When do we stop hoping for "Thank You?"

"If I hurt her feelings, I hear about it for years. No lie!"
Never mind hurt feelings, ANYTHING you might have done you hear about it for years - only the negative (in their minds) things, not something positive you did!

"I haven't nor will I say one word to her."
I never did, at least not to her face (or my dad), but oh boy, could I VENT! There is really only one thing I did bring up, a few years ago. My mother had called me a freak. It really hurt so much to have this said to me and I never forgot it. When I did mention it, her response was only that she didn't remember that. So I said of course not, because it didn't hurt you to say it, it only hurt me to hear it. No comment. Now with dementia there's no way to address any of the masty things she said or did.

"My feelings maybe silly. Maybe wrong. But my feelings were hurt. I don't often indulge in the "My" thing."
No, they are not silly or wrong. It hurts, especially when this comes from your own mother. From someone else, blow it off, but to have your mother say/do these things, yes, they do hurt. You DO have feelings.

As far as expecting thank yous, I don't even need that from others, although it is welcome if it arrives! I am one who does like to do what I can to help others. If they turn around and slap me for it, I would think twice before offering again, but silence or delayed thanks, I am okay with that. I actually have some neighbors here (moved here 5 years ago, so not long time and we haven't spent much time together) that I have offered to help. They keep trying to give me something in return, sometimes money! I told one if they do that again I will turn a blind eye to their driveway when plowing mine!!! I do it because I can and it was MY idea, not you asking for it! I get satisfaction just knowing I was able to help someone.

While it would be nice for your mom to at the very least acknowledge your thoughtfulness, it doesn't sound like that will happen. Maybe later, if she develops dementia. The staff at mom's place love her, think she's funny and so easy going... Yeah, roll back that tape please?!?!?! :-D

"I swore that I would never parent as my mother did."
As did I and for the most part I DID raise my kids differently than they did AND my kids appreciate it!!! My OB was and still is a HUGE jerk, even to his only child. One time in relating something to her with her BF there, she stopped and said "Can you repeat that?" I think it was good for her to hear that it wasn't HER that was the issue!! I haven't seen or spoken to him in 2 years (thankfully he lives 2 days drive away and isn't likely to come back, even to visit his "beloved" mom.) He was the one who learned from mom and pop - he was physically, verbally and emotionally abusive to me when we were growing up, and he clearly never changed as he actually displayed these (including physically throwing me on the floor twice) behaviors during that last trip here. DONE with him! YB is 10 years younger, so he was the "baby", later in life kid and more coddled, so his girls were raised that way. I feel so bad for the nieces. Sure, I could be the meanest mother in the east, but for GOOD reason!

Anyway, we all appreciate and thank you for your attempts at kindness. Maybe make some extra baskets for other residents who don't have thoughtful family to cater to them! Bet you would get a LOT of Thank Yous!!! Mom can still get hers, but maybe if she sees how grateful the others are... We can always hope, eh??? :-D

Good morning xrayjobid:
Just read your issues. Praise for contacting your Aunt every other day, that is a lot to do. Try remembering that we do things because it should we "want to" not because we feel we "must". When our actions are driven by "I have to do this -- it is required of me", then we are no longer treating ourselves well. Ask yourself why you are being the one who stays in contact. That answer, if you are REALLY truthful with yourself will give you other answers.

Now I feel it is important that I address some other pieces I read in your statements. You said that "She has no mental decline". Yet she forgets you call every other day, and is asking to go home. You deflect these topics, which is important to do, so they won't feel bad. But these are both signs (Large red flags) that there is serious mental decline. Ask the caretakers about this. It can (at this time) be done over the phone. Have her primary care check this out.

This can sometimes make things more difficult for us as caregivers, but we can learn different ways to deal with our relative/friend, which can give both of us a much better perspective on their reactions to things we do for them. My mother would say "thank you" - "I Love You" over and over again, but never once act as if she meant it. Again another example of "mental decline". Please check this out for your own mental health.

Good luck and remember family caregivers are a very special group of people and need to find our "thank yous" for ourselves. Take care and good luck

Know that your mother has a thoughtful daughter even if she is unable to appreciate that fact. Now make a lovely, thoughtful basket for yourself and enjoy it.

Don't expect a thank you. Know in your kind heart that you've done the right thing/the good thing. You cannot change another person. Blessings to you.

I don't know if you will ever hear the actual words, "Thank You", from your mother or anyone you go out of your way to help. In a perfect world, it should be expected, but we don't live in a perfect world. I guess we do things that we do to feel right about ourselves, and that says a lot about who we are. There are so many people who care only about themselves and gave up caring for others because of this very reason. Then there are people who continue to do, maybe not for someone to say thank you, or to put them on a pedestal and share what they do to the world, but because something inside of us just won't let us rest unless we make sure do what we do for someone who needs it. If it wasn't as important to us to do for someone as it is to them to expect us to do it, we wouldn't do it. Do you feel good when you do for your mother? Would you feel better if you just forgot, and let the day pass without letting her know you cared? It's all about how you feel. Your just cursed with that nagging conscience that won't allow you to feel whole, without earning it. You will get your thank you, someday. I have to believe that, cause I never got mine while my mother was alive, but I know she was thankful in the end. I kept my promise to her, and that's what counts.

When do you stop waiting for a 'thank you'...right now. If you want to do something nice for someone, do it because you like to, nit because they will say thank you. For years I'd send my brother and his family gifts because I wanted to. My parents would tell me to stop and 'What do they do for you?' and I told them I did because I wanted to not for thanks or a return gift. My mom had Alz and I helped my dad care for her...no thanks there...now I live with him and when he does (on that rare occasion) compliment me he follows it with at least 3 or 4 complaints about me (the kitchen counter is sticky, I put the pots and pans away in the wrong spot etc.) So one day I told him that it would be perfectly alright to compliment me and NOT give me a bunch of complaints afterwards. If he couldn't do that I'd prefer NOT to have him give me ANY compliments. He was stunned that I said that (I tend to be passive and non-confrontational). I've only gotten 1 compliment since then....LOL!

In a way, a thank you is easy to say but doesn't mean much. My own demanding unappreciative mom will say thank you now and then, and I guess that is worth something, but doesn't mean a whole lot when the rest of the time she is claiming how little I do, even though I do a lot, how wrong I do it, and how much more her friends kids do for her

I guess I have long since had to accept she will never change and it sounds like in your case you will never get a thank you.

What you did for your mom was very special. Kudos for being so thoughtful! I’ve expressed your overall concern a time or two as well, and my cousin commented that maybe that’s how my mom felt the many times I’d forgotten to thank her... got me thinking anyway! You gave to be kind, not for a big thanks, so know you’re a really wonderful daughter, even if it’s not always acknowledged in a visible way.

xray,

What kind of massage do you get? My husband has had two shoulder surgeries. One on each shoulder. I read an article on healing and massage therapy. It was interesting. I want him to try massage. It’s been awhile since his surgery and he’s finished with his physical therapy.

How beneficial do you feel massages are? He had rotator cuff surgeries. Before his surgeries he was in a lot of pain and had limited mobility. Do you find that massage helps with mobility?

The short answer is: we stop looking for appreciation when
. . . we realize the brain chemistry is changed and the person you once knew and the relationship you once had is gone, or at the minimum changed.
. . . we stop looking when we know the person cannot provide empathy and appreciation because of their changing brain.
. . . we learn to get the support from our self (knowing we are doing what is right, for us, individually, and give our self a 'thank you xxx (your name), saying it out loud and really feeling it.
. . . we reach out to our networks of extended family and friends and tell them what we need so they can provide it (appreciation, reaffirming what and all that you are doing, etc.) Some people will have to be informed of what you need - don't be shy about telling them exactly what you need and want from them - to reflect back to you to 're-fill your heart and psyche'.
. . . I acknowledge you and all that you are doing and I THANK YOU. I speak on behalf of all of us here on this site (I feel I can safely and accurately do).

You say one thing then contradict it. If she keeps asking but doesn’t remember that IS a sign of mental decline. Do you know for sure she got the basket? Maybe the wine wasn’t such a good idea for someone with mobility issues and it wasn’t given to her.

Pardon me for being blunt but if the reason you do things for a parent is anything other than to make them happy maybe it’s time to stop. Give unconditionally with no expectations and you will be a much happier person. As parents age they become more and more focused on themselves and will acknowledge your gifts less and less. Please try to be happy and satisfied that you did something nice for them. This will be a long journey, be prepared.
love and light

I have had a thought recently. I try so hard to give my mom what I think will make her happy, make life easier, etc. Our lives have suffered a huge loss since dad passed. Maybe what I value, what I think should help, isn't what she needs now. So, I decided yesterday that I'm going to ask her what she prefers me to do, what is it she feels would make it better. Sometimes we spend a lot of time doing what we think someone should like without considering that it may not mean the same to them.

It has taken a while to realize that my LOWD will never say thank you.
It has taken longer to realize my sibs will never.
Keep going do your best and thank yourself

I had to move in with my mother for 4 months so she could have 24 hr supervision to take a medication. What an eye opener. I found she was one way when I just stopped in but a completely different person while living with her. Her mood swings were nasty and combative. So I’m thinking I’m doing all the right things for her care and comfort and kicking myself and feeling guilty that she’s not happy. I was finally able to move out and back home with my husband. I got an appt with a psychologist and finally, finally realized I was doing everything right all along and there isn’t anything more I can do that will make her happy.

i just finished a year of renovations at my home, renovating her home, cleaning out all her stuff to move her in with us, and putting our things in storage because she just couldn’t be on her own anymore. Everyday I don’t do anything right but she’s safer in her little apartment here with us.

I have chronic pain and not Suzy Sunshine a lot of days but I stay away from her unless she needs me which she doesn't, she says.

She loves my husband and I now have a caregiver to come in three days a week for 3 hours each day hoping she can get mom outside on the porch or deck or to take a walk or a ride. Maybe help mom to use her recliner controls and stair lift. She won’t let me help her.

you may never get a thank you but know you’re doing everything right. Find a good therapist and another caregiver to not only get you out but to back you up, to her (if she’s aware enough to reason that) on everything you’re doing for her.

You may never hear thank you, did you thank your parents when you were too young to understand? They did what they could to help you and hopefully keep you safe and healthy. It's your turn now and as a human, again hopefully with compassion you can care for them knowing it's the right thing to do.

At some point you'll understand that just because they are a parent, they also have a mixed bag of defects. Its up to you ( as I did in my late 40's) to accept what you can and adjust your behavior to what is not acceptable anymore for you. Maybe its time to quit running around for ungrateful parents? Maybe ask yourself is there something that would take less energy and get the same result? Best of luck to you. I know where you are at with this.

When I was growing up, I didn't thank my parents for everything they did for me. I didn't appreciate it, and I guess I thought it was my due. My mom rarely thanks me now, if ever. Sometimes I'm on the receiving end of a temper that has become more frayed as her health continues to decline. It hurts. But what keeps me going for my mom is that this is my appreciation to her for all the times I didn't thank her. She thinks it's her due, and she's right.

As caregivers we are constantly exhausted ourselves and trying to hold things together in our life. Most of the time we are much younger and therefore unable to truly understand what our parents are going through, how THEY are trying to hold things together while their eyes, ears, mind, energy and so much more is fading and challenging them. At their ages, seeing themselves decline and get old, existing and handling increasing changes in their bodies are all they can deal with. As you age, your resilience and abilities really change so much. They ARE grateful for our help and care. We need to try to see through their eyes- being dependent on others, worrying about their future demise, etc etc are HUGE concerns we do not understand how much of their mind is focused on. I cared for Mom for over 25 years and she passed away weeks ago. As exhausting and trying as it was, I'd give anything to have her back. One day your loved one won't be here- for now, just keep loving them and try to understand things from their perspective. You won't believe how it all melts away so quickly and seems like it was a short time afterwards.

I'll tell you something funny about, "Thank you." One day when my mom was in an Alzheimer's-induced "mood," I gave her some lunch. I, too, was hoping for a "thank you," and I put my tongue between my teeth to make the "th" sound to give her an idea of what to say, but what she said was, "Not now." Well, several years later, I was tutoring a kid, and we were working on "y" sounds, and I was trying to get him to say the word, "yes." I said, "If I asked you if you wanted some ice cream, what would you say," and he said, "Thank you." I got my "thank you" after all.
I even wrote about our experiences taking care of my mom in a book called, "My Mother Has Alzheimer's and My Dog Has Tapeworms: A Caregiver's Tale." R. Lynn

I want to say Thank You. Thank you for sharing. Thank you for your kindness and generosity. Thank you for doing what you believe to be right. Thank you for honoring your loved ones. Thank you for being you. Thank you for not giving up. Thank you for the spirit within yourself. It takes courage, strength to do what is right even when not appreciated. Now....I'll take a few minutes and read what others have written. Thank you!

I read what others have written and I would like to say Thank you for all the responses you have gotten. I've had a problem from a child (I'm 69 this year) and no matter how many times my parents aggressively corrected me - I sometimes forget to say "Thank you" but because I know I do this, I try to make sure I do, but I realize I don't always.

So....I tell my family thank you when they least expect it. I am uniquely designed and I understand I am different - but sometimes I'm so overwhelmed when someone does something kind for me - It's like WOW inside, but I'm hoping I don't forget those two little words. Thank you.

I think everyone would agree we don't do what we do to get a Thank You, we do what we do because we want to do it. Best wishes. Thanks for every one of you who are sharing, reading and there to do the things others can't.

May none of us become complacent in what we do for others.

Is it possible your mother isn't really all that interested in these gifts? Maybe she simply doesn't care about Easter baskets or all the trappings and decorations that go with it, but you would have a better idea of this than we could have. Maybe just giving her the huckleberry gummy bears would be more than enough and actually appreciated more because everything else just distracts her from it.

Do the right things because they are right without looking for "thank you's." When you take actions hoping for appreciation, you may often be disappointed.

Have you ever read Gary Chapman's book about love languages. There are 5: physical touch, quality time, service, words of affirmation, and gifts. We all have a primary love language and probably a secondary as well.

Your aunt seems to be a quality time person and enjoys spending time with you on the phone. She may also be a more grateful person as well. Either way, she expressed thanks - and love - when you talk with her.

Was your mom thrilled to get her Eater basket? Then, gifts is her love language. If so, then the thrill you see on her face is your thanks. especially if words of affirmation is a foreign language to her. If she was only mildly happy, then maybe one of the other love languages is her primary love language - though your Easter basket sounded phenomenal.

Seems your love languages are words of affirmation and gifts. If mom can't/wont speak your love language, it is because those are foreign to her. Not sure if she is capable of using other - your - love languages. Gather other people around you that can, and will, speak your love languages so your love tank is full. A full tank will make your disappointment in your mother less devastating.

It is so hard...we always want our parents approval and acknowledgment.  It's ingrained in us.  I was finally able to let it go about a year ago.  I had lugged moms laundry that I had just washed back to her AL apartment and was in the middle of putting it away when she stood up and said I am going to go sit in the lobby for a bit and she got up and left.  It was like I was the hired help.  She had no inclination to visit with me or at the very least sit with me while I was putting her clothes away or cleaning her apartment.  The reality finally smacked me in the face.  She is no longer the person I knew.  That connection of mother daughter...the 54 years that I have known her have been lost in her demented mind.  I am taking care of the details of her life so she can exist.  The person she was is no longer here and therefore I need to stop looking for that connection, that approval, that appreciation, that relationship.   She is sick and it is my duty as her daughter to do these things and I expect nothing for it...not even a thank you.  Once I accepted the reality of things, it made it easier to swallow.  I know I am a good daughter and I don't need her to tell me. She can no longer tell me.

I am sorry your feelings are hurt.  From what you have said, I don't think it's intentional.  If she can't remember a phone call from one day to the next and she can't remember that she is not going back to her house, there is mental decline and I would chalk up her insensitive behavior to that.

Take care and know that you are a good daughter!

I, too, was raised to be a thoughtful and caring daughter. Ordinarily my mother has the sunniest disposition, but over the years I slowly watched my mother lose her precious independence, and for a long time she took her frustrations out on me. She was always very particular about food because we come from a family of excellent cooks, but it seemed that my meals and grocery shopping always fell short. I also had serious health problems so I did not handle her criticisms too well at the time. But last year I came to accept that her health is going to continue to decline and she feels trapped in her body and isolated in her tiny apartment. I started to view the world through her eyes and finally started to feel compassion for her situation. Since she lives in independent living apartments, I decided that during the holidays, I would not only make her special food gifts and treats, I would also do so for a few of her female neighbors (the ones in close proximity). They, too, were isolated and lonely, missing their children. You can't begin to imagine how appreciative and excited they were over the small treats I provided. As a result, the ladies were more thoughtful and friendly toward my mother, and now they all have become fast friends. They are younger than mom, so they often check up on her now, pick up her mail, and take out her trash. They even share food and desserts with her, using the necessary precautions to protect her from the virus. They call her on the phone to tell her their problems and she gives them advice. She feels needed and valued. Mom has been so much happier now that she feels she is surrounded by people who truly care for her. And now during social distancing, she is one of the few people who is handling her situation well with a surprisingly positive attitude. She also is so proud of me for being kind to her friends. I still do as much as I can for her as far as groceries and errands go, and I can no longer enter her apartment, which is hard. I know this doesn't solve everyone's problems with their parents, but if they have decent people in the adjoining rooms/apartments, maybe doing things for them (or for the nursing staff) might wind up helping your mom and make her less dependent on your calls and visits, taking some of the pressure off of you. As far as her saying "thank you", it's up to you to call her and tell her that you love her and miss her, but that even though you make a major effort to bring her special gifts and treats, you feel that she doesn't appreciate your efforts, and that it really hurts your feelings. Know that she's not thinking of you and your feelings right now; she's just feeling sorry for herself. If, after you've spoken honestly to her, and she still is miserable, then you'll need to start taking more time for yourself; nurture yourself so that you have the energy to do what needs to be done for your Mom. Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.

It gets worse. Do what you feel you should do and do the best you can.

I understand completely and sorry to say I have been battling with this for years! I am in my 60s and constantly TRY to lower my expectations but the truth is however old they are and however old you are, they always have the power to hurt because they are our parents. I think the best we can do is be different with our own children. I know I am. xx

I am feeling the same way. My Mom, 88 years old, has recently decided she doesn’t want potatoes, no lunch meat at lunch, doesn’t want pasta “every day”....so I ask her what she wants and she says she doesn’t know! I am so tired of cooking and get very upset when she acts ungrateful for the awesome nutritional meals I prepare. I wish someone would cook for me every day. I too am in my 50’s and wonder how much more I can take.

Good advice here. Intrinsic motivation is obviously why you are a giving person. So do whatever you do without expectations from the other person(s). Don't let others influence what you want to do for them. It took me 50 years to realize that my mother would never be thankful, instead expected and often demanded what I chose to do for her. I'm 64 now and the last 14 years have been better since I accepted what she could give to me and developed and kept the boundaries that keep me from allowing her to get to me as much as she used to. Build a strong support system among your family and friends and counseling does help. Your mother seems to have some narcissistic tendencies like my mother. At 50, that is another revelation that helped me understand, accept, and love her without losing myself. Knowledge is power, so learn as much as you can about your mother, yourself, and your dynamic so you can develop healthy boundaries. It takes time and determination, but it will help you enjoy your last years with her. I wish you and everyone on this journey the best!

You stop expecting "Thank you" when you have accepted that your LO is as she is and she is not going to change no matter how much you do for her. It will never be enough nor good enough.

You are still young in your 50s. I am 82. My mother was like that all her life -106 years. I don't remember exactly when I accepted it, but eventually I did. I am sure I was older than you. I finally realized that she wasn't going to change and that I needed to emotionally and physically distance myself for my own mental health. It still wasn't easy but it was better. ((((((hugs)))))