Believe me, taking care of an elder is nothing like taking care of a normal baby or child. I do have to admit that it is similar to taking care of a terminally ill child, but few people have gone through that, so wouldn't know. Taking care of a terminally ill child may be the worst, since the emotional pain is horrible.
The only similarities I see in taking care of elders and babies is they both require a lot of time and commitment. Children are totally different, since they're in school and doing other things a large portion of the time. Elders can be like combining the dependence of babies with the rebelliousness of teenagers and the sadness that goes with caring for the ill child.
Scott Burry, NO!! People who are worn out by 15 years of caregiving for someone who gives them meanness in return are not devoid of compassion and patience by any means! Think this through again. JessieBelle is right that eldercare is not really much like childcare and the purpose of it is certainly not to receive payback for any meanness you might have had in you when you were growing up. Demands increase, not decrease, and there is no endpoint to it that you can predict. So many people who need care do as well or better with others besides their own family doing all the care, and truly, one person doing all the care 24 x 7 x 365 (x15 to top that off!) is unsustainable once it gets to be round the clock. You don't abandon your loved one if they go to a facility or get other help besides you - you stay as involved as appropriate, and maybe have even better times because you have some energy and time to arrange an outing or a good visit or activity they might be up to. These decisions hurt though - almost all of us had some idea in our head that caregiving at home would be a loving,giving time, and not devour every waking moment of every day to the point of being unable to care for other family or even ourselves. That expectation that if we love and care enough, we can, and we SHOULD just keep on doing it even if we lose our marriages, neglect our own children, lose our own health is at best an emotional torpedo, and at worst actually deadly, advice for someone who does care and is just trying to do the right thing and still survive.
Scott, many of us are seniors ourselves taking care of much older seniors. Thus, we have half the energy compared to when we were in our 20's and 30's. That is why most people stop having babies when they are in their 50's, we run out of energy and are dealing with our own age decline.
My big question, who will pick ME up if I fall? Surely not my aging parents.
And let's throw Alzheimer's/Dementia into the mix. That's a whole different ballgame.
Becky900, I'm glad that you were there for your mom these past 15 years. I'm also glad that you know when it's time that you can no longer handle the situation. That it's time for her to go to a facility that can take care of her 24/7 with multiple workers who works in shifts. This way, it is not just one person who bares the brunt of the 24/7 caregiving and nastiness of the care recipients.
I once had a client who knew about my taking care of bedridden dementia vegetative state mother who needed constant suctioning of the trache or she would choke on her saliva and phlegm. He made the mistake of saying that taking care of an elderly is the same as taking care of a child. I snapped and told him the difference. A baby/child can be taught new things, Want to be independent and can be potty trained. An elderly is set in their ways, refuse help (other than Their Way), will Not be independent but instead digress to wheelchair, bedridden. Have you ever tried changing a pamper of an adult? It is NOT the same as a child. Especially when the adult cannot remain on their sides while you clean their behind. I said this all with quiet passion because I was fed up with people saying that taking care of an elder is the same as a child. I then asked him if he ever took care of an elderly person. He looked at me mutely and shook his head. After a while, he calmly told me that he never saw it that way - until I just described it to him. He said that he now appreciates what his uncle has done for grandma's care.
You know that you've done your best with your mom. I'm glad that you're actually working your way to that goal. I wish you well. I'm sure that when your mom finds a facility, that you will continue to be there, advocating for her behalf.
I totally agree that caring for a parent counts like this: Every 1 year for a parent counts like 10 years for a child. Comparing a baby or a toddler's care to an elder with dementia or other age related disabilities is just so outrageous, I don't know how anyone who has done both can be drawn into that comparison. Why do so many people make that comparison?
YES: I am 65 years old. Both my parents are dead as is my brother. I did take care of my mother and to the extent I was able helped with my father. I have been caring from my mentally disabled friend for the past 20+ years. Use some of their money to help them stay at home if that is what they want, which is what my parents wanted. If they want to go into an old folks home, so be it. Who cares if it is inconvenient or difficult. If its too difficult get some help. The guy I take care of is 65 years old. How much longer do you think I will be taking care of him? Another 20 years.
"Finished" has nailed it perfectly. Exactly how I feel. I am 71 and my Mother is 97. I have decided the worst thing that can happen to you in life is to have a parent live too long.....if they cannot be independent and happy on their own.
The only similarities I see in taking care of elders and babies is they both require a lot of time and commitment. Children are totally different, since they're in school and doing other things a large portion of the time. Elders can be like combining the dependence of babies with the rebelliousness of teenagers and the sadness that goes with caring for the ill child.
My big question, who will pick ME up if I fall? Surely not my aging parents.
And let's throw Alzheimer's/Dementia into the mix. That's a whole different ballgame.
I once had a client who knew about my taking care of bedridden dementia vegetative state mother who needed constant suctioning of the trache or she would choke on her saliva and phlegm. He made the mistake of saying that taking care of an elderly is the same as taking care of a child. I snapped and told him the difference. A baby/child can be taught new things, Want to be independent and can be potty trained. An elderly is set in their ways, refuse help (other than Their Way), will Not be independent but instead digress to wheelchair, bedridden. Have you ever tried changing a pamper of an adult? It is NOT the same as a child. Especially when the adult cannot remain on their sides while you clean their behind. I said this all with quiet passion because I was fed up with people saying that taking care of an elder is the same as a child. I then asked him if he ever took care of an elderly person. He looked at me mutely and shook his head. After a while, he calmly told me that he never saw it that way - until I just described it to him. He said that he now appreciates what his uncle has done for grandma's care.
You know that you've done your best with your mom. I'm glad that you're actually working your way to that goal. I wish you well. I'm sure that when your mom finds a facility, that you will continue to be there, advocating for her behalf.