When visitors don't know when to leave. Anyone experience this?
Does anyone else experience the joy of people who come to visit and then seem determined to remain the rest of the evening? My one person who does come now and then to let me run errands was coming today and was to be here by 1:30. I was ready. I made sure Mom was settled, had been changed, fed, etc. all is well. 2:00 rolled around and no sitter. checked on Mom, all is well. By 2:30 sitter still not here. Had to be there before closing so sent a text, hid the key in the usual place, checked Mom who was fast asleep and decided I would go ahead and make a quick run there and back...Sitter ended up being over 2 hours late but no problem as I had already run my errand and was headed back when she called and advised she had just arrived. Went ahead at that point and made one quick stop then headed home. For some reason the least little afternoon of activity, especially when I feel particularly rushed, just wears me out. I got home, checked on Mom, fed her and made sure she was settled and fixed a pot of coffee. Had to serve the sitter...as usual. I have to add by five o'clock I am starting to wear out and that is when I begin my evening routine of cleaning, changing, getting Mom settled in, taking care of the other housework and pets, and finally, finally getting to put my feet up to watch the evening news, which for me now, is my Eden.....sitter remained...I began to drop subtle hints, then not so subtle hints, then more coffee was requested...finally after 7:00 I was getting near that so tired I am about ready to cry phase and finally just told her, I have got to finish my evening routine before I completely run out of energy...She cranked up the internet games and began playing those....I finally corralled her towards the door and felt like I was almost being rude, but I swear I was about ready to scream by then. I enjoy coffee with company as much as anyone, but short visits please...why do people not understand we do not feel like long winded visits . Or maybe it is just me....anyone else?
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Another option is to enlist more of her help with mom when she's there, for example, thanks for being here Evelyn, can you change moms bedding while I give her her bath?; Evelyn, here's dinner for you and mom, I'm heading in to take a quick shower -- close your door and watch the news in peace in your room, soak in the tub....it's okay. As long as sitter is there, make the most of it and go about your business without having to watch mom.
When she asks for coffee just let her know sorry, you don't have time today. Caregivers have busy, stressful lives and should not be expected to provide entertainment. Visitors in your home should only be there as long as you want them there!
People got used to my bluntness, but they also understood. In the days of care taking, you have too much else to worry about without dealing with game playing zombie friends. If you can't kick her out, be brave and be strong. Even if it comes off sounding rude. You're entitled to protect yourself and your privacy.
But then it gets ticklish. Is this person a family member, or a neighbour, or a close friend? - because people don't usually stay on like that unless they think it is socially okay to do so. And if the person isn't way out of line expecting you to enjoy her company, I'm not sure how all right it is for you to ask her to babysit while you go out, then buzz off the second you get back - it's taking advantage of her a bit, isn't it?
Looking back, when my children were little my (lovely) SIL used to plant herself on us for hours at a time (not that she did any babysitting. Come to think of it, not that I'd have left the children alone with her. Ever. The one time she held a baby she dropped it on its head); but she was lonely, and she loved us, and now I wish I'd just cooked and cleaned and bathed the children around her and not internally cursed her for being in my way. About as much use as a chocolate teapot, but where does it say people have to be useful to be good, sweet friends?
If your house guest/sitter (??? - would she like to make up her mind which?!) seriously sits there playing games on the computer, she must really want to hang out at your place, I guess? Goodness, is she a bit like my SIL?
Rocknrobin is right - she can't read minds so you must tell her. And if she has dementia you will have to tell her over again and again.
People only treat you how you allow them to treat you - so much easier said than done though, as I well know myself. Maybe while she is there watching mom you could go out and talk to a therapist about assertiveness training and self-care? That has really helped me a lot! Wishing you the best!
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