FB and IG accounts.
This guy is a PARASITE. He likes the fame, notoriety, accolades, board appointments received from being her caregiver. What he likes the best is the sympathy.
And almost everyday for the last three years he has b&tched about how awful it is on one of his three social media platforms-- sometimes simultaneously.
He cannot take any criticism what soever.
The 32 year old daughter is his from a previous marriage.
I think he won't put her in MC because that ends his relevance. And it breaks the pity equation. He makes bank off of woe is me.
Sheesh, he sounds like someone his wife actually needs protection FROM. It's sad when people exploit the elderly and disabled, and even worse when it's their own spouse or family.
I have spent a bit of time reading the husband's social media posts. Some of the things he has posted are questionable at best and terribly exploitive.
On IG he posts a video of B and the dogs sundowning. The vid shows the dogs napping on the couch and her sitting in a chair staring at him somewhat confusedly.
Another shows him cleaning up the kitchen with B watching a documentary on the holocaust. He points out she begins to cry so can still feel pain.
He has removed much if not most negative commentary on FB.
Personally I think this is extraordinarily exploitive and strips her of dignity. I would not want this for myself
I don't think disrespect to your partner is justified, at all. At least he could give her the respect and dignity of a divorce before he moves on with someone else. I mean, what's stopping him? Wife's money, maybe?
Maybe the question is in This whole thing is what have you sacrificed? Who is the arbiter of that? What is great enough? I don't know. I am asking you. We are at a very strange junction in caregiving, me thinks.
The I love my wife but can't let her take away my life line particularly stands out.
Addagio for strings to you sir.
I know a man who took care if his wife for 7 years in home. Pretty rich guy. After she passed, he had two shoulder surgeries for bilateral torn rotator cuffs. 2 knee surgeries.
All due to keeping her at hom and trying to,manage himself. He is 97 now. But he never took in a girlfriend.
What if you were B? Me for next would not want my husband all consumed with me and my care. I would want him to go on with his life, take care of himself, whatever form that would take. I would not be able to mentally or emotionally process what is going on in this case. Take a few minutes to read Patty Davis's (Reagan's daughter) commentary on it.
I don't recall Nancy moving the pool boy or any other into the house. I am not giving this guy a pass I am not. His FB post says quite a bit. I don't know this forum will let me link.
Wouldn't it be karma if the girlfriend later marries this old geezer, takes control of his money and moves this azz to NH when he's old and feeble, then uses his money on a young hot honey. This has happens all the time through out the ages.
Situational ethics. It is not alright to commit adultery except in certain circumstances. For me, those circumstances, or for that matter, any circumstances, do not justify the ethics (or lack of them) shown here. To tout it as a plus for B Smith, as Dan Gasby is now happy, and therefore a better caregiver... uh...well...doesn't work for me. There are other ways to look after oneself.
My daughter told me about the B Smith story yesterday. We have talked through this type scenario many times the last few years.
She & her husband cared for his grandparents for almost a decade which allowed the seniors to remain in their home surrounded by their pets & gardens & cherished mementos of their decades long marriage. As the wife's health began a rapid decline, her husband sometimes became overwhelmed with grief & distanced himself from hands on caregiving by spending more time gardening & fostering stray cats. He found comfort & distraction in his hobbies.
I have been caregiver for my DH in various capacities for almost 40 years. He has suffered the effects of CTE from the late 1970's. CTE was basically unheard of & misunderstood & undiagnosable until the last few years. He had a left temporal lobe stroke 4 years ago which put us on the diagnosis merry-go-round. He has seizures related to that stroke damage. In the past year he was diagnosed with vascular disease of the small vessels in the brain which causes multiple mini- strokes. He has a laundry list of associated conditions. The last 20 years have been particularly rough as his health issues multiplied: temper outbursts, name calling, threats, attempts to harm me or get me out of the way so he could do what he wanted. He blamed me for all of his problems: I was stupid, I couldn't understand the complexity of his job, I wasn't supportive, I was a bad wife & mother.
Throughout all of this, I have (marginally at times) kept sane with my hobbies & friends. The last 5 years have been so hands on & time consuming that all my hobbies & friends have fallen to the wayside
While I have many times wished & prayed that DH was cured & cognitively healthy (mainly so I could divorce him, only slightly joking!) I never once thought to seek out a lover or even someone to date. What I miss most is adult conversation & time to myself.
For conversation I go to a therapist. We talk about anything & everything & for one hour a week I am a normal person! Priceless!!! I get some time to myself when DH is at daycare. I spend that time sleeping or cleaning house. Also priceless.
My daughter & I both believe that one can find comfort & joy in hobbies, friends & faith in the Lord. Many times I feel incredibly alone, but someone is always a phone call or text or prayer away.
B Smith's husband has opportunities for fulfilling work, play & social interactions most caregivers can only dream about. He chose to cross boundaries & bring another person into his emotional space & into the physical space occupied by his wife.
He is doing his thing, he wants acceptance, he wants others to validate his actions & choices. My words to him & his girlfriend: once a cheater always a cheater. When something newer, shinier, richer, younger or healthier comes along you too can be kicked to the curb with yesterday's trash.
There is such a thing as righteous judgement. For example you would not let your child spend the day with a child molester. And to decide that you have to consider all factors and judge the situation, as good or better yet for your child. Same applies here. With all the facts that are known, this man is committing adultery, to say the least. God hates adultery. Therein we know that this is not right. Not because we don't like Mr B or girlfriend, but that the situation is wrong in God's eyes, therefore should be wrong in our eyes. This should really be also considered elder abuse in his part. Taking advantage of his wifes situation.
Hmmm. Read a comment this morning on his FB page that this was a publicity stunt for the girlfriend's upcoming radio show. And he is playing the public.
I'm not unsympathetic to any spouse who finds themselves in this kind of relationship, what I don't like is the apparent assertion that this the ethically acceptable solution and should be promoted. This isn't about an inherent biological need for sex and companionship it's about choices - people can and do live celibate lives and find companionship in other ways.
What happens when this situation arises wherein the spouse meets someone online. Or in a casino. There's much potential for this scenario of future to go sideways.
And I hardly think Nancy Reagan would have moved a boy toy into the Reagan's home.
B is getting the care she needs and is able to remain in her home. Now, what do you think B would want? For her husband to sacrifice all in order to keep her at home? Somehow, from what I have seen I think that B, being such a successful woman would want her husband to do what he needs to do to care for himself.
The courage it took Dan to make public the situation is unimaginable. He is bringing just one more aspect of the reality of caregiving to the forefront. People are talking about it, a good thing.
It is not our place to judge, especially another caregiver.
I have recently watched a 93 year old man, take care of his Alz wife, to the end. Even though everyday he had to convince her they were married and go through her sundowners and all that goes along with it. He loved her. He is greatly mourning her even though she was out of her mind for several years. I believe it is a selfish act to think of fulfilling your own lusts, while what is supposed to be the Love of your life is suffering from a dreadful disease. It just is not right, People will always come up with many excuses to justify their actions. But truth still remains. If you have a LO and you don't love them anymore, move along. Because to do such a thing is not loving them.
The following was written by Patti Davis - daughter of Ronald Regan, who as you all are likely aware - suffered from Alzheimer’s the last several years of his life.
“The backlash against Gasby was quick, and some of it has been fierce, with people berating him for his new relationship and bringing Lerner into the couple’s home. I doubt many of those people have had experience with Alzheimer’s.
Imagine your partner, the person you have loved and been in love with for years, slipping backward through time until their capacity for comprehending and communicating is on a par with a small child’s. Imagine that as their mental faculties diminish, so do their physical abilities. They can’t bathe or dress themselves, they can’t eat on their own, they need help in the bathroom. One of the many things that Alzheimer’s steals is the romantic part of a relationship, the “in-love” part. You still love that person, your soul is still tied to theirs, but the man or woman you once made love to, held through the night, reached for at dawn, cried with and laughed with is no longer there. The loneliness is vast and deep. One of the caregivers’ biggest challenges is to understand and accept that their lives can still have joy and fulfillment despite the grief and the loss that is inescapable. Gasby has said that he’s a better caregiver to his wife now because he’s happy. There is so much truth in that. People with Alzheimer’s pick up on every emotion — more so because they can’t reason or analyze, so nothing gets in the way of what they absorb emotionally. The best thing you can do as a caregiver for someone with dementia is show up in a joyful state. Alzheimer’s is a cruel thief. It steals the past as well as the future. I watched my father’s eyes grow more and more distant as the disease progressed until he was somewhere so far away, I could only pray that he was content there. We need people such as Dan Gasby to show us that there can still be life, and joy, and promise in what appears to be a bleak, unforgiving landscape.”
Plain and simple, "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death(physical death not mental death) do us part. Everyone has their opinion, just giving mine. I think it sad, that this would be acceptable. Not surprising in the culture of this time. But sad that it would be acceptable. If he thinks this in some way is honoring his wife, that is disturbing.
Would it be more palatable if he had moved B into a memory care facility?
Also, for the record - Gasby was a successful businessman in his own right when he met B.
Gasby was the executive producer of the Essence Awards and the senior vice president of marketing at Camelot Entertainment Sales Inc. Camelot is a division of King World Entertainment- whos parent company is CBS Television.
My full answer is too long to post here, I may blog on it at some point. A longish short version is, from what little is shown on video, knowing it's been edited to show the best of everything, etc. I don't feel one way or another about it. They should and seem to be doing what works best for them all. She seems well taken care of.
She is being monitored by doctors who know the situation. She seems to be fine and well cared for. She's, obviously unaware at this point, of him or his relationships so to her that is a non-issue. His choices regarding his personal life are none of my business. As long as she's well taken care of his choices are irrelevant to me. I'm sure by now the "outraged masses" have pressured social services into checking on her well-being. If anything had been found amiss it would be in the news. If a government agency could find even a tiny legal reason to take control of her fabled "fortunes" I'm sure they would have. Of course that's assuming those fortunes even exist. From what I can see they made a lot of money but also lived lavish lifestyles. From what I know of medical care it's frickin expensive, insurance only covers a minute fraction and the rich don't qualify for medicaid. A fortune can be depleted in no time at all lost down the medical treatment black hole. We burned through an unbelievable amount of money, wiped out both of our life savings and spent nearly every penny of my income on pops diagnosis and treatment before we finally forced workers compensation to pay for his work related injury. If she was the only source of income before her decline they will be broke soon enough if not already.
I've always been in favor of families doing what's best for the family, as a whole and I've never really cared what the rest of societal opinion is on their choices. I'm not naive enough to believe that those choices, if not within the paramenters of the "sainted caregiver" our society demands will be accepted. We live in a time where differing opinions are considered hate, so, yeah, one can expect the haters to hate. It's all they have, it's all they know. I remember in my younger days when those who placed their elderly or declining, loved ones in carehomes rather than "sacrificing their life" to care for them in home, were often treated horribly, viewed as selfish, spoken ill of, criticized, shamed and shunned. As time has gone by those willing to bear the brunt of societal disfavor by doing what was best for them, won those now doing so, the right to place a loved one without being judged a heartless monster. It's now, almost, socially acceptable for people to place their loved ones in care-homes and the pendulum is even swinging so far that some of those who choose not to place a loved one in a home are looked askance at. That only happened because people stood up, spoke out, and gradually normalized the idea that family members cannot always and should not always have to give up everything in order to take care of a declining family member in their home. I see this the same way. They're going outside the box and they are being hit with the societal pressures to conform with what our society see as the only options for care-givers. In the USA martrys are beloved heros, and those selfish enough to demonstrate another option/opinion are the evil villains. It is what it is.
That's the "short version" of my opinion, that and $10 will get you a cuppa cuppa
I am not doxxing the guy. These are public. As is his FB.
And has removed all critical commentary from FB and blocked Twitterati who are critical.
"when people tell you this Sh*t about "til death do you part," it's an insane notion!
Take care of someone, absolutely!
But to live a tortured life without having a life yourself is re*uckulous.
Then he links to a FB post. Where he posts the very same thing.
Time to put her in MC. as I said He makes bank off of woe is me.
With girlfriend he is searching for more relevance and fame, imo. He maintains he is bringing to the forefront the difficulties of being a caregiver. Not buying it. At this point he is using B Smith.
It will be interesting to see how all of this plays out once later down the road when B needs much more care. Will the girlfriend still be wanting to do all of the caregiving type of work?
This guy is a PARASITE. He likes the fame, notoriety, accolades, board appointments received from being her caregiver. What he likes the best is the sympathy.
And almost everyday for the last three years he has b&tched about how awful it is on one of his three social media platforms-- sometimes simultaneously.
He cannot take any criticism what soever.
The 32 year old daughter is his from a previous marriage.
I think he won't put her in MC because that ends his relevance. And it breaks the pity equation. He makes bank off of woe is me.
On IG he posts a video of B and the dogs sundowning. The vid shows the dogs napping on the couch and her sitting in a chair staring at him somewhat confusedly.
Another shows him cleaning up the kitchen with B watching a documentary on the holocaust. He points out she begins to cry so can still feel pain.
He has removed much if not most negative commentary on FB.
Personally I think this is extraordinarily exploitive and strips her of dignity. I would not want this for myself
He was a very successful businessman when he and B met.
At this point they have been married for 26 years - thats all theirs, together - what money thats been made over the course of the marriage.
The I love my wife but can't let her take away my life line particularly stands out.
Addagio for strings to you sir.
I know a man who took care if his wife for 7 years in home. Pretty rich guy. After she passed, he had two shoulder surgeries for bilateral torn rotator cuffs. 2 knee surgeries.
All due to keeping her at hom and trying to,manage himself. He is 97 now. But he never took in a girlfriend.
www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/alzheimers-is-a-cruel-thief-dont-blame-caregivers-for-still-finding-joy/2019/02/01/29ff8c88-2642-11e9-81fd-b7b05d5bed90_story.html?fbclid=IwAR3z4JiizVzbL9zevUtDjOHtrsnTFGahPdyFuz8RfNPTl1SDiOXMTtOvLPY&noredirect=on&utm_term=.4b2afdb4cf3e
www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2730081363674834&id=100000189921296
I love my wife..... Hmmm
Change the gender. Make it the husband instead of the wife. Change the sexuality. Make it a gay couple.
If you still come up with same result, id say your compass is intact.
I think it is wrong, personally. And I am firm in my compass.
Not a huge gap but what you describe could certainly happen.
Someone mentioned earlier “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I’ve always said “if they’ll do it with you - they’ll do it to you”.
She & her husband cared for his grandparents for almost a decade which allowed the seniors to remain in their home surrounded by their pets & gardens & cherished mementos of their decades long marriage. As the wife's health began a rapid decline, her husband sometimes became overwhelmed with grief & distanced himself from hands on caregiving by spending more time gardening & fostering stray cats. He found comfort & distraction in his hobbies.
I have been caregiver for my DH in various capacities for almost 40 years. He has suffered the effects of CTE from the late 1970's. CTE was basically unheard of & misunderstood & undiagnosable until the last few years. He had a left temporal lobe stroke 4 years ago which put us on the diagnosis merry-go-round. He has seizures related to that stroke damage. In the past year he was diagnosed with vascular disease of the small vessels in the brain which causes multiple mini- strokes. He has a laundry list of associated conditions. The last 20 years have been particularly rough as his health issues multiplied: temper outbursts, name calling, threats, attempts to harm me or get me out of the way so he could do what he wanted. He blamed me for all of his problems: I was stupid, I couldn't understand the complexity of his job, I wasn't supportive, I was a bad wife & mother.
Throughout all of this, I have (marginally at times) kept sane with my hobbies & friends. The last 5 years have been so hands on & time consuming that all my hobbies & friends have fallen to the wayside
While I have many times wished & prayed that DH was cured & cognitively healthy (mainly so I could divorce him, only slightly joking!) I never once thought to seek out a lover or even someone to date. What I miss most is adult conversation & time to myself.
For conversation I go to a therapist. We talk about anything & everything & for one hour a week I am a normal person! Priceless!!! I get some time to myself when DH is at daycare. I spend that time sleeping or cleaning house. Also priceless.
My daughter & I both believe that one can find comfort & joy in hobbies, friends & faith in the Lord. Many times I feel incredibly alone, but someone is always a phone call or text or prayer away.
B Smith's husband has opportunities for fulfilling work, play & social interactions most caregivers can only dream about. He chose to cross boundaries & bring another person into his emotional space & into the physical space occupied by his wife.
He is doing his thing, he wants acceptance, he wants others to validate his actions & choices. My words to him & his girlfriend: once a cheater always a cheater. When something newer, shinier, richer, younger or healthier comes along you too can be kicked to the curb with yesterday's trash.
Not judging, just sayin'
This should really be also considered elder abuse in his part. Taking advantage of his wifes situation.
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
I have no way of knowing if this true.
And I hardly think Nancy Reagan would have moved a boy toy into the Reagan's home.
The courage it took Dan to make public the situation is unimaginable. He is bringing just one more aspect of the reality of caregiving to the forefront. People are talking about it, a good thing.
It is not our place to judge, especially another caregiver.
I believe it is a selfish act to think of fulfilling your own lusts, while what is supposed to be the Love of your life is suffering from a dreadful disease.
It just is not right,
People will always come up with many excuses to justify their actions. But truth still remains. If you have a LO and you don't love them anymore, move along. Because to do such a thing is not loving them.
“The backlash against Gasby was quick, and some of it has been fierce, with people berating him for his new relationship and bringing Lerner into the couple’s home. I doubt many of those people have had experience with Alzheimer’s.
Imagine your partner, the person you have loved and been in love with for years, slipping backward through time until their capacity for comprehending and communicating is on a par with a small child’s. Imagine that as their mental faculties diminish, so do their physical abilities. They can’t bathe or dress themselves, they can’t eat on their own, they need help in the bathroom. One of the many things that Alzheimer’s steals is the romantic part of a relationship, the “in-love” part. You still love that person, your soul is still tied to theirs, but the man or woman you once made love to, held through the night, reached for at dawn, cried with and laughed with is no longer there. The loneliness is vast and deep.
One of the caregivers’ biggest challenges is to understand and accept that their lives can still have joy and fulfillment despite the grief and the loss that is inescapable. Gasby has said that he’s a better caregiver to his wife now because he’s happy. There is so much truth in that. People with Alzheimer’s pick up on every emotion — more so because they can’t reason or analyze, so nothing gets in the way of what they absorb emotionally. The best thing you can do as a caregiver for someone with dementia is show up in a joyful state.
Alzheimer’s is a cruel thief. It steals the past as well as the future. I watched my father’s eyes grow more and more distant as the disease progressed until he was somewhere so far away, I could only pray that he was content there. We need people such as Dan Gasby to show us that there can still be life, and joy, and promise in what appears to be a bleak, unforgiving landscape.”
Everyone has their opinion, just giving mine. I think it sad, that this would be acceptable. Not surprising in the culture of this time. But sad that it would be acceptable.
If he thinks this in some way is honoring his wife, that is disturbing.
Also, for the record - Gasby was a successful businessman in his own right when he met B.
Gasby was the executive producer of the Essence Awards and the senior vice president of marketing at Camelot Entertainment Sales Inc. Camelot is a division of King World Entertainment- whos parent company is CBS Television.