What if I refused to pick Mom up from the hospital?

No. you do not have to take her home. No you are not responsible for her well being at all. If you go to take her out they will ask you to sign the discharge papers and than you are responsible for her bills if she doesn't pay them, according to a friend of mine who works in discharge dept in a hospital. but I would consider speaking to the social worker that is handling your moms case in hospital and explain the situation to her and let her know she will need help once she is home. Hate to say it but sometimes things are for the best and this sounds like one of them.

i really am not sure if you can downright refuse. Do you have POA or any type of legal guardianship or responsibility? if you did, I assume you could be charged with neglect. This sounds like she needs to be in some sort of care facility. Maybe you could let the social worker at the hospital know this? I am aware that they don't seem to care and want family or whoever is responsible to handle it all. Best of luck. Sounds hellish to me

Yes, you can refuse to pick her up. But more importantly, before releasing a hospital patient, the hospital is supposed to confirm that there is a safe environment for the patient to go home to. Let them know she will have no help at home, and that she gets drunk and falls. They will probably send her to a rehab facility for short term rehab.

You do not have to pick her up. If she is unable to take care of herself at home DSS can get involved. If they deem her unable to care for herself they can appoint her a legal guardian. That person is usually a lawyer who will find a facility for her, etc. I believe you would need to sign something saying that you are not responsible for her. That does mean that they would use any/all of her assets to pay for her care beyond what medicare pays for. I am not a lawyer. I only know this because someone I am familiar with is going through a similar situation right now and this is how it was handled. You could call DSS yourself and explain the situation. Maybe they could give you some information.

The hospital must discharge her, but if they believe she is not safe to return to independent living, they are required to make referrals--for alternative living arrangements, or for assistance wherever she is going.

Christy, although you feel it is your responsibility to care for your parent(s), please be aware that not everyone is equipped or capable for providing the level of care their parent(s) need. In addition, verbal abuse is NOT a normal consequence of aging. I believe most people make some allowances for people with dementia who may become verbally abusive. Sometimes, the most loving care a son or daughter can provide is ensuring they are cared for by in the most appropriate environment and the most capable people.

Most of these answers are complete nonsense. What??? Just leave someone and go on with your life? How easy is that? It seems to me that most answers on this site, to questions are, "Hey, that's not your problem". Basically very little help for someone caring for someone that really needs help.

Because of Medicare rules, the hospital must discharge her. And they will.

ChristyCat,
You're a glowing example of recovery. NOT!

What happened to sharing our experience, strength and hope?

Recovery is ATTRACTION rather then promotion. What the heck are you promoting, mania? Because you sure aren't attracting anyone to the sober/clean life.

Upstream will read your vitriol and never want her Mom to get sober!

Maybe you haven't passed step 2 yet. Because you surely haven't been restored to sanity.

We're here to help each other by sharing our experiences. Not opinions and not shoving them down someone's throat!

Christy, you are verbally abusive and that is not tolerated here.

The simple fact of the matter is that children have no legal obligation to provide hands on care or financial support for their parents. Most of us here have helped our parents arrange their care, some have provided hands on care.

Taking care of a baby and taking care of a demented, or alcoholic or mentally ill parent is NOT something that a lone elder should attempt by themselves. That's my advice to Upstream.

And if that elderly loved one didnt raise you in at least a normal way it becomes even harder when they are aging. People may say to me your mother was there for you all those years and I have to sadly reply no she wasnt.

I’m sorry I have some more for you! Are you kidding me? I guess you are perfect! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS SERIOUS HELP! How dare you come on her in the burnt out section and complain! Oh you called an ambulance and begged a hospital to keep her! People on here have mothers,fathers,husbands,wives and on and on that have been LIVING WiTH and TENDING AND LOVING THERE LOVED ONE! My mom was an alcoholic and she’s clean now ! I have 10 years clean off drugs! Yes me and my mom fight but I would NEVER HAVE HER IN A HOUSE WHERE SHE IS HURTING HERSELF BEING ALONE! You are in need of alanon ! Go speak to someone about this! Your anger issues with her! She has a disease ! Open your eyes and look around this is not new your case is not special! This happens everyday and you get help first then you will realize that your mom has a problem. She needs you! She’s too old and set in her ways to do it on her own. She’s nasty because something in her life has caused this to happen to her! People do NOT wake up one day and say hey, I want to poison my self, drive my kids away and be a burden. Try to see her perspective! I know what it’s like to live with a neurotic drunk. But she’s my mom. Period!

No, her mother is NOT her responsibility.

You can't help an addict who doesn't want to be helped.

So....if she has all these issues, why would you leave her alone!?!?! I hope she’s not really old! Did she take care of you? As a child!???You owe her! She birthed you! How about get her some help for her drinking? She’s to old to do it alone! Look....It’s is what it is! What happened in the past or just yesterday is gone! Elderly get verbally abusive! That’s what they do. My grandma is the sweetest God fearing woman in the world and towards the end of her life now she flips her wig on people sometimes! Trust and believe whether you believe in God or karma or whatever your selfish self needs too help you sleep at night you NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOM! REGARDLESS OF POOR OLD YOU AND YOUR HURT FEELINGS! You will regret it one day. Then again if you can drop your mom and leave her with strangers that could potentially abuse her you must not have much of a heart! I will pray for you! Especially for your mother!

First I'm sorry that your mother is like that. If she hasn't been physical with you. And does live with you . She's sadly your responsibility . Perhaps get her tested for deminitia which is sad very sad but it may be an out for you. I'm responsible for my father who is very angry and verbally abusive as well. We lost my mother 2 years ago to small cell lung cancer. And he wakes up every morning the same self pitty and how can I make my daughter feel bad today.

It is hard but she`s your mom. Don`t give up on her, ask advice from your closest friends and see if there`s someone else your mom listens to that can help convince her to seek help. There are ways to deal with these situations, a specialist can provide the answers you need to hear.

POAs do not give you control over the person, just the transactions signed in the POA (usually financial)

Hospital staff are expected to initiate a discharge plan upon admission. A discharge destination should never be a surprise for the patient or the family. While the initial plan (such as to return home) may need to change due to the change in condition during hospitalization, there should be conversations with the patient and family member all along. That means there should be no surprise call to you (the daughter) that your mother is ready to be picked up if you have no plans to take her home. On the other hand, when she is admitted, you can let the staff know right away what your concerns are.

You can still refuse to pick her up if they try to insist. Although the hospital needs to discharge her, they are not allowed to "throw her out into the street." They are required to ensure she is discharged to environment where her needs can be met.

Bottom line, please communicate with her hospital care team as early in the admission as possible. While she's at home, contact an agency on aging or a geriatric case management resource for assistance.

Best of luck to you.

ask the hospital if they can get a social service or senior advocate you meet with you and then both of you. maybe they can get through to her about going too assisted living. most hospitals have advocates for just this reason. please don't listen to these people who say just don't go get her.  that won't solve anything.  she will find a way home,  continue to call you and if you have any kind of feelings for her at all you will be eaten up with guilt. You have to at least set her up with a social worker or advocate then tell her you can't keep watching her do that to herself.  then you can leave knowing you did what you could

Be careful about getting a court-appointed legal guardian. The two my friend's husband got were greedy, billed for many unnecessary hours, refused to let her discuss medical or financial things with her husband - AND would not let her know what was going on in either of those areas. Doctors were not allowed to discuss anything with her. She was not allowed in appts. Her opinion and requests for certain medical care were ignored often. The son living out of state accused this second long-time wife of abusive, threatening treatment which was far from the case which caused court to order guardian. The guardian separated the couple, and she was not allowed to be alone with him. Before all this he'd taken some falls including the one at the hospital where he broke his hip. The son had 3 doctors claim he was incompetent that didn't even know him and claimed all these falls were "under her care". what?!? The wife and he had moved to an asst. liv. facilitly .. and another more reasonably priced, but she wished later that they'd remained in their home and just gotten outside care for their home and themselves. The were both considerate to each other and made sure med treatments were secured if there was a problem for either of them. The husband wanted to be able to go to a restaurant, church, party etc., but guardian claimed he couldn't .. and therefore wasn't allowed to for over a year before he died. There were plenty old neighbors that would have made sure he was transferred safely even if CNR came along. Judge "wasn't allowed to" read letter from wife trying to remedy different things. More .. but horror story.

Yes. There is all manner of transportation available - it just isn't free.

I would assume they would send her home in a cab. The hospital probably has this happen quite often with elderly patiants. Maybe Dr could admit her to County nursing home, if there is one. Sell her house if she had one. Money to pay for someplace she cannot leave from or get alcohol. What a shame to have the end of life so messed up. Preparing for elder years should start when you are young.

You do not have to pick her up. Imagine the relief you will feel when you make that decision. It sounds like you have experienced major emotional trauma and mental abuse. It's time to step back and take care of yourself. There are many programs and services available for your mother. Social workers can make those arrangements for her. You do not have to be the one taking care of her under these circumstances. Take care of yourself, or you will be in the hospital yourself.

Im so sorry your going thru this. Tell the social worker and also ask for a geriatric care manager to get involved.

Answer is simple, just don’t pick her up. She needs rehab.

I assume you do not have POA for your mother, because if so, it could be criminal on your part of negligence. You didn't mention how she obtains her alcohol so I assume she drives. If her foot is not functional (to drive) hide her keys while she is in the hospital so that she cannot drive and give her longer time to sober up. Regarding her attitude, was she ever tested / diagnosed as being bipolar? Its difficult sometimes for people to see past alcoholism to other illnesses that could be the culprit to her demeanor. Best of Luck and Yes, pick her up.

Tough love.

Talk to discharge planner and say you won't pick her up. If they send her home refuse to do anything with her. Let her call 911 you don't have to take care of her. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU.
Talk to an elder law attorney and see what options are available. Just be sure they specialize in ELDER law.
Be strong.

Everyone above is correct but the emotional toll on you is going to be your biggest challenge. If you act in moments of anger, it's one problem, desperation, it's another, love, it's another issue and these are the things you need help with right away. Let mom's chips fall where they may for awhile. Alcoholism may be a disease but it's a choice not to get sober in this world of program after program. Get help for these issues through al-anon and counseling. Do it now before she "takes you with her."

We (7 siblings) met with an elder care lawyer. He told us no one can force you to get in your car, drive to a facility, pick up someone and take them wherever they want to go.
Hospital and nursing home discharge planners can get very aggressive and tell you you have to come. You can say no.
I feel like our father has high-jacked much of my life. Unless I say no, am firm but compassionate, he will continue to manipulate, create high drama, put his children against each other, and exploit each person’s vulnerabilities for his advantage. He is 90-why would anyone expect him to suddenly change now?
You are the only one that can live your life. Please, from someone who has been where you are, don’t let this toxic person hi-jack one more minute of your life.
People that say it is your responsibility to take away her car, get her admitted and treated. That is not right-she has made her bad choices her whole life. She has legal rights. Making you feel guilty because you cannot make it happen is just wrong.
You can call the police if you see her driving while under the influence. You can call Adult Protective Services or 911 if she threatens suicide.
It is not your responsibility to try and fix this-it has been many decades in the making.
Again, my heart goes out to you and anyone else dealing with a toxic elderly parent.

Upstream,
You dont HAVE to pick her up. No one is forcing you to go get her. The hospital can make arrangements for a medical transport to her house or just a taxi or uber depending on the circumstances.
Have you had a meeting with the doctors and social worker at the hospital about your mom? Maybe its time she lived in a facility where they can keep an eye on her 24/7? If she is still falling and drinking etc how about getting power of attorney to make decisions for her?
You can petition the court, tell them whats going on and see what they say.

It sounds like you dont want to be around your mom but it may be time to step in and say “ enough is enough, Im taking over”
You both will be better in the end.

Good Luck!