Do we tell my MIL that her adult grandson is gay and engaged?

It's nice to provide her photos of the family, but IMO, if her memory is very poor, there may not be a benefit to it. Granted, all cases are different, but with my cousin, she has no short term memory. She recalls people's faces from years ago at the most. So, a photo of my brother when he was 8 years old means the world to her, since she recalls that, but a photo of him today with his grandchildren means nothing. She doesn't know who they are and even if I tell her, she can't relate. I might as well give her a photo of strangers.

So, I just put old photos in there, except that I do provide her current photos of her with her roommate in the facility. She knows who they are, but still prefers the old photos from many years ago.

I suppose it really won't matter though, because she will likely not recall who your grownup son and his boyfriend are when she looks at the photos.

She is not going to remember anyway why bother? Or if it is a traumatic thing for her and she does remember it will tumble around over and over in her mind causing her great stress.
I told my mother who has dementia and lives in the moment that my son was in a car accident. The next time I visited her the first thing she asked about was my son. She had been upset for a week. I never told her that my brother died 2 years ago and since he was adopted at age 3 she does not have a memory of him like she does about her 3 daughters. We no longer tell her that her mom died in 1980 and that her husband died in 1997. We just say Dad is at work and that her mother does not drive and can't come to visit.

I agree with the others photos from her life will mean more to her than current day photos and I would hesitate in doing anything that might provoke her.

The issue of what to tell is one I have also been dealing with. Her ex son in law passed away this year. She had only seen him a few times a year as my sister and he were divorced for many years. We decided not to tell as she would either forget or keep asking questions and I felt it would be too difficult for her grandchildren to cope with. It has now transferred to other areas. I always try to tell her as much as I can without causing her distress. If I feel that it will be stressful for her or to those around her ( the constant questions and random comments) I don't tell. A part of me hates that I do this but it's a hard journey and I ask myself why do I need to tell her this? Will it cause her distress? Will the random comments and never ending questions because she can't remember cause extreme pain to another. If so I don't tell

I tell my mom happy things about people she remembers. If there's sad news, I don't tell her unless she asks about that person.

I agree with all of the comments from these wise people. New photos won't matter a lot. If you want to show her a photo of her grandson and his friend, that would work. There's no way she's going to understand the newer fact of gay marriage so I wouldn't try to introduce it to her. She will (briefly) understand friendship. She'll likely forget it all but you will have at least given her a chance to see her grandson and his spouse.

I can understand your son wanting to have his once understanding grandmother know about his happiness but the disease has robbed her of this understanding. You son may understand this compromise - not that you are not trying to hide the facts but you are working with a person who is living in the moment and/or with only past knowledge.

I've had others ask me about this issue and I've given the same opinion.

We have to decide what to tell - even including deaths - so this is just one more thing that sadly must be filtered.
Carol

Having dealt with my Mom's dementia, my experience leads me to say that if you think this information will upset her don't tell her. My Mom seemed to be much happier living in the past and remembering people for who they were in her mind. Even at times when she confused me with other people...my Dad, her older brother, a nephew, etc...I would gently remind her who I was but if it didn't register I found it easier for both of us if I went along with her. I tried to meet her in "her place".
As for the recent pictures I'd stay away from them if you think she'll have a negative reaction.

What's the benefit for tell her, let her know him the way that she remembers him. I feel like that will not solve anything. It also depends on if he dress like a woman, she wouldn't know who he is anyways. I worked in Healthcare for over 15 years, it's not her that is nasty it's her dementia, just remember a person with dementia is always right. Read up on it, if you want a peaceful time with your love one with dementia then you have to face the fact that they are right even if that are not. If it's that important for her to know let the grandson tell her and she her reaction. Good luck!

tell your MIL in a very straight forward way without a lot of explanation "just the facts ma'am" and if she gets upset just say "oh mom you were very pleased yesterday when we told you, pleased "Fred" finally found someone to love" "We are just as happy as you!" kiss on the forehead and if things are getting dicey a quick subject change....we're having your favorite desert tonight...

I see no reason to tell her the truth. It might and might not upset her. Why take a chance

I have always felt what goes on in someone else's bedroom is none of my business , unless I am about to sleep with them :) My daughter is gay, her grandparents were told ONCE before they got dementia. It has never come up again.

I like what Carol wrote and agree with it. You want to do two things here -- not upset your mother and show your son that you are happy with his life choice. Having a picture of the two smiling and happy could do that in a non-threatening way. If questions come up, you will probably know what to do when it happens. We can usually feel how things will be received. And if things go south, then she may not remember. It would be wonderful if she accepted it and gave them her blessing, but sometimes things may not go as we hoped. I would take her a photo, then use spur-of-the-moment wisdom to know what to tell her.

What about tellng her that grandaon is getting married and concentrating on the things you like in him. Tell her about what a wonderful person you think he is, how they are so happy together, etc without mentioning the part that you may think will upset her.

NO!

Yes I do agree with all of the comments NOT to tell MiL in case it might upset Her.
It's best to play safe, as You do not know how She might react. It is so difficult for Our Love one's to absorb information now simply because it's being digested by this awful illness.

WHY? Life is what it is, she'll love him no matter what his priorities 💜

Sorry, I disagree with most of the above.
To compare telling your MIL your gay son is getting married, to a loved one having a car crash or dying is comparing a happy loving event with a catastrophe.
If your MIL was always fond of this grandson, I'm sure she would love to share his good news that he's found happiness. I'm also sure your son would love to share if with her. If she was told in a celebratory way and everyone being agreeable, I'm sure she'd enjoy the moment. (I know for sure my demented mum would be so happy for her grandson)
I think more than anything, the lesson here is for your son to start of his married life with confidence, not to have to hide. Tell her with love and pride....

Some very good replies, and agree with the Why tell her, she actually probably doesn't know who he is, if your mother is at a stage of dementia that she is back a good 50yrs ago. I only tell my Ma that her husband is dead cos she knows he hasn't been to see her, so thinks he is off having an affair... Being dead is far better for her anxiety than him having an affair. Otherwise Im afraid most conversations are when she was in her teens, and somehow knowing to say the right thing, since I wasn't there. So its a case of sifting the good with the bad or the hard to explain for the generation gap.

I'm going to approach this from a different viewpoint.....it sounds like for your son, his gran is a very very important person within his life. He loves his gran oodles and wants his gran to love his partner as he loves him. Gran since her dementia sounds pretty latter phase doesn't have the cognitive ability to add new people into her memory or perhaps even remember who grandson is. But that doesn't stop grandson from his & his husband being able to have new memories with gran.

I'd suggest that he & his partner go to visit grannie & take all sorts of photos with her. They will always have these to remember grannie by & that she got to meet his spouse.

I wouldn't worry about her saying something nasty to them, if they grew up gay in the US they have heard it before and probably worse.

My mom had lewy body dementia & lewy allows them to keep their current memory a pretty long time unlike Alz. But eventually if they live long enough, anything recent is gone. At the very end, mom thought I was her aunt; I - as her daughter didn't exist - as she was back in her childhood. Every once in a while, she would come into the recent past in a fleeting moment and remember me as her adult daughter & knew her very much beloved grandson. My son took a selfie with her which he has as one of his screen saver images. This is what matters to him. Mom thought he was one of the good looking doctors.....

What is the point of telling your mother-in-law her grandson is gay? She will forget it and let her remember him the way she wants.

I am sure you feel you want to share the news of her favorite grandson's life but in my experience with my own mother's dementia, it will not serve her at all. She will not remember it or even process it properly and will most likely go back to the memories she has of him before. My own family member is gay and we told her about it long ago. My mother has reverted back to the old memories. I think just let your MIL enjoy the company of her grandson without all the extras.

Is there a reason WHY she needs to be told? If not, then don't tell her. Just keep the issues simple.

If she's not likely to remember, why take the chance of even a little upset? He can share his good news with the other family members. Don't upset the apple cart by raising issues she may not be able to process, let alone remember.

Full disclosure isn't necessary in situations in which someone has dementia.

The questions "will it cause her distress" that 3rdtime brought up is key. The hospice intake person helping my friend told me of a situation where every day one of their patients asked "Where is Herald?" The daughter would dutifully answer: "Mom, he died. You were at his funeral. Don't you remember?" And every day she got to grieve all over again. How was this adding to her quality of life?" I told her I was wondering if I should be explaining to my friend's husband, Jim, who is in the memory care unit with his wife, what hospice implies. It would only cause him distress and there will be plenty of that when she passes. Perhaps he will understand this himself as he sees the extra care she requires when she can no longer eat and they are just trying to keep her comfortable. That will be a better time to discuss this if he wants to talk about it. His short term memory is non-existant, too, so my telling him something won't stick very well anyway. I want them to be happy together in the time they have.

NO, NO and NO. I made the mistake of telling my mother the truth that her son had died, and have regretted it ever since. She hadn't heard from him in yrs. and kept asking me if I heard from him. After years of her asking me this, when he passed away, I told her, and it would have been better if I just kept lying to her and saying I hadn't heard from him. He had dementia from alcoholism, and other complications from that caused his death.
She has had quite a decline since then, and dealing with her since then has been hell, since she always has to "blame" someone. So now it's "why didn't you stop him from drinking?" and on and on. As if I could have changed his choices in life. So I say, share no news that has the potential to upset the person.

With all of these questions and concerns the one question we who have the information must ask ourselves is "Who will feel better if I disclose this truth?"
The person with dementia? Myself? Someone else I am trying to please?

I have found that my mom, who has dementia, cant handle any negative news. She obsesses on it for MONTHS...bizarre how she cant remember much positive news but chews on negative news forever. It places undue stress on her and anyone else who is with her, as she talks about it repeatedly, loses sleep, has bad dreams, gets diarrhea, etc, etc. If it is not entirely relevant to her every day life and routine, why burden her with circumstances that just upset her and which she cant change. I feel very strongly about this and it is in Mom's best interest. My hubby's family also decided not to tell his mom(with dementia) that her eldest son had passed. She had not seen him in years and she had finally settled in to her other son's house where she had to be relocated. They had been through hell trying to get her to acclimate to her new environment and she finally had...by telling her that the other son had died, they would have sent her into another tailspin. They waited a few months and when she brought his name up, they said Oh, Mom remember her died...and she said Oh, yes. This may seem manipulative to some, but it was totally in her best interest due to her current state of mind at the time. Hard decisions but have to to what is best for them...join them in their reality, as they cannot join us in ours.

I agree about not telling her if she does not ask, however my answer was directed at the possibility of her asking and indeed wanting to know.

are we comparing homosexuality to death? yikes!

CORGIGIRL, of course we are not comparing homosexuality to death. The person who initially asked the question obviously thinks it may upset the person with dementia, which means that they consider it "bad news" for this person. I am merely using the example of death because that is the "bad news" we have had to decide whether to share with my MIL. And to a person with dementia, upsetting news is upsetting news, no matter what the exact issue is. This is not about comparing homosexuality to death, at all so please don't read into it.

but that is why I said if she asks to frame it with love. love is never bad news especially when the person asking the question is obviously concerned that the individual she is asking about is loved by someone and is happy.