I recently had to face this situation with my mother. I live in Texas and I am not not sure if this is available to you, but I got in touch with an organiztion called "A Place For Mom". They helped me find several Private Care Homes in my area. I had never heard of such places before,but "Private Care Homes" are very nice and some even take Medicaid. They were half the cost of the bigger facilities. We still had to juggle funds with my mom's pension and then split the difference between syblings, but my mother is now in a nice private home she loves and my family is slowly recovering from a long hard journey. Hope this is of some help to you.
Take her to her doctor and manage her "meanness", and you take a break from caring for her. She could file for Medicaid and see if they would help. Think of all the years she helped you...
There are funds available to pay for care if she qualifies. Have you checked to see if she qualifies according to her income and assets? Has she been assessed to see what type of care she needs, such as nursing care or help with daily activities?
Take a look at the 2015 Genworth Cost of Care Study to learn what long term care (including services you bring into the home) costs in your state. It is comprehensive and will give you good information about what to expect given your budget. Good luck!
This woman's mom has been living with her for 15 years. She is now reaching out for help, and to offer her, "Think of all the years she helped you." is about as helpful as a porcupine in a balloon factory. That being said, if there is an elder care organization in your town or an Alzheimer's office, Becky900, I would call them and get the info you need. Sometimes placement is the kindest and safest thing to do for our loved ones.
Medicaid will assist some people in assisted living under the HCBS or Money Follows the Person program, available via your state Medicaid office. I would call them today and find out what forms you need to fill out. You just may be able to get some assistance from them.
I think "A place for Mom" has been great overall, and they have been willing to help people who are not going to be in private pay situations too (even though they make their money on commissions from placement in private pay facilities, something like a real estate agent. You have made such a big contribution to her life in the past 15yrs, its certainly OK to be done now. Just go ahead and make that decision that you ARE done and its time now. It may take weeks or more to actually get her moved. Start with the state medicaid office and initiate the application right now! You must have durable POA to do this work, but maybe her brain is in good enough shape to get you one even without an attorney (you need the form from online and a notary). Having a lawyer do it does give you more security that it will hold up to challenges from family, but if you don't have extra money you can do the work with social security or medicaid using the simpler home-produced DPOA. Then you start making visits to homes who might accept her.
I highly recommend "A Place for Mom" they can tell you which Communities accept Medicaid. I think a "Board and Care" in a licensed Private Home is what we call it in Ca. It may go under another name in your state. BAC usually has a maximum of 6 people and they are more likely to accept Medicaid. I do not know if you have other family members but if you do they are a part of this as well. My daughter talked to me about how they (family) need me in their lives too. I had forgotten that because my life was so intertwined with my mom's that it was difficult for me to go away even to visit family. I am happy she shared that with me because I would not want them to feel that I have no time for them. I have had to balance my life some and I am happy that I did.
Taking care of a parent that has become mean is beyond hard. It takes a toll on thier children and, perhaps, grandchildren. There is no shame in seeking a better situation. We should support each other without trying to assign blame in a situation we can not fully understand. Not everyone has the luxury of a job that allows them sufficient time off and resources to care for a loved one at home. Not an answer to the poster's question. Just some empathy.
We send our children out into to the world so they can be successful and happy on their own... whatever that means for them...the last thing we ever want to do as loving parents is to encumber them. as a caregiver for the last 15 years of my life, 1st for my mind mom who was sweet but had Alzheimer's, and at the end never would have wanted me to go through what I did. Now my husband and I are living our lives around whether or not my fathers television remote is working I have been living our lives by the phone wondering if my father's television remote is going to have a problem or if he is going to forget where something isI are living our lives completely for my rude and sometimes downright cruel father who has dementia and hardly knows who wewe are quitting. We will put him somewhere or we will get someone in there. He doesn't have a clbecause we hope our home out of state will not be completed until his dementia completely takes over. We will deal with it as we have to. How dare he expect this from us??? I am so angry. He had a long term care policy for the last 25 years that would have put him in the most expensive of private assisted living facilities. I am going to run and not walk away from that situation. I hope you find it in you to live your life. Any parent who loves you would want that. Just remember that. It is an extremely unhealthy dynamic for a grown child to be doing grunt labor caring for their elder parent. Live your life!! I wish you all the best. I'm sure there are resources that can help you with the finances. Maybe try adult protective services first. I'm not really sure, because these things change from state to state and every situation is different but I know there are resources out there. If you have siblings make sure they do their part. As far as the long term care insurance we have, daddy has refused to use it and now he's going to have to be forced., but he will never recoup the absolute fortune he paid that unscrupulous company, CNA. BTW they are extremely hard to work with, very happy to collect their money, but will do anything to avoid paying. BUYER BEWARE!!!!! Very unfortunate that he put me in this situation. Now I will resent him as I try to forgive him for not only breaking my health...two bouts of cancer now and counting, and ruining the best years of my life, but he also caused my husband to have a heart attack. If I had it to do all over again I would have moved out of the country much less the state. I was not always like this just in case you're wondering I'm actually a very sweet person. This is what being a caregiver did to me. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! some things are more important than money. I wish you all the luck in the world My words may seem coarse in content but I'm trying to save someone else the nightmare from which I can no longer save myself or my precious husband.
Becky900, after 15 years of caring for your mom I would encourage you to make other arrangements and don't look back! Anyone who tells you different is foolish! First, look into applying for Medicaid. Then check out any VA assistance that she may qualify for. There are agencies out there that can help you find a good place for your loved one as neveralone mentioned. In the mean time give yourself a break every now and then. Try to see if students from you local private high schools would be willing to visit to give you a short break. (my neighbors daughters visits my mom for an hour every now and then and my mom loves her!) Those students are required to have a certain amount of community service hours. Also, if you have any money in the budget at all see if you can find a reasonable companion care service that could come once per week, heck once per month! You need to have some respite for yourself and make no apologies for it! We moved my mom into assisted living and it was the best decision. She has round the clock care and services and I am now able to go see her to visit, take her for a walk, watch TV, fix her hair and read and be her daughter not her stressed out caregiver. It hasn't been without some stress and work on my part but it has saved my sanity and my mom is very happy. Best of luck to you!
Thanks to all for your kind comments and advice. Mom was having a really bad day when I posted. She just qualified for Medi-cal (California based Medicaid,I think) and I will be talking to the social worker soon. I really appreciate this forum, nice to know there are others who understand the challenges.
Becky, We recently moved mom into an Adult Family Care Home, 6 residents live there and the cost is 3200 mo. Her VA benefits and ss cover most so we can stretch what little savings she has left. Its a nice home with a family living there, home cooked meals and they treat her like a queen. Its the best decision we ever made. Need help with va benefits or finding a home message me I'd be glad to help. Best of luck to you both.
Check with your local Medicaid office. They will be able to inform you of the programs available in your area for further care for your Mom. She has been fortunate to have a loving family to care for her all this time. You must preserve your own health and marriage and happiness too. Good Luck!
There is no shame in needing help with elder care. It is emotionally and physically draining. There are many agencies in local communities, as well as, state funded programs. I would suggest reaching out to your local church group first. They know either the agencies to contact or may even have someone in the church family who has contacts to set you on the right path. If there is a senior friendship center at the community level they have lists also. Sometimes if you call your local hospital and explain the situation they may even have a contact available to call. Also call whatever insurance you have for your parent and have them explain the benefits available. Who knows they may even have suggestions. I realize this seems like a lot of phone calling, but in the end it will net a result or set you in the right direction. My husband and I have/had four elderly parent, and with each came a new set of dynamics. As a family we have utilized everything from Medicare, the Veteran's administration and local organizations to help. The two moms are still with us, we lost one dad to Alzheimer's and the other to ALS. Neither was a pretty set of circumstances. We have one mom now in assisted living and the other lives with us. As an adult child-yes we are still children when it comes to our parents-they cared for us and it is difficult to turn the tables. I have learned that it is not wrong to be selfish and take care of yourself. It has taken me four years to learn this but being a caregiver is not necessarily about doing it all yourself, it is about making the best decisions for yourself, your family and the loved one in question. Don't be afraid or embarrassed to say I can't do this on my own. We are doctor's, nurses, maids and janitors on call 24/7, sometimes the best thing we can do is ask for help. May god bless!
First of all, I salute you. I would never have been able to take care of my mother for 15 years. What I did almost destroyed me, and it was a lot less than 15 years. That being said, I would recommend evaluating whether your mom needs assisted living or nursing home. I did this by going to my assisted living if choice and asking what the residents there would need to be able to do. When they said the resident would need to be able to keep track of mealtimes and come down to the cafeteria from their floor, I knew it wasn't appropriate for my mom. Most nursing homes accept medicaid as full payment, and at a nursing home you get a higher level of care, so that's a plus. Most assisted livings do not accept medicaid, but some do, so it's about touring the facility and asking questions. At mist assisted livings, you can hire a private aide to help your mom. That's an up charge. If you need bathing help or medication reminders, that's another upcharge, so just inform yourself. I would advise looking up assisted livings and nursing homes in your area, calling the admissions office, and scheduling tours. When you speak with the admissions person, ask every question that comes to mind. Tell them about your financial situation and ask them to advise you. Another option: respite care. Most nursing homes offer respite. It is a medicaid covered program where your loved one can live in the nursing home for between 3 and 30 days to give the regular caregiver a break. If you do that for a month, it can buy you some breathing room whole you decide what you will ultimately do. If you and mom are happy with the place, they can usually transfer her right into long term care. Good luck to you.
When it comes to postings, please note we call come from different situations. What might come across as insulting to some may be a light bulb moment for someone else.
Becky900, glad to read on your most recent posting that your Mom has qualified for Medi-cal [Califormia]. That is an excellent start, and hopefully you get some breathing room.
My mom just passed away in August and I took care of her for 20 years prior to her passing. No one but another caregiver could ever understand the love, the joy, the care, the compassion, the frustration, the hurt, the exhaustion, and the sadness that comes with that job. Being a caregiver for elderly parents has absolutely NOTHING to do with how well or how long they cared for you. A parent can discipline a child, but no matter how old we get as children we can NEVER discipline a parent! It does NOT work that way. Shame on anyone who judges those of us who have given up significant parts of our lives out of the sheer love of our parent(s)...given up jobs, careers, homes, finances. Because WE as caregivers KNOW that none of those things matter as much as our elderly parent. THEY ARE ULTIMATELY IMPORTANT TO US, but sometimes we are not capable or become incapable of caring for them. We have to understand our own limitations in order to help them in the best ways possible. It is unreal to me that anyone would pass judgement on caregivers that are out of options for in home care. I actually hope those who are so judgmental will one day be in this EXACT situation and will remember their words with extreme guilt.
Hannah, Ferris has been a caregiver for her 89 year old husband who was diagnosed in 2009 with Alzheimer's/Dementia, she has her hands full... and she's doing that on her own in her own home. I bet she is really exhausted. Ferris has been a regular on the forums for many years.
In defense of Ferris, she can give some very sound advice. She does have the strong belief about our debt to our parents that she expresses occasionally. It is just her belief.
I don't know Ferris's age, but I've noticed a tendency of some people who are older to feel this way -- that their children should live with them and take care of them. I don't have any kids, so I don't ever have to worry about feeling this way. And I know my rabbit has already said no, no way. I'm on my own. :)
Forums are open for everyone to express their views, whether we like what they say or not. If you see a screen name there someone has personally attacked you alone, then skip over that post.
Some people need hugs and soft talk with dealing with issues.... some need tough love approach. I remember when someone said I was too old to be a caregiver, I was taken back a bit by that statement, but after a while it turned out they were so right. And I was able to use that when dealing with my parents when they were asking me to do things thinking I was still 35 instead of pushing 70.
EXACTLY freqflyer. We do not want to admit our own limitations, but we DO have them. My mom was the same way, a few weeks before she died she had fallen and wanted me to pick her up (again). I had just had knee surgery to repair the damage done to my knee from the LAST time I picked her up. She got furious with me because I called EMS, called me the "b" word, called me fat, etc. Nothing I said made her understand that I was not physically capable of lifting her off the floor. We have our limits...and we NEED to admit them!!!
There are a lot of viewpoints being expressed, and everyone needs to learn to respect that there will be differences of opinion. That doesn't invalidate someone's post. Nor does it justify the intensity and venom being spewed here by some posters.
For those who know nothing of Ferris' background, it's inappropriate to conclude that she's not a caregiver. She may have been through more than some posters ever will be.
Notwithstanding that, everyone's entitled to respect until someone begins harassing.
Read some of the other posts in which posters disagree. Those with panache learn how to do so politely and maturely.
This post could hopefully turn into a lesson in how to address differing viewpoints while still respecting each person's individual right of opinion.
I think your mom needs your support but if you do not have enough funds you can go with expert advice i.e. assisted living. Consulting to a Medicaid officer is essential to handle the legal formalities. Prior authorization (PA) is required for some health care services to document the medical necessity for those services. You can check hidesigns/ to know more about prior authorization.
I do not know your situation. I apologist for the difficulty you complain about. That said: Your mother took care of you for way longer than 15 years, and at times you were mean. Perhaps having a bit of compassion and empathy would go a long way to overcome this difficult situation. The situation you complain of will not last too much longer. If nothing else get some help to com in like "visiting angels" although home helpers do steal stuff every now and then.
As a recently retired nurse and 30 years of experience and 20 years of working in a geriatric care facility plus helping with counciling many families when hard decisions need to be made , never ever let anyone make you feel guilty . Yes our Parents took care of us as they should have when we where young . Taking care of an adult is 100% different . They are set in their ways , personality is already there and your not rearing children to go out in the world to make their mark in the world . You can't ground or punish a parent when they talk to you any kind of way or refuse your best in tension . I really wish people would stop comparing the two. They absolutely are two different levels of care . That's why several facilities , option and levels of different kinds help is out there because of the need of professionals who specializes in caring for our love ones as they age . We as their children can only do so much . It's only your duty to do what's best for you , your family and the parent . I can honestly say to you that 15 years is a long time to deal with keeping a love one at home and I commend you for hanging on that long but if your love one is getting to the stage where you can't and your tired and trust me I know you are overwhelm seek what's best. Don't feel guilty nor let anyone discourage you for doing what's best !!! Research different facilities , visit facilities , seek out friends and other families who may have love ones in care facilities . You can also get with a social worker in hospitals and every care facility usually has a social worker . The Medicaid and Medicare offices have information also . Your parent doctor office has knowledge to point you in the right direction also because they are aware of their medical condition and have information that's useful to help in finding the right facility . Remember doing what's best for your love one and your family is always better than thinking what others think or running yourself and your family down physically and mentally . Your never any good to a love one at home if your not in a good state and allow guilt to over whelm you into something that you are not able to handle . Reach out and feel good about making the right choice for you all as a family . Good luck and reach out for help . It's okay .
Have you applied for Medicaid for her?
That being said, if there is an elder care organization in your town or an Alzheimer's office, Becky900, I would call them and get the info you need. Sometimes placement is the kindest and safest thing to do for our loved ones.
She has been fortunate to have a loving family to care for her all this time. You must preserve your own health and marriage and happiness too.
Good Luck!
Becky900, glad to read on your most recent posting that your Mom has qualified for Medi-cal [Califormia]. That is an excellent start, and hopefully you get some breathing room.
I don't know Ferris's age, but I've noticed a tendency of some people who are older to feel this way -- that their children should live with them and take care of them. I don't have any kids, so I don't ever have to worry about feeling this way. And I know my rabbit has already said no, no way. I'm on my own. :)
Some people need hugs and soft talk with dealing with issues.... some need tough love approach. I remember when someone said I was too old to be a caregiver, I was taken back a bit by that statement, but after a while it turned out they were so right. And I was able to use that when dealing with my parents when they were asking me to do things thinking I was still 35 instead of pushing 70.
For those who know nothing of Ferris' background, it's inappropriate to conclude that she's not a caregiver. She may have been through more than some posters ever will be.
Notwithstanding that, everyone's entitled to respect until someone begins harassing.
Read some of the other posts in which posters disagree. Those with panache learn how to do so politely and maturely.
This post could hopefully turn into a lesson in how to address differing viewpoints while still respecting each person's individual right of opinion.
Prior authorization (PA) is required for some health care services to document the medical necessity for those services. You can check hidesigns/ to know more about prior authorization.