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I always read, and respond to, comments from people who are laying guilt trips on others for needing to place a parent in a care home environment; Skilled Nursing, Memory Care or Assisted Living.


If you LOVED your mother, they'll say, you'd care for her at home, even if it's killing you to do so!


How's that for a guilt trip? Yet we read comments like that ALL THE TIME here!


What does love have to do with the need to place a loved one in a care home environment?


As a receptionist in a Memory Care community, I DARE you to tell ANY ONE of the sons, daughters, husbands, wives or other loved ones that they do not 'LOVE' their family member and 'put' them there in this place to rot away! I'd sure love to see the fight that would break out as a result of such an insensitive comment.


Not many people would have the chutzpah to make that comment in real life, to someone's face, yet find it perfectly acceptable to do so under the veil of anonymity here on the forum.


I call FOUL!


When is it okay to say you've had enough and that you're human and can't care for your loved one any longer? Do you have to be in the hospital yourself before it's acceptable to surrender?


I will say this: my parents have been in Assisted Living/Memory Care since 2014; Dad passed in 2015. My mother is almost 93 and still alive precisely BECAUSE she's in a care environment with a staff to look after her 24/7! Had she been in my home, or living in the 'heaven' everyone seems to think is her Own Home all this time, she would have died long ago.


Having a staff 24/7, round the clock, is safer and a lot more effective than trying to care for a loved one yourself day & night! And knowing when to call the doctor, or when to call 911, or when to get an xray and on and on. In a care environment, those things are a known quantity, as a rule, and done FOR the elder.


It's okay also to take care of your loved one in your home, or their home, if that is what you truly want to do, and if you're happy doing so, and if THEY are safe in that environment. But please, do not pass judgment on those who MUST place their loved one in care!


You actually may find YOURSELF in that boat one day and I promise you that you will not welcome comments telling you that if you 'loved' your mother, you wouldn't have 'put her in a home.'


Some decisions are out of our hands. Some decisions are made FOR us. And some decisions have to be made for the sheer necessity of it.


Be kind when leaving a comment here on the forum. Lots of people are hurting and genuinely in need of a sincere word of understanding and empathy rather than judgment.

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Dear Lealonnie1,
Very well said and I thank you for standing up for those of us who have experienced it as I have. With parents who were 40 years older than myself, I became a caregiver at the age of 41 and am fast approaching 58. My dad passed away in 2004 - I helped take care of him six days a week in the home I grew up in so my mom wouldn't have to carry the whole burden herself as she was 79. I had been caring for her since 2004 as she so desperately wanted to stay in her home until she died. She wanted me to "promise" her I wouldn't put her in a nursing home. I didn't make that promise but, did do my best to keep her there with my help for as long as I could. Finally, after ten years of doing just that - I couldn't do it any longer. I couldn't bring her into our home as we had a small, two-level house and the bathrooms were upstairs. So I took her car keys away, put a steering wheel lock on and began looking for an AL facility. I went to eight different places until I found one that didn't look like, smell like and didn't have a sterile, hospital environment. She moved in two weeks after her 90th birthday. Was she happy about it? NO - I took heat from a couple of her five remaining siblings who ranged in age from 70 - 85. The two had spouses with Alzheimer's and Lewy Body dementias and they had taken care of them in their home which is more natural than an adult child taking care of a parent(s) in their home. When I needed their guidance, input and support the most - I didn't get it.
I know myself very well along with my limitations. I'm a task oriented person - doing shopping, handling finances, taking them to appointments etc. but, I just am not qualified or have enough medical knowledge (no matter how much I read about a disease) to take proper care of my mom. For the last 16 years, I have worried constantly and it's been a long, hard road even with her being in AL. In April of this year, she had severe dehydration and then contracted COVID along with bi-lateral pneumonia and a severe UTI. Once she was released from both the hospital and rehab facility, I refused to take her back to the AL facility after them allowing her to be near death from the severe dehydration without telling me. We had been given three weeks while she was in rehab to find a new facility where I could put her in MC because she had declined so rapidly to the point she was no longer mobile. That was especially stressful as well as difficult to find a place we could afford, one that wasn't too far from us, one that didn't have COVID running rampant, one that was on the first floor, one that even had an apartment available and with a window so my husband and I could "window visit" and one that would even allow her to move in since she had the virus and was still recovering. Those are a lot of things that had to fall into place!! My husband couldn't even work and ended up taking a six-week medical leave of absence just to help field the phone calls I would receive from hospice, two placement agents, her old facility wanting to know what we were doing, the rehab facility wanting to know if we were actively looking for a place as they have to justify to Medicare why my mom is still staying there and so many others. There were many, many days we didn't get anything else done. She wasn't eating and had lost 20 pounds so I was taking her things I thought she would eat even if they weren't nutritional at least it was something that would give her energy and have calories in them. Oh and let's not forget the toll on our health and the stress on our marriage. That being said - if anyone wants to tell me that my husband and I don't love my mom, you have no idea what "hell" it's been unless you were watching us live our daily lives. Add to the mix the pandemic which has made everything exponentially more stressful and difficult. I look at it this way, someday those judging us will be put in a similar situation - how will they handle it then - time will tell!
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lealonnie1 Jul 2020
You have been thru the wringer, that's for sure. Nobody gets what we go thru with our mothers in residential care unless they've walked that path and have blisters on their feet to show for it. My blisters are aching tonight after another run in with an overly dramatic 93.5 year old mother who's chronically putting me thru hell. I still read so many judgmental and pious comments here from the anonymous keyboard warriors, it blows my mind. Guilt trips galore when we are sitting here BLEEDING from the pain of it all. Sending you a hug and a prayer for the strength you need to continue the battle, one day at a time. Thank you for sharing...it helps us all.
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thank you. My mom is living at home now, and I hope to keep her there. But I know there may come a time when I have no other choice but to place her in a nursing home. It scares me, but your post helps
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As I have said in many posts...SAFETY.
If there is a possibility that YOU will become injured while caring for anyone...
If there is a possibility that someone else will become injured that should be a deciding factor.
If you are getting to the point where you truly just can't handle the emotional, mental stress that should be a deciding factor.
A friend of mine said to me once..if you get to the point where you are asking "when will I know when it is time to place my husband, wife, loved one in a facility" then it is probably time. You probably would not be asking if you were not there.
Let NO ONE judge you for a decision you make in regards to the care of your loved one if they have not been there with you every step of the way. They have no idea what it is like being you, caring for the person you care for 24/7.
(I read some of these posts where a loved one is angry, fighting, refusing to do whatever..and I think my lucky stars, I thank God every day for the kind and gentle man I cared for. He truly never was resistant to anything. Yeah he made quiet noises that would drive me nuts at times but ya know what...I miss that now)
Guilt, oh how I hate that word, should never be a part of your decision to keep your loved one safe.
Leaonnie1, thank you for your insight on this.
Maybe we should not call this "surrendering". Every soldier knows when they need to call in reinforcements, they may not like it but to "win" a battle you need help. Surrendering sounds like giving up, we don't give up we change strategies.
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Momheal1 Jul 2020
Thank you for that reminder quote - I’m going to write it in a notecard and tape it up as a reminder for myself...wherever that may lead us it is a reminder that we cannot do it all alone😊
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I’m so sorry someone ever said that to you or to anyone else. This is the hardest and heaviest job and decision in the world. I have learned a lot ....that I had No idea went into this. I do have mom at home and when I finally get the moment to digest it all and have people help me so that I can have the time to actually weigh all the options I will do so. I will have to do what is best for her as well as myself. Our loved ones would want that for us...I think sometimes it’s a process each person has to go through themselves.
I have seen selfish people in this journey and it has saddened me, (because I really did need time from other family members to give me a moment to just gather all the options) and get a plan in place. Maybe those whom have said such things to someone else are just a little broken themselves - this does have a way of hurting the soul some days. So I hope whomever they were actually finds peace and whomever felt judged by someone else - realizes it most likely wasn’t about them and didn’t take it to heart. I would never think to ever be cruel to someone in this heavy decision. So if anything I hope the responses here are filled with more love and support (I haven’t read them yet) but when I do - I hope to see compassion and support than anything. I always attempt to let the good Lead. I think as with anything in life we may relate to one persons story here and maybe not someone else’s - that’s ok. There are so many variations here - nobody walks in anyone else’s shoes. We can o my support or lend and ear or advice. That is the best gift any one of us can give each other. 🦋
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And some decisions you are forced to make are between bad and worse.
If the only decisions you ever have had to make have been good vs. bad, then you have had an extremely lucky and blessed life. Most of us haven't been that lucky.
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Thank you so much for this. Wise and important words. We all need support - and to be compassionate and non-judgmental with others here.
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Amen 🙏🏼 I couldn’t have said it better myself! Hugs 🤗
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No one, no matter who or why, has the right to put someone down because they are unable to care for others. Until they have worn their shoes, keep their mouths shut. NOT everyone is or can be a caretaker for a multiple load of reasons. We do what we can but we must also consider that our lives mean something and are important to us. No patient via behavior or needs has the right to demand being taken care of if by doing so, the caretakers are destroyed and their lives ruined. Then they must be placed without guilt trips. People who are normal with a life and feelings and intelligence will know when the time comes to make the split. Sometimes it is the best thing. Don't give in to people who beat you for taking care of yourself. You deserve it.
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Anytime you feel like it! Seriously... I think when life becomes to miserable it’s time. Most likely overdue!
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Someone on this forum mentioned a place for mom. I was curious to see their ad again on YouTube. When I read the comments, someone wrote about getting rid of people and spending their SS check.
I replied that the check goes to the home. None for the kids.
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Amen. Loved it.....
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Caring for an elderly person is more than just meals, and room & board.  It’s doctors appointment, medication management, foot doctors(you can’t just trim their thick toes) hospital visits, rehabilitation, picking them off the floor, entertainment, mental health (theirs and yours). This is 24/7 365. People move in elderly love ones without understanding the magnitude of the the responsibilities they are taking on. If you can manage that AND your personal life, then great. If not, then a good facility is best for everyone. Be honest with yourself and not feel guilty about your decision.
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People probably hear criticism in person. They shouldn't have to hear it here too. This should be a safe place
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Amen lvnsm.
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And here is another doozie of a guilt-inducing comment left for an OP who was asking a Medicaid question and has her mom in a nursing home:

Here is what I dont understand?????? If you had all this money to get rid of why not just leave her in her home or your home and have 12-hour care(except when she sleeping.....This way she gets great care.
When the money was all gone, which would take awhile THEN put her in a nursing home!
Depending on assets and monthly income, even with 12 hour care, depending how long she lives you may have never needed the home!
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lealonnie1 Jan 2020
Ok, the mods REMOVED the offending words from this comment which was copy/pasted from the original. The OP referred to nursing homes as kennels for dogs.
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Amen.
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NeedHelpWithMom Feb 2020
And amen!
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No one ever, under any circumstances, has the right to judge you. Each person is different and some can handle more and be caretakers and others can't and do less. This is not something to feel guilty about or upset. It is facing reality - for your welfare, for the safety of the patient, and for the best outcome for all involved. Promises are wonderful but sometimes things happen that make it impossible to carry them out. Perhaps we did not think of the possible things that could happen or we just can't handle what life has given us. Then we must be strong and make the right decisions. You are doing nothing wrong. You must care for yourself first.
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Lealonnie too bad we can’t erase all of the guilt inducing comments on here!!! Not everyone believes in God. There are plenty of atheists out there!! No wonder so many people leave this aging care forum!! They get sick if all the guilt inducing comments instead of supporting people without judging.
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This is a response just given to a lonely wife who life is taking care of her very sick husband—

“Whatever you do, honor the vows you made. When you are free in the eyes of God you can pursue a relationship. You won't enjoy it if you move too soon.“.
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Riverdale Dec 2019
I found that wrong. Not one person can tell another how they can be judged by God. I hope the original poster can find the answers she needs from within and from God if she so chooses
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SnoopyLove: No, actually the battery company didn't put me through robo call holding. They were STELLAR! Of course, I had explained to them that - "Hey, here's the situation, for the last 6 months, I've been living out of state to care for my elderly mother and umm she just passed away so I'm very worn out and just swallowed a live battery." My DH was there finally (after just having arrived from our home state and he was already starting to fall asleep in my late mother's old bed). I think the battery company was Rayovac.

Insert - your story of the recording was very funny. No recording, but a live person at an untimely hour of the night, too!
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I think the short answer to this is when you wake up miserable, are miserable all day and go to bed miserable. Basically when there is absolutely no joy left in your life.

Other than that, when you don’t have a spare moment to yourself. You know, when you are a nurse around the clock, day and night for your family member. Then it’s definitely time to let go!
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Thank you for this. I needed to hear it. I am sure others do too. I don’t know how much longer I can do this. I’m trying so very hard. But every day is getting harder. I’m not sleeping, and how long I can keep up.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2019
Wishing you strength and courage, my friend
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Thank you for that!
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Andddddd.....here is another doozie. A guilt tripping comment left for a poor 68 year old man who was caring for his blind, deaf and demented 98 year old mother for 4.5 years before placing her in SNF and she was asking to go home....he is at a loss and asking for guidance:

"Don't turn away, don't stop seeing her. Take a step back & think. If I was in her shoes how would I feel, what would I want, what would I need. Think about this for a day deep inside yourself. I'll check in sometime tomorrow. "

Give us a break already with all this crap!
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worriedinCali Dec 2019
You beat me too! Just read that doozy and was looking for this post to add it! LOL!
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Snoopy & azil: Yea, getting my nighttime meds ready. My hearing aide needed a battery change out. Had the live battery ready to go. Put it next to the pills. In one tired night, swallowed the bunch. Thought I was going to die. Called # at Battery Co. They said I would be okay since it was a #13 battery and would pass. They had a protocol to check on me 3 days out, 12 days out, 30 days out, 3 months out, 6 months out and final - a yr out. They were EXCEPTIONAL! azil: sorry your mother went through that. Battery Co. said it's more common than not AND if it was a child, would be dangerous - not for an adult, though.
And oh yes - I WAS LIVING WITH MY MOTHER 7 STATES FROM MY OWN!😁😁😁😁
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SnoopyLove Dec 2019
Llamalover, that is wild! I love that they checked up on you for months afterwards. That's pretty good customer service! I'm imagining making the call to the battery company when it happened: "Press one for English, para Espanol oprimo dos, press three if you accidentally ingested a battery, press four to hear this menu again ..."
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Uh, you are supposed to prove your love by killing yourself?  Not moral, nor sensible IMO. How are you going to help anyone when you are dead? It is about fairness, balance and the practical realities.
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For those who feel that we don't see others here laying the guilt trips on us, how are THESE for guilt trip comments?

"Please don't put her.in a home, that's like having put you in a foster home or an orphanage! It's cruel! "

"How did she cope.when you.were a.baby? Same.way, now it's your turn to tend to.her! Love her and take care of.her no matter what!!!"

"We look at it as she took care of us when we were young and this is the least we can do for her because we love her."

Yep. The Guilt Trip comments are coming in fast & furious these days, sadly.
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Lockett2166 Dec 2019
We are supposed to take care of babies as they are helpless until they grow up. They have a right to live their lives. The elderly have lived their lives and now it is the time for their children to live their lives. If someone wants to be and can handle being a caretaker, fine. However, the very minute the behavior and demands of the elderly impact the lives of the remaining family in a negative way, it must be stopped once and for all. If it cannot be fixed, they must be moved to a place of safety. You can visit and take tabs but under no circumstances allow anyone, out of guilt, to destroy their lives. Never allow that. They should be guilty and feel remorse if they can't see what they are doing to their loved ones.
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It was last minute for my mom that we had to move her to some place because she was wandering where she was.  Neither my brother or myself would have been able to care for her.  So we put her into a place that had a memory care facility.  She did okay there but had to move her due to her long term care policy that she has.  This place is better. My mom has been widowed for 23 years.  She is 88 and will be 89 in January.

Not everyone would be able to place their parent(s) in a ALF or MC facility due to the finances.  It would have to be the last resort, which you understand.  I wonder if people understand that some people can get on medicare and Medicaid, if needed.

I applaud those who are able to care for their loved ones but if the 24/7 care is needed and it messes with your heath and those around you, I would really consider either AL or MC.  Whichever would suit that person best.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2019
Just to be clear......Medicare does not pay for long term care homes at all; it's Medicaid that does. Glad to hear your mom is doing better at the new place!!
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I am lucky in that my family has always said that when we were unable to care for ourselves we would move to AL. My parents moved their parents into AL and I moved my parents into AL. It was just something that everyone in our family knew would happen.
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NeedHelpWithMom Dec 2019
Sensible family!
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Kudos to the OP. My mother is in memory care and missing her home every single day, but my dad, who was part of that definition of "home" for 66 years, is gone. He cared for her single handedly for years because he was honoring the vows he made to the woman he loved with all his heart. If she was still home she'd be heartbroken to wake up alone in their bed every day.

Still, she's in much better health now getting the medical care, the mental stimulation, and the social interaction my dad couldn't give her. I'm freed up to just LOVE her, which is my job and I'm happy to do it. I see her every other day, and I don't have to change diapers which was humiliating for both of us, worry if she's getting the correct diet, or dropping her pills on the floor by accident.

Yes, it's sad to have to leave her home of 50 years, but there are sometimes choices to be made between two less than desirable situations. I know I made the correct decision, and yes,I had terrible guilt, but she's safe, cared for 24/7, and as I said, I'm freed up to love her.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2019
"I'm freed up to just LOVE her, which is my job and I'm happy to do it." Perfectly said JWC!! It's nice to have a burden lifted & go back to being The Daughter again!
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Thank You Lealonnie!
Bootshop girl is tired. Mama has had Alzhimers 11 years. She has been in Memory Care for 1 year. I am closing our family's western store in the next 2 week's. It has been in our family 138 years. She is the owner. She will never know. I watched over her 7 1/2 years until I crashed. I KNOW Memory Care is best in my head. But my heart is a 1st class rebel. It is Christmas. I'm sad. My husband just said "Honey, all these people are coming. Everyone is a little sad. Let's go get a tree." I just got done reading all these posts. Thank you all so much! I feel better already. We are all in this boat together. If we keep shoring each other up.....this ship won't go down like the Titanic. Bless you all.
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lealonnie1 Dec 2019
Aww, I hope you went out & got a tree BSG! And I'm so glad these comments helped you feel better. Love your statement about this ship not going down like the Titanic..........perfectly said! Happy Holidays!
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