What would you do? Mother-daughter friction problem.

I think you answered your own question, when you said that mom is "stressed out, has lost some good friends," and complains that she is tired. I'm sure she is tired and stressed, if she is now the main caregiver for your dad. And the fact that you live far away and your sister that lives close doesn't pitch in, probably makes her feel that she's all alone in this. And that can be a very overwhelming feeling. Unless you've ever been a caregiver, you really can't understand what they go through. She is also probably used to your dad taking care of not only her, but also things in their life, so all this might be new to her.
So I wouldn't take her silence personal. To me it just sounds like she's a bit overwhelmed with everything, and doesn't know where to begin in getting or asking for help. Hopefully when you get there, and can sit down with her face to face, she may open up to you with what her concerns are while caring for your dad.
And just let her know that even though you don't live near that you are willing to do what you can to help. I think she may just need to know that someone is on her side.
I may be way off base on this, but that is the optimist in me speaking. Best wishes.

To be frank it sounds as though your parents are a bit in a position of reaping what they have sown lifelong. I would not be visiting without being told that a visit is welcomed and looked forward to. Your mother has made her own choices and her own life, and to get attention for bad behavior? Let's just say I wouldn't be enabling bad behavior. I would get on with my life and consider myself very lucky to be out of range of her fire for the most part. I WOULD do as you have, a short visit. And you may know more after this visit. Meanwhile do that "list" your Dad has, offer to take them out for a nice dinner, then get back home and enjoy your life. I would feel different about this if your mother was ever kind, nice and welcoming, but as you describe your childhood my impression is that this is nothing new. I am certain your mother is aware of her options. This is her choice. Some love martyrdom, though I think most of don't label them "Saints". I would not speak to her about "is there something wrong. Don't go there. Pretend everything is just hunky dorey. If she has something she needs to regurgitate, let her do it on her own.

I’d spend little time trying to figure out your mom. For whatever reasons she’s chosen this behavior and seems happy with it. Make it a fun visit with your dad, take him out to places you’d both enjoy. Don’t try to include mom or defend yourself to her. Do what you can to help and let them be. Your dad has chosen this marriage so no attempts to disrupt them. I hope you enjoy the visit, don’t take her bait, and have quality time with dad

I don't see your mom as exhibiting bad behavior. I see her as just barely hanging on, and she desperately needs help. Not to put you down, but flying in for three days is less helpful and more of a burden she doesn't need. In essence, even though you say you're there to help, you'll be company more than anything.

It's beyond time to really get to understanding what's going on and what needs to be done for your parents. I'd say you've hit the point where the roles of parent and child are about to switch, so it might be a little bit of a dance to maneuver yourself into the position of decision-maker and take the pressure of decisions off your mom and dad.

I've said it here on this forum many times -- older people have a really hard time making decisions, and they don't multi-task well either. My dad was my mom's caregiver and was seemingly completely competent, but if he accomplished just one thing in a day beyond caring for my mom, it was a win. Unfortunately, that meant that the house never got cleaned, food he'd bought to make dinners in advance rotted in the refrigerator (they also lose their sense of smell as they age, by the way), and bills didn't get paid on time here and there, including the taxes one time.

My dad would have said that he had everything under control for the most part, but he really didn't, and it wasn't until he went down with cancer and I moved in for two months that I realized how bad it really was. Caregiving is all-encompassing, and the caregiver is left feeling exhausted and resentful.

Don't make this a visit to spend time with Dad because you get along with him. Instead, spend time with Mom to really understand what she's dealing with, then after you get home, stay on top of what's going on there and find ways to lighten her load.

Far too much of your post is speculation about what you think your mom is thinking or feeling, but don't really know unless she tells you. Please make a real effort during this visit to ask her and be prepared to LISTEN.

Stress and burnout can come in many forms.
Encourage mom or dad to accept a caregiver at the minimum 1 day a week but 3 would be better. And it can be for as little as 3 or 4 hours or a 7 or 8 hour day. What a big difference a bit of a break can make.
If dad or mom is a Veteran there may be some help the VA can provide.
Their local Agency on Aging may also provide some help or at least a starting point to obtain help.
While you are visiting encourage mom to get out for a bit. Order dinner and you pay for it .
Visiting for a few days may put more pressure on mom. Clean a room, change the sheets, get some of your favorite items in and probably making dinner or 2.

My mom gave me the silent treatment throughout my life for reasons I usually could not figure out. By the time I did understand why she would get so angry, she and my dad were 80 and 81. Then I saw that she was not able to express her emotions when she was tired, ill, or scared. When my dad was sick she needed help, but didn't know how to ask for it, just got angry at me because she had no other outlet for her feelings. It doesn't really make sense, but the ways people react to emotions often do not make sense. And my dad was always pleasant, even when my mom was not speaking to me, and he didn't seem to know why she was angry either. Taking care of her for the last 10 years has put me in a place to try extra hard to understand her, to help her say what she needs, and what she wants from me, basically speaking for her what I think she means, then asking if that's how she feels. It works pretty well and for the last 5 years she refers to me as the most wonderful person she has ever known, except for my dad, of course. But basically from what you say, I think your mom is exhausted and overburdened. While there, see if you can help her set up some in home care for your dad.

Tribe

Just taking in your post and imagining your folks there in their home having the prospect of your visit to bat around. Looking at the list. Mom trying to figure out how she’ll get it all done before you get there. Lol

I think that you are feeling a bit anxious. You dad is the patient but mom is who you are worried about.

Your mom doesn’t sound happy. Probably with life. It’s a big adjustment she’s going through. She may not feel like talking to you as you have perhaps disappointed her. She knows that you have the right to live your life etc (yes, there’s that) but can’t help feeling a little abandoned and doesn’t want to rehash it all with your quick visit and the same result. You on your plane … her dealing. She has a right to her feelings and it’s hard to put on a happy face sometimes when life is especially hard. And there is fear for the future and depression.
Probably doesn’t want to set herself up for another disappointment. It will be a little easier for your dad because he knows she needs help and is hoping you will be that without too much drama.

She knows your visit is a band-aide, you want to feel better about what you’ve done and she’s supposed to just accept it and pretend it’s all okay. Well, it’s not okay. None of its okay. But it is what it is. But hopefully when you are actually there, the ice will be broken.

Maybe you shouldn’t compare yourself to your sister. She didn’t set herself up to be the responsible kid and then fly away. A lot of time went into grooming you for your role according to what the therapists would say. You walked off the stage. Now what?

If mom has always been distant and dad warm and loving, you’ll feel right at home.

If this is new behavior for mom, and you notice changes that go behind being miffed, maybe put on your detective hat. Check out the medicine cabinet, get her doctors names and see about following up on any health issues.

I think my advice would be to go for a real visit. Take it all in. Talk about life and choices. Read the book “Being Mortal” by Atul Gawande. Talk about the five questions Gawande recommends. See if you can help all three of you figure out what’s next and how you will contribute or not.

I like Grandma 1954’s idea of a regular helper. Even if it’s a housekeeper.

At night, when they’ve gone to bed, walk around with your phone and video the house. This will help you if you end up getting involved with repair people or considering safety measures. Also video your parents as they interact or as you ask them questions. It will help you see what’s going on with them and notice changes easier for when you see them next.
Pay attention to their mail, to the food in the cupboards, sit where they sit. See what they see. This time of COVID has taught us that life is very precious and unpredictable. Deep breaths and know that your mama still loves you. Once you are there, it will take on a life of its own.

Your question doesn’t really explain how bad things are. “Childhood was a little rocky ” - Well, whose wasn’t? Mother was “a bit of a control freak” - What teenager doesn’t think that setting a curfew isn’t being a control freak? She is “very condescending and tells me how busy I am” - My mother worried about how busy I was when I took time off my work while she was dying, and it wasn’t condescension.

Your sister “really isn't in the trenches when that's needed”. Why not? Does she have a different take on from you what’s needed? Perhaps mother isn’t ‘villainizing’ you, perhaps she just doesn’t have the energy to say the things that would make you feel good. Perhaps you just don’t have much relevance in her life at the moment.

It might be helpful to make your short trip more about getting your sister’s view point, and a better understanding of your mother’s work load. And perhaps stay in a hotel, rather than leave mother with the bedding to deal with before and after you stay. It can be really hard to understand reality from a distance.

None of us knows your family like you do, I will go by your comments regarding your mom being unhappy.

You say that you have a good relationship with your father. That’s wonderful! Enjoy your time spent with him. It isn’t your fault that your mom isn’t communicating with you. You offered her a chance to speak and she declined. I realize that you would like a better relationship with her and of course it hurts that you don’t.

If you wish to look at the ‘the list’ made for you, agree to do whatever you want to do. If something isn’t agreeable to you, simply say that you aren’t going to do it.

Do your parents have money to pay for their needs? If they do, they don’t have to rely on you or your sister. They can hire someone to help with whatever is necessary.

My youngest daughter moved several states away from us shortly after graduation. She loves where she is living and has landed a great job. We. are very happy for her. My oldest daughter lives near us. We don’t expect either of them to do anything for us. We want them to live their own lives. They have busy lives and do not need to be concerned about our needs.

Love isn’t about expectations or controlling others actions. I wish that more people understood this. More people would be content in their lives. So much unhappiness is due to people being concerned over what others do.

There is a saying that I am very fond of, “Sweep your own porch first before telling others to sweep theirs.” So, sweep your porch and allow your mom to sweep hers, or NOT sweep it. It’s her porch.

Enjoy your life with your husband. Enjoy your time with your dad. If your mom has a history of being miserable, let her be miserable. If she refuses to speak to you, it’s her loss. I hope there never comes a day that I don’t speak to my daughters. The bottom line is, you can never make your mom be happy, nor can your dad or sister. Your sister has probably already figured that out which is why she keeps her distance.

Don’t rely on others for your happiness and don’t feel as if you have the power to make an unhappy person happy. You can’t!

All the best to you.

You did what you did because you had to. For now just let things run off your back. Your only here 3 days. Ignore her remarks.

Thank you for all of the comments, suggestions and thoughts. I am in my hotel now about ready to drive over there. I don't stay at their home because they are in a retirement community and to be honest, I need a little space to decompress each evening after my visit.

Right now my goal is to let mom drive the train. I have prayed and prayed for grace to be a duck and let stuff roll off my back. That's if she's argumentative. If she's sulky, I'll let her know I'm ready to listen to whatever she has to say. If she remains silent I will silently remind myself there's no use in begging. If I use up my list of things to do, I have some suggestions on things I'm able to help with, if they are met with a negative response, I will let them go. I'm not sure what I'll be walking into today, I'm taking it one day at a time.

My sister and I are not close, not at odds either. She is a party girl, free spirit and does her own thing. Mom doesn't ask for any help from her. I will try and offer to take them out for a meal, but while I am perfectly capable of paying for it, it is usually a battle of wills and my mother is like a dog with a bone on paying for everything (or having my dad pay), so I usually give up to keep the peace.

I am bound and determined not to let her ruffle me this weekend, which is hard, but I have been a good student of what to do and not to do when passive-aggressive behavior is going on - I realize it's what I've learned from an early age, I don't anticipate Mom will stop, I recognize it in myself, and I don't want to do it anymore. All I can do is control my own attitude, and hope that any help I give this weekend makes life a little easier on them.

You sound amazing and like you have it under control. I recognize certain traits your Mom has that I have also. That is, when I get hurt or angry I clam up. Its a very unproductive characteristic that has caused me more harm than anything else. That said, I commend your resolve to do what you can. Please let us know how your weekend is going!

You really shouldn't worry about it because there's absolutely nothing you can do about it.

Stop asking her.
If she wants to tell you she will.
She be nice and let her act any way she wants.

Maybe if you ignore her she'll stop when not getting a reaction from you.

LIke you said, you're not their only child and they probably don't even ask the other for any help.

Your mom knows you moved for your husband's job.

Does she want to relocate to where you are?

You might ask them both if they would like to both go live in a Senior Apartment then go visit a couple.

Maybe they need to set up a Caregiver to come by a few hrs a day, maybe they could have groceries delivered, maybe your mom just needs a break for an outing out of the house.

Maybe you could take her to lunch or to get a manicure or hair done, while in town visiting.

Just being there and seeing what is going on should give you glues to what is needed.

Prayers

Family can be hard. I suggest writing a note to express - whatever you need to - since she is not talking - but make sure it is non-accusatory, expresses your love to her, etc. Family often acts out the worse with the safest person. That is ok - as long as you have good boundaries and can absorb what they need to get out with love and again, boundaries. I'd continue to call anyhow - you don't own her response. You do own your acts and obligations to your parents. She is suffering and you cannot fix it for her, but you can continue to walk with her. If she allows it fine. But sometimes all you can do is keep showing up. Love and hugs.

If mom gives a list or verbal messages to dad that are intended for you, go directly to her and have a chat. Preferably just the two of you. Open the conversation with the list in your hand (since she referred to a list) or 'dad said you told him to tell me about xx'. Then ask why she is not talking to you. No response from her? - you might have to go for her 'guilt-emotion response button' and pull out of the ammo.
---I'm your daughter --I wish I could live closer, but I have to go where hubby's job goes -- It breaks my heart when you don't talk to me, especially when I don't know why you're mad. IF it's something I can fix, I will. If I said something to hurt you, I apologize --- I don't like our relationship being like this. What if something happened to one of us and we hadn't been talking or being friendly to each other? Wouldn't it hurt you to live like that? It would hurt me terribly --

keep going if you see you are getting a few tears because it means she still has emotion and cares about your feelings. Don't force words out of her right away, let her think about it.

It's very possible as your dad slowed down, you gave him a little more attention. There are lots of moms who are jealous of daughter/father relationship because mom sees them talking, laughing, enjoying each other while her relationship with dad is X number of years together that has all the ups/downs/arguments of the marriage.

If dad does try to relay msgs to you (from her), go directly to her and discuss. Make her explain what she wants. If she refuses to talk. Tell her when she is ready to talk - you'll be there until Monday to discuss and handle whatever it is she needs. Whatever she wants needs to come from her - don't tell dad to relay msgs. It is hurtful to you.

I suspect your mother "knows" that you will never abandon her, so you are a safe sounding post for her fear, anger, and frustration. - Sort of a backwards compliment.

Sadly, welcome to your life for the next who-knows how many years.
I guess all I want to say is that we hear you.
Your mom is clearly stressed; let's hope she comes around during your visit.
I've only been dealing with this big-time since my dad died in September.
Before that, I was able to keep a hand in things from three hours away for the past decade with varying degrees of help from my siblings.
My sister and I are a good team now. My brother, zip. We stopped being passive-aggressive and told him a couple things we needed done...crickets.
I too am the responsible daughter and I feel for both your mom and you.

You are feeling hurt because your mother is not being the loving person you want her to be, but on your short visit, try to put your own feelings aside and think about your parents' needs. See if you can be helpful in any way, because they probably need your help. Your mother may be feeling hurt that you are so far from them as they age and can't visit as often. It's difficult for everyone being a long distance from elderly parents. Use this time to help them plan for their future, if they haven't done it. Are you POA or do you think they would want you to be? Make sure all of the paperwork is in order for their power of attorney for medical and financial matters, a living will with their medical directives, a will, and many banks and financial institutions also have their own POA forms. Someone needs to be on file with Social Security and Medicare to speak on their behalf. At least talk about this with your Dad. They might need an attorney for this. Your mother sounds stressed and she is going to need help over time. If they can afford it, encourage your Dad and Mom to hire more help for your mother. Your mother is not going to be able to care for your father on her own if his condition declines. For now, does your mother have help with cleaning, laundry, etc? That could be a start. A person should be on call for maintenance around the house, gardening, helping change high light bulbs, etc. If they are in an area with snow, have a person on call to shovel snow. (They should lock up valuables and financial papers if there are people coming into their house.) When you are there, assess for yourself how they are doing. Is the house in order and clean? I also lived quite far from my parents, and realized that things were getting to be too much for my mother (who was caregiver for my father) when I visited them at one point and saw that the house was dirtier than it used to be. Talk to your father so that you understand their wishes if things get to be too much for them or if their health declines. They have two basic options: get in-home care or move to a senior facility. Senior facilities may have all levels of care: independent living, assisted living, memory care and skilled nursing. Some facilities have them all in one place (I think this is preferable), with others, your parents would have to move if they need a higher level of care. Good luck, and try to be forgiving towards your mother who is probably very stressed out and worried, even though she is putting on a brave face.

There is no way for me to know what your Mother is feeling, but I learned a new perspective from my Mom that people don’t dare confess. My Mother had Martyr Complex. One thing I did learn from her was, when she felt overwhelmed, she was unable to talk about what she was feeling or ask for help, because even talking about that exhausted her even more. That’s when the silent treatment kicked in. I guess she wanted me to read her mind( unrealistic I know). When my Dad’s chronic illness health declined even more & caring for him became more than she could handle ( plus Dad had always had a very difficult personality), she confided in me that she couldn’t take care for him anymore, but felt terrible guilt because “she had to comply with her marriage vows”. That’s when I understood & sympathized that a big part of her overwhelming feelings & behavior was that she didn’t want to fail on her marriage promise to him in the final stretch of their 55 years of marriage because physically, emotionally, mentally she couldn’t care for him anymore. Months after Dad died, she said to me “ I complied. I kept my vows”. I cried with her, but felt a sense of relief for her.

You are being ghosted, its a rare one way behavior of noncommunication done to terminate a relationship. It won't help to try to make sense of it because it doesn't.

The answer is very clear but you do not see the facts. Your sister is a lost cause. Evidently she may always have been this way and it is NOT going to change. She has it too good and won't step up to the plate. That leaves YOU. Your mother is angry and frustrated because SHE sees the writing on the wall - old age, more responsibilities, and you are not at her beck and call. From what you write, she was never a kind, loving person and I believe what you sow is what you reap. Her personality and her lack of care are catching up with you - and you are her only "prey and hope" to continue this pattern. She can't stand the thought that YOU are doing what you can do to make her happy but that is not enough. Basically she wants YOU at her beck and call and would like if if you left YOUR life and gave it to her. DO NOT FALL FOR THIS. You will lose all that is dear and valuable to you and she will suck you dry. She is trying to make you feel guilty and let you know she wants to be the boss. Do not fall for her tricks of how she acts to make you feel. Set very firm and hard boundaries - and stick to them - Perhaps it is time for a caretaker. Tell her there will be rules to abide by. Love her but don't let her tell you what to do - it is your time for your life. Make sure all affairs are current and complete and start thinking of placement where they are cared for. Discuss options with and eldercare attorney so you are prepared for what comes down the pike.

Let me tell you something about these over-doers or 'martyrs'. They not only ruin their own lives, but everyone else's as well. Your father also suffers because of your mother's martyrdom.
Your sister gets off free and clear because with martyrs they pick a scapegoat they can passively-aggressively dump on. Unfortunately, it seems your number came up. Your mother will continue to lay one guilt-trip after another on you or keep up the silent cold shoulder towards you. She'll probably step up the skulking and rudeness too because what she wants from you is a fight when you're there in person. Don't give her one. This is what martyrs do. They need someone else to be just as miserable and unhappy as they are. They also love big blow-up fights too. It usually gets them the sympathy and pity they always crave.
That old saying "Misery loves company" is the God's honest truth.
I speak from experience. I've been the scapegoat of my mother's martyrdom since the age of six when our father moved out. He was no longer there for her to dump on so she found someone else to become a psychological and emotional landfill for her. Unfortunately for me, it was me.
Stop playing your mother's game. If she refuses to accept the kind of help you're willing and able to offer, there's nothing you can do about that. Don't beat yourself up with guilt and shame like you're doing something wrong because you're not.
Good for you going to see your father. When you get there throw her "list" in the garbage and ask your dad what he wants you to do to help out. Then in very plain English, tell your mom to climb down off her Cross and that if she's unwilling to accept outside help with the caregiving, there's nothing anyone can do. If she insists on doing it all herself, then put up and shut up.
This is what I finally had to do with my mother and her martyrdom. It took me almost 40 years to do it. Your relationship with her will improve when she finally knows that you are not her scapegoat anymore. You will even see some respect growing too.

Hello wonderful daughter.
* It seems to me that you need to deal with your guilt or unmet needs from what your expectations are from 'a mother figure.' I will presume that much was lacking as you were growing up - and/or
* Your mother may have some dementia - brain functioning triggering her. You cannot do anything about this IF she doesn't want you're support / assistance.
* DO NOT allow yourself to be a martyr. Deal with your own unfinished business, emotionally and psychologically.
* You are an exceptional daughter - dedicated, showing up, consistent, caring, compassionate.
* From the outside looking in, I would focus on your dad. He must experience a lot of his wife's (your mom's) frustration, resentment, anger. He will soak up your loving, compassionate support and caring.
* As many say here, you can't change your mother. Only she can. You can be available. Until then, if it was me, I would step back - WAY BACK - unless or until your mom reaches out to you.
* She is in a lot of pain and fear. She feels stuck and doesn't know how to get out of her internal hell. (I might be a bit dramatic here). You cannot fix her.
* She could benefit from therapy (as I believe you could - to learn to let go) and certainly a caregiver to help as needed.
YOU MUST take care of you/rself before you can be available for an/other. So glad you are visiting your Dad and seeing how it goes w/your mom. I know it is very difficult to create emotional/psychological safety barriers around your-self... I kept trying for three years w/a client full of rage with me being the target. (Yes, I stayed due to needing the work). In any case, give yourself plenty of TIME OUTS, regroup, refocus (your thoughts - to change your feelings).
- Try doing some visualizations and affirmations. IT WILL HELP TREMENDOUSLY to visualize ahead of time a tranquil, calming, beautiful environment you've experienced (or perhaps a loving experience w a spouse or your own child) when you feel triggered. YOU NEED to learn to change the channel. As I learned in a counseling training program, visualize a TV station and then see yourself changing the channel. Learning to 'shift' out of a present, unhealthy situation is critical to your own well being.
- Give yourself a lot of applause and a self-hug, for being the outstanding, loving daughter you are. Gena.

What I don't know about siblings is a lot, but any chance of meeting with sis while you're in town. Explain she needs to check in on mom and dad once a week, which should not cut into her party schedule too much. Maybe you can fly in every 6 weeks or so for a weekend? Not necessarily pleasant or cheap, but that's what caregivers do.

Sounds like Mom needs a confidant and some really good friends to help her navigate through these difficult times of aging and loss. She is probably terrified and just doesn't know how to express it; she wouldn't want her child to know what she is going through and how hard it is. Fear and frustration can look a lot like anger. Need can look like selfishness. Love is patient, love is kind, love will carry others even when it looks like they don't really need it. Just continue to reassure her that you care and will be there when she needs you. Don't take it personally when she doesn't talk, she probably doesn't know what to say or how to say it. who wants to share their negative feelings of helplessness and hopelessness with their babies. Aging is not for the faint of heart and we don't want our children to see us faint. She may just need the occasional reassurance that she is not alone and that there are people that will love her when she feels unlovable.

Quick update - within 20 minutes of arriving, Dad and I back in the car with 5 hours of errands. Mom was pleasant, didn't acknowledge any bad behavior, neither did I - she got some quiet time at home which I know hasn't happened in forever. Dad was wiped out when we got back and went down for a nap. Mom told me she didn't want to fix dinner for all of us and we'd have to do take out - I offered to make dinner and make some freezer meals which she declined... I asked if there was anything else she needed today and she declined... she showed me her full and organized freezer (they eat super healthy and I know she doesn't like to eat out anyway, Dad and I went out during our errands.) I said no problem, I had to do homework in my hotel room anyway. So yesterday was as good as could be expected. My future daughter in law had a bridal shower this morning (out of state, watched on zoom this morning with her future sister-in-laws) in the hotel room. Told mom I'd come over with my laptop if she wanted to watch, but she didn't so... anyway, I'm headed over there now. Last time we broached the subject of POA, she got mad at me and said "I'm too busy (meaning me, not her)" and they were going to get a fiduciary. I think she gets in moods and cuts her nose to spite her face. We'll see how things go today to broach again.

Thank you for the encouragement.

Your mother sounds selfish, immature and dissatisfied with her life. It’s not your problem…it’s hers. If I were you I’d spend the day with your father (but I’d sleep at a hotel) and if your mother wants to be included good. If not it’s her loss!

Your mom isn't happy and she blames you. Since she is playing the "guessing game" and that keeps you unbalanced, she feels she is "winning" at controlling you.

My suggestion is to not play along with her passive aggressive control games. I suggest you and your hubby read any of the "boundary" books by Townsend and Cloud to learn strategies so you can deal with your mom's problem behavior.

Tribe16: Imho, unfortunately, your mother is transferring her unhappiness on to you, for reasons unknown. I did see your update of 7 hours ago. I do hope that your mother can get some help for her unhappiness, e.g. perhaps a counselor. Best of luck.

It serves no purpose for either of you .. Being a CareGiver 24/7 is depressing .. If you have never been one, day in and day out, you really do not understand. Your Dad is no longer the man he was , which is very sad . It’s also very sad for your mom. The man in her life is no longer who he was. She now has her chores and worries, his chores and his worries and the all house hold issues. I do not know if memory issues are involved or not. From personal experience, the last 4 years in my home have led me to a wonderful CareTakers group , anti depressants, and one on one therapy . My mans slowing down was not the issue , it was the way I was reacting to his “slow down “ . The frustration, exhaustion , and recognition of the situation I was in, I scared me .I am sure he was not the only one I was unpleasant with . I could not do it alone. I got some in home help . My girls are 1800 miles away and have family’s of there own. They work. . For a while I was not able to really talk to them about my feelings. I knew there was nothing they could do and I was depressed and frustrated. He, my man, can not help his decline. He has cognitive issues. His brain is broken . With the help of my group I am doing better. I can share with my girls and treat him much better than I did before. I work very hard at not reacting to the thing that we’re driving me up a wall as I did before. He can not change, I can . I hope things work out for you and your mom . Cut your self and your mom some slack ...