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Does anyone else experience the joy of people who come to visit and then seem determined to remain the rest of the evening? My one person who does come now and then to let me run errands was coming today and was to be here by 1:30. I was ready. I made sure Mom was settled, had been changed, fed, etc. all is well. 2:00 rolled around and no sitter. checked on Mom, all is well. By 2:30 sitter still not here. Had to be there before closing so sent a text, hid the key in the usual place, checked Mom who was fast asleep and decided I would go ahead and make a quick run there and back...Sitter ended up being over 2 hours late but no problem as I had already run my errand and was headed back when she called and advised she had just arrived. Went ahead at that point and made one quick stop then headed home. For some reason the least little afternoon of activity, especially when I feel particularly rushed, just wears me out. I got home, checked on Mom, fed her and made sure she was settled and fixed a pot of coffee. Had to serve the sitter...as usual. I have to add by five o'clock I am starting to wear out and that is when I begin my evening routine of cleaning, changing, getting Mom settled in, taking care of the other housework and pets, and finally, finally getting to put my feet up to watch the evening news, which for me now, is my Eden.....sitter remained...I began to drop subtle hints, then not so subtle hints, then more coffee was requested...finally after 7:00 I was getting near that so tired I am about ready to cry phase and finally just told her, I have got to finish my evening routine before I completely run out of energy...She cranked up the internet games and began playing those....I finally corralled her towards the door and felt like I was almost being rude, but I swear I was about ready to scream by then. I enjoy coffee with company as much as anyone, but short visits please...why do people not understand we do not feel like long winded visits . Or maybe it is just me....anyone else?

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lol...what I wouldn't give to do that to some folks...haha....just thinking of it makes me smile...thanks for that!!! :)
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Hope I would tell everyone who might "pop in" that your schedule with your mom is so erratic and unpredictable, that you only open the door to planned visits. Between meals, baths, fixing hair, meds, naps, blah blah blah, you just can't promise to be around or available if they drop in unannounced. Then just don't open the door if they haven't called first. Tell them you didn't hear them, you were with your mom in the back part of the house/basement/wherever you might not hear the doorbell. Don't let others ruin your already difficult schedule. You don't owe it to them! After you do that to some of the denser folks 2-3X, they'll get the message. Some people you have to hit in the head with a 2X4 to get their attention! If they're that dense, I do NOT feel bad about hitting them with that proverbial 2X4, LOL.
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LOL...no hoping...it is just that I have gone the assertive route and the hint route...neither work with some folks...the last time another one of my pop ins showed up on a day when I had a bad migraine, I met her at the door and stepped outside with her and told her, thank you for coming, but this is not a good day for a vist. Mama is fine but I have a severe migraine....she did leave, but it just all seems so ridiculous that folks don't have enough common sense to call first....I was taught that from a very early age...Maybe popping in is normal and it is me who is not normal..good ness knows I don't feel very normal anymore... :)
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Giving hints is the opposite of assertive communication. I am sorry that you do not understand what I mean by assertive communication, and seem to have taken offense as I assure you none was intended. Few (or maybe even none) of us are ever taught proper assertive communication by family or the education system, and so it is a skill that we must ourselves choose to learn by other sources, i.e. specific training. Hinting is not a good or effective way to communicate your needs and desires to someone. Believe me I wish that it were as it is so much more comfortable to do, but it just doesn't work in a lot of cases! I am wishing you the best and do not mean any offense towards you, we are all in the same or similar boats.
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Here is the phrase to remember: " Thank you so much for coming, Now I must get on with my to do list. I will call you and let you know when I need you again or Let's talk later in the week (for friends). Part B: (if they don't go) I really must say good-bye. I've got so many things to do. Practice this to yourself aloud until you feel comfortable saying it and you own it.
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It is so interesting how taking care of someone gives us opportunities to deal with others in a whole new way. When we are on our own we tend to navigate around the things we prefer not to experience. We have our comfort zone but once we begin to work outside ourselves these things come up. So often I have to get really assertive with someone or a company to get things done that I would otherwise let go. I am not sure what the arrangements are with the sitter? But from what you said it all sounds like boundaries. 1: Sitter late no call, little consideration/responsibility. (Sitter has you on the ropes: Say: "Thank you no thank you - I no long need you today".) You don't need anyone like this in your situation. There are plenty of good responsible people out there. 2: Hanging out is a sign that the person is clueless to why you asked them to come in the first place, they may just being trying to justify getting paid, waiting to be paid or some signal that you accept their total lack of fulfillment of their duties and feel relieved of any wrong doing. 3: Sitter is abusing you. Do you want the sitter to abuse you? 4: Everything that happens is an opportunity to make changes, corrections and adjustments as to how you decide that you want the situation to be. Try website: Care.--- for you next sitter.
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I have gone the route of being firm about a lot of things...and being so blunt about some things that I think I have offended some people. None of that was my intent, and I don't want people who love Mama to feel like they can't come because they can't get past her sentry (me)..ha...but...a lot of it is just common sense and people never having "been here" so they don't understand that most of the time, any down time we might eek out is so precious and the last think I want or feel like doing is entertaining folks...

But a lot of this journey is just one that is a one day at a time deal. Mama is not a burden. I have lost my fanny financially, but that is ok as it was my choice to be here and I knew that was going to happen long term ...and I will say I am so happy to still have Mama with me...worth way more than any of the financial acoutrements I might have had along the way in this life. I always find a way to make it and when and if that time comes I know I will again. I love being able to care for Mama. She is a joy, and always was a loving and sweet Mama....she is rarely ever sharp tongued or hurtful to me, but when she is, I know that is not her. I don't take it to heart....I know she would never otherwise do it...I find that the more cheerful I am around her and with her, the happier she is and the better she does....which I know is why fussing at her is so wrong and just not the way to go here....again, I'm off topic, but the, Mama is my topic and the only reason I am here anyway...I just invited my "visitor" to cook out Monday. She is worried about her upcoming tests, so I am paying it forward... :)
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Hope22,
I sooooo understand what you are saying.
Some people are really unwilling or unable to take the hint.
Like you, I'm not a doormat but.............I don't like to cause waves.......which will ultimately make my life miserable.

For me, there appears to be no answer.................except to wait out this caregiver journey until it's over.
I continue to feel uncomfortable to leave my house when BIL stops by ......
........so I am just trapped.
........Until it's over.

Again, thanks much - for posting this question.
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The particular person the thread kind of turned on has her own car. I think I drifted from the topic of just making a general comment about folks who show up and don't seem to understand it is time for them to go to my complaining about one person in particular and I hate that, because while she is exasperating, and I have made every effort to make her understand I need my rest, I really didn't mean the thread as a commentary on that one person. I think we ALL have folks who come and stay and don't seem to want to go. That was what I was commenting on in general. How other folks felt about it. (folks who won't leave...not my folks who won't leave...lol)
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Hope, how does this lady travel? Is she is her own car or what?
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I'm not sure folks have been reading all the comments I have made or it would be pretty clear I don't need assertiveness training these days.. :) The main point of the original post was a general comment regarding folks who simply can't take a hint...any kind of hint...no matter how often made and was made following a visit where repeated direct comments including going to the door and opening it simply went unheeded....I appreciate all the comments .
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Ann Landers used to say, "No one can take advantage of you without your permission."

You are apparently giving permission. Just decide if you really want to do that, perhaps because of your suspicion that she has dementia, or because of family ties, or for some other reason. That is OK. You are in control. If you want to make some allowances for this woman, just acknowledge that decision to yourself to reduce your stress over it.

If you decide not to continue allowing this to happen, you've been given lots of advice on stopping it.

I'm glad you've vented here and you see you are not alone. You are a good person with sympathetic instincts. Don't be hard on yourself for that. But realize you can set your own boundaries.
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If she is there and you have work to do, put her to work helping you. "Oh good thing you are here, I have a ton of work to do so you can help me by doing the dishes while I do the laundry. Oh and when you are done that could you please vacuum the living room while I get Mom ready for bed?"

Rocknrobin is right - she can't read minds so you must tell her. And if she has dementia you will have to tell her over again and again.

People only treat you how you allow them to treat you - so much easier said than done though, as I well know myself. Maybe while she is there watching mom you could go out and talk to a therapist about assertiveness training and self-care? That has really helped me a lot! Wishing you the best!
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If you truly believe she is in early dementia, you know you will have to tell her all over again. That's ok.
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Believe it or no I have done all the above. I am actually a little fearful she is showing signs of early dementia and if so, could be a reason she doesn't remember what I have said. Were it anyone but her, I would probably pick them up and sit them outside....lol....but with her I can't help feeling for her as she seems so alone...and as a caregiver that is a feeling we are pretty familiar with. I know when I am really tired (which obviously is most of the time) it bugs me more than others, but I do ask her to turn off the sound on the games, help herself to coffee, etc. next time it's all to do over again...ah well....
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I'm a firm believer that you get what you ask for. She isn't a mind reader. Maybe she doesn't get it that the computer games but your nerves on edge. TELL her "Please don't turn it on now. I would appreciate that." Standing at the door with arms full and she looks at you and looks away? Tell her "Hey, could you give me a hand? At least open the door." Coffee? "Help yourself." If she is staying and staying, take advantage of it and go to the movies, the lake to feed the ducks, the park for some quiet time. Make plans with a friend for dinner out. You need more time away. Or you could try "I'm really needing to settle down for the night. Would you mind giving me a break tonight and coming back when I feel like visiting?" Saying this as you move toward the door. This is your home and you sound like a prisoner.
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Yes!! So glad you all brought up the PJ's!!!
There's also the "expected" hug goodbye.
I am tired, disheveled, and ready for a bath. I don't want to hug anyone.
BTW, I used to love taking baths...... but I never know if a visitor is going to walk
into my house. They walk right in and I'm supposed to be excited to see them. Meanwhile, their entrance makes my heart sink. Now I'm stuck with them.
I love this post because I really thought I was the only one who felt this way.
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That's what I think too! I guess what amazes me is they don't get it. Do people honestly think we feel like sitting and chit chatting with them about all their crap when they have not been here in over five years and now they pop in, dressed to nines, either headed to or from a fun lunch and shopping trip and just don't get that I really don't give a rats a** about any of it. There are a few I truly love to see but they are kind enough to call first and don't overstay their welcome. I could go on and on about this subject . I really love the ones who feel the need to remind me that my hair needs coloring, I have put on weight, I look worn out or I have a hole in the seat of my pants.....they are my faves.....
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Hahah I used to say" oh, I'm sure you're here to talk to mom, I'll leave you two alone". Then I'd leave the room and go lay down or whatever..and shut the door.
People got used to my bluntness, but they also understood. In the days of care taking, you have too much else to worry about without dealing with game playing zombie friends. If you can't kick her out, be brave and be strong. Even if it comes off sounding rude. You're entitled to protect yourself and your privacy.
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haha...I know! amazing isn't it!!! they show up, I'm still in pj's, one roller on top of my head, no makeup...yeah baby, I'm ready for company...NOT...!!!!
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Hope22. I so get this! What part of "I'm in my PJS " don't you understand!!
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I absolutely feel that way maria...I don't trust anyone in here without my being here. my bros ex MIL I actually CAUGHT going into rooms where I had closed the doors (not because there was anything to hide...except a lot of stuff I hadn't gotten away to putting up) but I heard her opening this door, that door, getting into the closets...opening drawers...I would bet a dollar to a donut she was looking for Mom's will because she had already asked about it...and this is bros EX MIL..!!!!! people are idiots....IDIOTS! Also, I don't like leaving my sib here because when I do, he just decides he wants to do something to the house and it is never good...ruins my flower beds, cuts down a tree I didn't want cut....all kinds of "rigging" he does here that he would not dare do to his own home but he is too cheap to do it right and I don't ask him to do it in the first place......

I have dropped hints, not so subtle hints, etc...no one gets it...Mama doesn't really carry on conversations with anyone so when they come to see them they end up taking up what little time I have...I hate it I hate it I hate it....and I almost choke when they come out with something like...now don't let me keep you from anything I know you are worn out...and I will think...if you know I am worn out why the "h" are you sitting here wearing me out???? The other day I actually was nodding off ...it went on for two hours more until they finally started to say..well, I guess...before they could finish I was up and opening the door.....drives me out of my mind......by the time they leave I am a nervous wreck and of course was one before they got there usually....
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Thank you for bringing up this subject.
I am a widow and I care for my MIL (alzheimers) in my home. Her other son (my husband's brother) stops by.................totally unannounced and then sits down and talks TO ME. But I don't want him to visit. I don't want to entertain him. He just won't leave........hangs around and follows me and I hate it.
But it's HIS mother that is living here so I am obligated to let him visit his mother. This is so frustrating as it has now been a year of his sudden drop in visits.
Yes, I've tried to communicate with him about it but....................to no avail.
Yes, I've tried to leave as soon as he comes.....but somehow he wriggles out of that by saying he can't stay long. Also, he tends to stop by in the evenings when I have nowhere to go. That's also when I don't want company.
He is impossible to pin down so I could never actually schedule anything around his "non-schedule".
And truth be told...............I am uncomfortable with him staying in my house while I am gone.
Do any of you feel this way or is it just me?
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LOL....oh the couch. Yes, the way our den is furnished, there is little room for sitting, so the couch is the comfortable piece of furniture, and hence that is exactly where she comes in the door and parks herself....for the rest of the day....puts her feet up so there is no way for me to sit there, and I cram into the lift chair which I am too tall for so it gives me a backache...but I guess as long as she is comfortable....haha
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My sister in law will arrive late, then lay down on my couch and say she has a headache.... Yes Hope22, I often want to shoot someone..LOL
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oh me pamzimmrrt.....do you think of shooting folks too??? you're not alone....it's kind of sad really because when my cousin first gets here, I will be happy to see her and we enjoy the visit, BUT no matter how early she arrives...she is here until the late hours...always....now when I ask her to come and join us early, like on a holiday, she will sleep way late and drift in here around 2:00. I am starving, the food is either cold or I have waited to grill, etc. can't win for losing with this one...and like she said, she does what she wants when she wants... :)
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She is...I know she gets lonely...but I am not the best person to seek out cheer these days. I know or I guess hse means well....and I am ashamed at my weakness in the area of just sucking it up and taking it but I get that feeling like I used to see when little toddlers had been dragged around shopping all day and were worn slap out and just start crying because they are so tired and I will be sitting there picturing myself doing just that...
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I get up at 4 am for work so I often go to bed by 8 or 830, and the folks are early to bed to watch TV types. My in laws are stay up late types,, they often "pop in" at 8! I have had this job for 16 years! I know it's only 3 days a week but my body is on this schedule! Then FIL and hubs cousin will call as late as 11pm... and if Hubs is not in the mood to talk he lets the dang phone ring! I don't know who to shoot first! But the ILs are 89 and 91, so I know I wont change anything at this point My folks have been here for 9 months, they just the heck with it and go to bed.. why can't I do this!
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Sounds to me like she is lonely and actually enjoys coming over because she just likes the company.
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I love your answers, all good ones...but yall if you only knew this woman...and yet I'm sure each of you have one exactly like her....Last night, I started early on trying to let her know I need to get this done, that done, and she said "Oh I know, I need to go home"...but she didn't budge...that happened about six times...finally I saw she was going nowhere so I just threw my supper on the stove and began changing Mama and told her please excuse me but I must get moving or I will fall asleep before i get finished. And so finally around 8:00 she started moving....the goodby took 20 or 30 more minutes...I have to laugh to myself, when I go see someone in this situation, even before I was in this situation, I'd go in the door saying, put me to work...what can I do to help you...if they offered me coffee, I'd tell them you sit down let me get you a cup. and then, like my aunt and uncle, after a brief visit, tell them if I can help you let me know otherwise I'm going to go on now....and I promise I could usually see relief on their faces and it was not offensive to me, I knew they were tired. To me so much of it is just common sense....and being considerate...I remember many years ago when Mama and her Mama were both still healthy and vital and we saw them in the yard and just stopped to say hello and they flat out told us they weren't letting us in the house... (we didn't ask) we got in our car after maybe five minutes and vowed that wouldn't be happening again... :)
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