Follow
Share

What do you think about the B. Smith story?

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Find Care & Housing
We have pretty much had this discussion when asked by a couple of men previously.

ALZ/Dementia is a horrible desease eventually stealing away who the person was/is. The diseases can go on for years leaving the spouse lonely. The person they are caring for doesn't even know who her/his spouse is. I think men find it harder than women. I have also wondered why friends aren't enough, why does it need to be someone of the opposite sex? Validation? Or just the natural order of things.

If you look at this from the marriage vows, its death do us part, sickness and in health. But what happens when the person is a shell. The memories are gone as is the mind. Dying little by little.

The first man who asked this question his wife was in a facility with ALZ. I think a little companionship was OK. Someone to have dinner with a movie or just talk.

The other guys wife I think had a debilitating desease and was still home. He wanted to date. My response was what excuse was he going to give her why he was out all night. I said no

Now you have a man with his ALZ wife still leaving home and he is bringing in another woman. NO! How disrespectful can you be to bring a woman into your wife's home when she is still there. There was no love in this marriage to begin with if he can treat his wife like this. Poor lady. Oh and the lady moving in, I have no respect for her either.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

I find the B Smith story particularly insidious, far more than some others I’ve heard and known. Her husband is a beneficiary of B Smith’s very successful career, at some point in their relationship he became her manager and left behind whatever he previously did. So he’s living well from her talent and success. I don’t respect those who ride the coattails of others. Add to this that in his time of caregiving there was never a need to make his new living situation public, he could have easily continued to care for his wife and had his live in girlfriend all in private. But his ego wouldn’t allow it. He had to go public and loudly show off that he could snag a new, younger woman while still claiming to be altruistic in being devoted to his wife. He needed the world to know that while his wife was slipping away, all his needs were still being met. B Smith is being made a mockery of, her life and leagcy deserve better, especially from someone who was supposed to care the most
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

I find this story disturbing as well. I happened to come across their book at the library a couple of years ago, and found it quite moving. Sad for B. Smith.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Gut reaction...
Not my business
And having cared for my Husband for 12 years this is not something I would do but if I were the one ill I would not fault my Husband for seeking companionship. He was not the type to do so so I do not know if that clouds my feelings and or thoughts on the subject.
I know I would not feel right about being "the other woman" in this trio. And there is no way I would have started a relationship with a man that had a wife that was still a wife.
I do believe in Karma...and you reap what you sow.
I am not one to pass judgement on someone else, there is One that is a little (ok, maybe a lot) more knowing than I am and I will leave it at that.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

I don't fault him for seeking companionship and taking care of himself, but allowing his girlfriend to get involved is something I don't think B would want, if she could consent. I wouldn't want my husband too. Go out and do what you need to, but keep it separate from what's going on with me. It just feels like he's taking advantage of a situation and the worst part is he's made it public...something SHE CAN NOT CONSENT TO. Nope. Not good at all.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I sort of feel that if this was a woman taking care of her spouse, and she moved her lover in, boy would people be hating on this! I feel more discretion is needed, and personal things should be kept personal. But I somehow think this happens way more than we see. How often do people remarry fast after their spouse passes? As in within months? I know of several couples who remarried in a few months,
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Segoline Feb 2019
Can you imagine the comments, were this a woman?
(2)
Report
It's the fact that it has deliberately been made public that I find so distasteful, as though they are trying to self righteously promote this as a good option. Yes, it happens, but I don't think the current "anything goes" mindset is anything to celebrate.
Helpful Answer (10)
Report

When I attempted to post this at first, I got kicked out of the forum and this post did not appear. I did not use this headline.

As to the subject matter, as someone else said, his relevance flowed from his wife's success. Making it public was bad form. Unless someone else was going to and he wanted to get ahead of it.

Not every one reading their story will have the wealth. And bad things will come from making public this arrangement, I think.

I have a problem with the fact she cannot consent.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
JoAnn29 Feb 2019
Really, I see nothing wrong with the post. Nice to have a discussion like this as long as we allow each other their opinions.
(3)
Report
From an outside perspective, as someone who was never married, I think it's good the husband has support in caregiving to her... in whatever form that takes. B. Smith is gone - her mind and who she was has been taken from her and what's left is a simple person who needs care. However she gets better care is what's better for her at this point in her life. That's over-simplified perhaps, but that's what it comes down to for me.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Would it be more palatable if he had moved B into a memory care facility?

Also, for the record - Gasby was a successful businessman in his own right when he met B.

Gasby was the executive producer of the Essence Awards and the senior vice president of marketing at Camelot Entertainment Sales Inc. Camelot is a division of King World Entertainment- whos parent company is CBS Television.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

Plain and simple, "For better or worse, in sickness and in health, til death(physical death not mental death) do us part.
Everyone has their opinion, just giving mine. I think it sad, that this would be acceptable. Not surprising in the culture of this time. But sad that it would be acceptable.
If he thinks this in some way is honoring his wife, that is disturbing.
Helpful Answer (5)
Report

The following was written by Patti Davis - daughter of Ronald Regan, who as you all are likely aware - suffered from Alzheimer’s the last several years of his life.

“The backlash against Gasby was quick, and some of it has been fierce, with people berating him for his new relationship and bringing Lerner into the couple’s home. I doubt many of those people have had experience with Alzheimer’s.

Imagine your partner, the person you have loved and been in love with for years, slipping backward through time until their capacity for comprehending and communicating is on a par with a small child’s. Imagine that as their mental faculties diminish, so do their physical abilities. They can’t bathe or dress themselves, they can’t eat on their own, they need help in the bathroom. One of the many things that Alzheimer’s steals is the romantic part of a relationship, the “in-love” part. You still love that person, your soul is still tied to theirs, but the man or woman you once made love to, held through the night, reached for at dawn, cried with and laughed with is no longer there. The loneliness is vast and deep.
One of the caregivers’ biggest challenges is to understand and accept that their lives can still have joy and fulfillment despite the grief and the loss that is inescapable. Gasby has said that he’s a better caregiver to his wife now because he’s happy. There is so much truth in that. People with Alzheimer’s pick up on every emotion — more so because they can’t reason or analyze, so nothing gets in the way of what they absorb emotionally. The best thing you can do as a caregiver for someone with dementia is show up in a joyful state.
Alzheimer’s is a cruel thief. It steals the past as well as the future. I watched my father’s eyes grow more and more distant as the disease progressed until he was somewhere so far away, I could only pray that he was content there. We need people such as Dan Gasby to show us that there can still be life, and joy, and promise in what appears to be a bleak, unforgiving landscape.”
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

I have recently watched a 93 year old man, take care of his Alz wife, to the end. Even though everyday he had to convince her they were married and go through her sundowners and all that goes along with it. He loved her. He is greatly mourning her even though she was out of her mind for several years.
I believe it is a selfish act to think of fulfilling your own lusts, while what is supposed to be the Love of your life is suffering from a dreadful disease.
It just is not right,
People will always come up with many excuses to justify their actions. But truth still remains. If you have a LO and you don't love them anymore, move along. Because to do such a thing is not loving them.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

B is getting the care she needs and is able to remain in her home. Now, what do you think B would want? For her husband to sacrifice all in order to keep her at home? Somehow, from what I have seen I think that B, being such a successful woman would want her husband to do what he needs to do to care for himself.

The courage it took Dan to make public the situation is unimaginable. He is bringing just one more aspect of the reality of caregiving to the forefront. People are talking about it, a good thing.

It is not our place to judge, especially another caregiver.
Helpful Answer (7)
Report
Segoline Feb 2019
Maybe someone else was going to make it public.
(1)
Report
What happens when this situation arises wherein the spouse meets someone online. Or in a casino. There's much potential for this scenario of future to go sideways.

And I hardly think Nancy Reagan would have moved a boy toy into the Reagan's home.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I'm not unsympathetic to any spouse who finds themselves in this kind of relationship, what I don't like is the apparent assertion that this the ethically acceptable solution and should be promoted. This isn't about an inherent biological need for sex and companionship it's about choices - people can and do live celibate lives and find companionship in other ways.
Helpful Answer (8)
Report

Hmmm. Read a comment this morning on his FB page that this was a publicity stunt for the girlfriend's upcoming radio show. And he is playing the public.

I have no way of knowing if this true.
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

I wonder what B.Smith's husband would feel if HE was the one with Alzheimer's and B.Smith moved her lover in to live with them.
Helpful Answer (3)
Report
Segoline Feb 2019
Well apparently he is very angry about responses he has been getting.
(0)
Report
See 1 more reply
John 8:7 “He that is without sin among you, let him first cast a stone at her.”
Helpful Answer (1)
Report

Galatians 6:7
Be not deceived; God is not mocked: for whatsoever a man soweth, that shall he also reap.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

Matt.7:1 “Judge not, that ye be not judged.”
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
smeshque Feb 2019
There is such a thing as righteous judgement. For example you would not let your child spend the day with a child molester. And to decide that you have to consider all factors and judge the situation, as good or better yet for your child. Same applies here. With all the facts that are known, this man is committing adultery, to say the least. God hates adultery. Therein we know that this is not right. Not because we don't like Mr B or girlfriend, but that the situation is wrong in God's eyes, therefore should be wrong in our eyes.
This should really be also considered elder abuse in his part. Taking advantage of his wifes situation.
(4)
Report
See 1 more reply
My daughter told me about the B Smith story yesterday. We have talked through this type scenario many times the last few years.

She & her husband cared for his grandparents for almost a decade which allowed the seniors to remain in their home surrounded by their pets & gardens & cherished mementos of their decades long marriage. As the wife's health began a rapid decline, her husband sometimes became overwhelmed with grief & distanced himself from hands on caregiving by spending more time gardening & fostering stray cats. He found comfort & distraction in his hobbies.

I have been caregiver for my DH in various capacities for almost 40 years. He has suffered the effects of CTE from the late 1970's. CTE was basically unheard of & misunderstood & undiagnosable until the last few years. He had a left temporal lobe stroke 4 years ago which put us on the diagnosis merry-go-round. He has seizures related to that stroke damage. In the past year he was diagnosed with vascular disease of the small vessels in the brain which causes multiple mini- strokes. He has a laundry list of associated conditions. The last 20 years have been particularly rough as his health issues multiplied: temper outbursts, name calling, threats, attempts to harm me or get me out of the way so he could do what he wanted. He blamed me for all of his problems: I was stupid, I couldn't understand the complexity of his job, I wasn't supportive, I was a bad wife & mother.

Throughout all of this, I have (marginally at times) kept sane with my hobbies & friends. The last 5 years have been so hands on & time consuming that all my hobbies & friends have fallen to the wayside

While I have many times wished & prayed that DH was cured & cognitively healthy (mainly so I could divorce him, only slightly joking!) I never once thought to seek out a lover or even someone to date. What I miss most is adult conversation & time to myself.

For conversation I go to a therapist. We talk about anything & everything & for one hour a week I am a normal person! Priceless!!! I get some time to myself when DH is at daycare. I spend that time sleeping or cleaning house. Also priceless.

My daughter & I both believe that one can find comfort & joy in hobbies, friends & faith in the Lord. Many times I feel incredibly alone, but someone is always a phone call or text or prayer away.

B Smith's husband has opportunities for fulfilling work, play & social interactions most caregivers can only dream about. He chose to cross boundaries & bring another person into his emotional space & into the physical space occupied by his wife.

He is doing his thing, he wants acceptance, he wants others to validate his actions & choices. My words to him & his girlfriend: once a cheater always a cheater. When something newer, shinier, richer, younger or healthier comes along you too can be kicked to the curb with yesterday's trash.

Not judging, just sayin'
Helpful Answer (7)
Report

Situational ethics. It is not alright to commit adultery except in certain circumstances. For me, those circumstances, or for that matter, any circumstances, do not justify the ethics (or lack of them) shown here. To tout it as a plus for B Smith, as Dan Gasby is now happy, and therefore a better caregiver... uh...well...doesn't work for me. There are other ways to look after oneself.
Helpful Answer (4)
Report

Wouldn't it be karma if the girlfriend later marries this old geezer, takes control of his money and moves this azz to NH when he's old and feeble, then uses his money on a young hot honey. This has happens all the time through out the ages.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report
Rainmom Feb 2019
The girlfriend is only ten years younger than he is.

Not a huge gap but what you describe could certainly happen.

Someone mentioned earlier “once a cheater, always a cheater”. I’ve always said “if they’ll do it with you - they’ll do it to you”.
(2)
Report
I don't get the biblical back and forth here. You can dredge up any verse to support your beliefs. Any.

Change the gender. Make it the husband instead of the wife. Change the sexuality. Make it a gay couple.

If you still come up with same result, id say your compass is intact.

I think it is wrong, personally. And I am firm in my compass.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

What if you were B? Me for next would not want my husband all consumed with me and my care. I would want him to go on with his life, take care of himself, whatever form that would take. I would not be able to mentally or emotionally process what is going on in this case. Take a few minutes to read Patty Davis's (Reagan's daughter) commentary on it.

www.washingtonpost.com/opinions/alzheimers-is-a-cruel-thief-dont-blame-caregivers-for-still-finding-joy/2019/02/01/29ff8c88-2642-11e9-81fd-b7b05d5bed90_story.html?fbclid=IwAR3z4JiizVzbL9zevUtDjOHtrsnTFGahPdyFuz8RfNPTl1SDiOXMTtOvLPY&noredirect=on&utm_term=.4b2afdb4cf3e
Helpful Answer (4)
Report
Segoline Feb 2019
I don't recall Nancy moving the pool boy or any other into the house. I am not giving this guy a pass I am not. His FB post says quite a bit. I don't know this forum will let me link.

www.facebook.com/story.php?story_fbid=2730081363674834&id=100000189921296

I love my wife..... Hmmm
(2)
Report
This was the quote which stood out.

The I love my wife but can't let her take away my life line particularly stands out.

Addagio for strings to you sir.

I know a man who took care if his wife for 7 years in home. Pretty rich guy. After she passed, he had two shoulder surgeries for bilateral torn rotator cuffs. 2 knee surgeries.

All due to keeping her at hom and trying to,manage himself. He is 97 now. But he never took in a girlfriend.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

Maybe the question is in This whole thing is what have you sacrificed? Who is the arbiter of that? What is great enough? I don't know. I am asking you. We are at a very strange junction in caregiving, me thinks.
Helpful Answer (0)
Report

I don't think disrespect to your partner is justified, at all. At least he could give her the respect and dignity of a divorce before he moves on with someone else. I mean, what's stopping him? Wife's money, maybe?
Helpful Answer (3)
Report

I honestly don’t think it’s about the money - for him, at least.

He was a very successful businessman when he and B met.

At this point they have been married for 26 years - thats all theirs, together - what money thats been made over the course of the marriage.
Helpful Answer (2)
Report

This question has been closed for answers. Ask a New Question.
Ask a Question
Subscribe to
Our Newsletter