Today my sweet wife resides in Assisted Living. I placed her there this afternoon.

Men are no different from women caretakers. It's okay for you to feel what you going through. I had no clue what my dad went through taking care of my mother who was in last stages of cancer and passed on. Then one night a year later we sat in the kitchen and he broke down crying. It was tremendous amount of work and emotions he went through. I won't go into detail, but men go through emotions too.

Thank you for your post. I am days away from moving my mom to memory care for the very reasons you mention. She needs help that I cannot give her. I've had to call the fire department four times to pick her up off the floor (I live with her). She just sat down on her butt, but I couldn't get her up. She hasn't been hurt -- yet -- but it's only a matter of time. She also needs medication management, as well as speech, occupational and physical therapy that can be provided at her facility. I can't provide any of those things.

My dad was in the same facility for seven months before he passed away, so I'm lucky to be familiar with it and the staff. I was there every other day with my mom, so they know her. The director is working with me on a transition plan. I know I'm fortunate .

That doesn't make the decision any easier. I feel guilty and sad that I can't take care of her at home any more, but it would be selfish of me to keep her here just because of my feelings. She needs help that I can't give her. Like you, I've gone as far as I can go.

Your post is so encouraging. Thank you for sharing.

Prayers, unfortunately I think that happens to all our loved ones. Be strong and keep loving. God Bless

You’re a wise man and your wife is blessed to have you

We take care of our loved ones the best we can. Safety must come first and your health. You will continue to take care of her with the help of assisted living. She is a lucky woman

Thank you for posting this. I have been worrying about my spouse. My 79 y/o husband is lucid, but he is now in cardiac rehab after a hospital stay for CHF. He still has some edema so they are working on getting that down as well as getting him to walk (he also has Peripheral Artery Disease.)

He’s been in this situation before. But he didn’t do what his doctors told him to (walk and use walker) and this is the upshot. If he falls, I cannot lift him up. When he last left for the hospital (third time this year) all he did was sit around with his head dropped to his collarbone. He only went out once a week. He started having his beer delivered. He drank a large six pack a day, though I’ve never seen him drunk and he’s had no trouble having no beer for the last month he’s been in hospital.

Anyway, I wanted to thank you. He’s nowhere near needing an AL facility, but his mom developed dementia in her early 80s and I’m not sure I would be able to provide the care he needs. I am grateful to you and the other answerers.

Sounds like a loving, wise, and sensible decision. I'm sure it was painful but it sounds like you're at peace with it, which us as good as it can be under the circumstances. Bless you both.

My dear, you are a good husband. May God bless you and give you strength to take care of yourself and your wife. Joy and peace to you.

My dad has been through a similar experience. My mother, who has dementia, went to assisted living I February 2019. They’ve been married 66 years, but her personality and paranoia made life unbearable for both of them. Although it’s been a huge shift, I know we did the right thing...she is safe and has proper care and medication, and he can have peaceful days at the age of 88. Prayers and peace to you and all of us who face difficult decisions.

I'm going through a similar situation with my Mom. Two years ago we placed her in a senior living home. She's been very happy there. Now, her medical care has increased to the point where she needs to be in long term care. It's been hard on me because I know she's so happy where she is but they can no longer provide the care she needs.
I'm sure it's even more difficult for you because this is your spouse. It certainly sounds like you've given this lots of thought and have consulted with your wife's physician, etc. and this is the best situation for your wife.
Now, you will be able to visit her and have some quality time together knowing that she is well cared for. Please enjoy those moments together and know that you have done your very best for your wife.
God Bless!

Thank you for letting me know extraordinary husbands like you still exist.... God bless you and your precious wife.

What a sweet, caring husband to know when you needed to get her more help than you can provide! I haven’t faced this (yet) with my spouse, nor he with me, but I plan to make it clear to both my husband and my children to lovingly release me to the care of others when it comes to this place in our lives.

You made a difficult decision, but you did know that when you put your head down on your pillow at night, you can rest assured that your wonderful wife is also sleeping and will be checked on and cared for through the night. You need the rest for yourself now, so that you can go visit her in the day time (and that doesn’t have to be daily, unless you want it that way).

You’re also wise to get a hospice evaluation set. Not all hospices are as bad as some people make them out to be. My experiences with hospice in my area (SC) has been marvelous. Both of my parents, a dear friend who had cancer, and now my aunt (with Alzheimers) have had good. loving hospice care. For that, I’m very grateful.

I pray you and your wife will enjoy some precious moments together as both of you adjust to your new living arrangements.

My heart goes out to you. Your wife is so lucky to have your love.

I am so sorry qmnpxl - I know it can't have been an easy decision for you.

I know all about having to second-guess myself. For some, there does come a time when there's nothing left for you to do but to do what you had to do.

Prayers for you.

You did the right thing for her. You are her "happy place". Now when she sees you, she'll see her joy walking thru her door.

Safety first is always best.
Wishing you all Blessings.

Sad for you because you had to make this decision, but at the same time very happy for you because you were able to make this decision. You summed it all up so well - that you took the first path as far as it could be taken - and could no longer help her in a manner to keep her safe. Of course there were tears and there may be a few more, but it is apparent from your statements and your heart is aware that you did what you could for as long as possible.

Your next journey has begun with her sitting in her new chair and going to sleep. Something greater than you and I allowed this transition to go smoothly. God bless you both.

It must have been difficult but you did what was best for both of you. Not everyone is strong enough and your message can be encouragement to someone else.

Well done Sir, you did all you could and more. She is safe and can rest and go into hospice care. Your love shows with your post. Hugs for doing the best for you both for a good long time. 11 years!

OH, you are a saint. Today, in about 2 hours, I am transferring my 89 year old mother to a board and care home because my husband and I could not take it anymore. And yes, we were feeling like we didn't have a life. I feel so so very guilty. I stopped working at age 55, 3 years ago, to take care of her full-time in my home. I hate that I feel like I'm quitting. You are stronger than me...

Very tough decision, but you made the right one for her safety. I went through the same thing - and sometimes the guilt feelings of not bringing my Mom back home - however, I know it was the right decision as I could not be there every minute with working! Just be sure to visit often at different times of the day to make sure she is properly cared for. It's good that you are enlisting a hospice service. The aides will come to bathe her regularly and provide supplies - and nurses to assist in her medication control. Hospice doesn't mean near death - it is comfort care and they are wonderful people.

Ask a lot of questions - the first hospice we had was not very good, argued with me about doing a simple urine test for a UTI. They refused - Mom was in long term care at the time. I fought with them for four days as Mom was not responding to me (I visited every day) and told them it was either her dementia getting worse or she had a UTI - both very possible! Well, at 2:30 am on that 4th day she fell at the nursing attempting to get up on her own. 2" of stitches across the forehead, skin scraped off her entire left shoulder cap, both knees scraped and broken right hand. I do not know why it took an hour for the nurses to respond when her roommate was yelling for help & turned on her light. The resident across the hall heard the commotion and called the home on the outside line trying nursing station to nursing station until she got someone to answer - which took an hour. I moved her to a different home and enlisted a different hospice. The point of this is to go with your gut instinct and push for what you want done! If neither the nurses or hospice will respond, go to the director - I wish I had. If that doesn't work, move her!

As a side note, if you find your loved one in soiled diapers that had obviously been on for a while, put it in a plastic bag and drop it on the director's desk - this proved to be VERY effective!

Good luck to you sir and may the Lord Bless You!

Love, hearts and hugs go out to you during this difficult time. Your precious wife may not be able to express it verbally or physically, but she is aware of every single love and kind expression you are showing...no matter how small it may be.

If you are able to, please make sure you actually check and physically see the food she is consuming, if the bathing is adequate and compassionate, if she is cold in the late afternoon, if the clothing they are putting on her is taking care of her needs and the temperature of the room is comfortable for her.

I began to "drop in" at different times when my mom was in 3 different assisted living facilities for 1-3 weeks each time. Each person has different needs and the workers aren't necessarily as equipped as they should be. Check on your state's requirement for the position of care worker in a facility. You might be surprised how little knowledge or experience is necessary. When I discovered this lack of experience, I started checking 2-3 times a day and I'm glad I did. It was a constant exercise in love, but I couldn't sleep comfortable at night if I had not been making those daily checks throughout the day. Others didn't have anyone coming to check on them until the weekend. My heart was heavy for them.

Your wife knows everything you are doing for her as well as your anguish. You can only do what you are capable of doing. If you can check on her daily or bi-weekly, it may give you more peace as well. Blessings to you and your wife.

I had a similar situation with my mom. She wasn't able to stand and I couldn't lift her up to get her into the wheelchair to get her to the bathroom. She was dead weight. She wasn't eating or drinking water and got dehydrated. She was in the hospital for a few days then they put her in a nursing home. She was only in there for about two months when she passed away. She really didn't have any quality of life. I don't regret anything. I diy best for her. You've done everything you could for your wife. When we can't take care of them anymore then it's best to put them somewhere where they can get professional care.

Glad you are voicing this, it was her condition not because of anything else. You are hurting inside, but your brain knows the truth. Stay strong. Sleep sound and know others are thinking and praying for you and your sweet wife.

You have done your best. It is time for professionals to take over. Godspeed.

You sound like a wonderful, nurturing, conscientious man. You did the right thing!

I am going to give statics that most have no idea. In this United States the ratio to care. Is one care giver to 15 Elders. In that 1 also counts any that are not direct care. So a caregiver will most likely have over 30 Elders to care for during a shift. That gives no time to even learn a name much less give a hug a prayer. Not enough know about this. Our systems claim not enough money. Not true Medicare pays 106 a day for a elder in a nursing home. Private pay is outradiass while home tries to compensate for Medicare clients. And even if all were Medicare pay still enough money is available to pay employees properly and change ratio to one care giver to 3 Elders. Our system is broken our Elders are in danger. What will it take for change to come. I do not know other than eduacate all I can do maybe we can stand in Absulte that this will not continue to be accecable. Also assisted living across the United States are all private pay. Attempt that cost at around 6000 a month. Look at records when visiting homes looking for placement. All have to have records on and about abuse neglect unanary Tracy infections are the main resin for oder in birding homes. The Elders are not adequately give fluids changed kept clean. If you are not known as a major member of the Elders team that is covering the lead position in their care you are leaving their lives in hands to fill to care properly even when want is there the help is not. Please I have been in the Elder Care profession for 20 years. As you make your decision on placement go with as much knowledge as possible. Intellect will keep your loved one safer and as we age I really think acceptable to us will change as we learn and go through this process rather with a loved one or as we age. Blesssengs always Cynthia

You have done a beautiful job of loving your wife and caring for her. It is the right decision to make when you are having concerned with her safety. A friend of mine made the same decision about their spouse. Now you get to be her husband again and hold her hand and tell her how much you love her.

God bless you. Seems you did all you could while you could. Remember God is with you and with her. He is merciful even in your sadness.

Dear man: You did the right thing. You knew that the living situation could NOT continue as it was. Good job. Prayers to you, sir!

Gmnpxl
I'm sorry to read that it came to this for you. I'm also happy for you. One can only do what one can do and it appears you reached the finish line.
I'm sure you will visit with your wife everyday possible because she still needs your presence EVEN if she sleeps 24/7.
I go home once a month to visit my Mom, take care of her property, talk with attorneys about her estate etc, I do this because I love her.
She too sleeps 24/7, BUT she has smiled, said I love you sweetie to me each time I've visited the past 2-3 months. I knew she recognized me when she looked up and said 'what the hell are you doing here'? THAT was the happiest 30 seconds of my life in the last year.
God lifted your cross and you're able to breathe now.
For me, my cross was given to me a year ago, but it's one I bear willingly for a woman/Mother who did everything for her children/family/neighbors and strangers. But it's the love of a Mother for me and doing my best to be there for her that makes my cross easier to bear for me.
May your love stay and be stronger, remember the woman you married as well as what it is about her that made you fall in love with her.