He is of sound dementia. Apparently he has always been one of those guys. He tells me that his last caregiver, who was neglecting him, did all of these sexual things. I have been direct, redirected the conversation, used humor, been serious. I am out of ideas. My last lady was very overtly sexual, but it was because of dementia, and my strategies worked to get us past her impulses.

I highly recommend you get out, stop caring for him right away! If he is competent and doing this who know what he may try accusing you of down the road.

Tell the family to get him a male caregiver!
Helpful Answer (16)
Reply to cjwilson

When a person has a stroke it can damage their brain in a way that they become completely sexually uninhibited. I experienced this with a close family member.

The inappropriate behavior from my (formerly extremely prim/private/proper) loved one ranged from mild to outrageously inappropriate statements and inappropriate to extremely embarrassing conduct. As you can imagine, it was painful to watch this horrifying behavioral/personality transformation with a loved one.

Apparently this brain injury is fairly common with stroke patients. In an effort to help improve my loved one’s situation, I discussed this with many doctors. The doctors told me this would likely be the “new normal.”

As with any severe brain injury, the situation could improve slightly with time and healing. It did improve slightly for my family member, but not completely.

Understand that as this man’s brain is damaged, he no longer has control — don’t take anything he says personally. Please don’t judge him or his family. He simply can’t help it.

I had to grow to accept this - but you don’t!

The good news for you is you are not a family member! You have the choice to leave and should if this behavior is intolerable to you in any way.
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Reply to ACaringDaughter
Judyscare Apr 16, 2019
Thank you. It has been difficult, but also puzzling because I haven’t encountered this level in the absence of dementia. He was a dirty old man, pre stroke. But so often those parts of the personality are what gets magnified with brain injury. I am lucky to not be a family member, but l have never left a job before. It takes so long to get into a groove with someone, and to know the routine and gain their trust. That is why I wrote in. Leaving is a last resort.
Its not just an issue of self respect, it a legal one of sexual harassment and further. Put in context if another employer, you could damn well contact the EEOC. Spoken from perspective of assault advocate. Document all.

Just because someone is old does not , DOES NOT, excuse this. By any means. This is the hidden #me too.
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Reply to Segoline
Judyscare Apr 15, 2019
Segoline, I document EVERYTHING! I had the other caregivers that worked with me do the same.
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My exes father was pretty touchy feely and a perverted old man. He touched workers on accident. We lost his aides due to a double whammy of sexual harassment and racial descrimination when he offered an African American woman $20 to see her hoo since he never saw one before.

At that point, I had to do his care. After eye surgery, he needed drops in his eyes. I bent over and his hand went right down my shirt into my bra. I slapped him quite hard across the face and told him if he touched me again I'd break his arm. He told the doctor I hit him and I told him why. There is a medication they can be put on to decrease those urges.

It still didnt stop everything so I had to make an agreement to take him to the strip club if he behaved and didnt touch me or his wifes workers or make comments. That was the only thing that worked for me...bribery.
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Reply to tacy022


Problem solved.
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Reply to cetude

He is making you very uncomfortable and he must know it if he doesn't have dementia. So I don't think he would respond to nice. I doubt he will stop. You need to get away from him..
Helpful Answer (11)
Reply to Isabelsdaughter

It sounds like the cousin has had to replace caregivers once or twice before, huh...

Unless the cousin is so terribly elderly and prim that you really can't face it, I wonder if it would be worth making him concentrate and saying okay, let's cut to the chase with this and stop messing about: your relative is highly sexed and it's making him not just a pest but a sexual harassment suit waiting to happen. What are the options?

One option, I have no idea whether it could be done legally or not, might be the obvious. If the gentleman was in the habit of accessing sex workers in the past, for example, could there possibly be a way of finding out more about his preferences and organising visits?

I myself find this more embarrassing than incontinence so I wouldn't blame you if you did too. But on the other hand I am quite sure he wouldn't be the only very elderly gentleman on a reputable escort agency's client list. Maybe he already is.

I think you need to know what the cousin knows. You obviously can't hire hookers for your client, but if it's legal in your state could he?
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Reply to Countrymouse
Judyscare Apr 16, 2019
Thank you! I think it is possible that the cousin knows more because the last family I worked for kept all kinds of behaviors from me until I figured them out for myself and asked. The cousin is coming to visit this week, so I will talk to him about it.
Would the cousin be willing to pay for a male caregiver to be hired to come in just for bathing purposes?
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Reply to lkdrymom
shad250 Apr 19, 2019
He could ask the male as well.
Tell him in a straightforward way that his behaviour and language is unacceptable and harassment, and that if it is repeated you will simply leave. Then next time he does it pick up your bag and walk out. Now you may have to warn any agency you work for that this is what you are going to do, but if they do not support you then you have an employment issue with them, but they should do. Unless he cannot be left alone for even one minute nothing drastic will happen if you walk out, and if you have warned your employers then they can have someone on standby to take over from you in whatever time they feel it necessary to get someone to him. Don't put up with this.
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Reply to TaylorUK
Countrymouse Apr 18, 2019
Judyscare IS the agency, is the thing.
When I was a student , one of my co students went to give an elderly man his breathing treatment. He flashed her, she freaked.. I said I'll do it.. He flashed me.. I had two responces.. " my husband has one of those, only bigger" or.." I can't wait to tell your wife you showed me that". Maybe tell him you;ll ask his relative if its "OK" to do that? And how much you should charge for it? Maybe ask in front of him while cousin is there? It may be enough to get it handled (no pun intended). In my 22 years of healthcare I have been propositioned, groped, you name it. Sometime if you love your job you just have to let it roll and deal with it with humor.. But if it is too much you need to get another client!
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Reply to pamzimmrrt

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