Do we tell my MIL that her adult grandson is gay and engaged?

I must say that telling grandma with dimentia that her grandson is gay is not the problem, what will it help, if she is anything like my mother who has been diagnosed in March 2015 with Alzheimer/dimentia, she would not truly understand her part of the brain that reasons is gone. So what point would it be, it is not important for her to know she loves him anyway. Sincerely, Roseofsharon

I don't see any benefit to anybody involved in telling her at this point. The pictures are a good idea, if she's curious about the other man in the picture, you can say he's a good friend and you won't be lying. Chances are she will forget within the day. No point in upsetting an elderly person. The one I'm involved with gets really frightening when he's upset, so my husband and I have become experts at diffusing him. Good luck with your situation.

Hahaaaa I love the Valentino thing countrymouse.

For the sake of clarity I'm using my own situation as an example..
I spend considerably more time with my dad than my sons and my daughter (that's generally how it is in other families as well)
So I have a better understanding of my dad's triggers, emotions and risks than my grown children do and I will move hell and high water to keep things away from my dad that have the potential for disaster. If need be, his own grandchildren.

If she seemed to take it in her stride, I'd suggest you follow suit and take this in your stride too. Don't overload her with news, but share pictures and conversation about this event just as you would any other family occasion. Don't censor things unless you're certain you need to. Besides, most young people of my acquaintance are more tolerant of casual -isms and -phobias on the part of the very elderly than our generation is: I can't see any really hurtful reaction getting back to your son's ears that would upset him.

Gay lib has been around long enough for anyone living to be pretty accustomed to the idea by now, you know. We've come quite a distance from those times when the little old lady was overheard at the theatre replying to her friend's whisper about Rudolf Valentino: "a homowhat, dear?"

I understand what you're saying Rosebush but that can be very tricky. There's a lot more to consider than our (adult) children's wishes.

i didn't read all the posts but I would let my son make the decision.

Great point bls0901. A big fat loop that gets stuck. Great analogy.

Exactly Pargirl, it's their journey and not ours or George Washington's "I cannot tell a lie" journey.

I would not tell her anything that you even think might be upsetting to her. These things are the kind of things that get stuck in a "loop" and keep playing over and over in their mind. I visited my mother yesterday and she was stuck on the question "why am I here, where is this place. She asked every few minutes for 3 hours, all through lunch, through playing bingo, through talking about her crocheting. Finally I said it was time for me to go home. I Mentioned it to the caregiver and she said yes that she had been asking for awhile.

I wouldn't try to explain a thing unless she asks, which is probably unlikely.

I don't tell my mother everything..no point.

Iamamy, that's a great point that it's not a lie. At my mom's facility it's called joining them on "their" journey not yours. You don't have to tell them every detail. A visit from ANYone is a little bit of happiness for her. If she is having a bad day then please tell your son/her grandson not to take it personally. it is what it is.

Thanks iamamy. My mom could NEVER get why my son was getting married in a bar. I would tell her it wasn't a bar that it was a very nice restaurant that had a banquet hall....didn't matter. To her, she heard bar and it was asking over and over then move on to another question over and over. There brains are stuck in neutral and they just can't find their way to drive. It doesn't matter it anyone is gay or straight, purple, or polka dot their brains don't act the same as ours. My son is as close to any grandmother anywhere and she loves/loved him unconditionally as I do mine but it doesn't matter with this disease. They don't understand anything the way they use to....plain and simple. It's hard, very hard to get or understand. Just let her grandson visit. She will love seeing him no matter what.

Erniesmum, I knew that our son was gay at a very young age, even as young as 3-4 years old. I was wondering how you knew.

*individual creatures

EM proof positive that our loved ones are individuals creatures as we all are and what works with one doesn't necessarily work with another. Best of luck to you!

Pargirl I really like this part of your reply, "If she keeps asking why he doesn't have a girlfriend it's not because she's curious, it's because her brain is stuck on that and doesn't know what to ask next." Some of the comments alluded to the idea that repeated questions should be answered honesty but there is nothing dishonest about withholding risky information from a person who has lost all sense of rhyme and reason. You nailed it perfectly in my opinion.

To those who wondered.....I knew my son was gay before he did. Like, at the age of 5 ;~) I was very relieved when he came out because he appeared to be pretty depressed and I felt keeping his secret was detrimental to his well-being. So, yeah, I was fine with everything. However, my DH grew up a Southern, Southern Baptist boy so I was a little concerned how he would take the news (which should have been obvious) and that added to my concern about my MIL. I know it's both a generational and (possibly) religious thing, but she's always been surprisingly open-minded about social issues. And, she adores our kids. I certainly saw no reason to beat her over the head about it, but he wanted her to know. I hope they can get down to see her because she would love a visit.

As in my mom's case.....I wouldn't tell her. What good would it do? It might upset her at the time and who wants that if she has already had a personality change. Also, she won't remember it. Two things in my life have changed in the last 2 years that I have not told my mom about because 1....I don't know what all her brain is capable of remembering since she is almost non verbal now
2.....what good would it do for her to know this information? The first is that her daughter, my only sister passed away 2 years ago unexpectedly and second, her first grandson is gay which is no biggie for me but who knows with her generation. In her younger better days she would have loved him to the end of the earth. All in all, I say don't tell her these things. It does no good. If she keeps asking why he doesn't have a girlfriend it's not because she's curious, it's because her brain is stuck on that and doesn't know what to ask next. Even if he visits with his "friend" she probably wouldn't get it anyway. Good Luck and God Bless....

CentralMassach your advice is very wise and well spoken but with the difficulty being that its a marriage between two men
(I feel) creates a more difficult dynamic in presenting it to an already confused grandmother. A lie is never a good idea in any situation but not divulging certain information isn't a lie. That's just my personal point of view of course.

I have to say that each person with Dementia is different, but somehow the same. There are different stages, and some have alternate personalities. I was always honest with my mom (she passed 3 yrs. ago in August) even though she did not always remember much. When our son got engaged, I brought in a gift, engagement card, and wrapping paper (she insisted on buying it when I told her about this). I had her help wrap it, and present it to them. She was so happy in the moment and said "Oh what a nice present, who gave it to you?" She always called our son's fiance "the girl" because she couldn't remember her name, but knew they were together. Tell her about the marriage, introduce her to the spouse, and enjoy the time "in the moment"-she may not remember the details, but it will bring happiness to all involved. Trying to make a person with Dementia understand things, only brings frustration to those trying to explain things. I know, I've been there and thankfully it didn't take too long to realize this, because it helped me enjoy the time left I had with my mom even though we were mostly in her past ("Memory Lane"). I was less frustrated, and could enjoy being with her wherever she was in her mind. Good luck with this, and go with honesty at all times. No regrets!

EM, good decision to give her the album without explanation that gma would have never been able to process.

WOW! Thanks for all the responses. I told my MIL that my son was gay about 2 years ago. She didn't get upset, but she didn't ask any questions so I just left it at that. When I put the photo album together I realized that almost all of his recent pictures were of him with his boyfriend, and yes, we have supported them from day 1. His sister just got married, and I want my son and future SIL to enjoy the same family joy that all their siblings have enjoyed. Saying that, I did not want to upset my MIL unnecessarily. As it turned out, she loved the book and asked no questions. It was one of the better visits in the past year. Thanks for all the replies.

Bigoted views? People with dementia would not be able to tell anybody what that is. They cannot be taught new ways of thinking or doing anything. Their values of their life are formed, there is no changing them now.

I wonder if anyone were to ask the grandmother before she developed dementia would she want to be told of something so fundamentally important to her favourite grandson, which would bring him happiness and acceptance, what she would reply? My mum has moderate dementia and I would NO WAY keep this from her, I couldn't wit ro tell her and I would be so proud as I know she would be. Come on this is not Russia or Iran. Just because our elders are from a different generation it doesn't mean they follow bigoted views blindly.

Corgigirs I was neither judging nor stating an opinion. I stated a fact; that you were out of line by condescendingly implying that TSM1013 was placing homosexuality on the same level as death. I won't even bother to respond to your definition of what this forum is for, it has nothing to do with what I was talking about.

This is a no brainer...why would YOU tell anyone that this young man is gay. This is his business and his choice to tell whom he choses to tell. You are disrespecting him as a human being by "outing" him to anyone. Have you taken the time to tell your family and friends about all the people in your family that are heterosexual? You are the one who seems to have a problem with this young man's sexuality.

Amyismynsmey this is a forum for opinions not judgements open your mind and try tolerance

I don't see that she needs to know---it's not going to benefit anyone that she knows---probably would just cause more problems all the way around if she knew.

If she is not going to see her grandson in person, then I would not tell her if you think the news will upset her. If they are close, though, he is going to wonder why he cannot share his good news personally. Will she be invited to the wedding? If so, probably best not to bring it up until right before. She still may hope for what will not be, i.e., that he will marry a woman, and may express that even when the facts are right there in front of her. (They have no filters, remember.) Keep it light and happy, as Corgigirl suggested, but not too far in advance!