What to do?

Your grandma needs to be off duty when her husband is home, he comes first. So somebody else- you? your mother? need to take a day apiece to care for GGrandpa. If you can't, then he needs to go to a nursing home before grandma drops dead from all that work. 30% of caregivers die before the patient does.

Jasmin, glad you wrote in about this situation. What your Grandmother is doing is enabling her father to continue with his life style, yet she has to changes her.

It is time for her to make a list of all the things she does for her father.... now she needs to cross off half the items on the list.... now cross off some more. And not budge from that list. Just say "no" to the items that had been crossed off. The best words to use "Sorry, I can't do that" and don't say anything more, walk out of the room.

There will be a lot of guilt, some arguments but maybe, just maybe, her Dad will finally hire some much needed help, or move into continuing care. Elders sometimes view their children as being in their 30's instead of them being senior citizens. I have always said, seniors should not be taking care of older seniors. I ran into that with my parents, the stress will damage your life forever.

And whatever you do, do NOT become your Great-grandfather's caregiver. It's not your responsibility plus you would miss out on everything you currently have in your life, and that's not fair.

The answer can be complex depending on what your grandmother is willing to do/accept. Does your grand mother have Power of Attorney for his medical care and finances???? Is your grandmother willing to put her health and marriage first?? If not, it gets very complicated.

1)The Area Agency on Aging is in every county in the USA. She can contact them to come out to evaluate your great grand father for his needs. They offer help with various situations. It is based on income level.

2)Having a Power of Attorney (POA) is a necessity to make legal decisions for another persons medical/finance.

3) If your grandmother does not have a POA and your great-grandfather refuses to get one, there is only one way that I know about to help your grandmother, but only if she is willing to be very strong against her father.'

She can take her father to the ER for medical issue. Then she would have to be very strong to say, "I cannot take care of him." What happens, is the state steps in and he would be placed in a facility if it is determined he cannot take care of himself. Many of had to do this, it sounds drastic, but sometimes it is the only solution when the caregiver is having their own health issues to take care of. The hospital will pressure your grandmother so she will have to stand her ground.

Maybe someone else will have more to offer you than I do. Good luck, and I hope something can be done.

I have the feeling your grandmother cannot continue to do this. She needs to resign herself to visiting with him and having professionals care for him. He weighs too much and has too many physical problems to be cared for by one 63-year old woman.

Your grandmother and I are the same age. Your grandfather and my mother, who I live with, are about the same age. And like your grandfather, my mother is absolute boss. She will not have anyone come in or go to a facility. She wants to die at home. I understand the fix that your grandmother is in. I also know that she (and I) are the only ones who can set limits on what we are willing to do. I told my mother that as soon as she was not able to do things for herself like walk to the bathroom that she would have to go to a nursing facility. And I meant it. I am physically not able to get her up and down, and I won't bathe her. Your grandmother needs to set those limits, too.

It sounds like your great-grandfather is already beyond the point where he needs to enter a facility for care. His weight is a particular problem. Your grandmother is risking her health lifting him and turning him. How many people are there in the family? It sounds like you need to get together as a group, apply for Medicaid for him if needed, and tell him that he is going to have to go into a home because there is no one who is able to care for him. He will protest. Your grandmother will have to feel the guilt and pull back. This is not only for her. It is for him. She cannot provide adequate care for him at 300 lb. You could have shifts of caregivers coming in, but they would probably cost more than a facility.

Please let us know how it's going. I hope everyone will get your grandmother's back so she can be at home with her husband.

My mother and I live 2 hours away, and can't afford to travel to them all the time. My grandmother has recently been writing down what all she does for my great-grandfather because he says she doesn't do much. Recently she had a maniscus removed off of her knee, I went there to help care for my great-grandfather while she was healing. I am 23 years old and he wore me out. I have been doing research and research on how to help her in this situation. Legaly she can't just leave him without care? He won't hire someone to come in and care for him. Even for a few days out of the week. She can't force him to go a a nursing home? Can she? We need to know legaly what she can and can't do.

JasminLynn, you can your mother can make an appointment with an Elder Law Attorney. Make the appointment as a first consulation (no charge for that). Express all your concerns with the attorney

There is something that can be done, it all comes done to if your grandmother is wiling to do it and if you and your mother support her choice.

Someone is over feeding a 300 lb man (who doesn't leave the bed often) more than meals on wheels delivers. Who is going to the store to buy all that food? Your grandmother has to realize that she has to MANAGE his care not provide all of it and he needs to be grateful that she is willing to do that. Start with his diet. He needs to weigh less for everyone's sake. You've already seen what happens when grandmother is down. The suggestion to go to an elder attorney is a good one and will help you find out what your family can do legally to help your GGP get help. Ask your grandmother to hire someone to come in and help HER not GGP. Since she's started her list she can assign some of it to the helper. Even if they came in a couple of hours once a week to clean, it will make her feel better and get GGP notice that he has to accept that others are managing things. She has to start somewhere. Also check out Medicare.gov for home health in their area. Get them to come in and assess the situation. You can get an aid through them to bath him and change the sheets up to three times a week. He can also get therapy in the home to help him with his mobility. Home health can help arrange that as well. I hope you and your step grandfather stick to your guns and make grandmother wake up to the situation she is choosing to accept. Put them all on notice that you are not planning to take her place when she takes off on the road with her husband. (Just a little joke but she should do it).

They are managing his diet. When she took over, he was near 450lbs. He has dropped 100lbs. She is having a lawyer draw up power of attorney papers this coming week. Last week my GGP hired a lady to come in two days a week for 4 hours. She came two days & now he is refusing to have her come in anymore. He is a wealthy man, my grandma and grandpa are struggling to keep up their bills, since they also pay for seperate living and only have one source of income. My GM doesn't want to be his caregiver, but also doesn't want to go to jail for neglect. She has started making him do more, telling him "no" to certain things. He is a very stubborn man, and refuses to do anything that is going to cost him more money. She can't lead a seperate life due to him needing constant attention. Her doctor has written a letter srating she can't physically provide his care for him, his doctor will not write a letter stating that he is unable to live on his own. Should she just move out? And visit on certain times. He is a fall risk, he call walk with a walker VERY slowly.

she can move out, he is not incapacitated medically. She can set li.its such once a week or 2x's a month where she comes to do a few things for a couple hours only.

Something that may work is to give him an either/or choice for things. He can either have help come in or he can go to a facility. Your grandmother taking care of him is not one of the choices. Sometimes when people are given a choice of two things that would work, they feel more empowered. Your grandmother can still help some, but she won't have to help to the extent that she jeopardizes her own health.

Sadly, many older people lose the ability to empathize with others. Your great-gf's world has become smaller and smaller, so that now he is seeing only himself. We usually can't fix that, so we have to work with it. Giving the two choices might work with him. I do this a good bit with my mother, even if it is just a choice of where to eat or what to wear. It keeps things easy while still giving a sense of control. Having a sense of control is important -- understandable.

Fantastic that he has lost that weight and hopefully is planning to lose more. I assume he knows about the POA and agrees to sign it. This posting sounds stronger than your earlier one. I don't understand why she thinks she would go to jail. That is a question she should ask the attorney. If you get the home health you will have someone coming in to check his vitals every week. Setting up his medication. Medicare pays for this. He would probably like that part. The aid has to do something personal for him for them to come. GM could start by taking off half days. Then every other day and stick with it and so forth. Tell him to hire another person if he didn't like the first one. It's quite an accomplishment for him to lose that weight. She has to tell him she isn't going to continue to live with him and he has to hire help or go into a home. I'm sure it's hard for her to say and for him to hear but she needs to tell him and have a plan in place. If he rejects the plan she needs to be prepared for that as well. Does he have other children who he will turn to? It sounds like she is making some headway. Don't let up.

He doesn't have any other children to rely on, unfortunately! I called and talked with her earlier, and she told me she finally had him to ok having a lady come two days a week. After the first week though, he wanted to cancel the lady coming. He said she didn't do anything but sit around, and he wasn't going to pay $17.00/hr for that. My GM said she did help a lot. She changed sheets, cleaned his bathroom, put away the already washed dishes, did some of his laundry, swept and mopped the kitchen, plus some. She helped my GM very much. My GGP doesn't care that he is running my GM ragged. I will recommend what you said tho, about her taking half a day off, then going a bit longer as the days go by. He does know about the POA being drawn up, & has agreed to sign with his own terms added in. He does have medicare. I will get her to call them, to get someone to come in and access his living condition. He can't shop for himself or bathe himself. He normally pees in a pee pan and poors it into his portable toilet at night. She is very overwhelmed, she can't be doing this anymore. There is family that lives close, but they are to busy to help her. It's sad.