When I take time out to be with friends, my mom seems a little resentful. How do I handle the guilt?

I wouldn't feel guilty. If you take time out for yourself, you will be a better caregiver. I'm sure your mother may have felt guilty too when she was raising you and couldn't be there all the time.

My mother gets upset whenever I'm on my cell phone. It's ok for her to talk on the phone but if I'm on the phone - all is lost. I tried this - when she started to fuss at me yesterday (after I had taken her on an out of town trip to shop & she had a great day & we met up w/2 of my friends who love to be around her & oh- did I say we were gone from 1:15pm - 11pm) when I was on the phone for 30 mins on the 1hr45min drive back - It old her in a calm voice " don't do that to yourself- you are making yourself look bad right now" & reminded her that she uses the phone also w/o any comment from me. That is all I said. She stopped & got on another subject becuase I guess she actually thought about how absurd hercomplaint was. I get so fed up. I love my mother but I'm tired

Pamela sue
I am a very nice person. I was trying to reach out to the poster. Daughter alone did not seem abused from her own description. She is tired and overwhelmed. In reaching out to her I got cathartic. I was trying to support her need for guilt free personal time.
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I would not provide advise for abuse victims. It is not neither my experience nor my profession. All I can do is wish these folks well. I know it is complex.

If you took offense to the word miserable, for whatever reason there are some very sad people on this site..burnout,bad day, bad relationships, etc.. I personally wish them well but would not take advise from someone who is in a low point of their life.
People in this position need a place to vent, but venting and advice are very different.
I wish you well. I need to point out that it is not very nice to label me unkind for expressing my opinion in respectful manner. The words miserable and bitter were used to describe common points of view that are expressed throughout.


I do sincerely wish you well and hope you have a better resource than this blog to deal with the abuse issues you described.

Peace out

Wow! Must really be nice. I know some people who do really seem to like their mothers and I know people who say they do but their actions don't back it up. It's hard to admit that you don't like a parent because you're supposed to. That's how "normal" families operate. I know my mother loves to be pitied. Maybe I need to try that. I'm tired of pity, but it might be worth a try.

Just a question from someone with a normal nice mother. Would it be helpful to try to substitute pity for guilt? Someone you pity deserves some care, but doesn't deserve to control you.

Normal people want their offspring to be happy, so there is something wrong with parents that want their adult children to cater to them. I have a mother like that. She is a very unlikable person. Sorry to say. I wish I liked her. It would be much easier to be around someone if they were at all nice to you. She lives with me too. She's 91, and this is only getting worse with dementia. I am learning to get away and let the guilt trips roll off my back. At least I am learning how not to be.

You said it very nicely Pamela Sue. I know that folks would certainly prefer to be coming from a place of Love... instead of bitterness... but that's why the bitterness, because of not having that love and support... takes a while to learn Love, on one's own. But all are trying... which is why folks gather here.

I have seen my mother actually keep my sisters (who are in their 70s) from going to lunch with friends. She would say "What if someone comes to the door?"

I don't stand for it and she doesn't do it so much to me, but she knows who she can control.

I agree Pamela Sue, encouragement does work better. I am tired of those that think they must add more shame to a guilt ridden soul as is. I am trying to free myself from the bondage of others expectations, I am winning.

lsmiami, that's great for you, but not everyone had good parenting. Some of us were abused as children, as adults, or both. Some of us are learning these lessons now by parenting ourselves.

We may know what we need to do, but it doesn't mean it's something we are ready to do yet, or are even capable of. Some of us are capable of the separation, or the taking of a break, but not all can live without the guilt. So be nice. Encouragement works better.

I hate this but, the fact is my mother has no life and she wants to suck the life I have out of me. She is like an emotional vampire, ever been around someone that makes you feel drained, well this is her.

I have found that if I can separate the emotion from the fact,it is easier to handle everything. I mean, yes, she WANTS you there all the time, but the fact is that you CANNOT be there every minute, and the fact is also that you HAVE TO take time for yourself so that you can be there for her. The emotions tell you that "you need to be there to help her or take care of her,what if something happens???" and "you shouldn't enjoy yourself while she is home feeling like you abandoned her, etc......." The emotions have to be set aside and deal with life purely by fact (at those times).

Meowserkat, is it possible for you to hire a caregiver to be with her at her home a few hours a day at least to give yourself a break? It's too much on your plate.......and you are feeling unappreciated because of the burden on you not to mention a hypercritical demanding mother!! Please stop being so hard on yourself!!

My mother was that way before she required 24/7 care. She's not so against me going anywhere, these days, just that I never do. My brother said, "you wanted to do this, now you're crying, oh poor me! I said, it's not oh poor me, it's just that I am tired, physically and mentally, even emotionally. And I pointed out that all caregivers need down time. She does, however, like for me to be in the same room with her... watching the same television shows... she is getting better, though, I must say. Mother was always active, before the accident, so there are plenty of social events to keep her in touch with friends. I hope you keep time for yourself. I am thinking about getting her a nerf basketball set for the house...

There are a lot of miserable people on this site, many because they were unable to draw boundaries and maintain a personal life and identity. Caregiving can consume you.


I loved my dad, I miss him. For 3 years I visited him almost every day, I made him my main priority, took him to shows, restaurants and casinos. Ran errands with him, made sure he had everything he needed medically and emotionally. He was 93 yo Amputee due to a clog resulting in gangrene, no dementia.
I did not live with him, my mother did, but I helped her through it.

From the beginning I kept my Saturday nights reserved for my boyfriend. My dad supported me, if I was generous and loving to him, it is largely due to the fact this is what he taught me. My dad taught me unconditional love his entire life through example. My boyfriend put up with my sadness and lack of attention for 3 years. Sometimes I think God brought this man into my life 1year before my dad got sick to lessen the blow.

Through his last day dad remained extremely supportive of my career, my relationships and my life and general well being. I share my personal details so you can see my opinion comes from a position of love, not bitterness.

Please enjoy your Sundays, nurture your relationships, your interests. Care for and about your mother, but do not accept the guilt for holding on to a piece of yourself.
I know My dad would approve.

Take care
L

Thanks, Jinx, for the smile! Also, thank you for being here when I so desperately needed to vent! Hopefully, tomorrow will be a better day...I'm just tired.

Meowserkat,
Try this - Commiserate with your mother that she has to suffer from such a useless child. Tell her that if she had been a better mother you would have turned out perfect, like she is. Then duck.

Oh..I really needed to read this postings tonight. I am so tired...next month will be 9 years that I've been at my mother's beck and call. Being the only child doesn't help, either. I fear that the 'G' word (guilt) is tattooed on my soul! My mother still can stay in her home with her 'medic alert' pendant. For that, I am thankful. But, I make the 12 mile roundtrip at least twice a day...and I spend almost every afternoon of my life there...from 1pm to past 5pm many days. It's exhausting. I have to get up early each day and drive out there to move her oxygen from the bedroom to her sitting room. In the evenings when I am leaving, I move it back to the bedroom. Today, I moved it to the kitchen table for a few hours while I played Scrabble games with her. When I moved it back to her sitting area, I forgot to plug it in....a cardinal sin!!! Instead of telling me...she waits until I go to the kitchen to do some chores and when I come back to the sitting area, she's in the corner...trying to find her way out back to her chair and it was apparent that it was a hard task without the use of her walker, which doesn't fit in tight places. To fully understand the dynamics behind this, you have to know how some can wield guilt like a sword! Oh, I immediately apologized for forgetting to plug it in...to which I just got the 'look'! It's the look that is reserved for those mortal souls who share the 'incompetence gene'. There is no room in my mother's world for incompetence! The message was clear....if I can't do it correctly...she will risk broken bones to do it herself! I'm tired....I'm 67 years old now..and haven't had a day off since my Godmother (who was my mother's only living sibling) passed away suddenly last year. I've suggested getting a sitter occasionally, but that's met with enough opposition and venom to put one into a total guilt meltdown that would be hard for any tired caregiver to ever get over. So, what's a wimp of a caregiver to do??? It's a no win situation. I do sometimes long for a day to myself...but knowing how I've been conditioned to take on that yoke of guilt, I doubt that I could find the energy to enjoy that day if I ever get one. I'm not asking for advice...I feel that there are probably no lifelines left for me...just needed to vent a bit, before I go to bed, so that I can get up tomorrow and do it all over again.

I completely understand. I do not take care of my mother as she is 800 miles away from me but I get the guilt daily. She still lives in the town that I was born in so I have lots of friends there that I do not get to see except when I visit. I spend the majority of the time in the house with her when I visit but I do want to see a few close friends and when I make the plan she immediately starts to sulk and say that "I thought you came here to be with me?". She has always been like this and she is lucky to have plenty of friends and visitors every day but when I am there she wants me and no one else. That should make me feel loved but just makes me feel smothered! I certainly understand how hard it is but you are doing so much for her daily that you deserve a break!

Thanx for all those encouraging words..... I'm feeling alittle sandwiched right now, carrying for my 93 yr old mother and 8 month old grandson plus I work full time. But I pray every day for strength...I've got a great husband that helps when he can and I do get some relief but not much... I am grateful that she (my mom) still wants to get out and ride and get around. Thats a blessing but I do appreciate the comment re put your own device on first then you can help someone else... Sounds kind selfish but gotta put you first then you can help. Love this forum and website so many good tips and advice. :)

It started out with back problems and he had to go on disability at age 36. Then he got clinical depression, anxiety and other mental health problems. He has had 4 back surgeries, kyphosis in his back which makes him walk skewed to the right side. He walks with a walker and falls when his legs "give out." He also has COPD (the frequent bronchitis variety - he has never smoked), high blood pressure, sleep & central apnea and some memory loss. He also broke his neck in 2009 and had 3 neck surgeries. He had a slight stroke right after he entered the care center and it damaged his eyes. He sees double and sees doors closing in and sometimes he sees animals running in front of his face. The doctor said all these are symptoms of the eye condition he has (I don't know what it is called). The eye surgeon gave him a prism he wears on his glasses, but it doesn't help much. He will have eye surgery next month. It will be his 16th surgery. A neurologist told us that he thinks a lot of my husband's problems comes from the long-term use of too much medicine (he takes a boatload of medicine).

Please Daughteralone and KariSue and everyone, TAKE CARE OF YOURSELVES FIRST and don't ever LET yourself feel guilty for it. Because you have done nothing wrong.

You cannot keep giving of yourself, if you do not put into your OWN bank. You can try of course, but at some point you will come up dry. Trust me, you don't want to go there. It's a sad and scary place, and there is no one there to take care of you.

If you begin to hear those little voices in your head telling you that you are being selfish or mean, tell them to STFU! If there are any people in your life telling you that you are mean and selfish, tell them "I" said to STFU!

Even the very nicest and sweetest and kindest patient in the world can suck the life out of you. TAKE A DAY OFF. TAKE 2 or more if you can. If you have a crabby nasty patient, TAKE 3 or more, or just haul them out to the trash on Monday. ROFLMFAO!!!

KariSue, you are giving your husband an awful lot of your time. I suspect you are the one paying for his being in the hospital by working fulltime. Give yourself a break honey!!! I know you love him, but Please for the sake of your physical and emotional health take either Saturday or Sunday ENTIRELY for yourself! Maybe consider only 1 phone call a day as well? I think if you continue on like this you may break down. Then who would care for your husband? For certain there would be no one to take care of you.

KariSue, what did your husband do to himself that his health is so poor at such an early age? My husband abused drugs until he had a stroke at the age of 49.

well I take care of my dad he 86 canot work have no one to give me a brake hes vet they even told me u have to get a way sometime to continue to heip a day few hours remind them if possible if you get sick then you can not care for them the state will take them to home were you cannot care for them or protect

A wise person once reminded me that, in an airplane emergency, they tell you to tend to your OWN air supply first before attempting to help anyone else, even your own small children!!! This image has helped me to take care of my own needs w/o feeling guilty. You can be of no service to anyone if you are not allowed to "breathe." If you are depleted, there is nothing left to give. Tell Mom, "Because I love you, I'm taking care of ME today so I will be better able to take care of YOU."

My husband went to live in a care center a year and a half ago at age 55. Because of all his health and mobility problems and medication management, he needs more care than a wife who works full-time can give him. Of course he would rather be at home, but I can't retire for about 10 years. What keeps him going is dreaming of the time he can come home when I retire. He deals with clinical depression and anxiety. The nurses tell me he gets real "needy" right after I leave. He is getting used to the idea that I come to see him on Tuesdays and Thursdays after work and on Saturday and Sunday afternoons. On Saturdays and Sundays he wants to either come over to my place (10 miles away) or he wants me to take him out shopping or whatever. The days I come see him he wants me to bring my meals with me or eat what he is having. The three work days that I go home after work I do household work, then usually fall asleep in my chair, some times without eating dinner. He calls me twice every evening, even the days I visit him. He leaves messages on my cell phone during my work day too. He is always so appreciative when I visit. I visit him for about 30 minutes on Tuesdays and Thursdays and about 4 hours each (more when he comes over) on Saturdays and Sundays and talk to him about 30-40 minutes every evening, I seem to never have any time for myself. I feel guilty about not spending more time with him, as I am always thinking that it must be hell to have to live in a care center being so young. I just don't know what the answer is - to resolve the guilt I feel in having to put him in a care center in the first place.

I have come to realize that childishness, jealousy and immaturity all surface at this age - whether they have been like this all their lives (like mine) or not. They have this notion that since they are our mothers, we owe them, and they own us and we should do whatever they say, and want.
Mine still bosses me and I am in my sixties, for Heaven's sake!! There is no end to it, and no telling her (politely or otherwise) will make it end. I do not cop to this idea that it is them being afraid to relinquish their independence, etc etc etc. That's all B.S.!!
They seem to become so self-centred, self-serving and plain downright selfish and it appears that those who have lived alone for a long time behave the worst. Plus the more you give to them, the more they expect. I find that with mine, if I do something a certain way one time, she just expects - and demands - it like that always.
Even in my own home, everything to her is "my" and "mine". She believes that all the groceries are hers ("What's happened to all MY bananas?") and that she is entitled to everything ("Where is the rest of MY newspaper?" {doesn't even pay for it} ). Why one day I caught her wearing my slippers, and when I asked her why, she says "oh, yours are warmer than mine". They went right in the garbage!!
And by the way ImageIMP, I get the same crap - if I go out with my daughter I come home to a fabricated health crisis, or snarky remarks "What happened - did you buy the store out? You were gone forever" never mind that SHE goes out whenever she wants, for however long she wants etc. We caregivers just aren't allowed the same luxury -- because THEY won't let us have it!!
At least you get that you are a good daughter. I get nothing!!

I just wish I had friends for my mother to complain about! She told me today that I should be glad that I have friends come over at night when she is in bed? What???? I guess she hears the tv and this is my friends coming over for the night. I remember when she was telling tales to her neighbors that I had two men coming over every night. What? Where the heck are they, I'd love to meet these guys, believe me! I just guess I am having a way way bit too much togetherness with her, she has been out of the day center for the last three days, and I have gone bonkers.

My mom will chase my guests out of the house if they stay for longer than an hour, most of them understand, and some don't ever come back

Boy do I relate to you with this! My Mom (93) lives with me, and is very bright mentally but has a lot of health problems that limit her life outside of the house (she uses a walker and her legs are weak with very bad circulation; she is also legally blind, although with macular degeneration she can still see enough peripherally to get around and even read - slowly with large fonts - from the Kindle Fire I got her), The bottom line, though, is that I am her primary/only outlet and company (she's not the "joiner" type, and it's hard for her to get out, anyway). I'm sure it's not a conscious thing, but she does get resentful when I go out or do things with my friends (I'm 63), and I am starting to hesitate about doing things because of the "Hell to pay" when I get home. ("I'm glad you have friends you can do things with, but your dogs did nothing but bark the whole time you were gone and drove me nuts!" or "you were late getting home to feed the dogs; they need stability and a schedule and if you can't properly take care of them you shouldnt have them", etc.,) I show dogs (also an issue to get away), and trust me that my dogs (3) are NOT neglected. She also hits me with lists of all the things she needs done and I'm not taking care of - like cleaning her closet out and organizing her drawers. Frankly, just "busy work" that can take up my time and keep me here. She doesn't seem to realize (or appreciate?) that the majority of my life is consumed with taking care of her needs - meals, managing medications, LOTS of laundry because of continence issues ("I just don't like those adult panties! I'll use pads, and sorry if sometimes they don't work...," LOTS of doctors' appointments, just day-to-day living issues). She often tells me how I'm "such a good daughter and she doesn't know what she'd do without me!", but sometimes I just feel it's patting me on the head to keep me compliant. I feel so bad about her shrinking world, but also feel bad about my own passing life... I also worry about who will/can be there when I'm older and need help, because I have almost no other family and no kids...