The elderly man that I care for asks me every day and very directly to perform sexual acts on him. I have tried everything I can think of.

If you are a caretaker to this man, I see only two options. You leave (after making it known why you are leaving) - they need to get a man caretaker. And if that is not something you want to do, then I would really tell him off in a BIG WAY - not geing sweet or nice or redirecting but really letting him have it in such a way that he cannot possibly NOT understand. If he keeps it up, threaten him with imprisonment or being sent to a facility, etc. But get very tough with him. And see if a doctor can give him some medication. Do NOT let him abuse you this way. This calls for extreme toughness. YOU are the BOSS.

I have been incredibly impressed with the OP's attitude this and other threads.

Key thing: she *is* the employer. She has set up and runs an independent care service, while remaining the lead caregiver. She's fantastic, we need many more people like her.

Which also raises the question: if she 'fires' this client and terminates his family's contract, where will this frail disabled elder get care? Saying "if you're frail and disabled but some of your behaviours are repellant then too bad you're on your own" may feel satisfying but it is not an answer.

OP’s ridden into the sunset, but I have to agree with everyone who said “get out, now”. I hope she already has. I tolerated this from a male-dominated office in the 70’s when there was no #metoo movement. It sure would be different now!

Pam, "my husband has one of those, except it's bigger?" LOL,LOL, LOL,

Report this to the police! This is sexual harrassment IN THE WORKPLACE - yes, it is a workplace.

Do you need this job? I guess I just don't understand why you want to put up with this. I would quit. One time behaving this way, and I'm done. As someone else pointed out, this man sounds capable of accusing you when he does not get what he wants. To stay basically gives the unspoken signal that his behavior is ok.

When I was a student , one of my co students went to give an elderly man his breathing treatment. He flashed her, she freaked.. I said I'll do it.. He flashed me.. I had two responces.. " my husband has one of those, only bigger" or.." I can't wait to tell your wife you showed me that". Maybe tell him you;ll ask his relative if its "OK" to do that? And how much you should charge for it? Maybe ask in front of him while cousin is there? It may be enough to get it handled (no pun intended). In my 22 years of healthcare I have been propositioned, groped, you name it. Sometime if you love your job you just have to let it roll and deal with it with humor.. But if it is too much you need to get another client!

When my Mom was in a nursing home, there was a patient in there in a wheelchair that asked me if I could “help him out”. I said what do you need and he pointed at his crotch with a sneer. I watched him talk with the staff there and he sounded completely lucid and intelligent. He was just asking for a sexual favor which embarrassed me to death. I told him to speak to a nurse and walked off. Never spoke to him again. Just a dirty old man. Don’t put up with that. There are plenty of caregiving jobs out there. A dirty old man is a dirty old man and they are out there. Sometimes ones you would never expect.

Y mother worked for a home health care agency years ago and dealt with this one time. She had an elderly man who was in assisted living and he'd always ask her where they were going to have sex
This man had dementia if I remember correctly.

Find another job!!!

He is making you very uncomfortable and he must know it if he doesn't have dementia. So I don't think he would respond to nice. I doubt he will stop. You need to get away from him..

I highly recommend you get out, stop caring for him right away! If he is competent and doing this who know what he may try accusing you of down the road.

Tell the family to get him a male caregiver!

This can be a tricky situation as your safety and his is the first priority.
You need to establish yourself as the Professional that you are! State honestly that you are there to provide support for him. The sexual advances are unwanted and unexceptable. You may have to excuse yourself as a professional from this case. Be honest with him non threatening and kind.

Seems he is not going to change.
Suggest you consider finding another position and that the cousin get a male caregiver to care for him.

I would be direct with him since there is no dementia. Tell him the conversation makes you uncomfortable and if he doesn't drop it, you will have no choice but to find new employment. What he is doing is abusive and you should not put up with poor behavour.

What this man is doing is called sexual harrassment. He can, and should, be reported to the police.

Judyscare: Dementia aside, he may just be a dirty old man. I would warn him and if he persists, I'd leave the perv to his own devices.

Also - you've probably already tried this - what happens if there are two caregivers present during bathing routines?

Just reviewing some of your replies.

If he can walk with a walker, he can use a wet room, or even a shower chair or even a bath cushion at a pinch, and he can wash himself. Who px'd the bed baths three times a week?

Quit.

Problem solved.

Tell him in a straightforward way that his behaviour and language is unacceptable and harassment, and that if it is repeated you will simply leave. Then next time he does it pick up your bag and walk out. Now you may have to warn any agency you work for that this is what you are going to do, but if they do not support you then you have an employment issue with them, but they should do. Unless he cannot be left alone for even one minute nothing drastic will happen if you walk out, and if you have warned your employers then they can have someone on standby to take over from you in whatever time they feel it necessary to get someone to him. Don't put up with this.

Are you sure there is no dementia? Yes or no, I would speak to the family to see about having a sexual surrogate visit him to see if this helps. Is there anything hormonal going on? If he has unmet sexual needs, shouldn't these needs be addressed?

Would the cousin be willing to pay for a male caregiver to be hired to come in just for bathing purposes?

No way would I put up with this--ick. He's not going to change; there's nothing you can do. I'd get out right away--you'll have your pick of other jobs. Take care.

He may not have dementia but he could have other neurological issues. You did not say if he has relatives for you to inform them, so i think you may want to ask him who his doctor is and alert the doctor of the strange behavior. Healthy people do not act this way.

It sounds like the cousin has had to replace caregivers once or twice before, huh...

Unless the cousin is so terribly elderly and prim that you really can't face it, I wonder if it would be worth making him concentrate and saying okay, let's cut to the chase with this and stop messing about: your relative is highly sexed and it's making him not just a pest but a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. What are the options?

One option, I have no idea whether it could be done legally or not, might be the obvious. If the gentleman was in the habit of accessing sex workers in the past, for example, could there possibly be a way of finding out more about his preferences and organising visits?

I myself find this more embarrassing than incontinence so I wouldn't blame you if you did too. But on the other hand I am quite sure he wouldn't be the only very elderly gentleman on a reputable escort agency's client list. Maybe he already is.

I think you need to know what the cousin knows. You obviously can't hire hookers for your client, but if it's legal in your state could he?

What I see here is he had a massive stroke. It could have effected "that" part of the brain and his ability to filter. Was he a "dirty old man" before his stroke? Really, I think reporting him for harassment is a lost cause when you figure he is a stroke victim.

But I would document it and tell whoever is in charge of his care he needs some type of intervention. Meds, LTC. If not, they are going to lose aides right and left. Maybe they should see if there are men who can do the shift he needs to be bathed. My daughter has male CNAs at her job.

When a person has a stroke it can damage their brain in a way that they become completely sexually uninhibited. I experienced this with a close family member.

The inappropriate behavior from my (formerly extremely prim/private/proper) loved one ranged from mild to outrageously inappropriate statements and inappropriate to extremely embarrassing conduct. As you can imagine, it was painful to watch this horrifying behavioral/personality transformation with a loved one.

Apparently this brain injury is fairly common with stroke patients. In an effort to help improve my loved one’s situation, I discussed this with many doctors. The doctors told me this would likely be the “new normal.”

As with any severe brain injury, the situation could improve slightly with time and healing. It did improve slightly for my family member, but not completely.

Understand that as this man’s brain is damaged, he no longer has control — don’t take anything he says personally. Please don’t judge him or his family. He simply can’t help it.

I had to grow to accept this - but you don’t!

The good news for you is you are not a family member! You have the choice to leave and should if this behavior is intolerable to you in any way.

If you work for an agency, you can ask advise from your co-workers and supervisor on the SOP for this situation. My dad also suffered a stroke, left side was very weak and completely bedridden. Unfortunately, he was always .. uhm … 'flirty' with women. Having the stroke just made him bolder, less social restraint. Towards the end, he was quite vocal (sexual content) when the visiting caregivers came to sponge bathe him in bed three times a week. They reported to their supervisor that they were afraid of him. These caregivers were new on the job and had no real experience on how to handle the situation. Supervisor called me and we spoke. I lectured him. I gave the supervisor permission to call later on and to also talk to him about the seriousness of the situation and the consequences. And I had to make sure a family member was in the room when they were sponge bathing him.

If you're a private caregiver, I recommend you watch a lot of YouTube videos or other research on how to handle a difficult client. The few times I was home when the caregivers came, I saw how they handled my dad.
1. They joked back to him in the same vein - which I did not feel comfortable with. But obviously outwardly, they did.
2. They sternly corrected him and then changed the subject - usually something that's funny.
3. They ignored his comments and changed the subject.

Overall, from watching them, it was using distractions that got my dad to laugh.

Get out! Not worth it. Report it.