Today my sweet wife resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.

Sad for you because you had to make this decision, but at the same time very happy for you because you were able to make this decision. You summed it all up so well - that you took the first path as far as it could be taken - and could no longer help her in a manner to keep her safe. Of course there were tears and there may be a few more, but it is apparent from your statements and your heart is aware that you did what you could for as long as possible.

Your next journey has begun with her sitting in her new chair and going to sleep. Something greater than you and I allowed this transition to go smoothly. God bless you both.

You did the right thing for her. You are her "happy place". Now when she sees you, she'll see her joy walking thru her door.

Safety first is always best.
Wishing you all Blessings.

I am so sorry qmnpxl - I know it can't have been an easy decision for you.

I know all about having to second-guess myself. For some, there does come a time when there's nothing left for you to do but to do what you had to do.

Prayers for you.

My heart goes out to you. Your wife is so lucky to have your love.

What a sweet, caring husband to know when you needed to get her more help than you can provide! I haven’t faced this (yet) with my spouse, nor he with me, but I plan to make it clear to both my husband and my children to lovingly release me to the care of others when it comes to this place in our lives.

You made a difficult decision, but you did know that when you put your head down on your pillow at night, you can rest assured that your wonderful wife is also sleeping and will be checked on and cared for through the night. You need the rest for yourself now, so that you can go visit her in the day time (and that doesn’t have to be daily, unless you want it that way).

You’re also wise to get a hospice evaluation set. Not all hospices are as bad as some people make them out to be. My experiences with hospice in my area (SC) has been marvelous. Both of my parents, a dear friend who had cancer, and now my aunt (with Alzheimers) have had good. loving hospice care. For that, I’m very grateful.

I pray you and your wife will enjoy some precious moments together as both of you adjust to your new living arrangements.

Thank you for letting me know extraordinary husbands like you still exist.... God bless you and your precious wife.

I'm going through a similar situation with my Mom. Two years ago we placed her in a senior living home. She's been very happy there. Now, her medical care has increased to the point where she needs to be in long term care. It's been hard on me because I know she's so happy where she is but they can no longer provide the care she needs.
I'm sure it's even more difficult for you because this is your spouse. It certainly sounds like you've given this lots of thought and have consulted with your wife's physician, etc. and this is the best situation for your wife.
Now, you will be able to visit her and have some quality time together knowing that she is well cared for. Please enjoy those moments together and know that you have done your very best for your wife.
God Bless!

My dad has been through a similar experience. My mother, who has dementia, went to assisted living I February 2019. They’ve been married 66 years, but her personality and paranoia made life unbearable for both of them. Although it’s been a huge shift, I know we did the right thing...she is safe and has proper care and medication, and he can have peaceful days at the age of 88. Prayers and peace to you and all of us who face difficult decisions.

My dear, you are a good husband. May God bless you and give you strength to take care of yourself and your wife. Joy and peace to you.

Sounds like a loving, wise, and sensible decision. I'm sure it was painful but it sounds like you're at peace with it, which us as good as it can be under the circumstances. Bless you both.

Thank you for posting this. I have been worrying about my spouse. My 79 y/o husband is lucid, but he is now in cardiac rehab after a hospital stay for CHF. He still has some edema so they are working on getting that down as well as getting him to walk (he also has Peripheral Artery Disease.)

He’s been in this situation before. But he didn’t do what his doctors told him to (walk and use walker) and this is the upshot. If he falls, I cannot lift him up. When he last left for the hospital (third time this year) all he did was sit around with his head dropped to his collarbone. He only went out once a week. He started having his beer delivered. He drank a large six pack a day, though I’ve never seen him drunk and he’s had no trouble having no beer for the last month he’s been in hospital.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you. He’s nowhere near needing an AL facility, but his mom developed dementia in her early 80s and I’m not sure I would be able to provide the care he needs. I am grateful to you and the other answerers.

We take care of our loved ones the best we can. Safety must come first and your health. You will continue to take care of her with the help of assisted living. She is a lucky woman

You’re a wise man and your wife is blessed to have you

Prayers, unfortunately I think that happens to all our loved ones. Be strong and keep loving. God Bless

Thank you for your post. I am days away from moving my mom to memory care for the very reasons you mention. She needs help that I cannot give her. I've had to call the fire department four times to pick her up off the floor (I live with her). She just sat down on her butt, but I couldn't get her up. She hasn't been hurt -- yet -- but it's only a matter of time. She also needs medication management, as well as speech, occupational and physical therapy that can be provided at her facility. I can't provide any of those things.

My dad was in the same facility for seven months before he passed away, so I'm lucky to be familiar with it and the staff. I was there every other day with my mom, so they know her. The director is working with me on a transition plan. I know I'm fortunate .

That doesn't make the decision any easier. I feel guilty and sad that I can't take care of her at home any more, but it would be selfish of me to keep her here just because of my feelings. She needs help that I can't give her. Like you, I've gone as far as I can go.

Your post is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing.

Men are no different from women caretakers. It's okay for you to feel what you going through. I had no clue what my dad went through taking care of my mother who was in last stages of cancer and passed on. Then one night a year later we sat in the kitchen and he broke down crying. It was tremendous amount of work and emotions he went through. I won't go into detail, but men go through emotions too.

Well...I put a relative in Assisted Living a few years ago. He went semi-willingly (but, we had to wait some time before they had a bed. And I DID do it to "Get a Life." He lived for two months. I visited every day, and twice/day when he got more frail. I feel Guilty that I never settled down. If I had a Wife and Grown Children, I could have easily cared for him at home. He wasn't that bad (although he also fell on his head a number of times.)

Your message encourages me, thank you for sharing. . We have been on this journey since 2006, my precious partner is 92. His safety, dignity and quality of life are my priorities. He remains cooperative & patient and expresses gratitude for everything I do for him. I pray that like you I will know when I can't do any more. My heart knows that I am doing the best I can with the strength God provides.I'll just keep on keeping on (koko) till I can't. Hugs to you & prayers for all the precious caregivers.

When your loved one begins falling, that means they need more care than you are probably able to provide. Falling is extremely dangerous and unpredictable. You were right to find her an assisted living home.
My dad finally gave up on home caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's when she became incontinent. She died only 6 months later at a memory care facility.
NOW my dad is in the same situation as your wife. He had several small strokes , which he described as tingling sensations, then his mind started to wander some. He was in an Independent living home with his own apartment at that time, only a year ago he was there because he is legally blind and needed the three meals a day and the activities and people around him. Then about a year ago to the day he fell and became unresponsive. The care giver that helped him dress every morning found him on the floor next to his bed. He had left his emergency button in the bathroom.
THATS another concern. If an elder won't and can't keep up with their emergency device, then it's time for assisted living.

Anyway, he had already been under hospice care for his heart failure, so they found him a good nursing home. He has fallen three or four times since, hurting his ribs, knees, and shoulder, but his main problem now is the heart failure and delusions. He is not allowed to walk anywhere, but once in a while he tries it, because his mind is failing, and a fall results.

HE just turned 94, and all his friends and family are gone except for his children. Blind, nearly deaf, unable to walk, and delusional most of the time, it's not a situation I would ever want to be in.
ALSO home care givers have to take into consideration the isolation of a home bound senior. That creates deep depression. Their world gets smaller and smaller as their abilities fade away.

Sounds like you did the right thing. It was time to call in the pros.

God bless you for knowing when the time had come. I have known husbands who have ruined their own health trying to take care of their wives long after they were able. You've done what is best for both of you.

I am so sorry for you. I am at the edge of the same decision. 17 years Parkinson’s Disease and Lewy Body Dementia. Two days out of three, two hours out of three, I cannot safely take care of this wife of 52 years. It is up and down and tests the mind and body. Would she be better somewhere else...yes...two hours out of every three...but I hang on for that one good hour, that one good day. I cannot imagine the pain of your separation. It does no good you say “you are not alone”. Because the truth is that we are on our own.

You did the Righ thing, Here, Dear, Howver, Keep an eye on your Beloved to Ensure she is Getting all of the Care and Attention that she needs. Many places are Good but not as they Should....It is up to you to Visit on regular Daily basis, If all Possible and make sure everything is Not..Impossible.
God Bless, You did what you needed. When Grandma had cancer, We did this too and believe me You..She got the Care she Needed and was Required, Thanks to the family we Are by Far.

You did what was best for both of you! This would have been the next step for my husband. I couldn't help him up when he fell. He passed away before we could do this. I miss him so much. Please don't feel guilty. At least you can see her some times at her facility. Sorry you had to go through this. Rest up! Caregivers have many health problems because of putting others first.

Good for you for being able to make this decision and follow through. It's never easy, but you sound calm and certain that this is the right decision for both of you. You can visit whenever you want and you know she is living in the safest environment you can provide. In addition, I hope that after an initial adjustment for you, you will sleep better, have less daily stress, and perhaps can spend some time with some pals...morning coffee.

If you have not done so already, the Alzheimer's Association has various support groups, including one for male spouses. I hope there is such a group near you. It is very supportive and it seems to me, learning of your journey would be helpful to others in the group. The group will also be quite beneficial as things change and your wife's condition declines.

I did the same with my mom...a different situation than for a spouse...and as wrenching and difficult as this was for me...two years in, I have no regrets. This website and the sharing from folks here helped me tremendously.

Hugs to you. You are a wonderful, committed partner to your wife.

God bless ya , I moved my mom to AL 3 mo ago . She’s so much better and safer even though she doesn’t realize it.

Same for me. It was a question of safety. I just could not safely get my loved one out of the house, in the event of a fire. Fortunately, his issues were physical, rather than mental, so he understood. Still hard, but it was the right thing for both of us. It allowed me to be the wife again.

I’ve been through a similar situation with my mother and I had resisted putting her into a care facility because I had promised her.

Now, I am finding out for various reasons, she is better off. One thing to note though.

The quality of care she receives will be dependent on the family member taking part.

So hang in there and do what you can. Take active participation in her care and she will get the best care possible.

AgainX100-

It IS confusing. Just like Old Sailor I saw the signs, decreased appetite, playing with the food, staggering, instability, faulty vision and excessive sleeping but it’s the time frame that escapes us. The docs and nurses and AL directors see it all the time and can judge how far along things have gone and therefore how much time is left. We just keep plugging along putting out that extra effort or making midcourse corrections not realizing we’ve pushed past the limit.  

Not only that but until you watch the AL people work you don’t really understand how much better a job they can do. How much better your LO might be in their care. You might conclude that keeping your LO too long is actually for you not your LO. Well I’ve rambled enough.

I understand, it is not easy. Keep re-enforcing positive thoughts, as you did what was best for her. Keep posting, it will help.