What if I refused to pick Mom up from the hospital?

Upstream - Have you tried to hire a Daily Money Manager (DMM) to work with your mother? Sometimes the senior will work with a DMM before they need care from a health caregiver. I am a DMM in Falls Church, VA and I work with seniors in their homes (when they refuse to move). I have two clients that would be unable to live safely in their homes if I did not visit them once a week. You can find a DMM in your area through the AADMM.COM website.

To Christycat - Upstream is just as deserving of care and consideration as her mom. You do not seem to be taking this into consideration - no one should set themselves on fire to keep another warm. Especially if it will not do anything to fix mom. That is where professionals may help, but don't try to rope in the amateurs.

Your mom’s drinking problem is bigger than you. You cannot cure her and you did not cause her to drink. She needs professional help and you should not have any guilt. You could spend all you time trying to help her and she is still going to drink. Talk to the social worker to get her professional help.  And take your life back. 

It's time for mama to put on her big girl panties and call herself a cab. You need to take a time out for your sanity, and let mama fail on her own. If she's competent, she should be allowed to make bad choices. If she's not competent, then the hospital retains liability for an unsafe discharge only if you refuse to participate in her discharge.

She can hire help, she can get on the dole, but nothing is worth your marriage or your sanity. I walked when I was made to feel like dirt and that nothing was good enough. I had to learn to set boundaries.

Don't ever listen to anyone who would call you a lousy daughter. Unfortunately, your mother isn't the best. Just because you are her daughter doesn't mean she has to move in with you. You need to make sure your needs are met. And listen, if you husband says he will leave, believe him.

I think it is wonderful that you are being honest with your gut and being proactive about trying to have a plan in place for the inevitable next trip to hospital  and what to do with that. Unfortunately if hospital feels she is no longer in need for medical care they will discharge her because insurance will not cover . .if she is not there for a certain period of time she cannot be transferred to rehab depending on reason for hospitalization so tough to say. I would try contacting social services in your area to find out legally exactly what your responsibility is in this situation because you do not want to find yourself with legal entanglement . ..varies depending on states but get this information now so you know EXACTLY what options you do have ahead of time. ...the only  option  you may need to face  is having  her a ward of state  as far as guardianship  but that is  a  wiping  your  hands clean  and very hard . ..in the end the only  one who knows  what  is best is you  and your  gut.

BarbBrooklyn, I don't have any news to report. When I made the original post, my mom was not hospitalized. But, she has been hospitalized 3 times since March 1 and I feel that it will happen again soon. I posted the question because each time she comes home worse. She has mental health issues and abuses alcohol, and is verbally abusive. My husband has already said he will leave if I try to move her in, and I don't blame him. I'm probably a lousy daughter but I'm trying to do all I can so that I do not get stuck with her. She is only 76 and her own mother lived to age 97. I an unwilling to sacrifice another decade or two to be her caregiver. Her lifestyle has brought nothing but drama to my life for the last decade and I've about run out of gas, so to speak!

Upstream, do you have any news?

I'm in CA and I am not reading or hearing in the news of adult children being pursued and prosecuted to pay for their parents' care. It does not seem to be happening. Nobody seems to be moving out of CA for this particular reason.

Upstream:

I am sorry your mother has abused you all your life.

I do not feel that morally an adult child should be required to care for their lifelong abuser simply because they share genes.

Still, it is wise to talk to an elder care attorney in your state to ensure that you do not live in a state with filial responsibility laws. This is for your protection. You can move to another state to avoid the law.

In those types of states, unless you can prove the parent has been estranged from you for ten years or more or has physically abused you, with reports filed, then you may be on the hook financially for her care.

Here are the states that still harbor these antiquated filial responsibility laws.

Currently, thirty states (Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, ...

Does State Law Require You to Support You Aging Parent?

www.medicalalertadvice.com/articles/does-state-law-require-you-to-support-your-aging-parent/

Her comments are still there.

Suii7005,

Cristycat posted hostile remarks about many of the comments on this thread, complete with angry cussing. I reported her post, and probably others did too, and it was removed.

You must get an elder law attorney to help you get a person appointed as her power of attorney so you can get out decision making for your mother. It's worth your peace of mind. If she is indigent she can get a public administer (which isn't quick and not preferred). Frankly, if I were you I pay the attorney personally to get yourself out of the responsibility for your mother. If she has mentation problems, the process can be longer, but you need to proactively act, or you'll be the one called. And called, and called...

Pepsee, you are so right with these words ""This is where Mom ends....And I begin."
Wishing you the best, Upstream!

Hate to say it. Legal advice might be in order. For your protection and hers.

Talk to the Hospital Discharge person face to face. Tell them you are not picking her up because she lives alone and it is not safe for her to go home. Tell that person that you will get APS involved if they need it. Make sure that is all on her record. Then it truly is in the hospitals hands. They won’t want to send her home, in case something happens, when they have been warned beforehand. Be sure to tell how many times she has fallen and ask them to pull all of her records there. Good luck and stay strong.

Upstream, I hope you didn't take some of the more, well, strange, comments that appeared on this thread for some reason suddenly too much to heart. No need to defend yourself.

I agree with Pepsee's comments and advice wholeheartedly.

Hi Upstream,
I'm sure it's been a long hard journey for you, on so many levels. This is a family disease as it's affects are far reaching. So forget what it does to those close by. In the line of fire, if you will.

A thousand ppl can tell you to step back, but until you're satisfied you've had enough, it doesn't matter. Hopefully you're at that point.

There's not much I can tell you about alcoholic behaviors nor how to help. I'm sure you've covered and seen it all. And my heart goes out to you.

It takes so much work to get just one day of sobriety. Let alone maintaining it for any period of time. Every moment is like torture, in the beginning.

Mom has a soul sickness. Alcohol is her solution.....to everything. Every pain, loss, disappointment and fear. It feels good to drink ourselves numb, into Oblivion. It shuts our emotions, mind and memories down. Alcoholics even have pain inside with no clue where it originated. They just hurt, become bitter, angry and self loathing. Then defensive and lash out.

They know their being judged. They are well aware what ppl say about them. And trust me, they feel the same way about themselves. No one can beat up an alcoholic more then themselves. No one.

Mom sees no easy way out. She surely isn't willing, at this age, to put in the work to change. Look at it from her point of view. She's pushing 80, sick, tired, and feels like she's in a deep dark hole. The climb is just too much.

The one thing she'd need to get sober, she doesn't have...hope.

Let her live and die as she chooses. I strongly doubt she'll make it anywhere near her 90s.

Unplug from her now. It's hard to want more for someone, then they want for themselves. At this point say...

"This is where Mom ends....And I begin."

I'd suggest not enabling her drinking nor it's consequences. Buy her a LifeLine device, and walk away.... completely.

If need be, talk to a therapist and/ or hit a few Al-Anon meetings. They will teach you to detach with love and without guilt and poisonist resentments. Plus untangled the madness that's left behind, in you.

Big Cyber Huggz Upstream! Your new chapter is just beginning! 🤗

Talk to a social worker.

Well said Upstream! You’ve truly done all you can or should. I hope you enjoy life now. We simply can’t change the choices of others

Please talk to a social worker.

I am the original poster. My thoughts are that my mother needs to be in a facility of some sort. When they discharged her from the latest hospital stay I begged them not to and I told them about the way she lives. They informed me that she is competent to make her own decisions, and she is allowed to make bad decisions. That's where we are at. I am trying to take care of myself - I run a small business and have a great marriage and home life. I feel that my mother's behavior could take down my life and ruin it, piece by piece. Part of the reason I would REFUSE to pick her up is that 1) I do NOT want to take responsibility for her actions and DO NOT want to be held accountable for them, and 2) She needs to be living somewhere else than that house. She informed me this weekend she will "die in that house" and there will be no more talk of moving her out. I resent any idea that she will be shoved off into my care and that my life will be sacrificed for hers. She is only 76, her own mother lived to be 97, so we are talking about a potentially very long future for us all! Thanks to everyone who responded - it is so helpful to me in so many ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Christycat39, I am the original poster. I have given the last decade to my parents trying to resolve their issues. It soaked up my years from age 41 to now age 51. I have no more to give. I would say that what they have put me through is fair "pay back" for their years of raising me as a child (when they were in their 20s and 30s). They had power over me as a child, and could tell me what to do - and I did it. I have spent a very frustrating decade trying to direct the behavior of two bilegerent elders to no avail. Get a clue.

How does the saying go? The definition of "insanity" is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting a different result? That goes for you, too. You keep trying to help the person, coming to their rescue, but with the same result. If your mom doesn't want help with her alcoholism, or refuses to act in an appropriate manner toward you, you need to step away because the result isn't going to change until SHE is willing to change it. With addicts, it doesn't happen until they hit their "bottom"....and some never hit their true bottom. So, instead of trying to care for them, you have to care for yourself and protect yourself, and if that means refusing to pick her up and/or care for her upon her return home, then so be it. As someone else stated, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You are entitled to live your life, too. Guilt is also a very useless, but powerful, emotion, so try not to succumb to it because it serves no positive purpose.

BarbBrooklyn, you are right and one that has given the wisest and most sound advice on this forum. Disregard any negative comments.

Of course you can refuse! Why couldn’t you? I’m assuming you aren’t her guardian, or power of attorney, correct? If you aren’t then you have no legal obligation to do anything for her. Letting her abuse you is not something you should allow. Call the hospital social worker and tell her your situation. If there are no relatives who want to be involved the hospital will have the state take over.

After I took mom to the hospital & to avoid any talk about bringing her home ... I told them that I would have mom charged with elder abuse for my dad & my husband - they tried one more time but I wasn't being lured by their promises of future help - they very soon quit trying - STAY FIRM & DON'Y CAVE INTO THEIR PROMISES

Your mom will be better off in the hands of professionals because if you could have helped her, you would have long ago & she'd be sober now - this is not a negative comment about you because I'm sure you have tried many times but a realistic comment about her not being able to help herself

You now meed to make your plan for how to deal with her in the future & stick with it even go as far as writing it out then so when they ask just pass the papers over - have it on hand so that the hospital knows that you have a well thought out [pre-]plan & won't be changing it - I'd even put in big letters on front or second page that you will not be persuaded to change your mind & that the second request will be treated as un-necessary harrassment with legal conscquences to those who do so ... that should abruptly stop them in their tracks

Be supportive & visit her but DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU - if you do she will corrupt your life & you may never recover - we all hope the best for you but you must know that sitting down & doing a written game plan may be the best way to make those who might try to persuade you otherwise that it is a 'NO GO' - the fact that you have prepared a written text means that you are with it & have done much thinking on the matter it is not just off the cuff - good luck & stay firm

Upstream, hope all goes well for you. Be sure to totally disregard the people who have posted nasty, abusive comments as well as those trying to guilt you. YOU are important, too, and need to do what is right for you.

I knew someone very recently who should be living in a nursing home due to so many problems; she went AMA from the hospital and coerced her son into picking her up. She has since fallen numerous times and is back in the hospital. And this is someone who is not alcoholic and should be able to make sound decisions but is too stubborn for her own good. And by the way, son totally was guilted into being her ride and regretted it the minute he picked her up.

Add, alcoholism into the mixture, and you are right to think she shouldn't be home by herself, but you have had the weight of the world on your shoulders and cannot fix her and you are not responsible to do so. Refusing to pick her up might just be the indicator the hospital needs to make alternative living arrangements.

Take care of yourself.

My mother’s sister had my grandmother admitted to a nursing home because she wouldn’t stop drinking and was a danger to herself and others. She went directly from a hospital stay to the nursing home. A social worker and a doctor helped with this decision. She could no longer care for herself and just drank all day and every day. It was a fall that got her admitted to the hospital and then sequed right to a nursing home.

Cetud, you made a statement that is so true. Drs don't diagnosed anymore. Most of them are "specialists" and don't know much at all. 3 weeks I spent in hospital. I went in because I passed out and fell. Left hosp with no diagnosis. I have had RA for 15 yrs. I CD run the RA dept.

As for our friend she alone can take our suggestions and do what she feels is right. Life is short. But I pray she gets to live it and not live her mother's life.