"Finished" has nailed it perfectly. Exactly how I feel. I am 71 and my Mother is 97. I have decided the worst thing that can happen to you in life is to have a parent live too long.....if they cannot be independent and happy on their own.
YES: I am 65 years old. Both my parents are dead as is my brother. I did take care of my mother and to the extent I was able helped with my father. I have been caring from my mentally disabled friend for the past 20+ years. Use some of their money to help them stay at home if that is what they want, which is what my parents wanted. If they want to go into an old folks home, so be it. Who cares if it is inconvenient or difficult. If its too difficult get some help. The guy I take care of is 65 years old. How much longer do you think I will be taking care of him? Another 20 years.
I totally agree that caring for a parent counts like this: Every 1 year for a parent counts like 10 years for a child. Comparing a baby or a toddler's care to an elder with dementia or other age related disabilities is just so outrageous, I don't know how anyone who has done both can be drawn into that comparison. Why do so many people make that comparison?
Becky900, I'm glad that you were there for your mom these past 15 years. I'm also glad that you know when it's time that you can no longer handle the situation. That it's time for her to go to a facility that can take care of her 24/7 with multiple workers who works in shifts. This way, it is not just one person who bares the brunt of the 24/7 caregiving and nastiness of the care recipients.
I once had a client who knew about my taking care of bedridden dementia vegetative state mother who needed constant suctioning of the trache or she would choke on her saliva and phlegm. He made the mistake of saying that taking care of an elderly is the same as taking care of a child. I snapped and told him the difference. A baby/child can be taught new things, Want to be independent and can be potty trained. An elderly is set in their ways, refuse help (other than Their Way), will Not be independent but instead digress to wheelchair, bedridden. Have you ever tried changing a pamper of an adult? It is NOT the same as a child. Especially when the adult cannot remain on their sides while you clean their behind. I said this all with quiet passion because I was fed up with people saying that taking care of an elder is the same as a child. I then asked him if he ever took care of an elderly person. He looked at me mutely and shook his head. After a while, he calmly told me that he never saw it that way - until I just described it to him. He said that he now appreciates what his uncle has done for grandma's care.
You know that you've done your best with your mom. I'm glad that you're actually working your way to that goal. I wish you well. I'm sure that when your mom finds a facility, that you will continue to be there, advocating for her behalf.
Scott, many of us are seniors ourselves taking care of much older seniors. Thus, we have half the energy compared to when we were in our 20's and 30's. That is why most people stop having babies when they are in their 50's, we run out of energy and are dealing with our own age decline.
My big question, who will pick ME up if I fall? Surely not my aging parents.
And let's throw Alzheimer's/Dementia into the mix. That's a whole different ballgame.
Scott Burry, NO!! People who are worn out by 15 years of caregiving for someone who gives them meanness in return are not devoid of compassion and patience by any means! Think this through again. JessieBelle is right that eldercare is not really much like childcare and the purpose of it is certainly not to receive payback for any meanness you might have had in you when you were growing up. Demands increase, not decrease, and there is no endpoint to it that you can predict. So many people who need care do as well or better with others besides their own family doing all the care, and truly, one person doing all the care 24 x 7 x 365 (x15 to top that off!) is unsustainable once it gets to be round the clock. You don't abandon your loved one if they go to a facility or get other help besides you - you stay as involved as appropriate, and maybe have even better times because you have some energy and time to arrange an outing or a good visit or activity they might be up to. These decisions hurt though - almost all of us had some idea in our head that caregiving at home would be a loving,giving time, and not devour every waking moment of every day to the point of being unable to care for other family or even ourselves. That expectation that if we love and care enough, we can, and we SHOULD just keep on doing it even if we lose our marriages, neglect our own children, lose our own health is at best an emotional torpedo, and at worst actually deadly, advice for someone who does care and is just trying to do the right thing and still survive.
Believe me, taking care of an elder is nothing like taking care of a normal baby or child. I do have to admit that it is similar to taking care of a terminally ill child, but few people have gone through that, so wouldn't know. Taking care of a terminally ill child may be the worst, since the emotional pain is horrible.
The only similarities I see in taking care of elders and babies is they both require a lot of time and commitment. Children are totally different, since they're in school and doing other things a large portion of the time. Elders can be like combining the dependence of babies with the rebelliousness of teenagers and the sadness that goes with caring for the ill child.
As a recently retired nurse and 30 years of experience and 20 years of working in a geriatric care facility plus helping with counciling many families when hard decisions need to be made , never ever let anyone make you feel guilty . Yes our Parents took care of us as they should have when we where young . Taking care of an adult is 100% different . They are set in their ways , personality is already there and your not rearing children to go out in the world to make their mark in the world . You can't ground or punish a parent when they talk to you any kind of way or refuse your best in tension . I really wish people would stop comparing the two. They absolutely are two different levels of care . That's why several facilities , option and levels of different kinds help is out there because of the need of professionals who specializes in caring for our love ones as they age . We as their children can only do so much . It's only your duty to do what's best for you , your family and the parent . I can honestly say to you that 15 years is a long time to deal with keeping a love one at home and I commend you for hanging on that long but if your love one is getting to the stage where you can't and your tired and trust me I know you are overwhelm seek what's best. Don't feel guilty nor let anyone discourage you for doing what's best !!! Research different facilities , visit facilities , seek out friends and other families who may have love ones in care facilities . You can also get with a social worker in hospitals and every care facility usually has a social worker . The Medicaid and Medicare offices have information also . Your parent doctor office has knowledge to point you in the right direction also because they are aware of their medical condition and have information that's useful to help in finding the right facility . Remember doing what's best for your love one and your family is always better than thinking what others think or running yourself and your family down physically and mentally . Your never any good to a love one at home if your not in a good state and allow guilt to over whelm you into something that you are not able to handle . Reach out and feel good about making the right choice for you all as a family . Good luck and reach out for help . It's okay .
I do not know your situation. I apologist for the difficulty you complain about. That said: Your mother took care of you for way longer than 15 years, and at times you were mean. Perhaps having a bit of compassion and empathy would go a long way to overcome this difficult situation. The situation you complain of will not last too much longer. If nothing else get some help to com in like "visiting angels" although home helpers do steal stuff every now and then.
I think your mom needs your support but if you do not have enough funds you can go with expert advice i.e. assisted living. Consulting to a Medicaid officer is essential to handle the legal formalities. Prior authorization (PA) is required for some health care services to document the medical necessity for those services. You can check hidesigns/ to know more about prior authorization.
There are a lot of viewpoints being expressed, and everyone needs to learn to respect that there will be differences of opinion. That doesn't invalidate someone's post. Nor does it justify the intensity and venom being spewed here by some posters.
For those who know nothing of Ferris' background, it's inappropriate to conclude that she's not a caregiver. She may have been through more than some posters ever will be.
Notwithstanding that, everyone's entitled to respect until someone begins harassing.
Read some of the other posts in which posters disagree. Those with panache learn how to do so politely and maturely.
This post could hopefully turn into a lesson in how to address differing viewpoints while still respecting each person's individual right of opinion.
EXACTLY freqflyer. We do not want to admit our own limitations, but we DO have them. My mom was the same way, a few weeks before she died she had fallen and wanted me to pick her up (again). I had just had knee surgery to repair the damage done to my knee from the LAST time I picked her up. She got furious with me because I called EMS, called me the "b" word, called me fat, etc. Nothing I said made her understand that I was not physically capable of lifting her off the floor. We have our limits...and we NEED to admit them!!!
Forums are open for everyone to express their views, whether we like what they say or not. If you see a screen name there someone has personally attacked you alone, then skip over that post.
Some people need hugs and soft talk with dealing with issues.... some need tough love approach. I remember when someone said I was too old to be a caregiver, I was taken back a bit by that statement, but after a while it turned out they were so right. And I was able to use that when dealing with my parents when they were asking me to do things thinking I was still 35 instead of pushing 70.
In defense of Ferris, she can give some very sound advice. She does have the strong belief about our debt to our parents that she expresses occasionally. It is just her belief.
I don't know Ferris's age, but I've noticed a tendency of some people who are older to feel this way -- that their children should live with them and take care of them. I don't have any kids, so I don't ever have to worry about feeling this way. And I know my rabbit has already said no, no way. I'm on my own. :)
Hannah, Ferris has been a caregiver for her 89 year old husband who was diagnosed in 2009 with Alzheimer's/Dementia, she has her hands full... and she's doing that on her own in her own home. I bet she is really exhausted. Ferris has been a regular on the forums for many years.
My mom just passed away in August and I took care of her for 20 years prior to her passing. No one but another caregiver could ever understand the love, the joy, the care, the compassion, the frustration, the hurt, the exhaustion, and the sadness that comes with that job. Being a caregiver for elderly parents has absolutely NOTHING to do with how well or how long they cared for you. A parent can discipline a child, but no matter how old we get as children we can NEVER discipline a parent! It does NOT work that way. Shame on anyone who judges those of us who have given up significant parts of our lives out of the sheer love of our parent(s)...given up jobs, careers, homes, finances. Because WE as caregivers KNOW that none of those things matter as much as our elderly parent. THEY ARE ULTIMATELY IMPORTANT TO US, but sometimes we are not capable or become incapable of caring for them. We have to understand our own limitations in order to help them in the best ways possible. It is unreal to me that anyone would pass judgement on caregivers that are out of options for in home care. I actually hope those who are so judgmental will one day be in this EXACT situation and will remember their words with extreme guilt.
When it comes to postings, please note we call come from different situations. What might come across as insulting to some may be a light bulb moment for someone else.
Becky900, glad to read on your most recent posting that your Mom has qualified for Medi-cal [Califormia]. That is an excellent start, and hopefully you get some breathing room.
First of all, I salute you. I would never have been able to take care of my mother for 15 years. What I did almost destroyed me, and it was a lot less than 15 years. That being said, I would recommend evaluating whether your mom needs assisted living or nursing home. I did this by going to my assisted living if choice and asking what the residents there would need to be able to do. When they said the resident would need to be able to keep track of mealtimes and come down to the cafeteria from their floor, I knew it wasn't appropriate for my mom. Most nursing homes accept medicaid as full payment, and at a nursing home you get a higher level of care, so that's a plus. Most assisted livings do not accept medicaid, but some do, so it's about touring the facility and asking questions. At mist assisted livings, you can hire a private aide to help your mom. That's an up charge. If you need bathing help or medication reminders, that's another upcharge, so just inform yourself. I would advise looking up assisted livings and nursing homes in your area, calling the admissions office, and scheduling tours. When you speak with the admissions person, ask every question that comes to mind. Tell them about your financial situation and ask them to advise you. Another option: respite care. Most nursing homes offer respite. It is a medicaid covered program where your loved one can live in the nursing home for between 3 and 30 days to give the regular caregiver a break. If you do that for a month, it can buy you some breathing room whole you decide what you will ultimately do. If you and mom are happy with the place, they can usually transfer her right into long term care. Good luck to you.
There is no shame in needing help with elder care. It is emotionally and physically draining. There are many agencies in local communities, as well as, state funded programs. I would suggest reaching out to your local church group first. They know either the agencies to contact or may even have someone in the church family who has contacts to set you on the right path. If there is a senior friendship center at the community level they have lists also. Sometimes if you call your local hospital and explain the situation they may even have a contact available to call. Also call whatever insurance you have for your parent and have them explain the benefits available. Who knows they may even have suggestions. I realize this seems like a lot of phone calling, but in the end it will net a result or set you in the right direction. My husband and I have/had four elderly parent, and with each came a new set of dynamics. As a family we have utilized everything from Medicare, the Veteran's administration and local organizations to help. The two moms are still with us, we lost one dad to Alzheimer's and the other to ALS. Neither was a pretty set of circumstances. We have one mom now in assisted living and the other lives with us. As an adult child-yes we are still children when it comes to our parents-they cared for us and it is difficult to turn the tables. I have learned that it is not wrong to be selfish and take care of yourself. It has taken me four years to learn this but being a caregiver is not necessarily about doing it all yourself, it is about making the best decisions for yourself, your family and the loved one in question. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to say I can't do this on my own. We are doctor's, nurses, maids and janitors on call 24/7, sometimes the best thing we can do is ask for help. May god bless!
Check with your local Medicaid office. They will be able to inform you of the programs available in your area for further care for your Mom. She has been fortunate to have a loving family to care for her all this time. You must preserve your own health and marriage and happiness too. Good Luck!
Becky, We recently moved mom into an Adult Family Care Home, 6 residents live there and the cost is 3200 mo. Her VA benefits and ss cover most so we can stretch what little savings she has left. Its a nice home with a family living there, home cooked meals and they treat her like a queen. Its the best decision we ever made. Need help with va benefits or finding a home message me I'd be glad to help. Best of luck to you both.
Thanks to all for your kind comments and advice. Mom was having a really bad day when I posted. She just qualified for Medi-cal (California based Medicaid,I think) and I will be talking to the social worker soon. I really appreciate this forum, nice to know there are others who understand the challenges.
Becky900, after 15 years of caring for your mom I would encourage you to make other arrangements and don't look back! Anyone who tells you different is foolish! First, look into applying for Medicaid. Then check out any VA assistance that she may qualify for. There are agencies out there that can help you find a good place for your loved one as neveralone mentioned. In the mean time give yourself a break every now and then. Try to see if students from you local private high schools would be willing to visit to give you a short break. (my neighbors daughters visits my mom for an hour every now and then and my mom loves her!) Those students are required to have a certain amount of community service hours. Also, if you have any money in the budget at all see if you can find a reasonable companion care service that could come once per week, heck once per month! You need to have some respite for yourself and make no apologies for it! We moved my mom into assisted living and it was the best decision. She has round the clock care and services and I am now able to go see her to visit, take her for a walk, watch TV, fix her hair and read and be her daughter not her stressed out caregiver. It hasn't been without some stress and work on my part but it has saved my sanity and my mom is very happy. Best of luck to you!
We send our children out into to the world so they can be successful and happy on their own... whatever that means for them...the last thing we ever want to do as loving parents is to encumber them. as a caregiver for the last 15 years of my life, 1st for my mind mom who was sweet but had Alzheimer's, and at the end never would have wanted me to go through what I did. Now my husband and I are living our lives around whether or not my fathers television remote is working I have been living our lives by the phone wondering if my father's television remote is going to have a problem or if he is going to forget where something isI are living our lives completely for my rude and sometimes downright cruel father who has dementia and hardly knows who wewe are quitting. We will put him somewhere or we will get someone in there. He doesn't have a clbecause we hope our home out of state will not be completed until his dementia completely takes over. We will deal with it as we have to. How dare he expect this from us??? I am so angry. He had a long term care policy for the last 25 years that would have put him in the most expensive of private assisted living facilities. I am going to run and not walk away from that situation. I hope you find it in you to live your life. Any parent who loves you would want that. Just remember that. It is an extremely unhealthy dynamic for a grown child to be doing grunt labor caring for their elder parent. Live your life!! I wish you all the best. I'm sure there are resources that can help you with the finances. Maybe try adult protective services first. I'm not really sure, because these things change from state to state and every situation is different but I know there are resources out there. If you have siblings make sure they do their part. As far as the long term care insurance we have, daddy has refused to use it and now he's going to have to be forced., but he will never recoup the absolute fortune he paid that unscrupulous company, CNA. BTW they are extremely hard to work with, very happy to collect their money, but will do anything to avoid paying. BUYER BEWARE!!!!! Very unfortunate that he put me in this situation. Now I will resent him as I try to forgive him for not only breaking my health...two bouts of cancer now and counting, and ruining the best years of my life, but he also caused my husband to have a heart attack. If I had it to do all over again I would have moved out of the country much less the state. I was not always like this just in case you're wondering I'm actually a very sweet person. This is what being a caregiver did to me. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! some things are more important than money. I wish you all the luck in the world My words may seem coarse in content but I'm trying to save someone else the nightmare from which I can no longer save myself or my precious husband.
Taking care of a parent that has become mean is beyond hard. It takes a toll on thier children and, perhaps, grandchildren. There is no shame in seeking a better situation. We should support each other without trying to assign blame in a situation we can not fully understand. Not everyone has the luxury of a job that allows them sufficient time off and resources to care for a loved one at home. Not an answer to the poster's question. Just some empathy.
I once had a client who knew about my taking care of bedridden dementia vegetative state mother who needed constant suctioning of the trache or she would choke on her saliva and phlegm. He made the mistake of saying that taking care of an elderly is the same as taking care of a child. I snapped and told him the difference. A baby/child can be taught new things, Want to be independent and can be potty trained. An elderly is set in their ways, refuse help (other than Their Way), will Not be independent but instead digress to wheelchair, bedridden. Have you ever tried changing a pamper of an adult? It is NOT the same as a child. Especially when the adult cannot remain on their sides while you clean their behind. I said this all with quiet passion because I was fed up with people saying that taking care of an elder is the same as a child. I then asked him if he ever took care of an elderly person. He looked at me mutely and shook his head. After a while, he calmly told me that he never saw it that way - until I just described it to him. He said that he now appreciates what his uncle has done for grandma's care.
You know that you've done your best with your mom. I'm glad that you're actually working your way to that goal. I wish you well. I'm sure that when your mom finds a facility, that you will continue to be there, advocating for her behalf.
My big question, who will pick ME up if I fall? Surely not my aging parents.
And let's throw Alzheimer's/Dementia into the mix. That's a whole different ballgame.
The only similarities I see in taking care of elders and babies is they both require a lot of time and commitment. Children are totally different, since they're in school and doing other things a large portion of the time. Elders can be like combining the dependence of babies with the rebelliousness of teenagers and the sadness that goes with caring for the ill child.
Prior authorization (PA) is required for some health care services to document the medical necessity for those services. You can check hidesigns/ to know more about prior authorization.
For those who know nothing of Ferris' background, it's inappropriate to conclude that she's not a caregiver. She may have been through more than some posters ever will be.
Notwithstanding that, everyone's entitled to respect until someone begins harassing.
Read some of the other posts in which posters disagree. Those with panache learn how to do so politely and maturely.
This post could hopefully turn into a lesson in how to address differing viewpoints while still respecting each person's individual right of opinion.
Some people need hugs and soft talk with dealing with issues.... some need tough love approach. I remember when someone said I was too old to be a caregiver, I was taken back a bit by that statement, but after a while it turned out they were so right. And I was able to use that when dealing with my parents when they were asking me to do things thinking I was still 35 instead of pushing 70.
I don't know Ferris's age, but I've noticed a tendency of some people who are older to feel this way -- that their children should live with them and take care of them. I don't have any kids, so I don't ever have to worry about feeling this way. And I know my rabbit has already said no, no way. I'm on my own. :)
Becky900, glad to read on your most recent posting that your Mom has qualified for Medi-cal [Califormia]. That is an excellent start, and hopefully you get some breathing room.
She has been fortunate to have a loving family to care for her all this time. You must preserve your own health and marriage and happiness too.
Good Luck!