What if I refused to pick Mom up from the hospital?

YOU don't have to do anything. She can call a cab for a ride home.

This is just going to go on and on. Obviously, needing rehab/detox, but probably the hospital just wants to turf her out of there. She can be forced into a 3 day psych hold for verbalizing suicide desires...but beyond that, it's not going to be something an ER doc will handle.

AND stay tough. Don't let her move in with you.

Perhaps some Al-Anon (is that the support group for families of alcoholics?) could help you to understand her actions and how to set boundaries.

I’m guessing your mom’s still drinking with all the injuries...can the hospital or her regular doctor readmit her to rehab? I didn’t even know about senior rehab.

I think you can refuse to pick her up from hospital.

Refuse to pick her up from the hospital and also refuse to help her, if you are, at her home. She needs to figure this out.

You fundamentally disagree that it is safe for the hospital to discharge your mother home, yes?

So, I can't see how you can be expected to endorse a decision that you genuinely believe is wrong and not in your mother's best interests. More than refuse to collect her, state your active disagreement with the discharge and ask them to put it on record.

Upstream
No, you don’t have to pick her up.
It seems to me that it would be much like you or I being released. Depending on your mom’s diagnosis/condition at the time of discharge, while you may refuse to pick her up, sometimes hospitals send people home in a cab.
Since she is competent and drives she will probably just have them deliver her home.
If she can’t walk etc then the hospital might send her to rehab unless she arranged for another option.
Will she tell the nurse to call you? You just need to be ready to say no. Or call and tell the discharge folks ahead of time not to bother that you aren’t coming and they need to work it out with her.

Rough situation....As a 32 year sober recovering alkie myself, I know that no one can "talk sense" to her....The alkie wants to do the next best thing, which is to get another drink...I choose to not comment on what you might or might not do.

Grace + Peace,

Bob

I took my husband home the first time. They had him in rehabilitation for about 2 week they didn’t tell me his problem until the day they dismissed him brought him home and lord it was ok for about 2 weeks he just went over board trying to climb out the bedroom window got one of the neighbors to call police (I am l hard of hearing) he tell police he wants to leave this house and I am trying to kill him they took him to va hospital where he is still there I refuse to get him (he is in the mental ward) he has always been abusive Verabley and in the past physically and he has gotten aggressive with the nurses but they still wants to send him home with me I refuse can’t deal with him my health isn’t that good oh by the way I quite my job cause they say he needs 24/7 care I have lost all my health insurance believing the va would help a real joke VA hasn’t help me at all there the one who lied to me I wouldn’t have quit my job don’t get her let them figure out what to do

You don't have to pick her up and you don't have to be around her at all if she's abusive. Let her take care of herself.

Call Adult Protective Services and have them get involved.

If you feel she is a threat to herself--especially if she mentions suicide-- you can call the police and have her Baker acted. Doctors will take a Baker Act more seriously. If doctors are not taking her threats of suicide seriously, file complaints..I would get in touch with hospital administration and mention malpractice... Hospitalization for detox and have the psychiatrist start her on meds. You have to get in touch with social workers and discuss discharge options and if she is incompetent she will need a court-appointed legal guardian--if she has a car the court (which will be held in the psychiatric center) will revoke her driving privileges. Permanently. If she is a drunk she has no business driving because she will end up killing someone or herself. But I definitely would file complaints and get in touch with hospital administration if she is receiving poor care. These doctors are making millions a year living champagne and caviar lifestyles-- they collect the money without issue so you can at least demand decent care.

Midkid is right, this will go on and on. It's up to you to stop it. I know you feel guilty, but you don't deserve to be treated like this. Good luck.

Just don't answer the phone. Screen your calls. Your not available. Ooops, busy didn't get the call.

You are not required to pick her up. The hospital cannot keep her after a certain point, because her Medicare won't pay for it. Let her figure it out for herself. You do not deserve to be abused by your own
mother.

upstream, I am so sad for what you’ve had to deal with all these years. I’m also the only child of a seriously unbalanced mother, no other relatives, and it is SO lonely.  Your mom is just very ill. None of her ire and desperation is meant for you per se, you’re just the only one there. I’m with midkid, if you haven’t tried Al-Anon meetings I think you should go. NO don’t pick her up. She should not be living alone.  Hopefully you can do more calling and contacting to get social services and her insurance acting for her serious emotional and physical problems.  I hadn’t heard of Baker Act, sounds worth knowing. She sounds like a nightmare, but she’s also extremely lost and maybe you can steer her to the right help this time. Just don’t be the one to give the help directly. I think Al-Anon is going to get you on the right track. Bless you and good luck.

Others are absolutely correct, you should refuse to pick her up. And one thing I did not see mentioned here, if it were me, I would change my phone number and make it unlisted. You have to protect and care for YOU.

Upstream,
You dont HAVE to pick her up. No one is forcing you to go get her. The hospital can make arrangements for a medical transport to her house or just a taxi or uber depending on the circumstances.
Have you had a meeting with the doctors and social worker at the hospital about your mom? Maybe its time she lived in a facility where they can keep an eye on her 24/7? If she is still falling and drinking etc how about getting power of attorney to make decisions for her?
You can petition the court, tell them whats going on and see what they say.

It sounds like you dont want to be around your mom but it may be time to step in and say “ enough is enough, Im taking over”
You both will be better in the end.

Good Luck!

We (7 siblings) met with an elder care lawyer. He told us no one can force you to get in your car, drive to a facility, pick up someone and take them wherever they want to go.
Hospital and nursing home discharge planners can get very aggressive and tell you you have to come. You can say no.
I feel like our father has high-jacked much of my life. Unless I say no, am firm but compassionate, he will continue to manipulate, create high drama, put his children against each other, and exploit each person’s vulnerabilities for his advantage. He is 90-why would anyone expect him to suddenly change now?
You are the only one that can live your life. Please, from someone who has been where you are, don’t let this toxic person hi-jack one more minute of your life.
People that say it is your responsibility to take away her car, get her admitted and treated. That is not right-she has made her bad choices her whole life. She has legal rights. Making you feel guilty because you cannot make it happen is just wrong.
You can call the police if you see her driving while under the influence. You can call Adult Protective Services or 911 if she threatens suicide.
It is not your responsibility to try and fix this-it has been many decades in the making.
Again, my heart goes out to you and anyone else dealing with a toxic elderly parent.

Everyone above is correct but the emotional toll on you is going to be your biggest challenge. If you act in moments of anger, it's one problem, desperation, it's another, love, it's another issue and these are the things you need help with right away. Let mom's chips fall where they may for awhile. Alcoholism may be a disease but it's a choice not to get sober in this world of program after program. Get help for these issues through al-anon and counseling. Do it now before she "takes you with her."

Talk to discharge planner and say you won't pick her up. If they send her home refuse to do anything with her. Let her call 911 you don't have to take care of her. DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU.
Talk to an elder law attorney and see what options are available. Just be sure they specialize in ELDER law.
Be strong.

Tough love.

I assume you do not have POA for your mother, because if so, it could be criminal on your part of negligence. You didn't mention how she obtains her alcohol so I assume she drives. If her foot is not functional (to drive) hide her keys while she is in the hospital so that she cannot drive and give her longer time to sober up. Regarding her attitude, was she ever tested / diagnosed as being bipolar? Its difficult sometimes for people to see past alcoholism to other illnesses that could be the culprit to her demeanor. Best of Luck and Yes, pick her up.

Answer is simple, just don’t pick her up. She needs rehab.

Im so sorry your going thru this. Tell the social worker and also ask for a geriatric care manager to get involved.

You do not have to pick her up. Imagine the relief you will feel when you make that decision. It sounds like you have experienced major emotional trauma and mental abuse. It's time to step back and take care of yourself. There are many programs and services available for your mother. Social workers can make those arrangements for her. You do not have to be the one taking care of her under these circumstances. Take care of yourself, or you will be in the hospital yourself.

I would assume they would send her home in a cab. The hospital probably has this happen quite often with elderly patiants. Maybe Dr could admit her to County nursing home, if there is one. Sell her house if she had one. Money to pay for someplace she cannot leave from or get alcohol. What a shame to have the end of life so messed up. Preparing for elder years should start when you are young.

Yes. There is all manner of transportation available - it just isn't free.

Be careful about getting a court-appointed legal guardian. The two my friend's husband got were greedy, billed for many unnecessary hours, refused to let her discuss medical or financial things with her husband - AND would not let her know what was going on in either of those areas. Doctors were not allowed to discuss anything with her. She was not allowed in appts. Her opinion and requests for certain medical care were ignored often. The son living out of state accused this second long-time wife of abusive, threatening treatment which was far from the case which caused court to order guardian. The guardian separated the couple, and she was not allowed to be alone with him. Before all this he'd taken some falls including the one at the hospital where he broke his hip. The son had 3 doctors claim he was incompetent that didn't even know him and claimed all these falls were "under her care". what?!? The wife and he had moved to an asst. liv. facilitly .. and another more reasonably priced, but she wished later that they'd remained in their home and just gotten outside care for their home and themselves. The were both considerate to each other and made sure med treatments were secured if there was a problem for either of them. The husband wanted to be able to go to a restaurant, church, party etc., but guardian claimed he couldn't .. and therefore wasn't allowed to for over a year before he died. There were plenty old neighbors that would have made sure he was transferred safely even if CNR came along. Judge "wasn't allowed to" read letter from wife trying to remedy different things. More .. but horror story.

ask the hospital if they can get a social service or senior advocate you meet with you and then both of you. maybe they can get through to her about going too assisted living. most hospitals have advocates for just this reason. please don't listen to these people who say just don't go get her.  that won't solve anything.  she will find a way home,  continue to call you and if you have any kind of feelings for her at all you will be eaten up with guilt. You have to at least set her up with a social worker or advocate then tell her you can't keep watching her do that to herself.  then you can leave knowing you did what you could

Hospital staff are expected to initiate a discharge plan upon admission. A discharge destination should never be a surprise for the patient or the family. While the initial plan (such as to return home) may need to change due to the change in condition during hospitalization, there should be conversations with the patient and family member all along. That means there should be no surprise call to you (the daughter) that your mother is ready to be picked up if you have no plans to take her home. On the other hand, when she is admitted, you can let the staff know right away what your concerns are.

You can still refuse to pick her up if they try to insist. Although the hospital needs to discharge her, they are not allowed to "throw her out into the street." They are required to ensure she is discharged to environment where her needs can be met.

Bottom line, please communicate with her hospital care team as early in the admission as possible. While she's at home, contact an agency on aging or a geriatric case management resource for assistance.

Best of luck to you.

POAs do not give you control over the person, just the transactions signed in the POA (usually financial)