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Does anyone else experience the joy of people who come to visit and then seem determined to remain the rest of the evening? My one person who does come now and then to let me run errands was coming today and was to be here by 1:30. I was ready. I made sure Mom was settled, had been changed, fed, etc. all is well. 2:00 rolled around and no sitter. checked on Mom, all is well. By 2:30 sitter still not here. Had to be there before closing so sent a text, hid the key in the usual place, checked Mom who was fast asleep and decided I would go ahead and make a quick run there and back...Sitter ended up being over 2 hours late but no problem as I had already run my errand and was headed back when she called and advised she had just arrived. Went ahead at that point and made one quick stop then headed home. For some reason the least little afternoon of activity, especially when I feel particularly rushed, just wears me out. I got home, checked on Mom, fed her and made sure she was settled and fixed a pot of coffee. Had to serve the sitter...as usual. I have to add by five o'clock I am starting to wear out and that is when I begin my evening routine of cleaning, changing, getting Mom settled in, taking care of the other housework and pets, and finally, finally getting to put my feet up to watch the evening news, which for me now, is my Eden.....sitter remained...I began to drop subtle hints, then not so subtle hints, then more coffee was requested...finally after 7:00 I was getting near that so tired I am about ready to cry phase and finally just told her, I have got to finish my evening routine before I completely run out of energy...She cranked up the internet games and began playing those....I finally corralled her towards the door and felt like I was almost being rude, but I swear I was about ready to scream by then. I enjoy coffee with company as much as anyone, but short visits please...why do people not understand we do not feel like long winded visits . Or maybe it is just me....anyone else?

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It depends on who it is. Some people I can be around for hours. Others I am ready to get about my business in a few minutes. The visits that drive me the most crazy are the ones by people who don't say anything. After around an hour of trying to carry a conversation I feel like going to bed. Those visits are very stressful and are the norm when my brother's family comes. They are as talkative as boards.
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LOL. Well, Mom and I don't have many visitors. This is actually the one person who does come and sit for me now and then. Were it not for her I would never be able to leave longer than a few minutes. but I feel so tried and worn out these days that anything longer than a couple of hours almost kills me. I feel my eyes rolling back in my head and start thinking I am going to fall asleep at any moment. I can't imagine they don't see it as my head will jerk when I start to nod off. But the playing of the computer games I don't get. To come in and start playing those things and not talking...complete with all the sound effects turned way up...heaven help me....
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Hope22~It may be time to look for someone else to come help if possible. If not remove the computer games,etc from the sight of this person, offer one cup of coffee, let's say it is 3:00pm, tell her you have to leave for an appt for your mother at 4:oopm or some other reason that fits your situation, by 3:30, thank her for coming over and head for the door. People like this don't get it and most likely will not get it, Is there any possibility that she has no real intentions of helping you in the first place?? I hope you can find a caregiver to come in for a few hours once or twice a week.
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Oh I totally agree. No, she is here to visit more than anything. She is never on time and never gets her own anything. It has gotten worse the last few times and I honestly question whether she herself may be getting early dementia. When I returned home yesterday, I had my arms full and was standing at the door and I saw her look right at me and she simply returned to playing her games. We don't have a key that fits that door right now, so I have to go all the way around the side to the back of the house to get in and she just sat there playing those stinking games, sound on full tilt....I know I sound ungrateful, and she is the ONLY one who offers to help, so it is time indeed to look for someone else when needing a sitter and let her visits be visits alone. But even then I don't necessarily feel like waiting on her hand and foot. I didn't mind in years gone by but now I don't feel like it and it is annoying to me that she seems to just expect it...and it annoys me more that I do it. Old habits die hard I suppose...
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Just be honest with her. When you get back, "Thanks for helping out today and we will see you blablabla" while standing at the door. It is your house and you don't need a reason to excuse a visitor. If this is a set activity each week then let her know the hours you need help.

When she asks for coffee just let her know sorry, you don't have time today. Caregivers have busy, stressful lives and should not be expected to provide entertainment. Visitors in your home should only be there as long as you want them there!
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Hope22, you say, soon as you get back from where you've been: "one cup of coffee then I'm going to have to kick you out, I'm afraid." Even better, when you ask this person to come over to 'mind the shop' clarify at that time that you expect her to leave soon after. Keep it light, but Never Apologise, Never Explain - you need her to leave. She doesn't need to know more than that.

But then it gets ticklish. Is this person a family member, or a neighbour, or a close friend? - because people don't usually stay on like that unless they think it is socially okay to do so. And if the person isn't way out of line expecting you to enjoy her company, I'm not sure how all right it is for you to ask her to babysit while you go out, then buzz off the second you get back - it's taking advantage of her a bit, isn't it?

Looking back, when my children were little my (lovely) SIL used to plant herself on us for hours at a time (not that she did any babysitting. Come to think of it, not that I'd have left the children alone with her. Ever. The one time she held a baby she dropped it on its head); but she was lonely, and she loved us, and now I wish I'd just cooked and cleaned and bathed the children around her and not internally cursed her for being in my way. About as much use as a chocolate teapot, but where does it say people have to be useful to be good, sweet friends?

If your house guest/sitter (??? - would she like to make up her mind which?!) seriously sits there playing games on the computer, she must really want to hang out at your place, I guess? Goodness, is she a bit like my SIL?
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Oh my NO....I do NOT think I am taking advantage of her. She invites herself...I don't call her and ask her to sit for this very reason. I have learned how to "make it work" for me and Mama because I have no one to depend on who is not more trouble than they are helpful. I have even discussed very calmly that I have to get Mama's nighttime routine handled...I stopped asking for her help a long time ago because I had to cook meals for her, clean up behind her, etc. etc. But she is a family member so I guess I will grin and bear it....She has point blank told me that people who pop in on her do not get past the door, and yet she does the very same thing and expects to be waited on hand and foot. I am too tired to have to deal with such nonsense and there is much to be done around here and I am unable to get it done because her "visits" last all day and into the night. My sweet aunt and uncle came today for a visit, we enjoyed a couple of hours visit...I thoroughly enjoyed them being here and so did Mama, then they told me unless there was something they could do to help us they would go. That is what I call a perfect visit...Oh my goodness, no, considering I have to cook for the other one, wait on her hand and foot, and listen to her complaining the whole time she is here which is also nerve wrecking since I don't have anything else to think about , right??? I don't think I'm taking advantage of her....
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And when I say go out, I don't mean go out in the sense others go out...I am speaking making a run to the vet's office, or a quickie to the grocery . I have not been out of this house for "fun" purposes in over two and a half years....and I'm not kidding....
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You'll just have to have your aunt and uncle cloned! What perfect guests.

No, I see, she's just one of those people who can't see past the end of her nose, by the sound of it. And I know what you mean about how difficult it is to get help that doesn't create more work than it takes off your hands. Hm. Apart from the week in respite that mother had a couple of months ago - and we've another lined up for the end of June - I'm in the same boat. Respite care does mean you get real time off, but on the other hand you have to get her ready, and take her there, and worry about her all week, and pick her up, and deal with the fallout… Swings and roundabouts, isn't it?

Is there anyone your mother likes, for herself, whom you could ask? But I'm guessing if there were you'd already have thought of that.
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Just be honest and tell her you're exhausted and need to get ready for bed. Otherwise, adjust your schedule and ask her to come in the morning so she's gone by early afternoon.

Another option is to enlist more of her help with mom when she's there, for example, thanks for being here Evelyn, can you change moms bedding while I give her her bath?; Evelyn, here's dinner for you and mom, I'm heading in to take a quick shower -- close your door and watch the news in peace in your room, soak in the tub....it's okay. As long as sitter is there, make the most of it and go about your business without having to watch mom.
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I love your answers, all good ones...but yall if you only knew this woman...and yet I'm sure each of you have one exactly like her....Last night, I started early on trying to let her know I need to get this done, that done, and she said "Oh I know, I need to go home"...but she didn't budge...that happened about six times...finally I saw she was going nowhere so I just threw my supper on the stove and began changing Mama and told her please excuse me but I must get moving or I will fall asleep before i get finished. And so finally around 8:00 she started moving....the goodby took 20 or 30 more minutes...I have to laugh to myself, when I go see someone in this situation, even before I was in this situation, I'd go in the door saying, put me to work...what can I do to help you...if they offered me coffee, I'd tell them you sit down let me get you a cup. and then, like my aunt and uncle, after a brief visit, tell them if I can help you let me know otherwise I'm going to go on now....and I promise I could usually see relief on their faces and it was not offensive to me, I knew they were tired. To me so much of it is just common sense....and being considerate...I remember many years ago when Mama and her Mama were both still healthy and vital and we saw them in the yard and just stopped to say hello and they flat out told us they weren't letting us in the house... (we didn't ask) we got in our car after maybe five minutes and vowed that wouldn't be happening again... :)
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Sounds to me like she is lonely and actually enjoys coming over because she just likes the company.
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I get up at 4 am for work so I often go to bed by 8 or 830, and the folks are early to bed to watch TV types. My in laws are stay up late types,, they often "pop in" at 8! I have had this job for 16 years! I know it's only 3 days a week but my body is on this schedule! Then FIL and hubs cousin will call as late as 11pm... and if Hubs is not in the mood to talk he lets the dang phone ring! I don't know who to shoot first! But the ILs are 89 and 91, so I know I wont change anything at this point My folks have been here for 9 months, they just the heck with it and go to bed.. why can't I do this!
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She is...I know she gets lonely...but I am not the best person to seek out cheer these days. I know or I guess hse means well....and I am ashamed at my weakness in the area of just sucking it up and taking it but I get that feeling like I used to see when little toddlers had been dragged around shopping all day and were worn slap out and just start crying because they are so tired and I will be sitting there picturing myself doing just that...
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oh me pamzimmrrt.....do you think of shooting folks too??? you're not alone....it's kind of sad really because when my cousin first gets here, I will be happy to see her and we enjoy the visit, BUT no matter how early she arrives...she is here until the late hours...always....now when I ask her to come and join us early, like on a holiday, she will sleep way late and drift in here around 2:00. I am starving, the food is either cold or I have waited to grill, etc. can't win for losing with this one...and like she said, she does what she wants when she wants... :)
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My sister in law will arrive late, then lay down on my couch and say she has a headache.... Yes Hope22, I often want to shoot someone..LOL
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LOL....oh the couch. Yes, the way our den is furnished, there is little room for sitting, so the couch is the comfortable piece of furniture, and hence that is exactly where she comes in the door and parks herself....for the rest of the day....puts her feet up so there is no way for me to sit there, and I cram into the lift chair which I am too tall for so it gives me a backache...but I guess as long as she is comfortable....haha
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Thank you for bringing up this subject.
I am a widow and I care for my MIL (alzheimers) in my home. Her other son (my husband's brother) stops by.................totally unannounced and then sits down and talks TO ME. But I don't want him to visit. I don't want to entertain him. He just won't leave........hangs around and follows me and I hate it.
But it's HIS mother that is living here so I am obligated to let him visit his mother. This is so frustrating as it has now been a year of his sudden drop in visits.
Yes, I've tried to communicate with him about it but....................to no avail.
Yes, I've tried to leave as soon as he comes.....but somehow he wriggles out of that by saying he can't stay long. Also, he tends to stop by in the evenings when I have nowhere to go. That's also when I don't want company.
He is impossible to pin down so I could never actually schedule anything around his "non-schedule".
And truth be told...............I am uncomfortable with him staying in my house while I am gone.
Do any of you feel this way or is it just me?
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I absolutely feel that way maria...I don't trust anyone in here without my being here. my bros ex MIL I actually CAUGHT going into rooms where I had closed the doors (not because there was anything to hide...except a lot of stuff I hadn't gotten away to putting up) but I heard her opening this door, that door, getting into the closets...opening drawers...I would bet a dollar to a donut she was looking for Mom's will because she had already asked about it...and this is bros EX MIL..!!!!! people are idiots....IDIOTS! Also, I don't like leaving my sib here because when I do, he just decides he wants to do something to the house and it is never good...ruins my flower beds, cuts down a tree I didn't want cut....all kinds of "rigging" he does here that he would not dare do to his own home but he is too cheap to do it right and I don't ask him to do it in the first place......

I have dropped hints, not so subtle hints, etc...no one gets it...Mama doesn't really carry on conversations with anyone so when they come to see them they end up taking up what little time I have...I hate it I hate it I hate it....and I almost choke when they come out with something like...now don't let me keep you from anything I know you are worn out...and I will think...if you know I am worn out why the "h" are you sitting here wearing me out???? The other day I actually was nodding off ...it went on for two hours more until they finally started to say..well, I guess...before they could finish I was up and opening the door.....drives me out of my mind......by the time they leave I am a nervous wreck and of course was one before they got there usually....
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Hope22. I so get this! What part of "I'm in my PJS " don't you understand!!
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haha...I know! amazing isn't it!!! they show up, I'm still in pj's, one roller on top of my head, no makeup...yeah baby, I'm ready for company...NOT...!!!!
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Hahah I used to say" oh, I'm sure you're here to talk to mom, I'll leave you two alone". Then I'd leave the room and go lay down or whatever..and shut the door.
People got used to my bluntness, but they also understood. In the days of care taking, you have too much else to worry about without dealing with game playing zombie friends. If you can't kick her out, be brave and be strong. Even if it comes off sounding rude. You're entitled to protect yourself and your privacy.
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That's what I think too! I guess what amazes me is they don't get it. Do people honestly think we feel like sitting and chit chatting with them about all their crap when they have not been here in over five years and now they pop in, dressed to nines, either headed to or from a fun lunch and shopping trip and just don't get that I really don't give a rats a** about any of it. There are a few I truly love to see but they are kind enough to call first and don't overstay their welcome. I could go on and on about this subject . I really love the ones who feel the need to remind me that my hair needs coloring, I have put on weight, I look worn out or I have a hole in the seat of my pants.....they are my faves.....
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Yes!! So glad you all brought up the PJ's!!!
There's also the "expected" hug goodbye.
I am tired, disheveled, and ready for a bath. I don't want to hug anyone.
BTW, I used to love taking baths...... but I never know if a visitor is going to walk
into my house. They walk right in and I'm supposed to be excited to see them. Meanwhile, their entrance makes my heart sink. Now I'm stuck with them.
I love this post because I really thought I was the only one who felt this way.
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I'm a firm believer that you get what you ask for. She isn't a mind reader. Maybe she doesn't get it that the computer games but your nerves on edge. TELL her "Please don't turn it on now. I would appreciate that." Standing at the door with arms full and she looks at you and looks away? Tell her "Hey, could you give me a hand? At least open the door." Coffee? "Help yourself." If she is staying and staying, take advantage of it and go to the movies, the lake to feed the ducks, the park for some quiet time. Make plans with a friend for dinner out. You need more time away. Or you could try "I'm really needing to settle down for the night. Would you mind giving me a break tonight and coming back when I feel like visiting?" Saying this as you move toward the door. This is your home and you sound like a prisoner.
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Believe it or no I have done all the above. I am actually a little fearful she is showing signs of early dementia and if so, could be a reason she doesn't remember what I have said. Were it anyone but her, I would probably pick them up and sit them outside....lol....but with her I can't help feeling for her as she seems so alone...and as a caregiver that is a feeling we are pretty familiar with. I know when I am really tired (which obviously is most of the time) it bugs me more than others, but I do ask her to turn off the sound on the games, help herself to coffee, etc. next time it's all to do over again...ah well....
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If you truly believe she is in early dementia, you know you will have to tell her all over again. That's ok.
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If she is there and you have work to do, put her to work helping you. "Oh good thing you are here, I have a ton of work to do so you can help me by doing the dishes while I do the laundry. Oh and when you are done that could you please vacuum the living room while I get Mom ready for bed?"

Rocknrobin is right - she can't read minds so you must tell her. And if she has dementia you will have to tell her over again and again.

People only treat you how you allow them to treat you - so much easier said than done though, as I well know myself. Maybe while she is there watching mom you could go out and talk to a therapist about assertiveness training and self-care? That has really helped me a lot! Wishing you the best!
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Ann Landers used to say, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission."

You are apparently giving permission. Just decide if you really want to do that, perhaps because of your suspicion that she has dementia, or because of family ties, or for some other reason. That is OK. You are in control. If you want to make some allowances for this woman, just acknowledge that decision to yourself to reduce your stress over it.

If you decide not to continue allowing this to happen, you've been given lots of advice on stopping it.

I'm glad you've vented here and you see you are not alone. You are a good person with sympathetic instincts. Don't be hard on yourself for that. But realize you can set your own boundaries.
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I'm not sure folks have been reading all the comments I have made or it would be pretty clear I don't need assertiveness training these days.. :) The main point of the original post was a general comment regarding folks who simply can't take a hint...any kind of hint...no matter how often made and was made following a visit where repeated direct comments including going to the door and opening it simply went unheeded....I appreciate all the comments .
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