What if I refused to pick Mom up from the hospital?

It is hard but she`s your mom. Don`t give up on her, ask advice from your closest friends and see if there`s someone else your mom listens to that can help convince her to seek help. There are ways to deal with these situations, a specialist can provide the answers you need to hear.

First I'm sorry that your mother is like that. If she hasn't been physical with you. And does live with you . She's sadly your responsibility . Perhaps get her tested for deminitia which is sad very sad but it may be an out for you. I'm responsible for my father who is very angry and verbally abusive as well. We lost my mother 2 years ago to small cell lung cancer. And he wakes up every morning the same self pitty and how can I make my daughter feel bad today.

So....if she has all these issues, why would you leave her alone!?!?! I hope she’s not really old! Did she take care of you? As a child!???You owe her! She birthed you! How about get her some help for her drinking? She’s to old to do it alone! Look....It’s is what it is! What happened in the past or just yesterday is gone! Elderly get verbally abusive! That’s what they do. My grandma is the sweetest God fearing woman in the world and towards the end of her life now she flips her wig on people sometimes! Trust and believe whether you believe in God or karma or whatever your selfish self needs too help you sleep at night you NEED TO TAKE CARE OF YOUR MOM! REGARDLESS OF POOR OLD YOU AND YOUR HURT FEELINGS! You will regret it one day. Then again if you can drop your mom and leave her with strangers that could potentially abuse her you must not have much of a heart! I will pray for you! Especially for your mother!

No, her mother is NOT her responsibility.

You can't help an addict who doesn't want to be helped.

I’m sorry I have some more for you! Are you kidding me? I guess you are perfect! YOU ARE THE ONE WHO NEEDS SERIOUS HELP! How dare you come on her in the burnt out section and complain! Oh you called an ambulance and begged a hospital to keep her! People on here have mothers,fathers,husbands,wives and on and on that have been LIVING WiTH and TENDING AND LOVING THERE LOVED ONE! My mom was an alcoholic and she’s clean now ! I have 10 years clean off drugs! Yes me and my mom fight but I would NEVER HAVE HER IN A HOUSE WHERE SHE IS HURTING HERSELF BEING ALONE! You are in need of alanon ! Go speak to someone about this! Your anger issues with her! She has a disease ! Open your eyes and look around this is not new your case is not special! This happens everyday and you get help first then you will realize that your mom has a problem. She needs you! She’s too old and set in her ways to do it on her own. She’s nasty because something in her life has caused this to happen to her! People do NOT wake up one day and say hey, I want to poison my self, drive my kids away and be a burden. Try to see her perspective! I know what it’s like to live with a neurotic drunk. But she’s my mom. Period!

And if that elderly loved one didnt raise you in at least a normal way it becomes even harder when they are aging. People may say to me your mother was there for you all those years and I have to sadly reply no she wasnt.

Christy, you are verbally abusive and that is not tolerated here.

The simple fact of the matter is that children have no legal obligation to provide hands on care or financial support for their parents. Most of us here have helped our parents arrange their care, some have provided hands on care.

Taking care of a baby and taking care of a demented, or alcoholic or mentally ill parent is NOT something that a lone elder should attempt by themselves. That's my advice to Upstream.

ChristyCat,
You're a glowing example of recovery. NOT!

What happened to sharing our experience, strength and hope?

Recovery is ATTRACTION rather then promotion. What the heck are you promoting, mania? Because you sure aren't attracting anyone to the sober/clean life.

Upstream will read your vitriol and never want her Mom to get sober!

Maybe you haven't passed step 2 yet. Because you surely haven't been restored to sanity.

We're here to help each other by sharing our experiences. Not opinions and not shoving them down someone's throat!

Because of Medicare rules, the hospital must discharge her. And they will.

Most of these answers are complete nonsense. What??? Just leave someone and go on with your life? How easy is that? It seems to me that most answers on this site, to questions are, "Hey, that's not your problem". Basically very little help for someone caring for someone that really needs help.

The hospital must discharge her, but if they believe she is not safe to return to independent living, they are required to make referrals--for alternative living arrangements, or for assistance wherever she is going.

Christy, although you feel it is your responsibility to care for your parent(s), please be aware that not everyone is equipped or capable for providing the level of care their parent(s) need. In addition, verbal abuse is NOT a normal consequence of aging. I believe most people make some allowances for people with dementia who may become verbally abusive. Sometimes, the most loving care a son or daughter can provide is ensuring they are cared for by in the most appropriate environment and the most capable people.

You do not have to pick her up. If she is unable to take care of herself at home DSS can get involved. If they deem her unable to care for herself they can appoint her a legal guardian. That person is usually a lawyer who will find a facility for her, etc. I believe you would need to sign something saying that you are not responsible for her. That does mean that they would use any/all of her assets to pay for her care beyond what medicare pays for. I am not a lawyer. I only know this because someone I am familiar with is going through a similar situation right now and this is how it was handled. You could call DSS yourself and explain the situation. Maybe they could give you some information.

Yes, you can refuse to pick her up. But more importantly, before releasing a hospital patient, the hospital is supposed to confirm that there is a safe environment for the patient to go home to. Let them know she will have no help at home, and that she gets drunk and falls. They will probably send her to a rehab facility for short term rehab.

i really am not sure if you can downright refuse. Do you have POA or any type of legal guardianship or responsibility? if you did, I assume you could be charged with neglect. This sounds like she needs to be in some sort of care facility. Maybe you could let the social worker at the hospital know this? I am aware that they don't seem to care and want family or whoever is responsible to handle it all. Best of luck. Sounds hellish to me

No. you do not have to take her home. No you are not responsible for her well being at all. If you go to take her out they will ask you to sign the discharge papers and than you are responsible for her bills if she doesn't pay them, according to a friend of mine who works in discharge dept in a hospital. but I would consider speaking to the social worker that is handling your moms case in hospital and explain the situation to her and let her know she will need help once she is home. Hate to say it but sometimes things are for the best and this sounds like one of them.

Cetud, you made a statement that is so true. Drs don't diagnosed anymore. Most of them are "specialists" and don't know much at all. 3 weeks I spent in hospital. I went in because I passed out and fell. Left hosp with no diagnosis. I have had RA for 15 yrs. I CD run the RA dept.

As for our friend she alone can take our suggestions and do what she feels is right. Life is short. But I pray she gets to live it and not live her mother's life.

My mother’s sister had my grandmother admitted to a nursing home because she wouldn’t stop drinking and was a danger to herself and others. She went directly from a hospital stay to the nursing home. A social worker and a doctor helped with this decision. She could no longer care for herself and just drank all day and every day. It was a fall that got her admitted to the hospital and then sequed right to a nursing home.

Upstream, hope all goes well for you. Be sure to totally disregard the people who have posted nasty, abusive comments as well as those trying to guilt you. YOU are important, too, and need to do what is right for you.

I knew someone very recently who should be living in a nursing home due to so many problems; she went AMA from the hospital and coerced her son into picking her up. She has since fallen numerous times and is back in the hospital. And this is someone who is not alcoholic and should be able to make sound decisions but is too stubborn for her own good. And by the way, son totally was guilted into being her ride and regretted it the minute he picked her up.

Add, alcoholism into the mixture, and you are right to think she shouldn't be home by herself, but you have had the weight of the world on your shoulders and cannot fix her and you are not responsible to do so. Refusing to pick her up might just be the indicator the hospital needs to make alternative living arrangements.

Take care of yourself.

After I took mom to the hospital & to avoid any talk about bringing her home ... I told them that I would have mom charged with elder abuse for my dad & my husband - they tried one more time but I wasn't being lured by their promises of future help - they very soon quit trying - STAY FIRM & DON'Y CAVE INTO THEIR PROMISES

Your mom will be better off in the hands of professionals because if you could have helped her, you would have long ago & she'd be sober now - this is not a negative comment about you because I'm sure you have tried many times but a realistic comment about her not being able to help herself

You now meed to make your plan for how to deal with her in the future & stick with it even go as far as writing it out then so when they ask just pass the papers over - have it on hand so that the hospital knows that you have a well thought out [pre-]plan & won't be changing it - I'd even put in big letters on front or second page that you will not be persuaded to change your mind & that the second request will be treated as un-necessary harrassment with legal conscquences to those who do so ... that should abruptly stop them in their tracks

Be supportive & visit her but DO NOT LET HER MOVE IN WITH YOU - if you do she will corrupt your life & you may never recover - we all hope the best for you but you must know that sitting down & doing a written game plan may be the best way to make those who might try to persuade you otherwise that it is a 'NO GO' - the fact that you have prepared a written text means that you are with it & have done much thinking on the matter it is not just off the cuff - good luck & stay firm

Of course you can refuse! Why couldn’t you? I’m assuming you aren’t her guardian, or power of attorney, correct? If you aren’t then you have no legal obligation to do anything for her. Letting her abuse you is not something you should allow. Call the hospital social worker and tell her your situation. If there are no relatives who want to be involved the hospital will have the state take over.

BarbBrooklyn, you are right and one that has given the wisest and most sound advice on this forum. Disregard any negative comments.

How does the saying go? The definition of "insanity" is repeating the same behavior over and over expecting a different result? That goes for you, too. You keep trying to help the person, coming to their rescue, but with the same result. If your mom doesn't want help with her alcoholism, or refuses to act in an appropriate manner toward you, you need to step away because the result isn't going to change until SHE is willing to change it. With addicts, it doesn't happen until they hit their "bottom"....and some never hit their true bottom. So, instead of trying to care for them, you have to care for yourself and protect yourself, and if that means refusing to pick her up and/or care for her upon her return home, then so be it. As someone else stated, you can't help someone who doesn't want to be helped. You are entitled to live your life, too. Guilt is also a very useless, but powerful, emotion, so try not to succumb to it because it serves no positive purpose.

Christycat39, I am the original poster. I have given the last decade to my parents trying to resolve their issues. It soaked up my years from age 41 to now age 51. I have no more to give. I would say that what they have put me through is fair "pay back" for their years of raising me as a child (when they were in their 20s and 30s). They had power over me as a child, and could tell me what to do - and I did it. I have spent a very frustrating decade trying to direct the behavior of two bilegerent elders to no avail. Get a clue.

I am the original poster. My thoughts are that my mother needs to be in a facility of some sort. When they discharged her from the latest hospital stay I begged them not to and I told them about the way she lives. They informed me that she is competent to make her own decisions, and she is allowed to make bad decisions. That's where we are at. I am trying to take care of myself - I run a small business and have a great marriage and home life. I feel that my mother's behavior could take down my life and ruin it, piece by piece. Part of the reason I would REFUSE to pick her up is that 1) I do NOT want to take responsibility for her actions and DO NOT want to be held accountable for them, and 2) She needs to be living somewhere else than that house. She informed me this weekend she will "die in that house" and there will be no more talk of moving her out. I resent any idea that she will be shoved off into my care and that my life will be sacrificed for hers. She is only 76, her own mother lived to be 97, so we are talking about a potentially very long future for us all! Thanks to everyone who responded - it is so helpful to me in so many ways!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Please talk to a social worker.

Well said Upstream! You’ve truly done all you can or should. I hope you enjoy life now. We simply can’t change the choices of others

Talk to a social worker.

Hi Upstream,
I'm sure it's been a long hard journey for you, on so many levels. This is a family disease as it's affects are far reaching. So forget what it does to those close by. In the line of fire, if you will.

A thousand ppl can tell you to step back, but until you're satisfied you've had enough, it doesn't matter. Hopefully you're at that point.

There's not much I can tell you about alcoholic behaviors nor how to help. I'm sure you've covered and seen it all. And my heart goes out to you.

It takes so much work to get just one day of sobriety. Let alone maintaining it for any period of time. Every moment is like torture, in the beginning.

Mom has a soul sickness. Alcohol is her solution.....to everything. Every pain, loss, disappointment and fear. It feels good to drink ourselves numb, into Oblivion. It shuts our emotions, mind and memories down. Alcoholics even have pain inside with no clue where it originated. They just hurt, become bitter, angry and self loathing. Then defensive and lash out.

They know their being judged. They are well aware what ppl say about them. And trust me, they feel the same way about themselves. No one can beat up an alcoholic more then themselves. No one.

Mom sees no easy way out. She surely isn't willing, at this age, to put in the work to change. Look at it from her point of view. She's pushing 80, sick, tired, and feels like she's in a deep dark hole. The climb is just too much.

The one thing she'd need to get sober, she doesn't have...hope.

Let her live and die as she chooses. I strongly doubt she'll make it anywhere near her 90s.

Unplug from her now. It's hard to want more for someone, then they want for themselves. At this point say...

"This is where Mom ends....And I begin."

I'd suggest not enabling her drinking nor it's consequences. Buy her a LifeLine device, and walk away.... completely.

If need be, talk to a therapist and/ or hit a few Al-Anon meetings. They will teach you to detach with love and without guilt and poisonist resentments. Plus untangled the madness that's left behind, in you.

Big Cyber Huggz Upstream! Your new chapter is just beginning! 🤗

Upstream, I hope you didn't take some of the more, well, strange, comments that appeared on this thread for some reason suddenly too much to heart. No need to defend yourself.

I agree with Pepsee's comments and advice wholeheartedly.

Talk to the Hospital Discharge person face to face. Tell them you are not picking her up because she lives alone and it is not safe for her to go home. Tell that person that you will get APS involved if they need it. Make sure that is all on her record. Then it truly is in the hospitals hands. They won’t want to send her home, in case something happens, when they have been warned beforehand. Be sure to tell how many times she has fallen and ask them to pull all of her records there. Good luck and stay strong.