This may sound a little weird- but mom falsely believes she is in a relationship with a male aide. Is this uncommon?

As long as there is nothing going on I see no problem with this UNLESS mom is making the aid so uncomfortable that he is asking to be taken from the duties of caring for her. If so this might have an adverse effect on mom. I am glad he is bringing in another staff member to avoid any problems.

In another post, you mentioned your mother suffers from dementia. Believing she's in a relationship with an aide is par for the course; delusions and even hallucinations are common with this dreadful disease, and every day is brand new for issues (unfortunately).

But hey, I'm glad to hear the aide brings a female staffer in with him when tending to your mother, that's a good thing. And imo it's also a good thing that she believes this fantasy because it keeps her happy & cheerful & WANTING to keep up her appearance, and that's wonderful.

Good luck!

It might be a good idea to have a word with the aide and let him know that you understand it’s all fantasy. It’s good that he’s bringing someone with him, but he may be concerned that you might have got the wrong idea.

My Mom thought the Adultcare bus driver was her boyfriend. She wanted me to call him one night. I told her I didn't have his phone number or his last name. Yes, par for the course.

Sometimes people with dementia become hypersexual as a result of the disease. They may believe that they are in an improbable romantic relationship, make passes at people, or make sexual jokes or comments that you NEVER would have heard before. It's another part of a cruel disease. It's important to remember that it's the disease talking, not the loved one.

I've seen this too. Elderly lady who was giddy over one of the executives in charge of her nursing facility. She felt it was mutual and that the man wanted an intimate relationship with her. It was not clear when or how she met him - I always assumed he was just possibly passing through keeping an eye on things. Not clear if she even spoke to him or not. Also not clear if she ever saw him again or if he actually exists (there were multiple untrue stories being told and she was prone to hallucinating).

I would like to say it's harmless, but I am not so sure. Maybe if he didn't come around, she would forget about him?

Oh my word -- I guess you have to see the humor in it, but also feel for the male aide! Your mother probably misses male companionship and created this fantasy relationship to fill that need. My mother - who has severe dementia - also tells strange things about the people at the nursing home. Lately she's been asking if my dad (who passed 23 years ago and she had been divorced from for 25 years prior to that) is "still planning on marrying that woman who works here." When I tell her that dad died years ago, she says "yes, I know." Then, ten minutes later "Is your dad getting married?" *Slap forehead*

Your hunch is most likely correct and it’s highly unlikely there is anything going on with the male aide. However, there have been cases where inappropriate sexual things have gone on with staff members taking advantage of residents/patients. You could install a camera and/or voice this situation to higher ups and ask for a different aide which would actually protect the male aide’s reputation. Although evidently he is now accompanied by a female aide, that might not be a good long term solution, as it’s not very practical for scheduling purposes unless she needs two-person assist.

Sometimes our LO’s say all kinds of crazy things that really don’t matter, but this scenario might be worth exploring for peace of mind all around. Good luck.

Yes this is not new to me, when I have my mother in respite she tells me strange things she has couples sleeping with her in her little bed. Also it depends what she views on TV it becomes reality. My Mother was watching Titanic a movie she use to love, well halfway through the movie I here her yelling help help get me out get me out. I go in her room she tells me the ship is sinking we gotta get off.
well that was it, I now pick her movies very carefully. Back to the bed thing. She tells me there is someone in her bed all the time. She can see them. But when I put her in for the night she says OK they have gone. I have gotten to the point that nothing she says is going to make any sense.

My mom thought the same thing when she was in the hospital. My mom is 82 now and was 80 then, and the male nurse was 24 years old and my mom thought he liked her and was attracted to her, when in reality she was attracted to him. It is real cute. Just let it be. Even though our parents are old, they are still attracted to younger men. It is a good thing for them. Attraction keeps them going! My mom still looks at men in their 30's, 40's and 50's and thinks they are cute and she wishes to be young again so she can flirt. However, she is still flirting!

Yes, this is all too familiar to me.  My mom watches lifetime movies and all the sudden she is living it.  She would tell me her physical therapist was putting her in sexual positions and then oddly laugh … It is embarrassing and I usually change the subject.  My mom has very detailed stories like "that nurse is having an affair with that male employee and she is jealous of me and thinks I am trying to move in on her man and she is trying to get me kicked out of here."  The assisted living facility called me yesterday at work to tell me she was all worked up and telling everyone the nurse was trying to get her kicked out.  It is exhausting and embarrassing and all I can tell you is to deflect the conversation and pray for serenity.  If you can find a glimmer of humor in the situation, that might help, but most times I have trouble doing that. LOL

My 93 yr old mom believes any male who says hello to her is flirting.

My wife is currently in a nursing home for inpatient physical therapy after breaking her neck in a freak accident and the little old lady in the room next to hers thinks I'm her husband on some days. One night while we were dealing with one of my wife's panic attacks, she wheeled herself into the room and started hollering at the nurses "What are you doing with my husband in here?!!". Other days, I've been the ice cream man, a nurse, an orderly and a police officer.

I just figure she's not at herself and go about the helping tend to my wife.

My Mom (89) was telling me about another male resident and how handsome he is. Every time she saw him in the dining room, she would comment on it and want to position herself so she could look in his direction. I thought it was cute (he barely knew she was there). Just yesterday, we walked past his room and I said hi to him. Mom asked me who I was talking to and I said, "You know, that guy you think is so handsome." Her reply was, "What? Oh I want someone much younger than him!". Too funny! Every day is different!

It sounds to me like your Mom is hallucinating which is probably a side effect from medication and age.
Now you are wondering how to deal with this ? Do you play along with your Mom's harmless fantasy which keeps Her in a positive frame of mind, and it motivates Her to take pride in Her appearance, or do you just bust Her baloon and crush probably the last happy chapter left in Her Life ?
l would be incline to approach the Aide quietly and check that He's ok. If it is harmless fantasy and no one is feeling hurt or offended by this then let it be.

My mom thinks Kirk Douglas stopped by last night.  I just want him to bring Mike next time.  Seriously, I smile and nod

Just 'cuz mom is old doesn't mean she is dead to "liking", infatuation, or loving somebody. Seems the facility and the aide have things well in hand.

It's not the least bit unusual. My mom has the same kind of fantasy, only hers is with another resident. This sweet man hasn't a clue either. He talks with her, let her hold his hand, he will push her in her wheelchair to an activity or to the dining room. Then she gets very angry when she sees him do the same thing with other women. He is just a kindly old gentleman. I talked with her doctor and the staff nurses and they've all said that as our parents age, it's not uncommon for them to act like they are in high school puppy love. From this stage she has gone even more childlike. I work at the assisted living facility so I can help keep her there as her money is so low now. So when I come and go on a work day, she is like a child suffering with separation anxiety. The doctor and nurses have assured me this is all very common place. I don't know if my experience helps you or not. As long as her care giver is wise enough to bring a female with him, I see no problem.

Hi KEngMcG,I am having the same thing happen with my mil.she really thinks that this male RN at the facility she is in for the time being so we can get her on meds and in a somewhat normal frame of mind.

I think it’s common. My mother has done it as well, particularly not long after she moved to ALF since the nurses came into her apartment occasionally.
I mentioned it to the nursing supervisor. I was concerned her stories could cause a problem for the male nurse. They took steps to give her a female nurse in the evening when she’s most confused. It may make your mother happy but I’d be concerned about a third party’s reaction who could be upset and cause a serious problem , people gossip and don’t always make sure about facts before they complain

My 97 year old grandfather was sure the women on his floor wanted to get into bed with him and have sex. He said he didn't want "old broads"! OMG! It seems funny, but it disturbed him. He was just beginning to show signs of dementia and died soon after. He was quite the character until the bitter end, but this can certainly be an issue if someone doesn't understand what they're hearing.

My mother did the same with her aide at first we thought it was sweet- she was happier. But soon she became jealous of my sister accusing her of having an affair with him! It was no longer cute. The next time was with her PT who she insisted was in love with her and would cry at night because they were not together. So for us, no more men caregivers. If it starts taking a weird turn suggest you keep to women caregivers too.

I think it is harmless for your Mom but you might want to bring it up to staff in the event someone believes her. In today's environment, all accusations must be taken seriously and this Male aid could be falsely accused of something horrible. It sounds sweet in this forum but a third party could see this as serious abuse against an elder. Might be good if management is aware of her "fantasy", for the Aids sake.

It doesn't sound weird at all. Clearly this doesn't involve sexual acting-out, in which case it's a whole different issue. It may be wishful thinking, a need for affection and validation, recollection of the satisfaction of intimacy from her earlier life. I'd say it could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship, without the sex.

This was my mom's dominant fantasy. During the last year of her life, she'd had numerous boyfriends, weddings, lover's quarrels, infidelity, divorces and lots of sex and babies. At first it was a little odd as my mom was reserved and modest and had only been with father, but it seemed to make her happy and give her something to look forward to. She was dating several of the male staff. Didn't matter their age, they all wanted her. I just went with it. We'd talk about her wedding dress, flowers, attendees, food. The fantasy kept her going until the last couple of months when she could no longer speak. Sadly, all part of the decline.

If aide brings someone with him, he also understands what is going on. It's pretty common for this sort of thing to happen. This is probably not the first time the aide has seen this. If it keeps her positive and working on appearance, that is a plus. Probably is weird for a daughter to see mom acting like this, but it could be worse. She could be sitting around ticked off at the world and you and no longer interested in personal appearance. It's ok.

She's in a different time zone then you. She's thinking of herself and her surroundings from a younger version of herself. Don't tell her her thoughts are inappropriate or wrong it will just cause confusion. The staff is handling it the best way possible.

I was going to ask if she is on any medications that can effect the mind. THe reason for the female staffer is as a witness incase your mom thinks they have gotten in to a physical relationship and talks about it. He doesn't want to lose his job- im sure. He's probably seen and heard it all before. I went thru weird mental episodes with my mom when she was in the hospital. It turned out she had a UTI. But before that, they gave her meds for schizophrenia! (my mother has always been of very sound mind!) But it turned out to be a UTI! The meds & the UTI made her mental. Anyway- you need to talk to her dr and let him or her know what is going on and take it from there. It's a shame as it is making her happy.

In her laterstages of dementia my late aunt believed I was a boyfriend,not her nephew.Since she was in a supervised Dementia unit,so I felt ok,though uncomfortable.I think a female should supervise or take over so that there everyone is legally safe.