When I take time out to be with friends, my mom seems a little resentful. How do I handle the guilt?

Is Mom able to stay by herself while you work and go out on Sundays? If not, who stays with her?

Guilt seems to be a constant companion when you are a caregiver. Try to push it to the background and don't let it control your decisions. You need to work. You work. You need a day to yourself. You take it. As long as you are providing for your mom's safety and comfort, you need to take care of your needs, too.

Try not to feel guilty. If you can provide some companionship for your mother other than your own company on Sunday, that would be good.

If you have senior companions in your community (look up RSVP in your phone book), they may have someone who could visit with your mom some days. There may be someone from your church who visits elderly people alone, as well.

But you absolutely have the right - and likely need - to have a day for yourself. Your mom gets lonely, which is understandable, but you have to take care of yourself, as well.
Carol

By ignoring it. You are doing everything you can as a caregiver. Where is it written that you should be on call 24/7? Taking time for yourself is the healthy thing to do, for YOU. You will be in a far better position to be a caregiver if you have taken care of your own needs also.
Otherwise, if you do not, YOU will become the one who becomes resentful!! Stop beating yourself up: you deserve it! Slot out some time for yourself every day, as I do. If she doesn't like it, too bad!! She doesn't own you!

I think you handle it the same way you handle going out once in awhile when you have small kids. You get a good baby sitter, tell them to behave, don't eat a bunch of crap, don't give the babysitter any, and I'll see you in the morning. Oh, I'll check on you when I get home, but do not wait up for me. Kids don't usually do that, but Mothers will. Remember? Lol

Daughteralone, remember no one can make you feel guilty unless you allow it. My guess is your mom just gets lonely even though it is for one day. You have to take care of yourself and you want to do it while your mom does not need 24/7 care.

I also took care of my mom, and she was very feisty when it came to me spending time away from her. She had even thrown garbage cans at my friends car. Anyway, I found an agency that provided her with activities during the day, EVERYDAY, m-f and she was wiped out by the end of the week. It was great for her and Great for me. Dont let the guilt trip lock you down, your being very generous with your home, and time And thats a whole lot to offer. Many blessings..

Well, you only get some time away from her when you are working, that is not free time for you, but it does keep you sane I'd say. Saturday used to be a fun day for me, but every day is the same now, 24/7 with my mother. When she is not at the Day Center she is constantly looking for me, what am I doing, when she does not get attention that is when her stories looking for attention start, and then sweetness turns to nastiness. One day a week is not much to ask for, Sunday would be for me the day before work so I'd be all keyed up getting ready for work, that is why I liked Friday and Saturday nights. Can you get mom to church for a few hours with a group there on Sunday? Wow, she is 97, bless her and you.

I agree with the expert's answer because I realize how valuable care giving/companionship agencies are. We have one in our area who comes to the house to give us a much needed break. They are wonderful people who spend time just visiting or even helping out with things like feeding/changing/doing chores, etc... in our case. You not only deserve but NEED to take time for yourself. I think maybe your mom is lonely as others here have said and needs companionship. While you do give that to her on some days, you still shouldn't have to do it 24 hours a day every day. Another thing, they have places called senior centers that will take in people who want socialization in their lives and activities to do. I have even heard of some that will take in people with things like Alzheimer's disease so the family can have peace of mind that their loved one is somewhere safe. Personally, to me it seems as though your mom is comfortable in her own home, so the caregiver/companionship agency might be more the way to go with her, but you never know, maybe she would like getting out more and socialize with others of her own age. You could always give it a try and see how it goes. Don't be surprised if she puts up a fight about it at first. A lot of people don't like change in their life, so it may take a couple visits to get her more used to the idea too.

My mom does this too. But I told her that I never interfered with her friendships or relationships and it was quite unfair for her to do this to me. Since that day we have moved on. She still says what do you need to see her for? And I reply with the simple truth. Mom because I want too and she is my friend. I spend al ot of time with my mom and always have. But since Dad died recently she has stated I don't spend enough time at her home I tell my Mom, now that Dad is gone, I have no one to help me if I get into financial trouble and I had to get a second job. But I love her and we will be okay and have a good time on the next day.

Another thing, tell your mom you love her and give her a hug little bug. Let her know that all we have is each other and who would take care of her and you if you go crazy?

I agree with the fact that guilt and caregiving seem to go hand in hand. No matter how much we do, we still feel we could do more. And we feel guilty about it. Especially when we are taking some time out for ourselves, and our loved ones "pout" and lay a guilt trip on us. But we have to get past that. Because if we don't take time out for ourselves, our health suffers (mental and physical), and if that continues, down the line we won't be any good to anyone. So try to get past the guilt and realize that by taking care of yourself, you're actually helping your loved one. Because you'll be in better shape to take care of them!

I fully understand your need for a day to catch up with friends etc. I am assuming someone else is with her while your out because most 97 yr olds can't take care of themselves safely. If you have someone with her, I would just continue to find time for yourself. I took care of my father (died at 93 yrs) and I only could afford home health aides for my working hours and half a day on Saturday morning so I could run household errands. The rest of the time I was home and rendering his care. It does take a toll on your social life, sleep and need to rest in general.
I agree with the writer who said you should consider it similar to hiring a baby sitter, but unfortunately competent caring babysitters for the elderly are few and far between even when your pay them handsomely. I was always uneasy when new or substitute home health aides were covering for me. Undoubtly there was a problem which made the time out stressful and I was left to unwind whatever screwup the substitute committed while I was out. Having consistent
help was priceless.

Perhaps you could have some friends visit you at the home. I was able to do this with a couple of dear friends who had been caregivers themselves so they were not put off by my interruptions of care rendering. Again these types of friends are few and far between too.

Either way try to get time to refresh yourself with friends. I am sure your mother's complaints are because she gets better care and feels more
secure when you are nearby. Perhaps calling her when you are out to let
her know she isn't forgotten would help calm her.

Good luck

Elizabeth

We love our parents and care for them the best we can. Caring for them is a very difficult job to begin with and in order to do so it's very important that we recognize that "we can't be their everything", heck, we can't be anyone's everything. Lets just do the best we can and know that we have to care for ourselves. Taking care of ourselves has to be a priority for us as a caregiver because when we are cared for we are better able to give caregiving with love. If it means that sometimes we have to put our own needs ahead of our parents (when it's not serious) to get a much needed rest it's okay. It's okay to take a time out, do something just for ourselves and not feel selfish for doing so. Our lives are just as valid as those we care for. Yes, Mom or Dad might have to feel a little lonely sometimes if we can't find a companion for them, they have to make a sacrifice of us at times for our well being and this is okay. I just try to do the best I can for my father but without neglecting myself or feeling guilty for wanting to give myself some "my time". Caregiving when done in a healthy way means we don't lose ourselves and our own life in the process. Although like many others I have had to learn this lesson through my own trial and error. Guilt is so damaging.. it's not right for us to do all we can to care for our parent and then punish ourselves with guilt when we do something for ourselves. We are meant to enjoy life.

I sympathize! Mom mom is still bright and alert but wants attention all the time. She is very good at coming up with things for me and my sibs to do, I think, just to keep us around. I feel sorry for her. But it's hard to be around someone like my mom, who is extremely negative and demanding. She barely resembles the woman I used to know. I still love her, but she has morphed into something like a porcupine! Caregiving is, without a doubt, the hardest thing I've ever done -- and, unfortunately, it comes at a time when I am aging as well. It's not a very happy combination of events. I personally find my friends a treasure at this time (as I'm a widow) and a sense of humor is absolutely essential. Best of luck to you in this journey.

I meant to say my mom above, not mom mom!! LOL

I have some paid companions take my mom out. She gets tired easily, so it's only about 4 hours, but what a difference for me and mom! There are volunteers for those who have no financial resources. One thing that has worked well is to have a local college student go to mom's house and have mom teach her to knit - mom feels useful and enjoys the young lady.

there is a special bond that you and your mother share, but there had to to be some boundaries, I used to get a little resentful as a mother when my daughter used to go out ,But I also had to realize that she has a life also, and until your mother realizes this she'll always have resentment. And then again coulf it be the circle of friend you hang around ? Are they responsible? Are they generally good people?

Yes, you need to take care of you. I agree that we all need to get past the guilt but sometimes it is hard. I was working full time and never knew what I was coming home to. I would try and get time for myself but they became few and far between. I finally had to have knee surgery and that was when she went downhill. I have not worked in two years and am with her 24/7.
I do have lunch with friends and call her when I can when I am out. My friends will stop me when I look at my phone. Thank goodness they are there for me. But the guilt is there when I get home. She might be mean or nice when I get back. TAKE CARE OF YOU!!!!!!!!
I take care of her as best I can and I just want her to do what she can for her.

I'm currently taking a caregiver class and the first thing we covered is to take care of yourself first or else you not going to be in good shape mentally or physically to take care of someone else. I don't think it should be all consuming to care for an aging parent/spouse, etc.

Thanks to everyone for taking some time to share their insights with me. I was amazed at how many replies I received to my question! My mom is able to stay alone in spite of her age - she is quite healthy for her age. She wears a medical alert pendant also in case of emergency and she has my cell #. It is just that she doesn't have enough companionship and she never wanted to go to a senior group. She has a couple of people from the church who will take her there and sometimes visit and there is a friend who calls her everyday during the day when I'm at work - this is a good friend of hers who is 90 herself and lives with a daughter who works full-time.
I would love to find a social outlet for my mother - she's never been too willing to go out of her comfort zone at home. She wants me to be her companion. We just had another discussion about my needing a day for myself, and I really don't feel I am wrong. When she gets to the point that she can't care for herself, I will need to hire someone to help her, but right now she is quite able. And I don't hang around with strange people , erika40long. I am a 61 year old woman who has always been responsible and I never go out evenings anymore. I go out for dinner occasionally after work and come home by 8pm. On Sundays I go out with friends during the afternoon and usually come home to have dinner with her around 5:30 or 6. So I am still considering her needs and not leaving her by herself late at night.

She needs a boyfriend. That is the ultimate answer. Heehee:) xo

My sister was in your place, until her death. I firmly believe that she was co-dependent with Mother. Well, Mother survived. My sister did not. I would try to get her to put down boundaries, not answer the phone and not go over to Mother's every day. But, she refused. I firmly believe that the stress put her in an early grave.

Good luck to you. Once this clingy behavior begins, I don't think that it changes.

Boy do I relate to you with this! My Mom (93) lives with me, and is very bright mentally but has a lot of health problems that limit her life outside of the house (she uses a walker and her legs are weak with very bad circulation; she is also legally blind, although with macular degeneration she can still see enough peripherally to get around and even read - slowly with large fonts - from the Kindle Fire I got her), The bottom line, though, is that I am her primary/only outlet and company (she's not the "joiner" type, and it's hard for her to get out, anyway). I'm sure it's not a conscious thing, but she does get resentful when I go out or do things with my friends (I'm 63), and I am starting to hesitate about doing things because of the "Hell to pay" when I get home. ("I'm glad you have friends you can do things with, but your dogs did nothing but bark the whole time you were gone and drove me nuts!" or "you were late getting home to feed the dogs; they need stability and a schedule and if you can't properly take care of them you shouldnt have them", etc.,) I show dogs (also an issue to get away), and trust me that my dogs (3) are NOT neglected. She also hits me with lists of all the things she needs done and I'm not taking care of - like cleaning her closet out and organizing her drawers. Frankly, just "busy work" that can take up my time and keep me here. She doesn't seem to realize (or appreciate?) that the majority of my life is consumed with taking care of her needs - meals, managing medications, LOTS of laundry because of continence issues ("I just don't like those adult panties! I'll use pads, and sorry if sometimes they don't work...," LOTS of doctors' appointments, just day-to-day living issues). She often tells me how I'm "such a good daughter and she doesn't know what she'd do without me!", but sometimes I just feel it's patting me on the head to keep me compliant. I feel so bad about her shrinking world, but also feel bad about my own passing life... I also worry about who will/can be there when I'm older and need help, because I have almost no other family and no kids...

My mom will chase my guests out of the house if they stay for longer than an hour, most of them understand, and some don't ever come back

I just wish I had friends for my mother to complain about! She told me today that I should be glad that I have friends come over at night when she is in bed? What???? I guess she hears the tv and this is my friends coming over for the night. I remember when she was telling tales to her neighbors that I had two men coming over every night. What? Where the heck are they, I'd love to meet these guys, believe me! I just guess I am having a way way bit too much togetherness with her, she has been out of the day center for the last three days, and I have gone bonkers.

I have come to realize that childishness, jealousy and immaturity all surface at this age - whether they have been like this all their lives (like mine) or not. They have this notion that since they are our mothers, we owe them, and they own us and we should do whatever they say, and want.
Mine still bosses me and I am in my sixties, for Heaven's sake!! There is no end to it, and no telling her (politely or otherwise) will make it end. I do not cop to this idea that it is them being afraid to relinquish their independence, etc etc etc. That's all B.S.!!
They seem to become so self-centred, self-serving and plain downright selfish and it appears that those who have lived alone for a long time behave the worst. Plus the more you give to them, the more they expect. I find that with mine, if I do something a certain way one time, she just expects - and demands - it like that always.
Even in my own home, everything to her is "my" and "mine". She believes that all the groceries are hers ("What's happened to all MY bananas?") and that she is entitled to everything ("Where is the rest of MY newspaper?" {doesn't even pay for it} ). Why one day I caught her wearing my slippers, and when I asked her why, she says "oh, yours are warmer than mine". They went right in the garbage!!
And by the way ImageIMP, I get the same crap - if I go out with my daughter I come home to a fabricated health crisis, or snarky remarks "What happened - did you buy the store out? You were gone forever" never mind that SHE goes out whenever she wants, for however long she wants etc. We caregivers just aren't allowed the same luxury -- because THEY won't let us have it!!
At least you get that you are a good daughter. I get nothing!!

My husband went to live in a care center a year and a half ago at age 55. Because of all his health and mobility problems and medication management, he needs more care than a wife who works full-time can give him. Of course he would rather be at home, but I can't retire for about 10 years. What keeps him going is dreaming of the time he can come home when I retire. He deals with clinical depression and anxiety. The nurses tell me he gets real "needy" right after I leave. He is getting used to the idea that I come to see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work and on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. On Saturdays and Sundays he wants to either come over to my place (10 miles away) or he wants me to take him out shopping or whatever. The days I come see him he wants me to bring my meals with me or eat what he is having. The three work days that I go home after work I do household work, then usually fall asleep in my chair, some times without eating dinner. He calls me twice every evening, even the days I visit him. He leaves messages on my cell phone during my work day too. He is always so appreciative when I visit. I visit him for about 30 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and about 4 hours each (more when he comes over) on Saturdays and Sundays and talk to him about 30-40 minutes every evening, I seem to never have any time for myself. I feel guilty about not spending more time with him, as I am always thinking that it must be hell to have to live in a care center being so young. I just don't know what the answer is - to resolve the guilt I feel in having to put him in a care center in the first place.

A wise person once reminded me that, in an airplane emergency, they tell you to tend to your OWN air supply first before attempting to help anyone else, even your own small children!!! This image has helped me to take care of my own needs w/o feeling guilty. You can be of no service to anyone if you are not allowed to "breathe." If you are depleted, there is nothing left to give. Tell Mom, "Because I love you, I'm taking care of ME today so I will be better able to take care of YOU."

well I take care of my dad he 86 canot work have no one to give me a brake hes vet they even told me u have to get a way sometime to continue to heip a day few hours remind them if possible if you get sick then you can not care for them the state will take them to home were you cannot care for them or protect

KariSue, what did your husband do to himself that his health is so poor at such an early age? My husband abused drugs until he had a stroke at the age of 49.