Today my sweet wife resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.

I'm so sorry, such a tiring and emotional day. You sound like you are at peace with the fact that you've done all you could, and it certainly sounds like you did. What a lucky lady you have! She is in excellent hands and now you can concentrate on the important tasks of just loving her, saying goodbye. My heart is with you.

You did what you knew was right and the best thing for your wife and for yourself.

I am just so sorry that you had to go through all this and I am sorry about your wife.


Hugs!!

I know how to care for the needs you have dealing with this and know how to care for your lovely wife I have 20 years experence and would be blessed to help you through.

qmnpxl - you're a good man. You went above and beyond keeping your vows. Your wife is a lucky woman. Now, you can take a breather and take care of your own health. Then you can visit her as often and as long as you want. The heavy lifting will be done by AL staff.

Hugs! You are a gem of a gentleman.

I am sorry for your loss and I pray that you continue to have peace and that the facility is wonderful to your wife.

Hopefully they have good food and you can enjoy someone taking care of you a bit while you continue to love your wife.

qmnpxl, I know exactly what you went thru. I was at that point with Luz, my DW. Unfortunately the disease and the things that went with it was faster than I thought.
I did not have the opportunity put her into a care facility. I had to put her into hospice where she survived for less than a week.
The tears just came everytime I looked at her or thought about her. they still come every now and then.
I was hurting myself lifting her to dress her or clean her. She slept on the couch at home for the last week here.
It tore me up to think I could no longer care for her by myself. I did what I thought was best for her.
You have done exactly what you should have done. You showed your world that you loved her as much as I love Luz,maybe more.
Visit her often and hold her. I feel that she will understand even if she cannot show it.
God Bless you, Brother.

I'm sorry. I know you are grieving what should have been. You are dealing well with the hand you have been given, though. I placed my mom in AL - best decision ever! She loved it there and thrived. I knew she was well cared for and happy. That gave me peace.

I send you both loving prayers of comfort and mercy.

qmnpxl, you definitely made the right decision for you and for your wife.

You can now be her Husband first not her caregiver.
You can spend time with her and not have to worry about changing her, doing the third load of laundry in the same day. You can enjoy a lunch or dinner with her that someone else makes you can relax. My Husband was at Adult Day Care in a Memory Care wing of a facility and they would take some for lunch on Fridays. I would look at the schedule and figure out what places he would like and I would go with them. I would help him as well as others on and off the van. It was an enjoyable afternoon. Plus I had extra help if I needed help with him.

And for me safety was my breaking point. I always said if it was no longer safe for him or if it was un safe for me I would have to place him. Thankfully it never came to that but that was my yardstick for care at home or having to place him.
You did the right thing.
And you are doing the right thing by contacting Hospice.

I told myself every night that I did the best that I could that day and if I did the best I could sleep well knowing that. So sleep well, you did the best you could and you continue to do your best by providing safe care.
(((hugs)))

Qnmpxl,
I understand that you love your sweet wife by how your words conveyed it all.

You have a friend who knows in Old Sailor.

Keep trying, and when it gets hard, come here to vent.

That was the most loving thing you could do. I'm so glad you could recognize when you could no longer provide for her needs. My father refused to acknowledge that moment with my mother which led to her death which was not at all what he had intended. Sometimes making a loving decision is really hard.

You truly love your wife.

You are an exceptionally strong man to be able to grieve the loss, yet celebrate what you have been able to do; you have gone on to almost the end, and now you will have help in facing the end. So many let guilt over their own humanity level them, and it is such a shame, because no one on this forum is here because they chose to abandon a loved one. Everyone here is struggling, some mightily. I wish you so much luck, and your wife so much peace. I always admired my Mom and Dad's strength at the end, and their lack of guilt. The greatest love story I ever knew, they did not torment themselves. They knew what they were to one another. It was not important to them what the rest of the world thought about their lives. You KNOW what you have done and what you have been to your lovely wife. I am so glad that you do.

I'm both sorry and relieved. I don't know how old you are, but clearly you did your best for as long as you could. Would you want to consider hospice? ANd if you want no doubt you can visit and stay with her as much as you wish. Keeping you in thought...

She is on Hospice.

To very loosely paraphrase a ee cummings poem

The tears come
On little cats feet
Fill your eyes
And then move on

im very sorry that you are going though this. You seem like a very devoted husband.

I understand, it is not easy. Keep re-enforcing positive thoughts, as you did what was best for her. Keep posting, it will help.

AgainX100-

It IS confusing. Just like Old Sailor I saw the signs, decreased appetite, playing with the food, staggering, instability, faulty vision and excessive sleeping but it’s the time frame that escapes us. The docs and nurses and AL directors see it all the time and can judge how far along things have gone and therefore how much time is left. We just keep plugging along putting out that extra effort or making midcourse corrections not realizing we’ve pushed past the limit.  

Not only that but until you watch the AL people work you don’t really understand how much better a job they can do. How much better your LO might be in their care. You might conclude that keeping your LO too long is actually for you not your LO. Well I’ve rambled enough.

I’ve been through a similar situation with my mother and I had resisted putting her into a care facility because I had promised her.

Now, I am finding out for various reasons, she is better off. One thing to note though.

The quality of care she receives will be dependent on the family member taking part.

So hang in there and do what you can. Take active participation in her care and she will get the best care possible.

Same for me. It was a question of safety. I just could not safely get my loved one out of the house, in the event of a fire. Fortunately, his issues were physical, rather than mental, so he understood. Still hard, but it was the right thing for both of us. It allowed me to be the wife again.

God bless ya , I moved my mom to AL 3 mo ago . She’s so much better and safer even though she doesn’t realize it.

Good for you for being able to make this decision and follow through. It's never easy, but you sound calm and certain that this is the right decision for both of you. You can visit whenever you want and you know she is living in the safest environment you can provide. In addition, I hope that after an initial adjustment for you, you will sleep better, have less daily stress, and perhaps can spend some time with some pals...morning coffee.

If you have not done so already, the Alzheimer's Association has various support groups, including one for male spouses. I hope there is such a group near you. It is very supportive and it seems to me, learning of your journey would be helpful to others in the group. The group will also be quite beneficial as things change and your wife's condition declines.

I did the same with my mom...a different situation than for a spouse...and as wrenching and difficult as this was for me...two years in, I have no regrets. This website and the sharing from folks here helped me tremendously.

Hugs to you. You are a wonderful, committed partner to your wife.

You did what was best for both of you! This would have been the next step for my husband. I couldn't help him up when he fell. He passed away before we could do this. I miss him so much. Please don't feel guilty. At least you can see her some times at her facility. Sorry you had to go through this. Rest up! Caregivers have many health problems because of putting others first.

You did the Righ thing, Here, Dear, Howver, Keep an eye on your Beloved to Ensure she is Getting all of the Care and Attention that she needs. Many places are Good but not as they Should....It is up to you to Visit on regular Daily basis, If all Possible and make sure everything is Not..Impossible.
God Bless, You did what you needed. When Grandma had cancer, We did this too and believe me You..She got the Care she Needed and was Required, Thanks to the family we Are by Far.

I am so sorry for you. I am at the edge of the same decision. 17 years Parkinson’s Disease and Lewy Body Dementia. Two days out of three, two hours out of three, I cannot safely take care of this wife of 52 years. It is up and down and tests the mind and body. Would she be better somewhere else...yes...two hours out of every three...but I hang on for that one good hour, that one good day. I cannot imagine the pain of your separation. It does no good you say “you are not alone”. Because the truth is that we are on our own.

God bless you for knowing when the time had come. I have known husbands who have ruined their own health trying to take care of their wives long after they were able. You've done what is best for both of you.

Sounds like you did the right thing. It was time to call in the pros.

When your loved one begins falling, that means they need more care than you are probably able to provide. Falling is extremely dangerous and unpredictable. You were right to find her an assisted living home.
My dad finally gave up on home caring for my mom who had Alzheimer's when she became incontinent. She died only 6 months later at a memory care facility.
NOW my dad is in the same situation as your wife. He had several small strokes , which he described as tingling sensations, then his mind started to wander some. He was in an Independent living home with his own apartment at that time, only a year ago he was there because he is legally blind and needed the three meals a day and the activities and people around him. Then about a year ago to the day he fell and became unresponsive. The care giver that helped him dress every morning found him on the floor next to his bed. He had left his emergency button in the bathroom.
THATS another concern. If an elder won't and can't keep up with their emergency device, then it's time for assisted living.

Anyway, he had already been under hospice care for his heart failure, so they found him a good nursing home. He has fallen three or four times since, hurting his ribs, knees, and shoulder, but his main problem now is the heart failure and delusions. He is not allowed to walk anywhere, but once in a while he tries it, because his mind is failing, and a fall results.

HE just turned 94, and all his friends and family are gone except for his children. Blind, nearly deaf, unable to walk, and delusional most of the time, it's not a situation I would ever want to be in.
ALSO home care givers have to take into consideration the isolation of a home bound senior. That creates deep depression. Their world gets smaller and smaller as their abilities fade away.

Your message encourages me, thank you for sharing. . We have been on this journey since 2006, my precious partner is 92. His safety, dignity and quality of life are my priorities. He remains cooperative & patient and expresses gratitude for everything I do for him. I pray that like you I will know when I can't do any more. My heart knows that I am doing the best I can with the strength God provides.I'll just keep on keeping on (koko) till I can't. Hugs to you & prayers for all the precious caregivers.

Well...I put a relative in Assisted Living a few years ago. He went semi-willingly (but, we had to wait some time before they had a bed. And I DID do it to "Get a Life." He lived for two months. I visited every day, and twice/day when he got more frail. I feel Guilty that I never settled down. If I had a Wife and Grown Children, I could have easily cared for him at home. He wasn't that bad (although he also fell on his head a number of times.)