When do we stop hoping for "Thank You?"

I think we always appreciate someone at least acknowledging our efforts despite the circumstances. But what’s that old saying...
“The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again, but expecting different results."
To me you have to decide that you are doing what you do for yourself. That you enjoy giving a nice gift. How she chooses to behave is on her. She may have lost the ability to be grateful. It’s a terrible loss for her.
I’ve told this story before about my old mom. She would be fussing from the moment I arrived. So I told her I wanted to hear one nice thing before she started complaining. So the next week when I came in with all her food and supplies she said “It’s good to see you .,..I guess”. It was so unexpected. All of it. I burst out laughing and gave her a hug. That was the best she could do so I took it. But I had to ask for it. She must have thought about what I had said all week. I could tell it was a real effort. The “I guess” was my favorite part. It was so honest and vulnerable. Sometimes I think very old age is easier for the ones with dementia. I wish I had the chance to hug her again.
xrayjodib, I would say you buy her gifts because you love her and let it go at that. She can’t give you what she doesn’t have.

Hi jodib-
Is your avatar bigfoot with ppe? lolzzzz so funny! If not, well, that's what I get for putting off an eye exam. I need reading glasses dang it.

I don't know your history with your mom, but what you did for her today was lovely, thoughtful and generous. What are huckleberry gummies? They sound delicious. Can you find some satisfaction is knowing that you did a kind thing, even though it wasn't acknowledged?

I had a decent day. Like you, I went shopping (mask, no gloves, a Clorox wipe in my hands at all times) for Easter stuff for mom. No basket, but clean laundry, chap stick, and lots of chocolate. She's in a NH, so no flowers or booze (because allergies and opioids). I stood outside her window and we chatted by phone - she only has partial hearing in her right ear, so it sounds like we are both screaming into megaphones. My throat is raw. :)

Hi xrayjodib,

My father has always expected gifts for his birthday, Christmas and Father's Day.
The last time I remember him buying me a gift is when I was 14, (I'm in my 50's now). For many years he has ignored my birthday, and ruined Christmas for the family by always being drunk.
Last year I felt I'd had enough. Usually there was a run up to these events, with him starting a month earlier, telling me what he wanted for the particular occasion. Last year I told him I was done buying him gifts. He was upset and demanded to know why, so I told him. He never said thank you and would trash the gift a few days later. I was sick of the game.
So he didn't get any gifts, for Christmas, his birthday or Father's Day. He was hurt for a day and wouldn't speak to me. I didn't care.
What I realised was this was his way of upsetting me (I firmly believe my father is a narcissist, he constantly plays power games) and when I stopped turning up to be hurt, there was no game to play.
I didn't feel guilty, I felt relief. That was over. Giving to someone who couldn't say thank you.
You did a very kind thing for your Mother, but be just as kind to yourself. Don't put yourself out there for someone to hurt you. It's an awful game and someone has to stop playing.
Enjoy yourself this Easter.
Be kind to yourself.

What a nice gift! Find satisfaction in the giving. Maybe she just forgot. I will admit i do sometimes. Don't do it for the thanks, appreciation or praise. Do it for yourself.

Xrayjodib, your Easter basket sounds lovely and creative. I hope you had fun pulling it together. (The fresh flower adornment got me!) I also gave gifts that were not appreciated or even acknowledged. For years, I did it for the self-satisfaction of a creative task, well executed. Eventually, though, this got old. Why give this type of person yet another way to kick you? Now I give utilitarian gifts (hand soaps, chocolates) just to mark an occasion. No thought or creativity required.

I don't understand people like your mom. If you gave me that beautiful basket, I would probably burst into tears of gratitude. You are a nice person.

Xrayjodib

I love the answers here.

You may want to give up now any hope of gratitude. It seems to gradually vanish as some (though not all) folks age, with or without dementia.

I noticed long before her dementia diagnosis my mom becoming more insular, remote, and self-absorbed. She wasn't interested in the needs, wants, hopes and dreams of those around her; only what impacted her. She has always been self absorbed and lacking in empathy, but sadly she became even more so.

Efforts to bring sunshine to her life (visits, gifts, outings, events) are met with a sense of entitlement, like she deserves it, never considering the time, effort, expense or sacrifice of the giver. There are no thanks. Just guilt trips for not having done it sooner, or outright scorn or rejection of the expenditure of time, love, effort. You get it.

Eighteen solid months of therapy taught me this: Don't do anything for others accompanied by resentment. Do what you want to do willingly, without expectation of thanks or appreciation. Here's what feels right to me; a faith-based approach you can practice or not:

Whatever you do, work heartily, as for the Lord and not for men,knowing that from the Lord you will receive the inheritance as your reward. You are serving the Lord Christ (Colossians 3:23-24).

In caring for my mom, I do what I can do, knowing she will neither appreciate or express thanks. But God knows and understands. And that is what keeps me going.

I know how it feels. ((((Hugs))))

I know it’s off track, but I am truly startled by ‘Happy Good Friday everyone!’. I thought that was for Easter Sunday. Yes, the other answers are much more relevant, and very helpful. Best wishes, everyone.

If Mom had Dementia, I would say chalk not saying thank you up to that. Such a shame isn't it. She has a child who goes out of her way to get her favorite things and she can't say thank you. She can't acknowledge that in spite of it all, someone still loves her. I am sure its a personality flaw/disorder but to live your life like that.

My opinion, if it brings you some joy, then do it and do not expect anything in return. You may never understand her. Believe me I tried with my MIL. I would think I finally understood her and then she would turn the tables on me. She couldn't wait for me to have a baby and then did nothing for her. Chose to move to Fla when M was 4 (we live in NJ). Only grandchild near her. I was mad but then it turned out to be a blessing. Now that I have read posts on here, I think she had a personality disorder as does a SIL. Another one who lives almost 2 days away.

So do what makes you feel good.

From one daughter to another...it is so hard to wrap our brains around the fact that we do xyz for our mothers and they just believe that it is their right and our job to give them what they want and when we do it...it just falls flat! It is hurtful because we were program to ensure our mothers happiness and whatever else they programmed us for. We just want them to appreciate us and what we do for them!!

So how did I stop expecting her to thank me or wanting her to appreciate me? I tell myself that my mother can not give me what she doesn't have. My mother doesn't really love herself so how can she love me! My mother has many personalities disorders and as long as she believes she isn't doing anything wrong then there is nothing I can say or do to get her to believe different. She doesn't have the ability to see what she is doing (no insight)! Does that make sense? Can't change what she doesn't acknowledge! She was this way before dementia!!

I still do things for her because it is the right thing to do, but I don't expect anything from her.

CantDance is right! Do things for the Lord not for people! Just do what you feel is right and what you can live with. But I must warn you, if you decide to do these wonderful gifts and she doesn't thank you you may continue to feel hurt and you will have to remind yourself that it isn't you, but her. That she can't give you what she doesn't have. It takes practice and time!!!

Your Easter basket sounds wonderful! Your a good daughter; probably better then what she deserves. I hope you know that!

Sending you lots of hugs!!! 🐇🐥

When? Today. Stop today.

I will tell my mom, you are welcome. She may say thank you and she may not. I feel like I make the point that it would have been appropriate to say thank you. She knows, it's just a nasty game that she plays, makes her feel powerful or something. Then she can't figure out why I don't do much. Hmmm? I wonder?

Not exactly an answer , but I wonder how many mothers said the same thing about their children .The years they put in ,and we all know that our life’s revolved around our kids .School , Dr’s appts , dentist , birthday parties ,school sports , play dates .The costumes made , the meals cooked , clothes washed , the new clothes every season .The family traditions, we started , the nursing through illnesses , the pets we allowed , and then took care of .Maybe the time we put in is a way of saying thank you , to them . I would love to spoil my mom .

Benny, that is not even remotely close to my reality.

Honestly, moms that treated their children the way you described are far and few between on this forum.

Benny, yeah that's funny. My Mother only did two of all the items you mentioned. Cooked, and washed my clothes. Kinda a basic necessity don't ya think?

We don't all live in your ROSY world Benny.

Just don't expect one xray, I gave up on Thank Yous and I Love You's a long time ago. Just move on. You can move on with her or move on without her. You can literally move on without her, or you can keep seeing her and move on and realize she isn't going to say thank you to you. I suggest seeing a therapist. I am, and it helps.

Xray - I hear you. My Mom is a "what have you done for me lately" kind of gal. Here is how my Mom rolls..."I wish you would make me a lemon meringue pie." I go get the ingredients, spend an afternoon making her the pie and take it to her.... not a "thank you" from her, instead she doesn't want it, she changed her mind, she wants a cherry pie instead. Doh! she got me again!

Don't expect your Mom to change. It's not going to happen and it will eat you alive if you let it. Scale back on what you do for her, way back if you have to and try to laugh about it when you can.

My husband and I get a lot of mileage out of the pie incident. It's now a running joke between us. A random "what no cherry pie?!" gets us laughing every time.

Hang in there. You are not alone.

Benny’s question is interesting, because it does seem that this forum has a high proportion of people with difficult parents. Perhaps more than average? So far as I can see, there are two obvious reasons. First, dementia removes the filters and lets any nastiness shine out. Second, people who have these parent problems get more help and support on this forum than they can often find in other places, so they cluster here (and that’s great!).

There have been other discussions that talk about generational differences, from the 50s particularly, with men who ruled their world or women who were treated like royalty (usually not in the same marriage). Those people are the generation who expect things to be the same as they age, and give their relatives lots of problems. Perhaps we should just all be jealous of Benny, who has clearly had a miraculously sheltered life.

I am starting to learn to not put the effort in because they just don't notice. Maybe one time they felt a brief moment of joy but I no longer see that. We go crazy at Christmas but last year I decided to not get my father too much. It is too much of an overload to him and he really doesn't appreciate it. I was so right, what little we did was more than enough to keep him occupied.

In the past my father would say "Thank You'. I don't think he meant it, he just knew he was supposed to say it. He did not appreciate any efforts I made to make sure he had what he needed.(I also did up a big Easter basket for him and never got a ty) He would ask me to pick him up something and say "Do I owe you anything?"....not "How much do I owe you?". That little word play used to frost me so much. He had a lot of money in the bank and I lived paycheck to paycheck and now he was expecting me to pay for his odds and ends.

My daughter would visit him at assisted living and the next time I was there he would complain that she hadn't been back. I assume he expected her to visit on a weekly basis. My son would visit and barely get acknowledged....because he favored my daughter. People aren't stupid, they see it. The difference is that now the younger generation realize they don't have to put up with poor behavior. My father grew up in a time where you put up with whatever crap you elder generation threw at you.

When you have parents who have never praised you, or made you feel loved just for being you it hurts. Those people don’t change just because they get old.

It sounds as if you have had a lifetime of this, when you are brought up in this kind of emotionally abusive situation, even at 50 our parents can make us feel the same as we were when we were living under their roof, miserable and then we try harder to get the thanks or praise just to be knocked back again.

I would suggest that you accept you will never be thanked, or praised, that your mum won’t ever change.

It will hurt, but when you start accepting things it will also be freeing. Stop going out of your way to make someone who does not appreciate anything you do, happy. You are not a bad person, sometimes we get crappy parents.

Thanks ALL of you for your responses!
After a lot of research, I know that children of narcissistic parents usually become narcissists or over pleasers.
Having been my Moms emotional support dog(sorry for the reference) since I was 12, it's a hard habit to break. I am a work in progress!!
Mom will most likely get worse and I know that.
On a brighter note, I don't know if bigfoot exists, but I love the notion that he could exist!! He's right there with Unicorns and "Thank You"!! Lol
Have a blessed day!!

Please and thank you's go a long way to validate our efforts.
But I did notice there was no "Thank you" anymore. Wondered why, but only briefly. Too busy "taking care of" what I considered to be the patient, an aging relative. (creates a professional distance to think of them as a patient).
So I did not have an answer for your most interesting question, Jodib.
Looked this up for you: (Borrowed from the psychology websites:)
[Appreciate Ourselves]
"It's important to remember that valuing and appreciating ourselves is vital when it’s not forthcoming from others. Expecting or seeking compliments can keep us spinning our wheels and set us up for resentment. But it’s something to cherish when it comes our way, however small it might seem. As Ralph Waldo Emerson reminds us, “The invariable mark of wisdom is to see the miraculous in the common.”
Remember too that if you’re feeling deprived of compliments, you may want to experiment with being more generous in conveying appreciation. In an extraordinary letter written in 1855 from Ralph Waldo Emerson to a young Walt Whitman, Emerson wrote:
“One concentrated effort I’ve made in the past year has been the regular practice of sending notes of appreciation to strangers — writers, artists, varied creators — whose work has moved me in some way, beamed some light into my day. It’s so wonderfully vitalizing for us ordinary mortals to send and receive such little reminders of one another’s humanity — especially in a culture where it’s easier to be a critic than a celebrator. “
It can feel good to float appreciation toward others. And it just might lead to more compliments drifting your way."

So, I was thinking. Specifically about the incident of talking to your Mom through the window. And a staff member handing her your gift. A lot going on at once. If ever there was a time to thank you, even just a wave and a smile, this would have been it. But if your Mom was 100%, she couldn't for some reason.

Changing our expectations of aging parents may help you.

I have noticed, as there is cognitive decline, the person can often turn to mimicking, copying, or repeating as a way to cope and keep communicating. So if your Mom heard others around her saying "thank you", she might take it up.

But then, the pitiful thought is that: It won't count as a real thank you, because she no longer understands the meaning. She might just as well have thanked the staff member for giving it to her.

When all is said and done, it was you, sweet jodib, standing outside Mom's window to show your love, and bring her a thoughtful gift. That speaks volumes, not only about who you are, but who your Mom may have been in the past, as a mother.
So thank you, speaking for all the mothers out there who no longer say thank you.

Your efforts are extraordinary, xrayjodib. I can only hope to get a call if ever I am sitting in a nursing home or to get an Easter Basket with fresh flowers in old age.

You stop expecting "Thank you" when you have accepted that your LO is as she is and she is not going to change no matter how much you do for her. It will never be enough nor good enough.

You are still young in your 50s. I am 82. My mother was like that all her life -106 years. I don't remember exactly when I accepted it, but eventually I did. I am sure I was older than you. I finally realized that she wasn't going to change and that I needed to emotionally and physically distance myself for my own mental health. It still wasn't easy but it was better. ((((((hugs)))))

Good advice here. Intrinsic motivation is obviously why you are a giving person. So do whatever you do without expectations from the other person(s). Don't let others influence what you want to do for them. It took me 50 years to realize that my mother would never be thankful, instead expected and often demanded what I chose to do for her. I'm 64 now and the last 14 years have been better since I accepted what she could give to me and developed and kept the boundaries that keep me from allowing her to get to me as much as she used to. Build a strong support system among your family and friends and counseling does help. Your mother seems to have some narcissistic tendencies like my mother. At 50, that is another revelation that helped me understand, accept, and love her without losing myself. Knowledge is power, so learn as much as you can about your mother, yourself, and your dynamic so you can develop healthy boundaries. It takes time and determination, but it will help you enjoy your last years with her. I wish you and everyone on this journey the best!

I am feeling the same way. My Mom, 88 years old, has recently decided she doesn’t want potatoes, no lunch meat at lunch, doesn’t want pasta “every day”....so I ask her what she wants and she says she doesn’t know! I am so tired of cooking and get very upset when she acts ungrateful for the awesome nutritional meals I prepare. I wish someone would cook for me every day. I too am in my 50’s and wonder how much more I can take.

I understand completely and sorry to say I have been battling with this for years! I am in my 60s and constantly TRY to lower my expectations but the truth is however old they are and however old you are, they always have the power to hurt because they are our parents. I think the best we can do is be different with our own children. I know I am. xx

It gets worse. Do what you feel you should do and do the best you can.

I, too, was raised to be a thoughtful and caring daughter. Ordinarily my mother has the sunniest disposition, but over the years I slowly watched my mother lose her precious independence, and for a long time she took her frustrations out on me. She was always very particular about food because we come from a family of excellent cooks, but it seemed that my meals and grocery shopping always fell short. I also had serious health problems so I did not handle her criticisms too well at the time. But last year I came to accept that her health is going to continue to decline and she feels trapped in her body and isolated in her tiny apartment. I started to view the world through her eyes and finally started to feel compassion for her situation. Since she lives in independent living apartments, I decided that during the holidays, I would not only make her special food gifts and treats, I would also do so for a few of her female neighbors (the ones in close proximity). They, too, were isolated and lonely, missing their children. You can't begin to imagine how appreciative and excited they were over the small treats I provided. As a result, the ladies were more thoughtful and friendly toward my mother, and now they all have become fast friends. They are younger than mom, so they often check up on her now, pick up her mail, and take out her trash. They even share food and desserts with her, using the necessary precautions to protect her from the virus. They call her on the phone to tell her their problems and she gives them advice. She feels needed and valued. Mom has been so much happier now that she feels she is surrounded by people who truly care for her. And now during social distancing, she is one of the few people who is handling her situation well with a surprisingly positive attitude. She also is so proud of me for being kind to her friends. I still do as much as I can for her as far as groceries and errands go, and I can no longer enter her apartment, which is hard. I know this doesn't solve everyone's problems with their parents, but if they have decent people in the adjoining rooms/apartments, maybe doing things for them (or for the nursing staff) might wind up helping your mom and make her less dependent on your calls and visits, taking some of the pressure off of you. As far as her saying "thank you", it's up to you to call her and tell her that you love her and miss her, but that even though you make a major effort to bring her special gifts and treats, you feel that she doesn't appreciate your efforts, and that it really hurts your feelings. Know that she's not thinking of you and your feelings right now; she's just feeling sorry for herself. If, after you've spoken honestly to her, and she still is miserable, then you'll need to start taking more time for yourself; nurture yourself so that you have the energy to do what needs to be done for your Mom. Hope this helps. Good luck and God Bless.

It is so hard...we always want our parents approval and acknowledgment.  It's ingrained in us.  I was finally able to let it go about a year ago.  I had lugged moms laundry that I had just washed back to her AL apartment and was in the middle of putting it away when she stood up and said I am going to go sit in the lobby for a bit and she got up and left.  It was like I was the hired help.  She had no inclination to visit with me or at the very least sit with me while I was putting her clothes away or cleaning her apartment.  The reality finally smacked me in the face.  She is no longer the person I knew.  That connection of mother daughter...the 54 years that I have known her have been lost in her demented mind.  I am taking care of the details of her life so she can exist.  The person she was is no longer here and therefore I need to stop looking for that connection, that approval, that appreciation, that relationship.   She is sick and it is my duty as her daughter to do these things and I expect nothing for it...not even a thank you.  Once I accepted the reality of things, it made it easier to swallow.  I know I am a good daughter and I don't need her to tell me. She can no longer tell me.

I am sorry your feelings are hurt.  From what you have said, I don't think it's intentional.  If she can't remember a phone call from one day to the next and she can't remember that she is not going back to her house, there is mental decline and I would chalk up her insensitive behavior to that.

Take care and know that you are a good daughter!