This may sound a little weird- but mom falsely believes she is in a relationship with a male aide. Is this uncommon?

These days, you can never be too careful. Obviously, the male aide was smart enough to bring another female aide when he assists your mom. He gets my HIGHEST respect because most males fail to heed the early warning signs. Also, this protects him from any sexual harassment complaint in case her "love" fantasy changes into a "rejection" fantasy. Better yet, she should have ONLY females assisting her. No male should EVER be alone with her.

As a home health aide, my first male client was a wonderful, clean man who suffered from dementia. Although a widower, he had lived a very full life. He had all the old photos, news clips, etc. to support every story he told about himself. I worked from 3 to 11 pm with him.

After a few weeks, I began to get a "funny vibe" as the sun began to set. He normally went to bed at 7 pm. It suddenly took him a long time to get settled in for sleep. He began to speak very sweetly. I halfway dismissed it -- until one night I caught him watching p#rn on his computer.

He did not know I saw him. I never said a word to him or anyone else. As I know this can happen with dementia patients, I did not want to embarrass him. I simply replaced him with a female client. And if I can help it, I will NOT be with another male client again!

P.S. Please keep in mind, the medications may confuse a patient's mental state. My male client (above) was on many prescribed, over-the-counter and holistic meds for dementia, hypertension, broken bones, etc.

When my mother moved into assisted living, she told my sister and me that two of the gentlemen at her dining table were in a good-natured competition for her affections. She said they thought she was younger than she was (although she looks every day of her 94 years, although a good 94 years). My sister was appalled. I told her that our father had probably never made our mother feel attractive the whole time they were married, not being free with any compliments, and if she wanted to have this fantasy now then that was fine with me. Fortunately, my mother is very discreet and never exhibited any outward behaviors that she thought this. I agree, however, that any "object of affection" outside the fantasy should be protected from any embarrassing situations.

Wow- great responses and advice- I had. I idea how many others this happened to. So familia!!! My mom thought this male aide spent the night last night where they played “kissy kissy” etc. he wasn’t even on duty. Thanks everyone for sharing your experiences and offering suggestions! Glad I had courage to post!!

This is not uncommon. Some people have delusions regarding relationships with other residents much to the dismay of their spouse. A person with dementia often suffers delusions of varying degree. As long as these delusions are not causing distress I would keep redirecting her. However, I'm thinking that the facility should be made aware. They may already know given that they have additional staffing for personal care.

After reading all of these comments, I figure if I live long enough to end up in a nursing home, I hope I can have some of these hallucinations (only in my brain-not acted out)--my "social life" will be far more exciting than it has been so far! LOL

This falls under the delusional disorder broad umbrella term. The larger word of course is mental illness. The person's mind tricks them with non reality and in this case, your mother's mind may have tricked her into thinking that this is a real relationship. Oftentimes, the person cannot distinguish reality from non reality.

From my reading here, it’s not uncommon. My LO had several delusions early on. One was that her doctor slept on a couch in her MC. Another, was that an old male friend was her roommate. Her roommate was a female with short hair who wore jeans, but in her mind it was David and she was very happy about it. I went along with it. Later, the softdrink delivery man took her on dates by picking her up on a horse to go get ice cream, She loved that a lot. There was no harm and it made her happy.

My mom selected a reputable local surgeon as her imaginary fiancee. She spoke to him daily on a dead phone line, sang to him, and changed her name on all her bills to his last name. While dining in a fast food restaurant, she informed me, at the top of her lungs, that she had had sex with him. This continued for several years. It dominated every conversation, every visit, and every phone call.

Did I handle any of this well? No. There was zero evidence that any of this was true, but my mom would not be moved from her belief. To indulge her fantasy would lead to hours of discussion about her wedding, what to wear, and so on. I simply could not, and would not do that. I did not care. After trying logic and evidence, I simply gave up and refused to discuss it with her.

She is now in a facility and tells me that a group of men gather and sing to her at night, outside her window.

We had similar problem. Mom thinks "young, attractive man" is flirting with her. Starts confabulating and getting out of hand, all due to him remembering she likes cantaloupe and asking her if she wanted some that day. Other ladies at her table comment: He's too young for you. Why is he after you? Which did not help. Earlier occurrence involved male aides giving ladies baths, watching them put on pajamas at night...it got to the point where I felt a little weird about it. A male aide takes selfie with my mom. Male aide says "you look great in jeans" (mom usually was wearing loose sweats up to that point before starting to come back to herself and dressing less casual). But it all fed into her fantasy that she is "hot", and that she is at work in the factory again where secretaries are infighting, jealous of management attentions, etc., from 50 years ago. Long story short, too many things happened, and she became casual about mentioning how much everyone was complimenting her, spying on her naked, how "cute" they all were. Turned into a giant investigation. Luckily she and I are able to still talk frankly (she is not mentally disabled with dementia) so I was able to help her understand what was reality and why it was important to be accurate and not let her ego and self-esteem get an innocent man fired, he has wife and kids, was only being friendly, she is inexperienced at 80 and having had three strokes, and having lived in an isolated fashion for so long, and she agreed that she was perhaps not perceiving their intentions correctly. She often refers to her care facility as "work" or "the factory" and her friends as "the other secretaries", but we are working on it. Good luck to you, just wanted to share the idea that we nipped it in the bud so no one would be fired, but it certainly does require some caution and we want to keep our loved ones safe, so cannot just dismiss such things.

All these answers make me feel better about my mother's behavior towards her mailman. She lives on a rural route & the mailman is supposed to not get out of his truck to deliver anything that can fit in the mailbox.

Mother would hear him coming and grab 2 Hershey's Kisses and make her way to the front door--where she would be motioning for him to come up to the house. He would (the sweet guy) and she would tell him he had to give her a 'kiss' and she'd give him 2. HIGHLY inappropriate, but he'd maybe peck her on the cheek and take the candy. I witnessed this ONCE and about lost my mind. "Mother, this is sexual harassment!" (On the lowest possible level, but still, so mortifying,) She said 'oh, he loves it'.

Upon speaking to him one day, he admitted he in fact, did NOT 'love it' and was putting in for a transfer. Luckily it came through and she has a new mailman she hasn't been able to train.

And she does not have dementia. She's just kooky. She also thinks all the single men at the Sr Center 'want her'---and I have to give her snaps for thinking that could be true. She's 90 and a hard worn 90.

And yes, she watches those awful Hallmark movies every single day. I think they have rotted her brain. She is icky sweet flirtatious with all my sons in law--they have handled that far better than I would.

Happiness is so fleeting , why interfere with her happiness? (even if only imagined) Happiness requires
a. something to do
b someone to love
c something to look forward to.
And this fantasy boyfriend is providing all of these. Let her be

Mom is happy so let her live in her make believe world. As you can see, this has a positive effect on her. My mom had ALZ and when her male physical therapist came, she was a different person. During one of his visit, she told him a young man makes an old woman feel good.

My Mother and another resident decided they were married and called each other by their previous spouses names. Each enjoyed having someone to walk with and share the day. They willingly went to their own rooms at night. However, when Mother needed a physical exam, her "husband" did not want another man examining her without him present. It was a major brouhaha before being worked out. Their relationship made them both happy and that made me happy. However, his wife lived in another area of the facility for those not needing such care. She volunteered every day and saw what was going on. I could not go up to her and ask how she did it and with such love. I now am so sorry I didn't learn the source of her strength. Ultimately I moved my mother due to my own move out of the area--she never mentioned him but she was never as happy either!

We were told that part of her brain is affected, whether by dementia, stroke, bleed or injury. With my adopted Mother, it went away over time. But I got so tickled when I came to visit and “teenage” her had to break up with her boyfriend because he liked someone else on the floor, lol.

In her laterstages of dementia my late aunt believed I was a boyfriend,not her nephew.Since she was in a supervised Dementia unit,so I felt ok,though uncomfortable.I think a female should supervise or take over so that there everyone is legally safe.

I was going to ask if she is on any medications that can effect the mind. THe reason for the female staffer is as a witness incase your mom thinks they have gotten in to a physical relationship and talks about it. He doesn't want to lose his job- im sure. He's probably seen and heard it all before. I went thru weird mental episodes with my mom when she was in the hospital. It turned out she had a UTI. But before that, they gave her meds for schizophrenia! (my mother has always been of very sound mind!) But it turned out to be a UTI! The meds & the UTI made her mental. Anyway- you need to talk to her dr and let him or her know what is going on and take it from there. It's a shame as it is making her happy.

She's in a different time zone then you. She's thinking of herself and her surroundings from a younger version of herself. Don't tell her her thoughts are inappropriate or wrong it will just cause confusion. The staff is handling it the best way possible.

If aide brings someone with him, he also understands what is going on. It's pretty common for this sort of thing to happen. This is probably not the first time the aide has seen this. If it keeps her positive and working on appearance, that is a plus. Probably is weird for a daughter to see mom acting like this, but it could be worse. She could be sitting around ticked off at the world and you and no longer interested in personal appearance. It's ok.

This was my mom's dominant fantasy. During the last year of her life, she'd had numerous boyfriends, weddings, lover's quarrels, infidelity, divorces and lots of sex and babies. At first it was a little odd as my mom was reserved and modest and had only been with father, but it seemed to make her happy and give her something to look forward to. She was dating several of the male staff. Didn't matter their age, they all wanted her. I just went with it. We'd talk about her wedding dress, flowers, attendees, food. The fantasy kept her going until the last couple of months when she could no longer speak. Sadly, all part of the decline.

It doesn't sound weird at all. Clearly this doesn't involve sexual acting-out, in which case it's a whole different issue. It may be wishful thinking, a need for affection and validation, recollection of the satisfaction of intimacy from her earlier life. I'd say it could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, without the sex.

I think it is harmless for your Mom but you might want to bring it up to staff in the event someone believes her. In today's environment, all accusations must be taken seriously and this Male aid could be falsely accused of something horrible. It sounds sweet in this forum but a third party could see this as serious abuse against an elder. Might be good if management is aware of her "fantasy", for the Aids sake.

My mother did the same with her aide at first we thought it was sweet- she was happier. But soon she became jealous of my sister accusing her of having an affair with him! It was no longer cute. The next time was with her PT who she insisted was in love with her and would cry at night because they were not together. So for us, no more men caregivers. If it starts taking a weird turn suggest you keep to women caregivers too.

My 97 year old grandfather was sure the women on his floor wanted to get into bed with him and have sex. He said he didn't want "old broads"! OMG! It seems funny, but it disturbed him. He was just beginning to show signs of dementia and died soon after. He was quite the character until the bitter end, but this can certainly be an issue if someone doesn't understand what they're hearing.

I think it’s common. My mother has done it as well, particularly not long after she moved to ALF since the nurses came into her apartment occasionally.
I mentioned it to the nursing supervisor. I was concerned her stories could cause a problem for the male nurse. They took steps to give her a female nurse in the evening when she’s most confused. It may make your mother happy but I’d be concerned about a third party’s reaction who could be upset and cause a serious problem , people gossip and don’t always make sure about facts before they complain

Hi KEngMcG,I am having the same thing happen with my mil.she really thinks that this male RN at the facility she is in for the time being so we can get her on meds and in a somewhat normal frame of mind.

It's not the least bit unusual. My mom has the same kind of fantasy, only hers is with another resident. This sweet man hasn't a clue either. He talks with her, let her hold his hand, he will push her in her wheelchair to an activity or to the dining room. Then she gets very angry when she sees him do the same thing with other women. He is just a kindly old gentleman. I talked with her doctor and the staff nurses and they've all said that as our parents age, it's not uncommon for them to act like they are in high school puppy love. From this stage she has gone even more childlike. I work at the assisted living facility so I can help keep her there as her money is so low now. So when I come and go on a work day, she is like a child suffering with separation anxiety. The doctor and nurses have assured me this is all very common place. I don't know if my experience helps you or not. As long as her care giver is wise enough to bring a female with him, I see no problem.

Just 'cuz mom is old doesn't mean she is dead to "liking", infatuation, or loving somebody. Seems the facility and the aide have things well in hand.

My mom thinks Kirk Douglas stopped by last night.  I just want him to bring Mike next time.  Seriously, I smile and nod

It sounds to me like your Mom is hallucinating which is probably a side effect from medication and age.
Now you are wondering how to deal with this ? Do you play along with your Mom's harmless fantasy which keeps Her in a positive frame of mind, and it motivates Her to take pride in Her appearance, or do you just bust Her baloon and crush probably the last happy chapter left in Her Life ?
l would be incline to approach the Aide quietly and check that He's ok. If it is harmless fantasy and no one is feeling hurt or offended by this then let it be.

My Mom (89) was telling me about another male resident and how handsome he is. Every time she saw him in the dining room, she would comment on it and want to position herself so she could look in his direction. I thought it was cute (he barely knew she was there). Just yesterday, we walked past his room and I said hi to him. Mom asked me who I was talking to and I said, "You know, that guy you think is so handsome." Her reply was, "What? Oh I want someone much younger than him!". Too funny! Every day is different!