Why don't you go talk to mom and let her know that your sister is going to wear out because of the demands and lack of cooperation. Put it to mom bluntly, what is your plan b if sis can no longer do it your way.
Maybe you could go there and be the backbone sis needs to deal with mom. Schedule the people, let them in. Tell mom it's going to happen this way...period.
Thank you so, so much for saying this 💗. I was the sister who cared for mom in my home, while also being a wife and mother. It certainly wasn’t an easy task. My siblings didn’t help me very much. They helped once in a great while, but only for a short periods of time. It was never a ‘real’ break.
Many hugs to you for showing empathy for caregivers. Caregivers can feel trapped, even confused. We lose our own identity and it would be lovely to have someone in our corner.
I know that I would have appreciated having someone speaking on my behalf. Just hearing ‘Thank you for caring for mom.’ would have been nice.
My mom seemed to favor her sons at times and while I loved my mom very much, I became resentful at times. I had mom for 15 years before my brother helped by taking a turn. He had her for almost a year and a half.
Mom was fearful of going into a facility until the last month of her life, when she entered a hospice house. Mom did have regrets and remorse about being a burden on her children. I am so grateful to hospice for their compassionate care. I miss her but so glad that she is no longer suffering.
"So… I spent a few weeks with her, wanting to help her out but she answer was no until I started to help her anyway."
Also, we don't know where OP and sister/mom live with respect to the other. If they are in different states, then stepping in to help isn't going to be daily or weekly. This sister (OP) IS trying to get something done to assist her sister who is caring for mom, unlike so many we hear about on this forum.
I am no expert here... Have not succeeded in this task myself. Well maybe a little tiny bit. I am not a good listener really but good at talking😁.
When listening to your sister, what does she say that seem to be the barriers to her obtaining more help?
Is it Mom? She wouldn't like strangers? Fearful, or flatly refuses.
Cost? Not knowing where to look, how to start?
Or does she feel it would detract from her care? Mean she was failing? Was not good enough? Hiring extra help is just that - EXTRA help, not any failure.
If you can get some idea, then some deeper discussions around that can be held.
I found I moved from wanting to convince, to explore seeing each other's point of view.
if your sister wants to do this ... why do you care?
Maybe it is important to your sister. Maybe she is not unhappy with how she is caring for herself.
Regardless, since you are interested, there are a couple things you can do to make things better for her:
(1) express appreciation - a simple “thank you” will reduce her stress:’; (2) give her a break by working for her; (3) do something nice for her - gift certificate for a massage or a meal; (4) best yet—- all of the above.
Support your sister and her efforts - don’t criticize.
I, as a primary caregiver to my 95 year old dad, have 2 sibs who live very far away. I was getting burnt out and expressed that to my sibs. Their response was to march in and siege a takeover. Undo things I had done, try to get on POA’s. It was hurtful and not what i needed. What i needed was a listening ear, encouragement and respect for what i had been doing. So often our response to people in need is to try to fix, when in fact what i needed was kindness and empathy. I know they feel guilty being so far away, but the reality, which i had to learn and accept, is that there is really nothing they can do for dad except to visit when they can and stay in touch with him, which they have been sorely negligent for years! I have always been the closest in proximity and thus in relationship to our parents. I know they have to feel sadness for not having had this kind of bond. But they made the choice to live so far away. So, I would simply let the family member know you are there for them, but also if it is possible, hire someone to help out.
Your sister is fortunate to have a sister who cares about her. I wholeheartedly agree with Countrymouse. Please share this forum with her. No offense, but she needs to vent more than you do.
I say this because I was ‘your sister’ at one time in my life. I had my mom living in my home for 15 years. It’s exhausting to be the primary caregiver.
It is lovely that you care about your sister. Many of us did the caregiving without any help. Please keep the door open for her to be able to share her feelings.
One or I should say Two of the most difficult things as a caregiver is to ASK for help and ACCEPT help. The thought that always ran through my mind was...They are not going to do it the way I do. or Something is going to go "wrong". or any number of things that I could find in my head to prevent me from "letting go" Well I found out that even if things were not done EXACTLY the way I did them things got done and the world did not spin off its axis. and I realized not much could go "wrong" as long as he was not injured he was fine, maybe in the back of my mind the fear that he would die and I would not be there was a thought. I started with caregivers in "baby steps" First day they "shadowed" me as I showed them what to do, how to do it. I would stay in the house or outside and allow the caregiver to do what needed to be done. On the third day I would go to the store for a bit. So I was never more than 15 minutes away. If you can convince your sister that there needs to be a caregiver that knows what to do incase something happens to her that might work. The other option is to just get someone in to help. If not "direct care" then someone to do the laundry, clean, wash floors. If your sister does shopping have groceries delivered for her so she does not have to shop. If she does laundry if there is a laundry service that can be used that would help her. Have a meal or two delivered once in a while. Hire a cleaning service. These would all help without being an actual caregiver. And if possible you care for mom one or two days and make a reservation for your sister to get hair and nails done. Or make a reservation at a local hotel for a weekend "staycation".
When did your mother break her hip? How long has your sister been your mother's primary caregiver? Can you describe a bit of the caregiving history? - for example, the classic pattern is what I think of as "snowballing": you start out providing occasional help with particular issues, which then becomes regular help with routine issues, which then becomes frequent help with both routine issues and crises... Before you know where you are you're helplessly cartwheeling downhill in an avalanche - and then somebody says "you're doing it all wrong/we're only trying to help/you need to take better care of yourself" and is surprised and hurt when you respond with immoderate and seemingly unreasonable rudeness.
I give your sister's possible viewpoint, you understand.
What sort of help is your sister refusing to consider? Has she fired useless/stupid/untrustworthy/unreliable caregivers or something?
She has basically put her life on hold to care for our mother. My mother is extremely stubborn and wants to do the opposite of everything you tell her to do….etc. etc.. My sister is being very passive in this situation - allowing Mom to make to many decisions and/or demands. She had spent quite a bit of time scheduling people to come in and assist her or give her a break. But, mom put an end to it quickly by canceling appointments or not letting them in the house.. My sister looks tired, she’s angry all the time, and is not taking care of herself.
Is this a 'stubborn Mom' problem or a 'saying no to Mom problem'?
How is your Sister at saying No to Mom? 🤔
Your concern for your Sister & pleas for her to look after herself may go unheeded if she lacks the tools to stand up to Mom. To say No occasionally. Helping her find her strength to do so may be the angle? Give her permission. Maybe some ready-made excuses, someone else to 'blame' or even sneaky tricks. A few examples;
* No Mom, I won't cancel the caregiver booked for tomorrow. She needs the work. We should help her out.
* Let the caregiver in, have a social cuppa all together, more like a social visit. Do this once or twice. Build rapport & trust first. Then the cuppa + go out for a short time.
* No asking permission from Mom for her own things. No "Do you mind if I go with my friends for lunch next week?" Nope. Don't prewarn much. Matter of fact. I'll be out Xday but lunch will be ready in the fridge for you.
Of course if Sister CAN say no to Mom but does not WANT to - that's another issue.
I believe the real issue is that my mother is narcissistic and not dealing well with the aging process. She has always put herself first. If …IF, she considered what her oldest daughter was doing for her and realized that her stubbornness and unwillingness to cooperate is making it difficult to want to care for her she might stop being so difficult. She needs to show some gratitude and come to terms with the idea that time will not reverse itself.
I believe my sister feels that she made the decision to be the caregiver and therefore feels obligated to take care of everything. I would not even entertain the idea of being the caregiver because I know my own limitations - (amongst many other reasons) However, I would do just about anything for my sister and I don’t like to see her so frustrated. I mentioned counseling or group therapy and she simply says she will be okay. I suppose I should let it alone and believe she’ll ask for help when she has had enough or when/if she really needs it.
Thank you for sharing your insight. Just being able to write my thoughts and gain a different perspective is quite therapeutic.
Nend more info. If you're talking about trying to talk a Caregiver in to putting their loved one in to a Senior Home for others to take care of. FORGET IT! Nursing Homes are the last place you want to be. You only go there if you can't afford Caregiver help to be able to stay in your own home or if you don't have a loved one to let you've with them.
Now if you're talking about helping the Caregiver yourself by volunteering so the Caregiver can have some much needed time off or you're offering to pay for a Caregiver for a few hours once a day, ect then that's another story and I'm sure the Caregiver would be more than happy to accept the help.
Bev, we get it. You hate nursing homes. Your insisting they’re the worst places on earth is not only not true, it only makes caregivers feel worse. They’re already having a hard time and don’t need the guilt trip from you or anyone.
It’s great if you were the perfect person that did 24/7 impeccable caregiving for your family. Unfortunately not everyone can be that person.
Not every facility is a hell hole that kills people. There is no reason to shame people for making that choice, unless you’re willing to swoop in and be the caretaker yourself.
Maybe you could go there and be the backbone sis needs to deal with mom. Schedule the people, let them in. Tell mom it's going to happen this way...period.
Thank you so, so much for saying this 💗. I was the sister who cared for mom in my home, while also being a wife and mother. It certainly wasn’t an easy task. My siblings didn’t help me very much. They helped once in a great while, but only for a short periods of time. It was never a ‘real’ break.
Many hugs to you for showing empathy for caregivers. Caregivers can feel trapped, even confused. We lose our own identity and it would be lovely to have someone in our corner.
I know that I would have appreciated having someone speaking on my behalf. Just hearing ‘Thank you for caring for mom.’ would have been nice.
My mom seemed to favor her sons at times and while I loved my mom very much, I became resentful at times. I had mom for 15 years before my brother helped by taking a turn. He had her for almost a year and a half.
Mom was fearful of going into a facility until the last month of her life, when she entered a hospice house. Mom did have regrets and remorse about being a burden on her children. I am so grateful to hospice for their compassionate care. I miss her but so glad that she is no longer suffering.
"So… I spent a few weeks with her, wanting to help her out but she answer was no until I started to help her anyway."
Also, we don't know where OP and sister/mom live with respect to the other. If they are in different states, then stepping in to help isn't going to be daily or weekly. This sister (OP) IS trying to get something done to assist her sister who is caring for mom, unlike so many we hear about on this forum.
When listening to your sister, what does she say that seem to be the barriers to her obtaining more help?
Is it Mom? She wouldn't like strangers? Fearful, or flatly refuses.
Cost? Not knowing where to look, how to start?
Or does she feel it would detract from her care? Mean she was failing? Was not good enough? Hiring extra help is just that - EXTRA help, not any failure.
If you can get some idea, then some deeper discussions around that can be held.
I found I moved from wanting to convince, to explore seeing each other's point of view.
Come back & update if you can.
I can relate. Brother told me I was my own worst enemy.
Maybe it is important to your sister. Maybe she is not unhappy with how she is caring for herself.
Regardless, since you are interested, there are a couple things you can do to make things better for her:
(1) express appreciation - a simple “thank you” will reduce her stress:’;
(2) give her a break by working for her;
(3) do something nice for her - gift certificate for a massage or a meal;
(4) best yet—- all of the above.
Support your sister and her efforts - don’t criticize.
Thanks for reading.
I say this because I was ‘your sister’ at one time in my life. I had my mom living in my home for 15 years. It’s exhausting to be the primary caregiver.
It is lovely that you care about your sister. Many of us did the caregiving without any help. Please keep the door open for her to be able to share her feelings.
The thought that always ran through my mind was...They are not going to do it the way I do. or Something is going to go "wrong". or any number of things that I could find in my head to prevent me from "letting go"
Well I found out that even if things were not done EXACTLY the way I did them things got done and the world did not spin off its axis. and I realized not much could go "wrong" as long as he was not injured he was fine, maybe in the back of my mind the fear that he would die and I would not be there was a thought.
I started with caregivers in "baby steps"
First day they "shadowed" me as I showed them what to do, how to do it.
I would stay in the house or outside and allow the caregiver to do what needed to be done. On the third day I would go to the store for a bit. So I was never more than 15 minutes away.
If you can convince your sister that there needs to be a caregiver that knows what to do incase something happens to her that might work.
The other option is to just get someone in to help. If not "direct care" then someone to do the laundry, clean, wash floors. If your sister does shopping have groceries delivered for her so she does not have to shop. If she does laundry if there is a laundry service that can be used that would help her. Have a meal or two delivered once in a while. Hire a cleaning service. These would all help without being an actual caregiver.
And if possible you care for mom one or two days and make a reservation for your sister to get hair and nails done. Or make a reservation at a local hotel for a weekend "staycation".
When did your mother break her hip?
How long has your sister been your mother's primary caregiver?
Can you describe a bit of the caregiving history? - for example, the classic pattern is what I think of as "snowballing": you start out providing occasional help with particular issues, which then becomes regular help with routine issues, which then becomes frequent help with both routine issues and crises... Before you know where you are you're helplessly cartwheeling downhill in an avalanche - and then somebody says "you're doing it all wrong/we're only trying to help/you need to take better care of yourself" and is surprised and hurt when you respond with immoderate and seemingly unreasonable rudeness.
I give your sister's possible viewpoint, you understand.
What sort of help is your sister refusing to consider? Has she fired useless/stupid/untrustworthy/unreliable caregivers or something?
How is your Sister at saying No to Mom? 🤔
Your concern for your Sister & pleas for her to look after herself may go unheeded if she lacks the tools to stand up to Mom. To say No occasionally. Helping her find her strength to do so may be the angle? Give her permission. Maybe some ready-made excuses, someone else to 'blame' or even sneaky tricks. A few examples;
* No Mom, I won't cancel the caregiver booked for tomorrow. She needs the work. We should help her out.
* Let the caregiver in, have a social cuppa all together, more like a social visit. Do this once or twice. Build rapport & trust first. Then the cuppa + go out for a short time.
* No asking permission from Mom for her own things. No "Do you mind if I go with my friends for lunch next week?" Nope. Don't prewarn much. Matter of fact. I'll be out Xday but lunch will be ready in the fridge for you.
Of course if Sister CAN say no to Mom but does not WANT to - that's another issue.
I believe my sister feels that she made the decision to be the caregiver and therefore feels obligated to take care of everything. I would not even entertain the idea of being the caregiver because I know my own limitations - (amongst many other reasons) However, I would do just about anything for my sister and I don’t like to see her so frustrated. I mentioned counseling or group therapy and she simply says she will be okay. I suppose I should let it alone and believe she’ll ask for help when she has had enough or when/if she really needs it.
Thank you for sharing your insight. Just being able to write my thoughts and gain a different perspective is quite therapeutic.
Barb
If you're talking about trying to talk a Caregiver in to putting their loved one in to a Senior Home for others to take care of. FORGET IT! Nursing Homes are the last place you want to be. You only go there if you can't afford Caregiver help to be able to stay in your own home or if you don't have a loved one to let you've with them.
Now if you're talking about helping the Caregiver yourself by volunteering so the Caregiver can have some much needed time off or you're offering to pay for a Caregiver for a few hours once a day, ect then that's another story and I'm sure the Caregiver would be more than happy to accept the help.
Your insisting they’re the worst places on earth is not only not true, it only makes caregivers feel worse. They’re already having a hard time and don’t need the guilt trip from you or anyone.
It’s great if you were the perfect person that did 24/7 impeccable caregiving for your family. Unfortunately not everyone can be that person.
Not every facility is a hell hole that kills people. There is no reason to shame people for making that choice, unless you’re willing to swoop in and be the caretaker yourself.