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Taking care of Mom at home. She has been living with us for 15 years. Has advanced COPD. we are tired, & she's getting mean. Tired Want out.

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Medicaid will assist some people in assisted living under the HCBS or Money Follows the Person program, available via your state Medicaid office. I would call them today and find out what forms you need to fill out. You just may be able to get some assistance from them.
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This woman's mom has been living with her for 15 years. She is now reaching out for help, and to offer her, "Think of all the years she helped you." is about as helpful as a porcupine in a balloon factory.
That being said, if there is an elder care organization in your town or an Alzheimer's office, Becky900, I would call them and get the info you need. Sometimes placement is the kindest and safest thing to do for our loved ones.
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I recently had to face this situation with my mother. I live in Texas and I am not not sure if this is available to you, but I got in touch with an organiztion called "A Place For Mom". They helped me find several Private Care Homes in my area. I had never heard of such places before,but "Private Care Homes" are very nice and some even take Medicaid. They were half the cost of the bigger facilities. We still had to juggle funds with my mom's pension and then split the difference between syblings, but my mother is now in a nice private home she loves and my family is slowly recovering from a long hard journey. Hope this is of some help to you.
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Taking care of a parent that has become mean is beyond hard. It takes a toll on thier children and, perhaps, grandchildren. There is no shame in seeking a better situation. We should support each other without trying to assign blame in a situation we can not fully understand. Not everyone has the luxury of a job that allows them sufficient time off and resources to care for a loved one at home. Not an answer to the poster's question. Just some empathy.
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Thanks to all for your kind comments and advice. Mom was having a really bad day when I posted. She just qualified for Medi-cal (California based Medicaid,I think) and I will be talking to the social worker soon. I really appreciate this forum, nice to know there are others who understand the challenges.
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I think "A place for Mom" has been great overall, and they have been willing to help people who are not going to be in private pay situations too (even though they make their money on commissions from placement in private pay facilities, something like a real estate agent. You have made such a big contribution to her life in the past 15yrs, its certainly OK to be done now. Just go ahead and make that decision that you ARE done and its time now. It may take weeks or more to actually get her moved. Start with the state medicaid office and initiate the application right now! You must have durable POA to do this work, but maybe her brain is in good enough shape to get you one even without an attorney (you need the form from online and a notary). Having a lawyer do it does give you more security that it will hold up to challenges from family, but if you don't have extra money you can do the work with social security or medicaid using the simpler home-produced DPOA. Then you start making visits to homes who might accept her.
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As a recently retired nurse and 30 years of experience and 20 years of working in a geriatric care facility plus helping with counciling many families when hard decisions need to be made , never ever let anyone make you feel guilty . Yes our Parents took care of us as they should have when we where young . Taking care of an adult is 100% different . They are set in their ways , personality is already there and your not rearing children to go out in the world to make their mark in the world . You can't ground or punish a parent when they talk to you any kind of way or refuse your best in tension . I really wish people would stop comparing the two. They absolutely are two different levels of care . That's why several facilities , option and levels of different kinds help is out there because of the need of professionals who specializes in caring for our love ones as they age . We as their children can only do so much . It's only your duty to do what's best for you , your family and the parent . I can honestly say to you that 15 years is a long time to deal with keeping a love one at home and I commend you for hanging on that long but if your love one is getting to the stage where you can't and your tired and trust me I know you are overwhelm seek what's best. Don't feel guilty nor let anyone discourage you for doing what's best !!! Research different facilities , visit facilities , seek out friends and other families who may have love ones in care facilities . You can also get with a social worker in hospitals and every care facility usually has a social worker . The Medicaid and Medicare offices have information also . Your parent doctor office has knowledge to point you in the right direction also because they are aware of their medical condition and have information that's useful to help in finding the right facility . Remember doing what's best for your love one and your family is always better than thinking what others think or running yourself and your family down physically and mentally . Your never any good to a love one at home if your not in a good state and allow guilt to over whelm you into something that you are not able to handle . Reach out and feel good about making the right choice for you all as a family . Good luck and reach out for help . It's okay .
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Forums are open for everyone to express their views, whether we like what they say or not. If you see a screen name there someone has personally attacked you alone, then skip over that post.

Some people need hugs and soft talk with dealing with issues.... some need tough love approach. I remember when someone said I was too old to be a caregiver, I was taken back a bit by that statement, but after a while it turned out they were so right. And I was able to use that when dealing with my parents when they were asking me to do things thinking I was still 35 instead of pushing 70.
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We send our children out into to the world so they can be successful and happy on their own... whatever that means for them...the last thing we ever want to do as loving parents is to encumber them. as a caregiver for the last 15 years of my life, 1st for my mind mom who was sweet but had Alzheimer's, and at the end never would have wanted me to go through what I did. Now my husband and I are living our lives around whether or not my fathers television remote is working I have been living our lives by the phone wondering if my father's television remote is going to have a problem or if he is going to forget where something isI are living our lives completely for my rude and sometimes downright cruel father who has dementia and hardly knows who wewe are quitting. We will put him somewhere or we will get someone in there. He doesn't have a clbecause we hope our home out of state will not be completed until his dementia completely takes over. We will deal with it as we have to. How dare he expect this from us??? I am so angry. He had a long term care policy for the last 25 years that would have put him in the most expensive of private assisted living facilities. I am going to run and not walk away from that situation. I hope you find it in you to live your life. Any parent who loves you would want that. Just remember that. It is an extremely unhealthy dynamic for a grown child to be doing grunt labor caring for their elder parent. Live your life!! I wish you all the best. I'm sure there are resources that can help you with the finances. Maybe try adult protective services first. I'm not really sure, because these things change from state to state and every situation is different but I know there are resources out there. If you have siblings make sure they do their part. As far as the long term care insurance we have, daddy has refused to use it and now he's going to have to be forced., but he will never recoup the absolute fortune he paid that unscrupulous company, CNA. BTW they are extremely hard to work with, very happy to collect their money, but will do anything to avoid paying. BUYER BEWARE!!!!! Very unfortunate that he put me in this situation. Now I will resent him as I try to forgive him for not only breaking my health...two bouts of cancer now and counting, and ruining the best years of my life, but he also caused my husband to have a heart attack. If I had it to do all over again I would have moved out of the country much less the state. I was not always like this just in case you're wondering I'm actually a very sweet person. This is what being a caregiver did to me. RUN FOR YOUR LIFE!!! some things are more important than money. I wish you all the luck in the world My words may seem coarse in content but I'm trying to save someone else the nightmare from which I can no longer save myself or my precious husband.
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Hannah, Ferris has been a caregiver for her 89 year old husband who was diagnosed in 2009 with Alzheimer's/Dementia, she has her hands full... and she's doing that on her own in her own home. I bet she is really exhausted. Ferris has been a regular on the forums for many years.
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