What if I refused to pick Mom up from the hospital?

Hate to say it. Legal advice might be in order. For your protection and hers.

Pepsee, you are so right with these words ""This is where Mom ends....And I begin."
Wishing you the best, Upstream!

You must get an elder law attorney to help you get a person appointed as her power of attorney so you can get out decision making for your mother. It's worth your peace of mind. If she is indigent she can get a public administer (which isn't quick and not preferred). Frankly, if I were you I pay the attorney personally to get yourself out of the responsibility for your mother. If she has mentation problems, the process can be longer, but you need to proactively act, or you'll be the one called. And called, and called...

Suii7005,

Cristycat posted hostile remarks about many of the comments on this thread, complete with angry cussing. I reported her post, and probably others did too, and it was removed.

Her comments are still there.

Upstream:

I am sorry your mother has abused you all your life.

I do not feel that morally an adult child should be required to care for their lifelong abuser simply because they share genes.

Still, it is wise to talk to an elder care attorney in your state to ensure that you do not live in a state with filial responsibility laws. This is for your protection. You can move to another state to avoid the law.

In those types of states, unless you can prove the parent has been estranged from you for ten years or more or has physically abused you, with reports filed, then you may be on the hook financially for her care.

Here are the states that still harbor these antiquated filial responsibility laws.

Currently, thirty states (Alaska, Arkansas, California, Connecticut, Delaware, Georgia, Idaho, Indiana, Iowa, Kentucky, Louisiana, Maryland, Massachusetts, Mississippi, Montana, Nevada, New Hampshire, New Jersey, North Carolina, North Dakota, Ohio, Oregon, Pennsylvania, Rhode Island, South Dakota, Tennessee, Utah, ...

Does State Law Require You to Support You Aging Parent?

www.medicalalertadvice.com/articles/does-state-law-require-you-to-support-your-aging-parent/

I'm in CA and I am not reading or hearing in the news of adult children being pursued and prosecuted to pay for their parents' care. It does not seem to be happening. Nobody seems to be moving out of CA for this particular reason.

Upstream, do you have any news?

BarbBrooklyn, I don't have any news to report. When I made the original post, my mom was not hospitalized. But, she has been hospitalized 3 times since March 1 and I feel that it will happen again soon. I posted the question because each time she comes home worse. She has mental health issues and abuses alcohol, and is verbally abusive. My husband has already said he will leave if I try to move her in, and I don't blame him. I'm probably a lousy daughter but I'm trying to do all I can so that I do not get stuck with her. She is only 76 and her own mother lived to age 97. I an unwilling to sacrifice another decade or two to be her caregiver. Her lifestyle has brought nothing but drama to my life for the last decade and I've about run out of gas, so to speak!

I think it is wonderful that you are being honest with your gut and being proactive about trying to have a plan in place for the inevitable next trip to hospital  and what to do with that. Unfortunately if hospital feels she is no longer in need for medical care they will discharge her because insurance will not cover . .if she is not there for a certain period of time she cannot be transferred to rehab depending on reason for hospitalization so tough to say. I would try contacting social services in your area to find out legally exactly what your responsibility is in this situation because you do not want to find yourself with legal entanglement . ..varies depending on states but get this information now so you know EXACTLY what options you do have ahead of time. ...the only  option  you may need to face  is having  her a ward of state  as far as guardianship  but that is  a  wiping  your  hands clean  and very hard . ..in the end the only  one who knows  what  is best is you  and your  gut.

Don't ever listen to anyone who would call you a lousy daughter. Unfortunately, your mother isn't the best. Just because you are her daughter doesn't mean she has to move in with you. You need to make sure your needs are met. And listen, if you husband says he will leave, believe him.

It's time for mama to put on her big girl panties and call herself a cab. You need to take a time out for your sanity, and let mama fail on her own. If she's competent, she should be allowed to make bad choices. If she's not competent, then the hospital retains liability for an unsafe discharge only if you refuse to participate in her discharge.

She can hire help, she can get on the dole, but nothing is worth your marriage or your sanity. I walked when I was made to feel like dirt and that nothing was good enough. I had to learn to set boundaries.

Your mom’s drinking problem is bigger than you. You cannot cure her and you did not cause her to drink. She needs professional help and you should not have any guilt. You could spend all you time trying to help her and she is still going to drink. Talk to the social worker to get her professional help.  And take your life back. 

To Christycat - Upstream is just as deserving of care and consideration as her mom. You do not seem to be taking this into consideration - no one should set themselves on fire to keep another warm. Especially if it will not do anything to fix mom. That is where professionals may help, but don't try to rope in the amateurs.

Upstream - Have you tried to hire a Daily Money Manager (DMM) to work with your mother? Sometimes the senior will work with a DMM before they need care from a health caregiver. I am a DMM in Falls Church, VA and I work with seniors in their homes (when they refuse to move). I have two clients that would be unable to live safely in their homes if I did not visit them once a week. You can find a DMM in your area through the AADMM.COM website.